It’s been more than six years now since I found out the man I was married to was a practicing pedophile. Why am I still finding myself suffocating from this? Why is the mental abuse still plaguing me? Why? Why? Why? Why am I still allowing the abuse to affect me?
“I can’t imagine being in your shoes” is one of the most common things said to me. “How do you face people? What’s it like?” Those are valid questions, and they are questions that need to be addressed.
For almost forty years our family was “the family” — adored and respected in our church, among our friends, within our small community, and even across state lines. We were a uniquely large family, especially for this day and age, having eleven children. Even more unique was the fact that they were good kids. Good Christian kids, most of them attending Harding University,
Pictures. I love to take pictures. I especially love to take pictures of nature — flowers in bloom, the colors of the changing seasons, and special events pictures. Rather than journal with words, I often journal the events of my life with photos.
Pedophiles like to take pictures. Pedophiles love to look at pictures. Pedophiles study pictures of children. Little children. Nude children. Children taking baths. Children going to the bathroom. Children swimming. Children swinging on swings. Children playing dress up. Children just being children.
A pedophile will look at an innocent photo of a child and distort that photo to make it a sexual turn-on. A pedophile does not see the same thing a pure mind sees. A pedophile’s mind has been saturated with thoughts of child pornography, unnatural behavior between adults and children, and evil, corrupt thoughts of using the pure innocence of a child for his/her own selfish purposes. Continue reading
When I talk about being married almost forty years to a practicing pedophile, I say it with shame. I say those words with horror. I almost always have at least two very bad days of haunting dreams and lots of tears after I write a blog post. Why? Because there is still a part of me that agonizes over the fact that I was duped. I didn’t know the man I was married to for almost four decades! I grieve the fact that this man was so good at deceiving me and others that he got away with molesting children for all of those years!
If you are new to this blog, it’s important for you to begin here. It’s hard to start in the middle of a story and grasp the full impact — especially with a story that is as complicated as this one. As you are reading, take time to pause and allow the words to sink deep into your heart. What you are reading is not just hard to read, but it’s hard to believe.
And pedophiles are counting on just that — making it hard for you to believe that they could ever commit such horrendous acts! Continue reading
Last week’s post caused quite a stir. So many people resonated with this part of my story. The emails have been pouring in saying, “If I didn’t know better, I would think I’m reading my own life’s story!” That’s both wonderful and so very sad. The sad part is that this abuse continues to be so prevalent in our society. The wonderful part to me is that victims are beginning to get enough courage to speak out, and they’re being heard!
And, every time a victim of child sexual abuse speaks out there is one more step being taken towards healing. A large part of my goal with this blog is to help victims of abuse to become “survivors of abuse”! Just the word SURVIVOR equates with STRENGTH! *I hope that each of you will listen to the 6 minute video included in this paragraph. It’s a powerful message of hope and healing!
Let’s continue on with my story. After John left me and the girls, I had a multitude of worries, the first being, “How am I going to pay the mortgage?” Other worries were along the same line. “How will I pay for the utilities — gas, phone, electric, fuel oil?” “How will my daughters go to college?” “How, how, how? Dear God, how can I do this alone?” Going from a two family income to a one family income in the blink Continue reading