How do you move on beyond a day like the most horrible Thanksgiving ever? Truthfully, when you want to fight hard for your family, for the values you believe in, you sometimes just take the pain and move on. And, that’s just what was done. We went on and had Christmas with the entire family home. But, it was much different this particular year. It was quiet. It was awkward. It was lacking laughter and joy! It was as though everyone was walking on eggshells not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, and not knowing what to expect. One thing we knew — we didn’t want a repeat of our Thanksgiving!
That particular week of Christmas is mostly a blur to me. As a way to cope, we can trick our minds into not remembering horrible pain and heartache, and that is just what we did. We didn’t allow ourselves to feel much of anything for fear of experiencing that horrible pain and brokenness once again.
The winter months were lonely. I worked long hours — in fact, most nights I stayed at work very late not wanting to go home. At this point in our lives, I was still shut down emotionally with John. In fact, I didn’t even want to sit at the dinner table with him. We spoke very few words to each other. And, it was miserable — terribly miserable Continue reading
Thanksgiving was always among my top three most favorite of all holidays, but there is one Thanksgiving that will forever be a total nightmare — a disaster — and the one that will always stand out as the absolute worst.
It was always our family tradition to have a time of “giving thanks” prior to eating our meal. We would go around the table and say the things we were most thankful for, and then we would end with a prayer. This is a beautiful tradition, I think, and one that brings a family closer together and helps us all to appreciate one another more.
However, there is one Thanksgiving that was horrid, and that is putting it mildly. As you know by now, our marriage was far from thriving. In fact, it was pretty evident that our marriage was crumbling. So, this was going to be a sad Thanksgiving, and Continue reading
The last two posts written have caused quite a stir among our regular readers as well as many new readers. Most of the private emails I receive are asking, “Why did you stay in this marriage if it was so terrible? Even if you didn’t know you were married to an active pedophile, why did you stay?”
I’ll repeat this again and again. When abuse takes place a person doesn’t feel worthy of anything different than abuse. There is a brainwashing, so-to-speak, that teaches the abused person to accept mistreatment because that is what is deserved. There is also great fear of leaving. In my case, how in the world would I support my family if I left? What would happen to the children that I loved with all of my heart and soul? Where would we live? There is also the self-imposed prison that holds the abused person captive. Years of abuse wears away any self-esteem and there is a powerlessness — a feeling of being too weak to escape. And, many times there is little to no support to help the abused person get away. And, so we stay….we stay until……. Continue reading
Today I’m going to veer off the highway just a bit and talk about something that has cropped up time and time again in my writings about being married to a pedophile. There was never any physical abuse to me in this relationship, but there was a high level of emotional abuse. And, the question has come up over and over again asking me why I stayed in this marriage. In fact, the question is a nagging one to a lot of people as to why so many women stay in abusive relationships.
I don’t claim to have all of the answers, but I do have the answers that are mine, so I’ll speak to you from my heart. Why? Why did I stay in a relationship that I knew was abusive almost from our wedding day? Continue reading