Tag Archives: molesting children

Married to a Pedophile: The Unrelenting Search for a Live-In Nanny Job!

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We should learn to follow our gut instincts.  When something seems “off” or just doesn’t feel right, there is probably something wrong.  When something seems so totally “odd” that you being to lose sleep over it, then pay attention while you’re tossing and turning in bed at night.

Listen to what your gut feelings are telling you! 

I knew something was very “odd” and “unusual” when the man I was married to began searching for a job as a live-in male nanny — a “manny” as he affectionately called it.  I was a bit more than irritated at him.  He had 5 years of college education, several years of experience as a preacher and also as a substitute school teacher.  He sold insurance for almost thirty years.  And, now at age 59 his life passion was to be a live-in babysitter!  There was something wrong, but I sure couldn’t figure it out!     Continue reading →

Married to a Pedophile: The Hand is Quicker Than the Eye!

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The amount of readers to this blog is mind-boggling to me.  Never in a million years did I expect so much interest in this topic.  What I’m learning is the sad fact that there is so much abuse that has been kept silent that it’s frightening.  Because of the silence of those who have been abused, the molesters have had the freedom to do as they please with little repercussions, if any.  Why?  Because most children who have been abused keep quiet.  They’re embarrassed.  They’re afraid.  They’re humiliated.  And, they don’t think anyone will believe them. And, sadly, our laws aren’t designed to fully protect them!

But, that is changing!  Silence no more!  Victims are turning into survivors!  They are learning to speak up and speak out and they are being heard!  Every time you read one of these posts and you share it, you’ve done your part in diluting the power of the molester and you are encouraging the victim who is gaining the courage to become the survivor.

Thank you!  Thank you so much for doing your part in being a voice for the children!

If you are new to this blog, I’d strongly suggest that you begin here.

By this time in our married lives, I was “okay” with life.  I had a house filled with children, and they made me happy.  John was gone mostly every week working insurance, and we all had adjusted to that routine.  He generally came home Friday nights and stayed through Sunday afternoon.  It’s amazing how quickly a family can adapt when they have to do it!  And, yes, he remained the preacher for our local congregation.

The hard thing for me was knowing that when John came home, he had made little to no provision for time alone with me, his wife.  Somehow, time with me always seemed to get knocked to the bottom of the priority list and it was expected of me to be happy with that.  Secretly I would cry.  I was lonely and I would wait all week long for him to come home.  I wanted nothing more than to spend alone time with my husband.

I would daydream all week long of John walking through the door, giving me a great big hug, swinging me around, and saying, “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you and how much I love you!”  I would lay in bed and think about what I would say to him when he spoke those words to me.

Instead, when he came home (after being away an entire week), the very first thing he did was to lift up the lids of the pots on the stove and say, “What’s for supper?”.  After that, he’d walk to the bedroom, change into sweat pants, eat in silence, and then go downstairs to “go over paperwork.”  What a let down when he turned and walked away from me yet another time.

Always, always I wondered what was wrong with me.   He just didn’t seem interested.

There was something else that was bothering more and more.  And, that was the way John acted with others in front of me.  Sometimes I would blink my eyes two times or more just wondering if I really saw things right.  Or, was I imagining what I was seeing because I was hurt and feeling abandoned by him?

Pay attention to these red flags because they are of major importance! I never said one word to him about these things even though his actions seemed odd, strange, inappropriate, and wrong!  Why?  For the same reasons that victims of sexual abuse never speak up.  I was afraid.  I felt embarrassed.  I thought I was somehow the cause of his inappropriate actions.  And, who was going to believe me if I did say something?  Certainly not anyone from church!  He was the hero — the coolest preacher ever!

1.  The first time I saw this, I had to re-think this over and over thousands of times questioning myself if it really happened.  Just as quick as lightning, John pulled his pants down (yes, underwear and all) and bared his entire bottom to a group of girls.  Why?  He said he was just joking and teasing and said ever so quickly, “Don’t look now, but I’m gonna moon you!”

And, he did!   Yes, that’s right.  The odd thing was that the girls didn’t seem at all put off by this or surprised or upset.  Instead, he was just more fun to them than ever! This was done on many occasions and almost always in front of our own children (because he was “mooning” their friends).  It was a shock effect, but nobody reacted adversely — not one of us!  Pedophiles love using the shock effect as a test to see how far they can go without anyone telling! 

2.  John loved to pick up little girls and hold them in their crotch (between their legs), and balance them high in the air with one hand.  Mothers would ask him to stop — they were afraid he was going to drop their child.  I used to turn and look away.  I couldn’t stand it.  I just knew he’d end up hurting a child.

What’s wrong with this?  His hand positions on the child — always, always hands in crotch.  And, his total disrespect of a parent’s boundaries for their child! And, knowing what I now know about a pedophile’s behavior, this was a way of exciting himself!

3.  John loved to change diapers.  Honestly, if I never changed another diaper in all of my life I’d be happy.  Not John.  He’d always whisk up a child and say, “Phew!  I smell something bad in here.  Let’s go get you changed.”  And, away he went with the child’s diaper bag to change the child’s diaper in a back bedroom or someplace in the church that was private.  I thought it was weird that he’d want to change somebody else’s child’s diaper, but now it’s a lot more than weird.  It’s a waving red flag that something was very wrong!!!!

4.  The first time John did this, I threw the sight of this to the back of my mind because I kept thinking, “There is no way I saw him do that.  Absolutely no way!”  But, I did see it, and I kept seeing it.  John would “tweak a boob” as he called it.  Just as quick as lightning, he’d grab a girl’s breast and squeeze her (reaching for her nipple) leaving both the child and me in shock!  And, yes, he even did that in church in front of adults.  And, no.  Nobody (including me) ever said anything.

Obviously, he was again using the shock effect. And, it worked!  He got his jollies and nobody said a word.  Not a soul called him out on this!

5.  John loved to “wrestle” with little kids — tackling them, tickling them, and rolling around with them on the floor.  It was embarrassing to me to see him act so immature, and I’d ask him time and time again not to do that.  But, he continued.  Why would a man of 35 years plus do this with little kids?  He said he loved to “loosen kids up and get them to laugh.”  I believed him, even though I didn’t like what he was doing. This should have been a big red flag to me that there was something more involved than immaturity!

Rolling around on the floor drawing children up close against him was another way of getting physical pleasure AND of grooming children.  This is a tactic used by many molesters.  Little children feel pleasure when touched in private places and they don’t understand what’s going on.  Bingo!  Exactly what the pedophile wants to happen!

6.  Snapping a little girl’s training bra was another favorite.  He loved that “little teeny bopper age” as he called it when girls were “just sprouting their boobs.”  I would yell at him to stop it, but he’d only laugh.  “You’re too uptight.  These kids never get to have any fun.  Their parents are like dried up prune pits.  They don’t know how to laugh with their kids.  This is nothing but kids having fun.”  Again, I fell for it thinking maybe I was the prude — one of the ones who was a dried up prune pit.

Do you see what was going on here?  Do you see how John was getting away with things right in front of adults?  Can you see how this is called “grooming”?  He was “in training” — testing.  Testing to see just what he could do right in front of an audience without anyone thinking ill of him.  He was a master!  Every move of the hand was calculated, planned, and well thought out.  He was playing games with the adults (who was going to question this fine, trusting man?) while he was stimulating himself by touching breasts, grabbing between little girls’ legs, and baring his own adult male body in front of these pre-pubescent girls.

I’m sick as I think about it.  Totally sick.  Once again I fell for his horrid lies.  He often told me that I was no fun.  I didn’t know how to joke and tease.  He knew my father wasn’t this kind of man, so he’d often say, “You grew up in a home where your father wasn’t really a father.  You had no male role models, so that’s why you can’t see how funny this is.”

He did a great job convincing me that I was the one who was thinking wrong!  And, this is just how a pedophile works to lure your child, trick the parents, and get away with molesting children without any fear whatsoever of anyone telling!

Please, please think about these red flags I’ve just shared with you!  It’s NOT okay for a grown man to bare his privates in front of kids “just for fun.”  It’s NOT okay to grab little children between their crotch!  It’s NOT okay to ever touch a girl’s breast or squeeze her nipples!  It’s NOT okay to rub your adult body up against a small child and force them to feel your adult body being excited!  It’s NOT okay to take a small child to a back room and take off a diaper and use your hands to excite yourself.

NONE OF THIS IS OKAY!!!!!  NONE OF IT!!!!!!  Together we must be aware, we must do all we can to keep our children safe, and we must continue to be a voice for our children.

I didn’t have the information you now have.  I didn’t even know what a pedophile was and I was married to one.  Please learn from my pain.  Please listen to what I have to say.  Please pay attention, and do all you can to keep our children safe!

I hope to be posting a link within the week along with a form letter template to send to our lawmakers.  We need changes in our laws and in order to do that we need to create a voice with those who make the laws.  I’m hoping that you will help!

Grooming a Child

Love,

Clara

PS  For more information on child abuse, please visit my son’s blog — written from the heart of the son of a pedophile.

Married to a Pedophile: The Fascination of Parks and Playgrounds!

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Admittedly, I’ve taken some time off from this blog because it’s been too hard to “go there” in my thoughts on most days.  This is the Christmas season, and I want to be happy and in a celebratory mood — not dwelling on the past and all of the ugliness associated with being married for years and years to a practicing pedophile.  I still have days when it’s hard to believe.

This week, though, I find it necessary to pull up some memories that caused huge red flags for me.  I got angry.  I was frustrated.  I just didn’t understand the man I was married to and some days it about drove me crazy!  There were many, many “park and playground” incidences that I can recall — and I do mean many — but I’ll only share one week of these questionable moments with you.  Slowly but surely the pieces are all beginning to fit together.  And, the more pieces of this horrid puzzle that fall into place, the more sick my stomach becomes.

If you are new to this blog, please begin reading here.  This blog is very quick reading — it’s written in story form so that you can follow along and learn with me what these “red flags” were all during our forty years of marriage and understand why I never acted on them.  At the time these events were taking place, I didn’t even know what the word “pedophile” meant, let alone suspect that my husband was molesting children!

John traveled most days working the insurance job.  It was not unusual for him to leave in the morning around 9:00 a.m. and not return until midnight when he was traveling to places that were two and three hours away.  Honestly, I never did understand why he put himself under such pressure.  We needed supplemental income, but he said to me, “I’ll never work a time clock!  Never!  I’ll be my own boss, set my own hours, and that’s how it will be.”

And, that’s just how he seemed happiest — he made his own appointments and off he went.  Sometimes for a day, many times for a week at a time.  I hated it that way, but he was a great salesman, made good money, and got to be his own boss, and even though there was terrible stress with a commission only job, he still said he’d never work for an hourly wage job.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about one particular week when his behavior was more odd than usual.  He was stalling downstairs in his office (supposedly making appointments for the day), but when he came upstairs to leave it would be around ten o’clock or later which didn’t give him much of a work day at all considering he had to travel two hours one day.

By this time, we had a family of eight children — they were born pretty much one right after the other.  And, yes, we did plan on having a large family — a question I still get asked to this day.  This particular week, I got a frantic call from John one afternoon.  “Clara, I need you to come get me.  I’m stuck in some deep mud in a park.  The more I tried to get out of this mess, the worse I dug my tires into this muck.”

“Where are you calling from?  If you’re stuck, how do you have a phone?”

He was calling from a police car!  The police were patrolling the park, and found John there and went up to him and asked him what he was doing.  He said he was eating his lunch and preparing for his Sunday sermon while on lunch break.

“So what am I supposed to do?!?!”

He said, “Come get me.  I’ll be at the police station.  The car will have to be towed.”

I was furious!  Absolutely furious!  This meant packing up all 8 kids into the station wagon and driving two hours one-way to pick him up, paying for the cost of the gas, Turnpike tolls, and a towing fee!  All because he drove into some park and got stuck in the deep mud!

This didn’t make sense then, but it sure does now!

I was not a happy camper over this, but his story sounded convincing enough and thankfully the car was okay.  It was towed out of there, John got a fine (I’m still not sure why), and his car was ready for the road in a day.

Two days later I was rocking one of the kids to sleep for his nap and I got another frantic call from John.

“You’re not going to believe this.  I was eating my lunch when I spotted a deer.  I got out of the car to follow the deer tracks and when I went to leave I realized I locked my car keys inside of the car.  I walked to the main road and hitched a ride to the nearest telephone.  Can you come get me with the spare key?”

“You have got to be kidding me!” I screamed!  Where are you?”

“I’m in the same park where I was stuck on Monday. I was eating lunch planning out the rest of the day when I saw the deer.”

Honestly, I was seeing red!  “Why were you in the park?!?!?!?!”

“Because I like to eat in private and I like to get out and stretch my legs after sitting for two hours driving.”

So, I packed up the kids again, and off we went.  This time I actually got to see where the car was.  It was deep into a park right outside of Mars, Pennsylvania.  Interestingly, it was located next to the little playground and the restrooms.  Odd, I thought.  There were beautiful spots where you could see the lake, but he was parked by the latrines and the swings for kids.

We rode home in silence.  I was angry about this happening two times in one week.  Irresponsible at the very least.  And, very strange if you ask me.  I usually backed down in an argument, but not this time.  I wanted to know what the fascination was with driving into parks for lunch breaks.  John often told me he took naps in parks when he got tired from driving.  He ate his lunches among nature because that inspired him.  He got out to stretch his legs.  Or, he needed to use a bathroom and didn’t know where else to stop.  Why did he drive all of those miles and spend so much time away from home sitting in parks?  He was supposed to be making calls to clients!!!

I fell for his lies hook, line and sinker.  Again, and again, I fell for the lies!

Red flag number one:  Why would a policeman ask you to leave a public park if you’re not suspect to something? It didn’t click with me at all.  If you’re minding your business, eating lunch, you’re breaking no rules at all in a public park.  BUT — if you’re stalking little children on a playground, you will be asked to leave!  When John was arrested two years ago, guess where he was taking children?  To parks!  Parks and playgrounds are hangouts for pedophiles! 

Red flag number two:  Why did John go back to the very same park two days after he got into trouble there?  That didn’t make any sense at all to me.  BUT — if you’ve found a special child that you’ve been watching for days  on end, you’ll go back and study that child some more.  You’ll get out of your car, walk over to that child and talk to that child.  You’ll make friends. You’ll take pictures of that child.  Why?  Because that’s just exactly how pedophiles who molest gain the trust of children!  I urge you to read “Not With My Child.”  That book will enlighten you!

Red flag number three:  John was always very secretive about “his car.”  I was rarely allowed to drive it, and if I did, he always had to empty out boxes from the trunk of his car before I was allowed to drive the car.  He called it his “office on wheels.”  Granted he did have boxes of insurance forms and papers in the trunk, but he also had all kinds of other things.  When his car had to be towed from the park, he was very anxious to get back to the car to “get some things.”  He walked all the way back into the park to his car to get his bag of “stuff” rather than let it sit there in the car while the car was towed back to town.  What was in there that was so special??  I would later find out, and it wasn’t pretty!  (I’ll save this for another blog.)

Pedophiles who molest children often use parks and playgrounds as their hangouts.  John used parks and playgrounds as his hangouts.  Why?  Children are always there, and they wear bathing suits, and shorts, and they pull their pants down when they go to the bathroom exposing themselves.  Pedophiles who are looking for arousal can easily go into the restroom with young boys and get quite a show without the children ever knowing it.  And, sadly, many parents will not watch their children at parks and will allow them to use the restroom alone.  Pedophiles have easy access to peeking inside and watching these children.

My heart feels sick.  One of the very first letters John wrote me when he was in Israel before we got married included details about how he hid behind the bushes and watched the young girls change out of their clothes into their swimsuits.  Many times they swam nude.  I cried when I read the letters because I thought it was so hurtful to tell me he was doing this while we were engaged.  Now I cry because I know exactly what he was doing and why.

Parents beware!  Please, please keep your children under your careful eyes at all times — especially at camps, playgrounds, and parks where others have easy access to watching your children, taking photos of your children, and getting close to your children and touching them where they should NEVER be touched!!!

We are too lax in our thinking — far too naïve in our thinking so many times.  I was completely naïve and couldn’t put the pieces of this very odd behavior together until many, many children had been harmed.

Children are innocent.  If someone says, “Pull down your pants and I’ll help you go to the bathroom”, they’ll let you do it.  If a trustworthy looking adult offers you a bag of chips and a soda and then says, “Let me help you change out of your swimsuit and you can be all ready to go home when mommy comes up from the lake”, they’ll allow it.  That’s when the very trained fingers of a pedophile go to work!  I’m not mincing words because this is serious business.

Our children are precious!  Let’s do all we can to keep them safe.  Please, let’s make it impossible for molesters to get to our children.  Set safe boundaries for your children and don’t get lazy with enforcing those boundaries — ever!

Thank you for sticking with me.  Thank you for reading and sharing.  Thank you for doing your part to keep our children safe! Thank you for helping me warn others of the dangers that are often waiting for them in the most innocent of places!

Who is the molester?  I’ll say it again and again.  The molester is not the creepy guy with matted hair, smelly clothes, and dirt under his fingernails.  He is the preacher, the teacher, the gym coach, the salesman, the businessman, the attorney, the Sunday school teacher.  He’s anyone!  Keep your eyes and ears open at all times.  For the sake of the children, please stay alert!

Love,

Clara