Thanks so much for continuing to read my story of what it was like being married for almost forty years to a practicing pedophile without knowing it.  This continues to be the most difficult journey of my life to date.  Every time I think that progress in the realm of grief is being made, there’s some kind of trigger – a setback – that puts my mind in a place where I question everything and everyone – the trust issues are horrible.  I look at people and in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “You’re such a fake.  How can I ever believe you?”  And, then I feel terrible for thinking this way, but………there’s a reason for my lack of trust.  Living with a man who had a “secret dark side” as he himself described it to me in a letter from prison does horrible things to you.

And, so it was that I found myself sinking into that dark place of mistrust and grief this holiday weekend.  Thank God for family and friends who called me (not at all knowing how I was feeling).  They were my life-lines.  They pulled me back to a place of feeling somewhat normal – somewhat okay.  A place where I wasn’t so alone with my thoughts.  Sometimes that’s the only way to cope with the pain that’s left behind.

That being said, let’s pick up where we left off last week.  John’s office became his secret hideaway.  As I said, never had I been given the liberty to enter his office unannounced, and never, ever was I allowed to enter in the mornings, nor did I ever hold a key to his office the entire time we were married.  Looking back on this one thing, I can see how fully John controlled me.  I wasn’t “allowed” to enter his secret place.  How absurd is that?  Now I can see the control; then I didn’t.  

Note:  When a person is being abused, often they don’t understand the concept of control as being abuse.  You become conditioned to it, and after you get worn down emotionally, there is a feeling of defeat – no desire to fight back, and then there is a feeling of dependency on the abuser. The thought of making the simplest of decisions on your own isn’t in your realm of thinking.  Why?  Because the abuser has enforced this idea into your head in a million different ways:  “You cannot live without me.  You cannot think without me.  You cannot make decisions without me.”  And, so the victim stays and allows the abuse to continue.  There is a paralysis of sorts — a total feeling of helplessness and the inability to survive away from the abusive situation.

John was all-consumed in planning for this church New Year’s Eve party for kids. Continue reading →