I prayed for two things ever since I was a little kid. I prayed that I would never have to suffer the pain of losing a child. I watched my parents change before my very eyes when my young sister Carmella died, and I prayed to God that would never happen to me. And, I prayed for a Christian husband. I wanted to be joined in marriage to a man who honored God above all else. I witnessed physical and mental abuse in my home between my parents and I wanted a home centered around loving and honoring God above all else. Continue reading
If you’ve been following along with my story about being married for almost forty years to a practicing pedophile, you know that we finally separated. But, it wasn’t because I knew that he was a pedophile. Far from it! That knowledge wouldn’t come until four long, heart-ache filled years later.
Living in a fog — that’s the only way I can describe the first few weeks of our separation. The one thing I dreaded most in life — a failed marriage — had finally become reality. And, even worse was the fact that everyone would know that I was a failure. I live in a small community and because our family was so large, we always seemed to be a topic of conversation, and this was definitely a topic people loved discussing!
Our minds can only take so much pain at a time so I retreated into the well-known fog of grief. And, one of the greatest coping skills for those who are living through trauma is denial and the inability to think straight.
However, I didn’t have that luxury. There was a mortgage payment to be made each month. There were two daughters to take care of, and there were stacks of bills that needed immediate attention. I had no idea how to do it, but one thing was certain…….. Continue reading
Last week’s post caused quite a stir. So many people resonated with this part of my story. The emails have been pouring in saying, “If I didn’t know better, I would think I’m reading my own life’s story!” That’s both wonderful and so very sad. The sad part is that this abuse continues to be so prevalent in our society. The wonderful part to me is that victims are beginning to get enough courage to speak out, and they’re being heard!
And, every time a victim of child sexual abuse speaks out there is one more step being taken towards healing. A large part of my goal with this blog is to help victims of abuse to become “survivors of abuse”! Just the word SURVIVOR equates with STRENGTH! *I hope that each of you will listen to the 6 minute video included in this paragraph. It’s a powerful message of hope and healing!
Let’s continue on with my story. After John left me and the girls, I had a multitude of worries, the first being, “How am I going to pay the mortgage?” Other worries were along the same line. “How will I pay for the utilities — gas, phone, electric, fuel oil?” “How will my daughters go to college?” “How, how, how? Dear God, how can I do this alone?” Going from a two family income to a one family income in the blink Continue reading
How do you move on beyond a day like the most horrible Thanksgiving ever? Truthfully, when you want to fight hard for your family, for the values you believe in, you sometimes just take the pain and move on. And, that’s just what was done. We went on and had Christmas with the entire family home. But, it was much different this particular year. It was quiet. It was awkward. It was lacking laughter and joy! It was as though everyone was walking on eggshells not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, and not knowing what to expect. One thing we knew — we didn’t want a repeat of our Thanksgiving!
That particular week of Christmas is mostly a blur to me. As a way to cope, we can trick our minds into not remembering horrible pain and heartache, and that is just what we did. We didn’t allow ourselves to feel much of anything for fear of experiencing that horrible pain and brokenness once again.
The winter months were lonely. I worked long hours — in fact, most nights I stayed at work very late not wanting to go home. At this point in our lives, I was still shut down emotionally with John. In fact, I didn’t even want to sit at the dinner table with him. We spoke very few words to each other. And, it was miserable — terribly miserable Continue reading
Sometimes you just know…..you know something is wrong, but you don’t know what it is! That’s how I felt for most of my married life. I knew there was something really big that was wrong, but I could never put my finger on it. I just couldn’t figure it out. And, at times that about drove me crazy!
If you’re new to this blog, please start here so that you get the complete details of my story. I was married to one man for almost forty years. He was the love of my life — the one I prayed for God to send me. And, when we exchanged our vows, I intended for that to be forever.
Sadly, life doesn’t always turn out how we’d like. What I didn’t know finally came to light in a most horrible way almost forty years into our marriage. Continue reading