Tag Archives: molesters

Married to a Pedophile: The Night of the Break-In!

Posted on by

If you’ve been following along with my story, you know that by now John and I had been in a rocky marriage for a long time.  Actually, I take that back.  He thought it was a wonderful marriage.  I was the one who was constantly confused, upset, hurt, crying, disillusioned, and often felt like I was a bit on the crazy side.  He was a difficult man to figure out and by now I had all but quit trying!

This particular event I’m going to tell you about took place in the summer.  It was a warm, lovely Friday evening as I remember, and John had been away all week working insurance.  He was running on a super high as he had planned a weekend youth retreat for the church.  Those events always got him charged up.  He was like another person when he was around young people!  That’s when he lit up and came to life!

With me he was quiet, had nothing to say, and would literally fall asleep while I was trying to talk to him.  I honestly believed that the only reason he was married to me was to have someone to keep up with his laundry, take care of the kids, the bills, and all of the household chores, and to have a delicious home-cooked meal ready for him on those occasions when he was home.

Little by little our marriage was dying, and deep within my soul I knew it. Continue reading →

Married to a Pedophile: Behind Closed Doors

Posted on by

I’m writing this with a very mixed bag of emotions.  Who wants to talk to the world about what goes on behind closed doors in their bedroom?  And, who wants to talk about this when family and friends are reading?  I know for a fact that I don’t want to talk about it, but there have been so many questions people have asked me that I feel compelled to write at least a little bit about this topic because it’s so very important to know how a pedophile can love children in an unnatural way, be enamored with them, get totally turned on by them, think about children day and night in sexual ways, go to great lengths to make up master plans to touch them, fondle them, get them to do things to stimulate themselves as well as satisfy the predator, and then eventually cross that line of actually having sex with a child — all the while having a relationship with a wife.

I do not know the “all” of this, nor do I claim to be an expert on this topic.  What I do know is what it was like for me to be married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years.

If you are new to this blog, I strongly suggest that you begin at the very beginning of my story.  This blog is written in increments that are building blocks of information that will help you piece together the red flags that should have set off an alarm with me, but didn’t.  It is my hope that as you read, you will be able to identify the warning signs so that you don’t have to go through forty years to find answers.

So, what was it like?  What was the sexual part of married life like?  We had eleven children together and people have constantly made comments about what a wild sex life we must have had.  Hmmm…..not hardly.  Not so at all.  In fact, most times if I didn’t initiate sex, there would have been none.

Night after night after night I would go to bed waiting for some kind of physical touch.  I would have loved holding hands.  A kiss goodnight.  A hug.  Anything.  But, part of the control as I understand it now was to make me cry.  To make me want.  To make me feel needy and small and insignificant and unappreciated.  To make me feel unattractive.  Unloved.  Unwanted.  Yes, even in our earliest years of married life together “I” was the one who had to constantly ask for some kind of physical intimacy.  How humiliating to be sharing this!!!

closed doorYou might be wanting to ask a question I get asked frequently.  “Were you a virgin when you got married.”  Yes, I was.  And, John said he was, although now I don’t at all believe that.  I dreamed about my wedding night and how wonderful it would be to present my body to the man of my dreams knowing that he was the one and only man I’d ever given myself to in that  way.  Sadly, the entire episode was over in 5 minutes and I was made to feel cheap and dirty.

Was he pushy?  Sometimes.  I’ll not share on this blog details but there were things that John did to me that made me wonder what was going on.  This was the same man who never had sex with a light on.  Never allowed me in the bathroom with him.  Never would dream of stepping into the bathroom when I was showering.  He acted like he was totally uninterested. At times he acted totally disgusted if he saw me unclothed.  And, he was.  Now, I know and understand that.

I can’t put into words how cheap this made me feel.

I used to listen to some of my friends talking about having to push their husbands away because they wanted sex all of the time.  Not mine.  In fact, on many, many occasions he couldn’t perform even when we’d gone as long as a month or more without any intimacy.  I now know why.  He was fulfilling himself with porn and visions of little children, and later on with groping, touching, fondling and eventually having sex with children.  He didn’t need me or want me.

My heart feels broken all over again — for those precious children who were used and abused.  And, I’m angry that he used me as a way to conceal who he really was — a man who was not interested in adult sex.  That was NOT his turn-on!

Sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a complex means of communication.  Yes, it is a physical fulfillment for both, but it is also an emotional bond of love and a means of saying, “You’re the most special person in this world and the only one that I am willing to share this part of myself with.”  To be denied that type of communication within a marriage hurts to the very core of a person’s heart.

After years and years of “torment”, and this is what the sexual deprivation/demand cycle was for me, I shut down and finally decided to move out of our bedroom.  It was like something inside of me snapped — the final straw.  I don’t know how I mustered the courage, but I finally said “no” to him.  I no longer would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep when he turned his back on me.  I would no longer reach out for him to hold my hand.  I no longer would accommodate him when he wanted to have intimacy (which was very rarely).

And, he was shocked!  We had many arguments the last five years together over this.  I now understand that his control over me was beginning to unravel and I’m sure that was unsettling to him.  I slept on the couch.  Sadly, my heart hardened and I made a promise to myself that no more would I allow him to hurt me in this way.  No more would I beg to be touched.  No more would I cry because I was shoved away.  It’s strangely true that after a while the pain becomes numb.  I stopped feeling.

This part of our lives was over.  BUT, the interesting thing to me was that John loved to tell stories at church that “hinted” how much we were having sex together.  He’d make comments such as, “We had a wild night last night.  Forgive me for such a short sermon.”  Or, “Look out — there just might be another little Hinton on the way.”  He knew it embarrassed me, but he also knew I’d never speak out — I’d never tell about his lies.  Even now part of me feels like a betrayer — that’s just how complete manipulation and control work.

So, what were the red flags?  What should I have seen that I didn’t?

1.  Any husband who loves his wife will communicate with her verbally and sexually.  John refused to do either.  The topic was off-limits.  He did what he wanted, when he wanted and that was that.  Period.

2.  He knew how much this “denial” hurt, yet he continued to do this making me feel humiliated when I asked.  And, I’m not just talking about intercourse.  I’m talking about holding hands, kissing, back rubs — any kind of touching.  He said it made him squeamish and he didn’t like it.  He used a lame excuse that when I touched him he could feel his blood moving through his veins and it gave him the creeps.  So, he didn’t want to be touched.

3.  Once I got pregnant, the sex stopped.  I got pregnant easily, and for John this was a blessing.  If I was pregnant, I felt satisfied.  I had a baby growing inside of me and I wasn’t as interested in intimacy with him.  He knew that.  Pregnancy was a perfect escape for him.  In fact, it was a double whammy.  He had me where he wanted me — at home, and quiet.  I wouldn’t beg him for any type of attention when I was pregnant.

4. He had control.  Sex was when he wanted and no other time.  He did not take me into consideration.  He was in charge, and no matter how much I cried or tried to talk to him about it, he wouldn’t change.  Period.  Total control!

Of course I haven’t shared everything with you.  It’s hard enough sharing this much.  But, people wonder if men who are pedophiles can have sex with a woman.  Yes, they can.  But, I wouldn’t call the sex “making love.”  I’d call it a “chore.”  I’m sure some pedophiles enjoy both women and children — an even more complicated mixed bag. But, the man I was married to made it very clear that I was not the one who satisfied him.  Again, very humiliating!

The bottom line is this:  It’s all about control.  I’ll say it again.  It’s all about control.

If you are in a marriage and you are experiencing similar things “behind closed doors”, please seek counseling.  This isn’t normal.  This really and truly isn’t healthy for a marriage.  Marriage is give and take in all areas of life!

If you are being shoved away by the very one who says he loves you, something is very, very wrong.  If you are belittled time and time again, humiliated, and hurt, something is very wrong.  If there is no verbal communication, generally there is also very poor intimate communication.  You cannot have one without the other.

What does all of this have to do with child abuse?  Truthfully, everything!  Pedophiles use children to fulfill their fantasies.  They often have wives who love and adore them, but they are more interested in scheming, planning,  and grooming children to fulfill their insatiable appetite for children.

Please, if you are in a marriage, and you are experiencing this type of mental, emotional, and physical abuse, get help now!  There is something wrong.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking this is just a passing phase.  I’m not saying all men who push away their wives are pedophiles, but I am saying something is wrong and you need to get help!

I hope this has answered some of your questions, and I pray that some of you have been enlightened.  We need to be on guard at all times!  Don’t allow a predator to come after your child in order to satisfy his unnatural, hurtful, desires for children.  Please take this seriously.  I wish I had been more aware of what a really solid marriage was like — in all areas of life.  Learn from me.  You are beautiful.  You are precious.  You are special.  Nobody should ever have to beg for love.

And, for heaven’s sake, no child should ever be placed in an at-risk situation with a malicious, harmful molester!!!!

Please let’s do all we can to keep our children safe!!! Yes, these things are embarrassing to talk about.  But, for the sake and safety of our children, let’s put our embarrassment aside and bring these things to light.  This is the ONLY way we’re going to stop these predators.  They’re counting on us not talking.  They’re counting on us to continue to keep their lies safely hidden away.

No more!  It’s time to speak the truth for the sake of our children! 

Flowers - BLOG!!!!!!!Thank you for reading and hanging in here with me.  Together, we will make this a safer place for our children!

Love,

Clara

Married to a Pedophile: The Fascination of Parks and Playgrounds!

Posted on by

Admittedly, I’ve taken some time off from this blog because it’s been too hard to “go there” in my thoughts on most days.  This is the Christmas season, and I want to be happy and in a celebratory mood — not dwelling on the past and all of the ugliness associated with being married for years and years to a practicing pedophile.  I still have days when it’s hard to believe.

This week, though, I find it necessary to pull up some memories that caused huge red flags for me.  I got angry.  I was frustrated.  I just didn’t understand the man I was married to and some days it about drove me crazy!  There were many, many “park and playground” incidences that I can recall — and I do mean many — but I’ll only share one week of these questionable moments with you.  Slowly but surely the pieces are all beginning to fit together.  And, the more pieces of this horrid puzzle that fall into place, the more sick my stomach becomes.

If you are new to this blog, please begin reading here.  This blog is very quick reading — it’s written in story form so that you can follow along and learn with me what these “red flags” were all during our forty years of marriage and understand why I never acted on them.  At the time these events were taking place, I didn’t even know what the word “pedophile” meant, let alone suspect that my husband was molesting children!

John traveled most days working the insurance job.  It was not unusual for him to leave in the morning around 9:00 a.m. and not return until midnight when he was traveling to places that were two and three hours away.  Honestly, I never did understand why he put himself under such pressure.  We needed supplemental income, but he said to me, “I’ll never work a time clock!  Never!  I’ll be my own boss, set my own hours, and that’s how it will be.”

And, that’s just how he seemed happiest — he made his own appointments and off he went.  Sometimes for a day, many times for a week at a time.  I hated it that way, but he was a great salesman, made good money, and got to be his own boss, and even though there was terrible stress with a commission only job, he still said he’d never work for an hourly wage job.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about one particular week when his behavior was more odd than usual.  He was stalling downstairs in his office (supposedly making appointments for the day), but when he came upstairs to leave it would be around ten o’clock or later which didn’t give him much of a work day at all considering he had to travel two hours one day.

By this time, we had a family of eight children — they were born pretty much one right after the other.  And, yes, we did plan on having a large family — a question I still get asked to this day.  This particular week, I got a frantic call from John one afternoon.  “Clara, I need you to come get me.  I’m stuck in some deep mud in a park.  The more I tried to get out of this mess, the worse I dug my tires into this muck.”

“Where are you calling from?  If you’re stuck, how do you have a phone?”

He was calling from a police car!  The police were patrolling the park, and found John there and went up to him and asked him what he was doing.  He said he was eating his lunch and preparing for his Sunday sermon while on lunch break.

“So what am I supposed to do?!?!”

He said, “Come get me.  I’ll be at the police station.  The car will have to be towed.”

I was furious!  Absolutely furious!  This meant packing up all 8 kids into the station wagon and driving two hours one-way to pick him up, paying for the cost of the gas, Turnpike tolls, and a towing fee!  All because he drove into some park and got stuck in the deep mud!

This didn’t make sense then, but it sure does now!

I was not a happy camper over this, but his story sounded convincing enough and thankfully the car was okay.  It was towed out of there, John got a fine (I’m still not sure why), and his car was ready for the road in a day.

Two days later I was rocking one of the kids to sleep for his nap and I got another frantic call from John.

“You’re not going to believe this.  I was eating my lunch when I spotted a deer.  I got out of the car to follow the deer tracks and when I went to leave I realized I locked my car keys inside of the car.  I walked to the main road and hitched a ride to the nearest telephone.  Can you come get me with the spare key?”

“You have got to be kidding me!” I screamed!  Where are you?”

“I’m in the same park where I was stuck on Monday. I was eating lunch planning out the rest of the day when I saw the deer.”

Honestly, I was seeing red!  “Why were you in the park?!?!?!?!”

“Because I like to eat in private and I like to get out and stretch my legs after sitting for two hours driving.”

So, I packed up the kids again, and off we went.  This time I actually got to see where the car was.  It was deep into a park right outside of Mars, Pennsylvania.  Interestingly, it was located next to the little playground and the restrooms.  Odd, I thought.  There were beautiful spots where you could see the lake, but he was parked by the latrines and the swings for kids.

We rode home in silence.  I was angry about this happening two times in one week.  Irresponsible at the very least.  And, very strange if you ask me.  I usually backed down in an argument, but not this time.  I wanted to know what the fascination was with driving into parks for lunch breaks.  John often told me he took naps in parks when he got tired from driving.  He ate his lunches among nature because that inspired him.  He got out to stretch his legs.  Or, he needed to use a bathroom and didn’t know where else to stop.  Why did he drive all of those miles and spend so much time away from home sitting in parks?  He was supposed to be making calls to clients!!!

I fell for his lies hook, line and sinker.  Again, and again, I fell for the lies!

Red flag number one:  Why would a policeman ask you to leave a public park if you’re not suspect to something? It didn’t click with me at all.  If you’re minding your business, eating lunch, you’re breaking no rules at all in a public park.  BUT — if you’re stalking little children on a playground, you will be asked to leave!  When John was arrested two years ago, guess where he was taking children?  To parks!  Parks and playgrounds are hangouts for pedophiles! 

Red flag number two:  Why did John go back to the very same park two days after he got into trouble there?  That didn’t make any sense at all to me.  BUT — if you’ve found a special child that you’ve been watching for days  on end, you’ll go back and study that child some more.  You’ll get out of your car, walk over to that child and talk to that child.  You’ll make friends. You’ll take pictures of that child.  Why?  Because that’s just exactly how pedophiles who molest gain the trust of children!  I urge you to read “Not With My Child.”  That book will enlighten you!

Red flag number three:  John was always very secretive about “his car.”  I was rarely allowed to drive it, and if I did, he always had to empty out boxes from the trunk of his car before I was allowed to drive the car.  He called it his “office on wheels.”  Granted he did have boxes of insurance forms and papers in the trunk, but he also had all kinds of other things.  When his car had to be towed from the park, he was very anxious to get back to the car to “get some things.”  He walked all the way back into the park to his car to get his bag of “stuff” rather than let it sit there in the car while the car was towed back to town.  What was in there that was so special??  I would later find out, and it wasn’t pretty!  (I’ll save this for another blog.)

Pedophiles who molest children often use parks and playgrounds as their hangouts.  John used parks and playgrounds as his hangouts.  Why?  Children are always there, and they wear bathing suits, and shorts, and they pull their pants down when they go to the bathroom exposing themselves.  Pedophiles who are looking for arousal can easily go into the restroom with young boys and get quite a show without the children ever knowing it.  And, sadly, many parents will not watch their children at parks and will allow them to use the restroom alone.  Pedophiles have easy access to peeking inside and watching these children.

My heart feels sick.  One of the very first letters John wrote me when he was in Israel before we got married included details about how he hid behind the bushes and watched the young girls change out of their clothes into their swimsuits.  Many times they swam nude.  I cried when I read the letters because I thought it was so hurtful to tell me he was doing this while we were engaged.  Now I cry because I know exactly what he was doing and why.

Parents beware!  Please, please keep your children under your careful eyes at all times — especially at camps, playgrounds, and parks where others have easy access to watching your children, taking photos of your children, and getting close to your children and touching them where they should NEVER be touched!!!

We are too lax in our thinking — far too naïve in our thinking so many times.  I was completely naïve and couldn’t put the pieces of this very odd behavior together until many, many children had been harmed.

Children are innocent.  If someone says, “Pull down your pants and I’ll help you go to the bathroom”, they’ll let you do it.  If a trustworthy looking adult offers you a bag of chips and a soda and then says, “Let me help you change out of your swimsuit and you can be all ready to go home when mommy comes up from the lake”, they’ll allow it.  That’s when the very trained fingers of a pedophile go to work!  I’m not mincing words because this is serious business.

Our children are precious!  Let’s do all we can to keep them safe.  Please, let’s make it impossible for molesters to get to our children.  Set safe boundaries for your children and don’t get lazy with enforcing those boundaries — ever!

Thank you for sticking with me.  Thank you for reading and sharing.  Thank you for doing your part to keep our children safe! Thank you for helping me warn others of the dangers that are often waiting for them in the most innocent of places!

Who is the molester?  I’ll say it again and again.  The molester is not the creepy guy with matted hair, smelly clothes, and dirt under his fingernails.  He is the preacher, the teacher, the gym coach, the salesman, the businessman, the attorney, the Sunday school teacher.  He’s anyone!  Keep your eyes and ears open at all times.  For the sake of the children, please stay alert!

Love,

Clara