Author Archives: Clara Hinton

Married to a Pedophile: The Hand is Quicker Than the Eye!

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The amount of readers to this blog is mind-boggling to me.  Never in a million years did I expect so much interest in this topic.  What I’m learning is the sad fact that there is so much abuse that has been kept silent that it’s frightening.  Because of the silence of those who have been abused, the molesters have had the freedom to do as they please with little repercussions, if any.  Why?  Because most children who have been abused keep quiet.  They’re embarrassed.  They’re afraid.  They’re humiliated.  And, they don’t think anyone will believe them. And, sadly, our laws aren’t designed to fully protect them!

But, that is changing!  Silence no more!  Victims are turning into survivors!  They are learning to speak up and speak out and they are being heard!  Every time you read one of these posts and you share it, you’ve done your part in diluting the power of the molester and you are encouraging the victim who is gaining the courage to become the survivor.

Thank you!  Thank you so much for doing your part in being a voice for the children!

If you are new to this blog, I’d strongly suggest that you begin here.

By this time in our married lives, I was “okay” with life.  I had a house filled with children, and they made me happy.  John was gone mostly every week working insurance, and we all had adjusted to that routine.  He generally came home Friday nights and stayed through Sunday afternoon.  It’s amazing how quickly a family can adapt when they have to do it!  And, yes, he remained the preacher for our local congregation.

The hard thing for me was knowing that when John came home, he had made little to no provision for time alone with me, his wife.  Somehow, time with me always seemed to get knocked to the bottom of the priority list and it was expected of me to be happy with that.  Secretly I would cry.  I was lonely and I would wait all week long for him to come home.  I wanted nothing more than to spend alone time with my husband.

I would daydream all week long of John walking through the door, giving me a great big hug, swinging me around, and saying, “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you and how much I love you!”  I would lay in bed and think about what I would say to him when he spoke those words to me.

Instead, when he came home (after being away an entire week), the very first thing he did was to lift up the lids of the pots on the stove and say, “What’s for supper?”.  After that, he’d walk to the bedroom, change into sweat pants, eat in silence, and then go downstairs to “go over paperwork.”  What a let down when he turned and walked away from me yet another time.

Always, always I wondered what was wrong with me.   He just didn’t seem interested.

There was something else that was bothering more and more.  And, that was the way John acted with others in front of me.  Sometimes I would blink my eyes two times or more just wondering if I really saw things right.  Or, was I imagining what I was seeing because I was hurt and feeling abandoned by him?

Pay attention to these red flags because they are of major importance! I never said one word to him about these things even though his actions seemed odd, strange, inappropriate, and wrong!  Why?  For the same reasons that victims of sexual abuse never speak up.  I was afraid.  I felt embarrassed.  I thought I was somehow the cause of his inappropriate actions.  And, who was going to believe me if I did say something?  Certainly not anyone from church!  He was the hero — the coolest preacher ever!

1.  The first time I saw this, I had to re-think this over and over thousands of times questioning myself if it really happened.  Just as quick as lightning, John pulled his pants down (yes, underwear and all) and bared his entire bottom to a group of girls.  Why?  He said he was just joking and teasing and said ever so quickly, “Don’t look now, but I’m gonna moon you!”

And, he did!   Yes, that’s right.  The odd thing was that the girls didn’t seem at all put off by this or surprised or upset.  Instead, he was just more fun to them than ever! This was done on many occasions and almost always in front of our own children (because he was “mooning” their friends).  It was a shock effect, but nobody reacted adversely — not one of us!  Pedophiles love using the shock effect as a test to see how far they can go without anyone telling! 

2.  John loved to pick up little girls and hold them in their crotch (between their legs), and balance them high in the air with one hand.  Mothers would ask him to stop — they were afraid he was going to drop their child.  I used to turn and look away.  I couldn’t stand it.  I just knew he’d end up hurting a child.

What’s wrong with this?  His hand positions on the child — always, always hands in crotch.  And, his total disrespect of a parent’s boundaries for their child! And, knowing what I now know about a pedophile’s behavior, this was a way of exciting himself!

3.  John loved to change diapers.  Honestly, if I never changed another diaper in all of my life I’d be happy.  Not John.  He’d always whisk up a child and say, “Phew!  I smell something bad in here.  Let’s go get you changed.”  And, away he went with the child’s diaper bag to change the child’s diaper in a back bedroom or someplace in the church that was private.  I thought it was weird that he’d want to change somebody else’s child’s diaper, but now it’s a lot more than weird.  It’s a waving red flag that something was very wrong!!!!

4.  The first time John did this, I threw the sight of this to the back of my mind because I kept thinking, “There is no way I saw him do that.  Absolutely no way!”  But, I did see it, and I kept seeing it.  John would “tweak a boob” as he called it.  Just as quick as lightning, he’d grab a girl’s breast and squeeze her (reaching for her nipple) leaving both the child and me in shock!  And, yes, he even did that in church in front of adults.  And, no.  Nobody (including me) ever said anything.

Obviously, he was again using the shock effect. And, it worked!  He got his jollies and nobody said a word.  Not a soul called him out on this!

5.  John loved to “wrestle” with little kids — tackling them, tickling them, and rolling around with them on the floor.  It was embarrassing to me to see him act so immature, and I’d ask him time and time again not to do that.  But, he continued.  Why would a man of 35 years plus do this with little kids?  He said he loved to “loosen kids up and get them to laugh.”  I believed him, even though I didn’t like what he was doing. This should have been a big red flag to me that there was something more involved than immaturity!

Rolling around on the floor drawing children up close against him was another way of getting physical pleasure AND of grooming children.  This is a tactic used by many molesters.  Little children feel pleasure when touched in private places and they don’t understand what’s going on.  Bingo!  Exactly what the pedophile wants to happen!

6.  Snapping a little girl’s training bra was another favorite.  He loved that “little teeny bopper age” as he called it when girls were “just sprouting their boobs.”  I would yell at him to stop it, but he’d only laugh.  “You’re too uptight.  These kids never get to have any fun.  Their parents are like dried up prune pits.  They don’t know how to laugh with their kids.  This is nothing but kids having fun.”  Again, I fell for it thinking maybe I was the prude — one of the ones who was a dried up prune pit.

Do you see what was going on here?  Do you see how John was getting away with things right in front of adults?  Can you see how this is called “grooming”?  He was “in training” — testing.  Testing to see just what he could do right in front of an audience without anyone thinking ill of him.  He was a master!  Every move of the hand was calculated, planned, and well thought out.  He was playing games with the adults (who was going to question this fine, trusting man?) while he was stimulating himself by touching breasts, grabbing between little girls’ legs, and baring his own adult male body in front of these pre-pubescent girls.

I’m sick as I think about it.  Totally sick.  Once again I fell for his horrid lies.  He often told me that I was no fun.  I didn’t know how to joke and tease.  He knew my father wasn’t this kind of man, so he’d often say, “You grew up in a home where your father wasn’t really a father.  You had no male role models, so that’s why you can’t see how funny this is.”

He did a great job convincing me that I was the one who was thinking wrong!  And, this is just how a pedophile works to lure your child, trick the parents, and get away with molesting children without any fear whatsoever of anyone telling!

Please, please think about these red flags I’ve just shared with you!  It’s NOT okay for a grown man to bare his privates in front of kids “just for fun.”  It’s NOT okay to grab little children between their crotch!  It’s NOT okay to ever touch a girl’s breast or squeeze her nipples!  It’s NOT okay to rub your adult body up against a small child and force them to feel your adult body being excited!  It’s NOT okay to take a small child to a back room and take off a diaper and use your hands to excite yourself.

NONE OF THIS IS OKAY!!!!!  NONE OF IT!!!!!!  Together we must be aware, we must do all we can to keep our children safe, and we must continue to be a voice for our children.

I didn’t have the information you now have.  I didn’t even know what a pedophile was and I was married to one.  Please learn from my pain.  Please listen to what I have to say.  Please pay attention, and do all you can to keep our children safe!

I hope to be posting a link within the week along with a form letter template to send to our lawmakers.  We need changes in our laws and in order to do that we need to create a voice with those who make the laws.  I’m hoping that you will help!

Grooming a Child

Love,

Clara

PS  For more information on child abuse, please visit my son’s blog — written from the heart of the son of a pedophile.

Married to a Pedophile: Preacher, Husband, Father, Pedophile – What a Mix!

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Today is Sunday, and Sundays always bring my heart a bit closer to God.  I spend time in worship.  I read a lot from God’s word.  I love to reflect on the week that has gone by as well as ask God’s blessings on the week to come.

Today’s meditative thoughts were hard for me.  I’ve had several emails in the past few weeks from people asking me about my faith, my children’s faith, and life in general since finding out that the man I married, the father of my children, was a practicing pedophile all of the days of our almost forty-year marriage.  This walk back through memory lane has been difficult.  I don’t like to spend a lot of time thinking about the past because it stirs up emotions in me that are most often best left to rest.

But, today I’ll share some with you.  I think it’s important for you to know some of what this kind of trauma does to a family.

If you’re new to this blog, I’d suggest that you begin with my first post about being married to a pedophile.  For the most part, I’ve been writing in chronological order so that you can see what life was like living with a man who really was two different people — the awesome, wonderful preacher, father, and beloved community leader AND the man who stalked children, who planned on how to molest them, and who carried out his plans leaving behind a lifetime of hellish trauma for many of those little girls he took as “his own.”

I’m going to answer five questions that have been most often asked of me since beginning this blog.  I know you have many, many more questions, and you can email me your questions to cover at a later time on this blog as we progress with my story about what it was like being married to a man I didn’t know.  Not only being married to a man I didn’t know, but being to a married to a man who committed some of the most heinous crimes known to mankind.

1.  When did you become and Christian and how has the knowledge of who your husband really was affect your faith?

When I was twelve-years-old I was baptized and made a commitment to give my life to Christ.  I was so thankful for the gift of knowing God and my Lord that I wanted every part of my being to live according to the Bible.  That is 99.9% why I married John.  I thought he was “my gift from God.”  “The answer to my prayers.”  “The man God sent to me.”  I prayed daily from before the age of twelve for a Christian husband.

Marriage was a huge disappointment for me almost immediately because I soon realized there was something very wrong with my marriage.  However, I believed the problem was “me.”  I continued to work harder at trying to be a more loving, harder working, more understanding wife in order to be loved more.  Obviously, it didn’t work.  John’s affections and thoughts were elsewhere unknown to me.

What has this knowledge of finding out that the man I married was a child molester done to my faith?  In all honesty, for a while I distanced myself from God.  I couldn’t pray because I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t want to read the Bible because it didn’t make sense.  I didn’t want to go to church because I lost trust in everyone.  I still believed in God, but I was no longer “sure” of the part God played in my life.

Where am I now in my faith?  I’m climbing back slowly.  I pray many times every day.  I read from God’s word daily.  I don’t understand why God allowed me to marry this man, but I know one thing:  I sure am thankful for the blessings of my children and grandchildren.  Had I not married John I would not have them and I can’t imagine one day without my family!

One thing I find incredibly difficult to do is to set foot back into the building where John preached.  My son Jimmy is the preacher there, and I love him so much, I love his pure heart, and I love having spiritual discussions with him, but………to sit in that building brings on an inner trembling that to date I cannot stop.  For thirty plus years I sat faithfully and listened to John preach from that pulpit.  I believed him.  I honored him.  I respected him.

In truthfulness, it’s just too hard on my heart yet to sit in that same building.  That is a “trauma trigger” for me.  I make no excuses.  It’s just a fact.  It’s going to take some more time.

2.  Did you ever imagine yourself as divorced?

This is a hard one.  Just the other day I was faced with a difficult situation.  I was in a group setting and we were talking about large families and a lady asked, “What kind of job does your husband have?  I can’t imagine how he was able to put food on the table for all of the kids.”  Then, she went on and one talking about how happy I must be to be almost retired with my husband, how much she bets we are looking forward to our golden years together, and on and on.

Obviously, she didn’t know that I’m not married, and that my ex-husband is sitting out the remainder of his life in prison for molesting children.

Instead of answering her, I took the coward’s way out and just nodded and smiled.

It is so hard for me to say, “I am divorced.”  I’ve practiced saying it.  I’ve practiced writing it.  I’ve practiced thinking it.  But, it still doesn’t feel like a good fit.  An even worse fit, though, would be married to the man I thought I knew.  That’s incomprehensible to me!

So, the answer is no.  I never, ever thought I’d be divorced.  In fact, when I said “I do” those words were eternally sealed for me, or so I thought.

My feelings range from feeling like someone who is cheap and used, to being worthless, to being made a mockery, to being stupid……you get the picture.

Every day I have to work on building up my self-esteem.  It’s a slow process.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and mouth the words, “Is this really my life?”

This is a very different life than I planned on having, a very different life that I prayed God would give me, and not one that I’ve settled into yet.  I’m a work in progress.

3.  Do you feel bitter?

That’s an easy one for me to answer.  “No.”  I’m old enough to realize that my blessings far outweigh my pain.  I’m not bitter.  Bitterness accomplishes nothing.  I’m sad.  That’s a better descriptive word of how I feel.  Mostly sad.

4.  Do you worry about your children?

Every minute of every day my children are on my mind.  Their father is in prison which makes them children of a prisoner.  That’s an entirely new role for them.  The pain of finding out about their dad’s double life has been indescribable!  Some of them have had their faith increased by a thousand-fold.  Others of them have a hard time believing there is a God.

Think about it.  This is their father — the man who took care of their physical needs such as a home, clothing, food, doctor’s visits……..and this is the man who was also their spiritual example.  He was their preacher.  He was their Sunday school teacher.  He was their youth group leader.  He was the one who baptized them.

And, now…..he’s the one who sits in prison writing them letters — not begging for forgiveness, but preaching to them about how they must forgive him.  He has shamed them, used them, made a mockery of the position “minister — man of God”, and he has certainly caused pain and confusion like none other.  This was the man they loved with all of their hearts, trusted with all of their minds, and who they went to for guidance and counsel.  He lied.  He deceived.  He cheated.  He molested.  He did evil things.  And, this does terrible things to the hearts and minds of children.  This one man has caused not just his children, but countless others, so much pain!!!!!

If you can’t trust your father, who can you trust?

5.  Do you think about the future?

Yes, I do.  But, not a lot just yet.  I wonder what God has in mind.  Is there a purpose in all of this?  If so, what is that purpose and when will it be revealed?

I mostly take things a day at a time.  This rocked me — knocked me off of my feet — and has left me a bit shaky.  I’m getting stronger each day, but it’s a daily progression.  Little-by-little…….a step at a time.

I worry about facing the future alone.  The kids are all grown and most have families of their own which is wonderful.  But, I wonder what life will be like for me, and then I’m drawn back to the beautiful thought that I’ll leave you with:

“There are no mistakes.” 

I just love that!  I believe that with all of my heart!  I may not see the reason or purpose just yet, but someday I will. Mistakes Thank you for reading.  Thanks so much for learning.  Thanks so much for asking.  Together we will become a strong, unified voice working to create awareness for child abuse and to create a safe place for all children!

If you have other questions you’d like answered in future blog posts, please email me at:  clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com .  If you are in need of a speaker to come talk to your group about how to recognize the red flags of abuse, how to create safe guidelines to prevent abuse, and to hear more of my story, please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com .

My love to you!

Clara

PS  Next time, we’ll pick up in the ongoing story of recognizing the red flags of child abuse.

Married to a Pedophile: Behind Closed Doors

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I’m writing this with a very mixed bag of emotions.  Who wants to talk to the world about what goes on behind closed doors in their bedroom?  And, who wants to talk about this when family and friends are reading?  I know for a fact that I don’t want to talk about it, but there have been so many questions people have asked me that I feel compelled to write at least a little bit about this topic because it’s so very important to know how a pedophile can love children in an unnatural way, be enamored with them, get totally turned on by them, think about children day and night in sexual ways, go to great lengths to make up master plans to touch them, fondle them, get them to do things to stimulate themselves as well as satisfy the predator, and then eventually cross that line of actually having sex with a child — all the while having a relationship with a wife.

I do not know the “all” of this, nor do I claim to be an expert on this topic.  What I do know is what it was like for me to be married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years.

If you are new to this blog, I strongly suggest that you begin at the very beginning of my story.  This blog is written in increments that are building blocks of information that will help you piece together the red flags that should have set off an alarm with me, but didn’t.  It is my hope that as you read, you will be able to identify the warning signs so that you don’t have to go through forty years to find answers.

So, what was it like?  What was the sexual part of married life like?  We had eleven children together and people have constantly made comments about what a wild sex life we must have had.  Hmmm…..not hardly.  Not so at all.  In fact, most times if I didn’t initiate sex, there would have been none.

Night after night after night I would go to bed waiting for some kind of physical touch.  I would have loved holding hands.  A kiss goodnight.  A hug.  Anything.  But, part of the control as I understand it now was to make me cry.  To make me want.  To make me feel needy and small and insignificant and unappreciated.  To make me feel unattractive.  Unloved.  Unwanted.  Yes, even in our earliest years of married life together “I” was the one who had to constantly ask for some kind of physical intimacy.  How humiliating to be sharing this!!!

closed doorYou might be wanting to ask a question I get asked frequently.  “Were you a virgin when you got married.”  Yes, I was.  And, John said he was, although now I don’t at all believe that.  I dreamed about my wedding night and how wonderful it would be to present my body to the man of my dreams knowing that he was the one and only man I’d ever given myself to in that  way.  Sadly, the entire episode was over in 5 minutes and I was made to feel cheap and dirty.

Was he pushy?  Sometimes.  I’ll not share on this blog details but there were things that John did to me that made me wonder what was going on.  This was the same man who never had sex with a light on.  Never allowed me in the bathroom with him.  Never would dream of stepping into the bathroom when I was showering.  He acted like he was totally uninterested. At times he acted totally disgusted if he saw me unclothed.  And, he was.  Now, I know and understand that.

I can’t put into words how cheap this made me feel.

I used to listen to some of my friends talking about having to push their husbands away because they wanted sex all of the time.  Not mine.  In fact, on many, many occasions he couldn’t perform even when we’d gone as long as a month or more without any intimacy.  I now know why.  He was fulfilling himself with porn and visions of little children, and later on with groping, touching, fondling and eventually having sex with children.  He didn’t need me or want me.

My heart feels broken all over again — for those precious children who were used and abused.  And, I’m angry that he used me as a way to conceal who he really was — a man who was not interested in adult sex.  That was NOT his turn-on!

Sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a complex means of communication.  Yes, it is a physical fulfillment for both, but it is also an emotional bond of love and a means of saying, “You’re the most special person in this world and the only one that I am willing to share this part of myself with.”  To be denied that type of communication within a marriage hurts to the very core of a person’s heart.

After years and years of “torment”, and this is what the sexual deprivation/demand cycle was for me, I shut down and finally decided to move out of our bedroom.  It was like something inside of me snapped — the final straw.  I don’t know how I mustered the courage, but I finally said “no” to him.  I no longer would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep when he turned his back on me.  I would no longer reach out for him to hold my hand.  I no longer would accommodate him when he wanted to have intimacy (which was very rarely).

And, he was shocked!  We had many arguments the last five years together over this.  I now understand that his control over me was beginning to unravel and I’m sure that was unsettling to him.  I slept on the couch.  Sadly, my heart hardened and I made a promise to myself that no more would I allow him to hurt me in this way.  No more would I beg to be touched.  No more would I cry because I was shoved away.  It’s strangely true that after a while the pain becomes numb.  I stopped feeling.

This part of our lives was over.  BUT, the interesting thing to me was that John loved to tell stories at church that “hinted” how much we were having sex together.  He’d make comments such as, “We had a wild night last night.  Forgive me for such a short sermon.”  Or, “Look out — there just might be another little Hinton on the way.”  He knew it embarrassed me, but he also knew I’d never speak out — I’d never tell about his lies.  Even now part of me feels like a betrayer — that’s just how complete manipulation and control work.

So, what were the red flags?  What should I have seen that I didn’t?

1.  Any husband who loves his wife will communicate with her verbally and sexually.  John refused to do either.  The topic was off-limits.  He did what he wanted, when he wanted and that was that.  Period.

2.  He knew how much this “denial” hurt, yet he continued to do this making me feel humiliated when I asked.  And, I’m not just talking about intercourse.  I’m talking about holding hands, kissing, back rubs — any kind of touching.  He said it made him squeamish and he didn’t like it.  He used a lame excuse that when I touched him he could feel his blood moving through his veins and it gave him the creeps.  So, he didn’t want to be touched.

3.  Once I got pregnant, the sex stopped.  I got pregnant easily, and for John this was a blessing.  If I was pregnant, I felt satisfied.  I had a baby growing inside of me and I wasn’t as interested in intimacy with him.  He knew that.  Pregnancy was a perfect escape for him.  In fact, it was a double whammy.  He had me where he wanted me — at home, and quiet.  I wouldn’t beg him for any type of attention when I was pregnant.

4. He had control.  Sex was when he wanted and no other time.  He did not take me into consideration.  He was in charge, and no matter how much I cried or tried to talk to him about it, he wouldn’t change.  Period.  Total control!

Of course I haven’t shared everything with you.  It’s hard enough sharing this much.  But, people wonder if men who are pedophiles can have sex with a woman.  Yes, they can.  But, I wouldn’t call the sex “making love.”  I’d call it a “chore.”  I’m sure some pedophiles enjoy both women and children — an even more complicated mixed bag. But, the man I was married to made it very clear that I was not the one who satisfied him.  Again, very humiliating!

The bottom line is this:  It’s all about control.  I’ll say it again.  It’s all about control.

If you are in a marriage and you are experiencing similar things “behind closed doors”, please seek counseling.  This isn’t normal.  This really and truly isn’t healthy for a marriage.  Marriage is give and take in all areas of life!

If you are being shoved away by the very one who says he loves you, something is very, very wrong.  If you are belittled time and time again, humiliated, and hurt, something is very wrong.  If there is no verbal communication, generally there is also very poor intimate communication.  You cannot have one without the other.

What does all of this have to do with child abuse?  Truthfully, everything!  Pedophiles use children to fulfill their fantasies.  They often have wives who love and adore them, but they are more interested in scheming, planning,  and grooming children to fulfill their insatiable appetite for children.

Please, if you are in a marriage, and you are experiencing this type of mental, emotional, and physical abuse, get help now!  There is something wrong.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking this is just a passing phase.  I’m not saying all men who push away their wives are pedophiles, but I am saying something is wrong and you need to get help!

I hope this has answered some of your questions, and I pray that some of you have been enlightened.  We need to be on guard at all times!  Don’t allow a predator to come after your child in order to satisfy his unnatural, hurtful, desires for children.  Please take this seriously.  I wish I had been more aware of what a really solid marriage was like — in all areas of life.  Learn from me.  You are beautiful.  You are precious.  You are special.  Nobody should ever have to beg for love.

And, for heaven’s sake, no child should ever be placed in an at-risk situation with a malicious, harmful molester!!!!

Please let’s do all we can to keep our children safe!!! Yes, these things are embarrassing to talk about.  But, for the sake and safety of our children, let’s put our embarrassment aside and bring these things to light.  This is the ONLY way we’re going to stop these predators.  They’re counting on us not talking.  They’re counting on us to continue to keep their lies safely hidden away.

No more!  It’s time to speak the truth for the sake of our children! 

Flowers - BLOG!!!!!!!Thank you for reading and hanging in here with me.  Together, we will make this a safer place for our children!

Love,

Clara

Married to a Pedophile: How I Fell In Love With Bikers!

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Just for today I’m going to skip over a lot of years and take you to that moment in the courtroom when I heard my ex-husband stand before the Judge and plead his case for mercy on HIS behalf.  Rather than fall down on his knees and sob and cry and beg forgiveness for all of the harm he had inflicted on children over the past 45 years while he molested children, he stood before the Judge with calm composure and boldly stated why his sentence should be reduced.  He elaborated why he could be “useful” in the community to help “teach about child molesters” by visiting churches and schools (which just so happen to be two of the biggest places pedophiles find children to molest).

His voice did not waver.  He did not once express his sorrow for all of the wrong his had done and the lifetime of pain his actions caused to many. Instead, he fought for HIS freedom, HIS lesser sentence.

Never will I forget that moment in court.  I had to go to hear it with my own ears.  I had to see him standing there.  I had to hear the words come out of his mouth that he had spent weeks preparing.

I had not prepared myself for the lack of emotion he had for the children he molested.  I was in no way prepared to see him stand tall and speak eloquently on HIS behalf.  That is the moment my broken heart shattered.  His thoughts were about himself — not for the children who had been fondled, touched, groped, raped, manipulated, used, and made to feel afraid, ashamed, and so confused by his actions.

I recorded every bit in my journal that night, but I have not had the courage or strength to revisit that particular day’s thoughts in my journal yet.  It’s far too soon.

Many of you continue to ask me, “What can I do?  What can I do to prevent child abuse?  What can I do to keep our neighborhood, our church, our playgrounds and parks safe?”

The first thing we can do is continue to get educated on the topic of child molestation — most especially continue to read everything you can about how the calculating actions of child molesters work!

Secondly, continue to share this blog.  I am pulling open my heart and spilling out things that are hard — really hard — for me to share.  But, I’m doing it so that I can go to bed every night knowing that I’ve done something to help keep little children safe!  Education is empowerment.  Education brings about change.  Education is the building block on which we will stand and reach out to our children!

Thirdly, I ask you to look for local resources that are cropping up to help in this war against child abuse.  And, believe me, this is a WAR! 

Lastly, let’s play out this courtroom scene a little bit differently.  Let’s change the scene to see how different things could have been.

I wonder how the scene would have changed that day if John had been face-to-face with some of the little children he molested as they pointed out, “It’s him!  It’s him!  He’s the one that did those terrible things to me!”

I wonder how those children’s lives would have changed if there had been a group available for them such is cropping up right now in the United States known as BACA — Bikers Against Child Abuse.  I wonder how big and powerful and mighty pedophiles would feel if they knew that every child they tried to abuse was covered by the love and protection of a family of BACAS!  I just wonder the impact that is already being made in the lives of children by these men who have stepped up to the plate and are being more than a voice — they are being a presence — a PRESENCE in the lives of abused children giving them empowerment and a feeling of worth!

Bikers.  Often misunderstood when they wear their bandanas and rev up the engines of their big, powerful bikes, but look at the good these BACA bikers are doing!  I just wonder how the well-dressed, articulate pedophile who hides under the mask of preacher, priest, teacher, coach, attorney, rich businessman would feel is he knew that standing by every child was a BACA member ready to step in and protect the children!

Following is a 14 minute video, and it’s worth every second of viewing time!  Watch it, please!  Check your area to see if you have a BACA chapter near you.  If you do, call them and ask how you can get involved.  If you are a biker, this is your opportunity to do something that will literally save children’s lives.

Bikers Against Child Abuse want to be the plague to end all child abuse!

Please use this as a resource for your local community!  BACA Bikers — I love you!  We love you!  The children love you!  Thank you for taking action and empowering our children!

Love,

Clara

PS  The next post will revert back to chronological order of following my life while married for almost forty years to a practicing pedophile.  My heart felt compelled to share this BACA information with you today, though.  Let’s keep up the great work and share, share, share these resources!!!!

Thank you Jimmy Hinton for this valuable information!

Married to a Pedophile: Playing in the Dark is Fun!

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Writing about my life is hard.  I don’t like to share some of these details.  And, then something gets to me and I feel like a coward for not sharing, and I know that I must — I absolutely must write more.  The thing that gets to me the most is when I look into the eyes of little children.  I see pure innocence and it about kills me to think of someone taking a child — precious and so trusting of adults — and using these children in harmful ways for their self-gratification.  I get so sick that I want to vomit, and then I get so angry I want to get face-to-face with molesters and inflict pain on them — the same kind of pain they’ve forced on these small children.  I want to hurt them the way they’ve hurt so many children only I want to hurt them worse.

And, then reality sets in and I know that causing pain is never the answer to ending pain.  So, I will continue to educate and pray daily that by sharing some of my story those who read will become empowered and will stop these predators in their tracks! I want to live to see the day when children are protected — properly protected — from the evil hands of molesters!

If you are new to my story, please begin here.  I’ve been writing in chronological order — beginning with the time I met my husband-to-be leading up to the time I found out he was a practicing pedophile for the forty years that we were married — without me knowing it!  I feel like I’ve been lied to, raped, victimized — but most of all I feel like I was used for one purpose — as a cover-up for the horrible things that were being done to little children.  I truly was the perfect enabler and it sickens me.  I don’t ever want another person to be used in this way.  It’s time for us to smarten up, speak up, and keep our children safe!!!

The last time I wrote, I talked about the oddity of my then husband spending so much time in parks when he was supposed to be working.  This week, we’ll expand on that a bit more and talk about his love of planning games for children that involved playing in the dark.  My stomach gets knotted up as I think about how many times he was the “party planner” for the kids’ birthday parties, church parties, camp talent shows, and family church camping trips.  He would buy book after book with party ideas and then study these books for weeks on end.  That is weird in and of itself.  Usually a party is a very uncomplicated thing — cake, ice cream, and having the kids run around and play.

Not so with the man I married!  He planned games that were most often played in the dark.  And, he ALWAYS insisted that he was the one to chaperone!  Keep in mind that most parents don’t want to be bothered with a group of twenty or so rambunctious kids, so they were more than willing to let him have the kids for the night of fun.  Besides that, he was a preacher!  How perfect was that?  Sending your kids off to the preacher’s home for an evening of campfires, night tag, running through the field, scavenger hunts in the dark, and lots of good food.

I will be the first one to admit that there was no way I wanted a house full of kids running around screaming and tearing up the place.  So, when John planned these outside activities I never gave it a thought until………………..

One morning following an overnighter at our home (that included a camp fire and sleeping outside in the woods following a very well planned out scavenger hunt by John) a father of one of the girls that attended was standing at the door.

“Hi!  How are you?”

He didn’t look happy.  He had come early to pick up his daughter.  He asked where they were staying and I pointed to the direction of the path in the woods.  He was kind to me, but firm.  “Sandy (not her real name) won’t be spending the night at your home any more.”

“Is there something wrong that I don’t know about? Did she get hurt?  What happened?  I’ve been inside all night with the other kids and I haven’t gone outside to check on anyone but I know John is with them.”

He looked at me with the strangest look and said, “I just want to take my daughter home.”
SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURESAfter all of the children left, John and I sat on the porch and I asked him if anything had happened to this girl during the night.  He sat in silence and looked straight ahead never speaking a word.

“Why did her dad say she’s never allowed to spend the night again?  What happened?”

Silence.  Total silence. He was nodding off to sleep — not an unusual thing for him to do when I was talking to him.  I asked my daughters who also spent the night outside, and they said nothing happened that they knew about.

Odd.  Very, very odd.  But, you know what is more odd?  The fact that I never followed up on this.  I NEVER called this father to ask what happened!  I never asked that little girl what happened!  I never did anything!  How ashamed I am to say that!  I knew something had to have happened, but in my mind I thought maybe she called her dad and got homesick and wanted to go home during the night.  Or maybe she said she had a sick stomach and wanted to go home. I don’t know.  I know kids were in and out of the house during the night using the phone calling parents (which wasn’t out of the ordinary).

I dismissed this entire thing and went on about my business of the day.

After all, these were younger kids on an overnight camp out, and she probably got spooked by something in the woods.  John had carefully planned a scavenger hunt and each kid had glow necklaces to wear in the dark, and the embers of the campfire were burning so that they could find their way through the maze he had cut through the woods.  There were fun treasures hidden along the way for the kids.  They sang by the campfire, told scary stories (as shared with me by my daughters) and everybody that spent the night had a super time!

Everybody had fun except the one girl whose father came early to pick her up.

Bloggy - Night LightsIt wasn’t until about four months after John was arrested for molesting children that I got some insight into this night in the dark.  I received an email (with a fake name) from someone and she just said, “I’m the girl whose father wouldn’t let her stay overnight at your house anymore.  I was afraid to say anything.  I never told your girls.  Ever.  But, I called my dad real early in the morning to come get me.  Mr. Hinton did things to me in the woods.”

I still don’t know exactly who this girl is because there were three other girls who weren’t allowed to spend the night at our home.  I read the email over and over again and each time I shook a bit more.  “Mr. Hinton did things to me in the woods.”

My stomach is sick right now.  I’m sick for the girls and I’m sick because I didn’t do one thing to check into “why” these girls couldn’t spend the night.  I just figured some parents didn’t want their kids doing overnighters and left it at that.  I had no reason to think otherwise — except for a deep down gut feeling that something was wrong.  And, I never acted on my feelings!!!!

Since John’s arrest I have heard from two girls who were fondled, touched, and groped by John in the dark at our home!!!  This was done while many other people were around!  And, not one of the girls spoke up.  Why?  Oh, my goodness, that’s easy to understand.  This was Mr. Hinton — the preacher, the most loved guy in the community.  Who would believe this about him?  Besides, can you imagine the shock of these girls?  Can you imagine the humiliation?  I’m so sorry to be writing these things, and God forbid, please don’t let me be hurting them more than they’ve already been hurt by talking about this.  This is horrible — the horrible truth.  It’s sickening and so wrong.

And, yet it happened.  I’m so, so sorry that this happened.

Please, I ask of you, don’t sit in silence like I did!  Press for answers.  I felt so wrong for questioning John about anything.  I thought it was my Christian duty to believe him — always! He was my husband, my preacher, the man I looked to for guidance and strength.  How wrong I was!  On so many things, I was wrong!  I took him at his word, and his words were so full of lies.

Pedophiles who molest children are liars.  They plan for weeks, months, and sometimes even years on how to corner YOUR CHILD and molest your child right in front of you or other people.  That’s part of their biggest turn-on.  Even when they go all the way and rape a child, the most thrilling part is knowing they are getting away with it with others nearby!

Please listen to me. Please don’t allow your young child to stay overnight with ANYONE — I don’t care who it is!  And, talk to your child constantly about setting boundaries.  Let your child know that if anybody ever tries to cross a boundary that they can tell you and you will believe what they say!  Let your child know you are the one they can come to with anything and you will take care of them.  Do everything in your power to keep your child safe.

And, please don’t think about hurting someone’s feelings.  You have no idea how I wish that the dad who stood on my porch would have told me that something had happened to his daughter in the woods that night.  I’m sure he didn’t want to embarrass me or cause any kind of family problems. But, I wish so much he had shared with me the fact that something happened.

Pedophiles are counting on our silence!  They want us to be embarrassed!  They’re so sure we won’t talk that they continue to molest time and time again, and it’s time for it to stop!  Please, for the sake of our children, it’s time to stop being embarrassed and begin speaking openly and plainly about what child molesters do.  They put their hands down little children’s pants.  They touch their breasts.  They fondle on the outside of their clothing and tell a child how good this is supposed to feel.  They use different methods of keeping children quiet.  They scare them.  They make them feel ashamed.  They tell them their mom or dad will never believe them.  They manipulate their young, innocent minds. They confuse them and hurt them.  They make them do terrible things for their own sexual and mental gratification, and it’s so wrong! It’s terribly wrong!!!

No more!  It’s time for it to stop!  Please help me be a voice for these children!  Help me in this fight to stop child predators in their tracks!  It’s time to make them back off into a corner and let them feel afraid, trapped, and so scared they go running!

Thank you for reading this blog.  Thank you for sharing this information.  And, thank you for caring enough to speak out for our children!
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If you are in need of a speaker for your church group, concerned group of parents, PTA, school administrators, or others, please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com .  It’s time to get the message out — for the sake of our children!

Again, thanks so much for reading this and for sharing with others.  The more we share, the more parents will understand how predators work.  And, the more educated we become the more empowered we are and the safer our children will be!

Love,

Clara