Married to a Pedophile: We’re Off to Pennsylvania!

Posted on August 23, 2013 by Clara Hinton

The last post I wrote about did me in. It drained me. So many of you that I know personally ask me the question, “How do you do it? How do you keep it all together?”. Well, the honest answer is sometimes I don’t. Some weeks I go to work and work as long and as hard as I can to avoid alone time with my thoughts. It’s too painful to go there. This life that I’m now living — alone, and the father of my children in prison for the remainder of his days on this earth — is definitely not the life that I prayed about since I was a kid. It’s not the life I asked God to bless my children with — not even close to my prayers for them or for myself. And, yet the harsh reality of it all is that this is the life we now have. It’s up to me to learn how to pick up the broken pieces and go on with some kind of grace and strength. It’s up to me to try my best to keep it together for my kids and grandkids that I love with every ounce of my being. It’s up to me to love myself enough to build some kind of a life that can serve as an example to others who also are going through the fires of hell on this earth — and I am convinced there are many who suffer through horrible pain every day of their lives.

That being said, thank you so much for continuing on in this journey with me. What was it like? What was it like living with a man who was a practicing pedophile for almost forty years? How does it feel to know now what I didn’t know then? Continue reading →

Married to a Pedophile: The Missing Wedding Ring

Posted on July 25, 2013 by Clara Hinton

Thank you so much to all who have been faithfully following along with this blog, and a special thanks to those who continue to share this blog with others. As we learn and grow together about how to spot a pedophile in the grooming process before sexual molestation takes place we are taking some very real steps towards helping to save our children from a lifetime of heartache and struggles.

Please note that this continuing story is not written by a professional counselor or any such person that proclaims to have a degree in sexual molestation behavioral therapy. I am a woman who was married for almost forty years to a practicing pedophile and I didn’t know it. It is my heart’s passion to share with you the information I now know that were “red flags” that I should have recognized. It is my intent for you to learn from my experiences so that we can prevent pedophiles from committing their heinous crimes against children.

If you are new to this blog, please begin here. I’d like you to get the full story so that you can understand just how crafty pedophiles are. You might already be sucked right into this web of manipulation and maybe there is something here that is said that will click with you and empower you enough to stop the perpetrator in his tracks!

Let’s pick up where we left off last week. John and I were the proud parents of a baby girl. She was beautiful and so special. Even though John didn’t seem to have the social skills to know how to treat me he was very at home when with our baby daughter. He talked to her, he played with her, and he seemed so openly at ease with her. In fact, it didn’t take me long to feel a slight bit of jealousy of the attention he was able to shower on her with ease while he seemed to be cold, unfeeling, and emotionless when around me.

My world seemed upside down in so many ways. The man I loved was so affectionate and different with others — outgoing, happy, talkative — when around children and his church friends, but when he was around me he was withdrawn, gloomy, and out of touch. You have no idea how many times I tried to greet him at the door with a hug — a simple hug — only to have him say, “Please don’t touch me like that! I don’t like that. It gives me a weird feeling like I can feel my blood being squeezed through my veins.”

I have no idea what that was all about, but after trying time and time again, I finally backed off and learned John wasn’t a hugger — except with children. He literally pushed me aside and would remove my hands from attempting to give him a hug. How degrading! How humiliating to continuously be shoved aside!

Even more odd to me was the way John showered attention and affection on kids at church. My goodness! There was no holding him back. He tickled, he squeezed, he picked up and twirled kids around, and he loved rough-housing with them!

NOTE: It’s normal for adults to interact with children, but there are safe boundaries. If you see someone moving beyond the normal boundaries using unusual touching, extra close hugging, propping children up on their shoulders, or rolling on the floor using tickling techniques consider these all red flags!!!

I’ll give you a prime example of what I’m talking about. John was now well established with the church as their fill-in youth pastor, and soon-to-be full-time youth pastor. The kids loved him. He was fun! He was full of jokes, and he was always coming up with new, creative games for them to play — all in the name of “church youth activities” to keep the youth group active and alive. The more fun they had, the more they wanted to go to church. That made their parents happy, and they would host youth parties, and allow John to take the kids on special youth outings. *NOTE: Can you see how easy it is for pedophiles to work their way into the “trust” of parents at church?

John often brought kids home with him to hang out and have fun. He seemed to have a knack for finding the shy kids, and one boy in particular that I remember was an asthmatic who didn’t have many friends at all at church. In fact, he was a rather thin, very short boy for his age who was pretty much a loner. John was his hero.

One Saturday afternoon during the summer John went to the church building while I was giving our baby daughter a stroller ride. The next thing I knew, I saw him driving up to the apartment with this boy in tow. As I walked to the apartment John announced (he never asked — always “told” me), “Hey, Tom’s gonna spend the afternoon with me. We’re gonna practice playing ball and we’re just gonna hang out for the afternoon.”

“Fine”, I thought. But, really it wasn’t fine. It would have been nice to spend a fun afternoon together — just the three of us. John never seemed to have time for “family” — it was always the church first! This youth pastor stuff was driving me nuts. He practically lived at that church building. If he wasn’t there he was “hanging out” with kids from church having fun. “Hey, that’s what the parents want me to do. That’s my job. I need to make church fun for these kids.”

So, this boy and John went into the yard that was part of our rental. Since the windows were open I could hear the loud laughter and squeals coming from outside, so I went to the window and just stood in shock. Here’s this man who nearly plays dead when he’s near me and who pushes me away because he doesn’t want to be touched. And, what do I see? He was on the ground, rolling around, tickling this boy, grabbing him from behind and lifting him up onto John’s stomach (very, very weird to me). And, John got him in some kind of arm lock and had this kid tight up against him and they did rolls all across the yard! There I stood watching this craziness from the window all the while thinking, “This is not tossing a ball. This is a big bunch of nonsense!”

In looking back, I can now see the huge red flags all over the place. I know that John’s “preference” at stated in his investigation and conviction was “young girls”, but I have no doubt in my mind that he did his fair share with little boys, too. This is not uncommon for pedophiles to experiment with both sexes until they find the “sex of choice.”

During those hours of horse-play two things happened. That boy had a severe asthma attack and I had to get his mom on the phone and ask what we were to do. He literally couldn’t breathe and he didn’t have his asthma inhaler with him. She was furious! Absolutely furious as she said she had given her son explicit instructions he was to be kept quiet and to stay inside. The Oklahoma heat was detrimental to his asthma.

The second thing that happened was John lost his wedding ring that afternoon. That’s how much rough housing was being done! I’m talking about more than two hours of tickling, rolling together in the grass, tossing this kid around, lifting him up and down, grabbing and holding him until he was so sick that he had to be given a special treatment at the hospital to get air in his passageway.

Life was very fuzzy for me at that time. Fuzzy in the sense that nothing made sense. I saw a man I was married to who was like two different people. He was the glum, quiet, man who ate and slept at home, but rarely contributed to any conversation except to answer in “yes” or “no” words to my attempts to get him to talk to me. His mind always seemed preoccupied with others. At this time in our married lives, his focus was that church youth group. I’ll be honest with you. I was sick of hearing, “I have to go spend time with the kids at church.” I often felt of the church youth group as his adulterous affair, and come to find out, I wasn’t off-base with that thinking!

The “other John” was this crazy, funny, comedian who entertained young teens and children with his jokes, who was loved and adored by the parents of these kids, and who always seemed to charm people. He wasn’t shy or quiet at all when in this type of group situation and it truly baffled me.

NOTE: John did not feel at all bad or apologetic about the boy getting the asthma attack. In fact, he told the mother, “I told him he needed to calm down, but he was too excited. He should have known better.” The mother ended up yelling long and hard at her son. The son just looked at John and never said a word. He had already been groomed enough to not speak up. He craved the attention and affection of John. There was no dad in this home, so the mom was more than willing for John to serve as the male role model in her son’s life.

John did not at all feel bad about losing his wedding band. It would be two years until he replaced it — only because I kept after him. I was a newlywed, for Pete’s sake, and I wanted others to know we were married! I searched on my hands and knees outside for hours trying to find his ring. It was the sentiment that meant the most to me. That was the ring I placed on his finger the day we were married. The emotional loss meant nothing to him. A few years later he went to JC Penney’s to purchase a cheap band in order to keep me quiet. Again, I felt like our marriage was low on this list of his priorities. The more he pushed me away and the more he diminished the importance of our lives together, the more I focused my attention on our daughter. She always had a smile for me. She loved to be hugged. She filled in the gaps for the emotional bonding I was not getting with my husband. Not healthy for any relationship, by any means!

So, what does all of this mean in terms of how to identify a child molester? Where are the red flags?

There are many! John had an almost “giddiness” about spending time with the young kids from church. He neglected his wife and daughter in order to spend time away with others. This is a huge red flag! His priority should have been at home!

He was two different personalities — outgoing, fun, the life of the party with those he was trying to impress (in this case, this was his “grooming” time). At home he was distant, did not talk, private, and very unaffectionate. This drove me about crazy! It made me feel once again like an “ugly, unattractive, wife.” Often, he looked at me with a look that I could only call disgust. Sadly, I spent many hours sitting at home crying as I held our baby close. She was my only comfort at this time.

John thrived on being a hero to others! Beware of this!!! A husband should be a hero-type to his wife first. All others (except God) should come second. This was never the case in our marriage.

His tickling, touching, and game playing went well beyond normal boundaries with children. Again, stand back and watch for this because it is a big clue that is often overlooked! There are right and wrong ways of interacting with children. A pedophile’s hands are quick! They have studied long and hard how to touch in erogenous zones in order to arouse the child without the child knowing. Later on this “touching technique” will be used to proceed ahead to further sexual stimulation while making the child feel responsible and guilty. This one thing causes life-long problems for victims of sexual molestation — being groomed to feel that they are responsible for this sexual exploitation and molestation.

Our married life was broken. I felt alone. We were not communicating. John was distant. He had a quiet, controlling way of making me feel belittled and ashamed that I wasn’t the wife I should have been. I was wrecked — “damaged” as he often called me. A term I would learn was part of a pedophile’s vocabulary. He often reminded me that I came from a broken, dysfunctional family and I didn’t know a good relationship from a bad one. There were days I felt like I was crazy. And, that is just how he wanted it!

Next week we will talk about his job — the mystery of the “elder’s meeting” and the lies that were told to me!

Thank you so much for following along. Often, we really do feel crazy for questioning the motives of others, but I can’t repeat it enough. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Pay attention to your gut feelings!

Emotional abuse is very intentional, and it cripples your ability to think and to take action. Once you’re caught in this horrible web of intentional abuse, it’s so hard to find the strength to get out — and that’s just what the pedophile is counting on! The weaker you get, the stronger the pedophile gets!!

Let’s be smarter! Let’s get educated! Let’s look for those red flags! Let’s speak out loudly! For the sake of the children, let’s stop these molesters in their tracks!

Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing this blog with others. Thank you for caring enough to get educated! For our children, we must stop child molesters in the grooming stage — before they reach our children! And, that means being smarter than they are. Together we can do it!

Love,

Clara

Married to a Pedophile: And Baby Makes Three!!!

Posted on July 17, 2013 by Clara Hinton

Thanks so much for continuing to read this unfolding story of what it was like to unknowingly be married to a pedophile for almost forty years. As I’m digging back through the journals of my mind, I can’t help but think about all of the red flags, the questions, and the strange things that went on in our marriage. But, still — I remind myself that at the time those things meant nothing because I wasn’t equipped with the knowledge to know how to pick up on any of the waving flags in front of me.

And, that’s why we have this blog — to make sure that you are educated so that you can be aware of the way pedophiles work and ultimately so that you can protect the children — all children! Every child deserves to grow up in a world without fear of molestation!

If you are new to this blog, I’d suggest you begin at the very beginning. This is quick reading and it won’t take you long to catch up.

Last week we left off with New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Moving forward, our baby’s due date was January 23. As things happened, I had a clinic appointment on Friday, January 22 at 11:00 in the morning. The physician that saw me said I wasn’t ready to deliver this baby and he estimated another two weeks, so John and I went back to our apartment on that sunny, brisk day in Oklahoma City and he announced that he was going to drive to the college (Oklahoma Christian College) to stop by and see some friends and to wash the car.

I’m not a whiny type of person, but being as pregnant as one can get and a bit afraid I begged him to stay home or let me go with him to wash the car. The college was twenty miles away, and that was back in the day before cell phones. Once a person was on the highway, that was it. No way of tracking them down.

“You’ll be just fine. You don’t need me here with you. I’m going to run out to the college, wash the car, and I’ll be back before you know it. Why don’t you take a nap?”

A nap sounded like a good idea to me. I really wasn’t feeling well at all. In fact, I didn’t eat a bite for lunch. I told John my back hurt so bad it felt like it was killing me. Back in the day, doctors didn’t talk openly about childbirth, and there was no internet access to search for information, so you were left sitting in the dark about a lot of things. And, I’ll be quite honest, I wasn’t really sure what was happening to my body. I had heard some pretty scary stories of women screaming in pain while having a baby, but other than that, I knew nothing. Isn’t that sad? I’m so glad we live in an age where information is available to us!

As John walked towards the steps to leave, I begged him to stay with me. I kept telling him I didn’t feel well, but he kept telling me he’d be back before I knew it. And, off he went. I watched from the kitchen window as he pulled out of the driveway of the apartment, and then I laid down to try to rest.

Note: Do you remember in a previous post where John said I looked ugly when I was pregnant? That thought kept coming back to me. “I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m not even me any more.” And, the tears started. I’m sure they were pregnancy-related tears, but none-the-less, I felt alone and miserable. I felt like an old house that had fallen apart and been wrecked and left desolate. It was a miserable feeling laying on that lumpy cot of a thing called a bed!

Then something happened…………something horrible. I felt the most uncomfortable squeezing pain I had ever felt in my life! I tried every which way to feel better, but nothing worked! “Oh, gosh! I wish John was here! Why did he have to go twenty miles away to wash the car today? Why did the car even need to be washed?”

I tried walking and couldn’t. The pain was horrible. I know you’re going to think this is crazy, but I got on all fours to try to relieve some of the pressure off of my back. It hurt so bad I can’t even tell you. I crawled to the phone, and called the college. I thought maybe someone could track down John for me, but that was a joke. No such thing was going to happen.

One hour….two hours….three hours…..by now I was hysterical with fear. Where was John? He knew I wasn’t feeling well when he left! Oh, here we go again! Alone!!!

It wasn’t until 5:30 that evening that John finally came strolling upstairs to find me crying and so afraid that this baby was ready to be born! My brain was in such a fog that I couldn’t think straight. All I knew was I was in major, continuous pain and I was never so glad to see John than I was at that moment!

“Where were you? What took almost five hours to stop in at the school and wash the car?” He looked at me with the most puzzled look — like I was crazy. It was a look as if to say, “Why would you ever question ME? What’s wrong with YOU? I don’t really owe you any explanation.” Throughout the years I learned to know that look quite well.

And, then John did something that still blows me away! He said he was hungry and was going to fix himself some supper. He was hungry?!? We were about to have a miracle — a baby — and he had been gone for close to five hours leaving me alone in labor and he was hungry?

John very slowly, carefully, and happily fixed himself one of the largest hamburgers I’ve ever seen in my life. I can still see him sitting at our old table in the kitchen shoving in that burger — barbecue sauce dripping down his face as he ate in silence. I was retching in pain by now, and he seemed oblivious to it all.

Alert: Pedophiles think about themselves first — always themselves first! Please remember that. You will not change their thinking!

I was in so much pain at this point that I felt faint. I kept asking him to get me to the hospital, and he said he would as soon as he was finished eating. Talk about control! Talk about selfishness!

Finally, at 8:00 p.m. we headed out to Oklahoma University Hospital. I was in so much pain that I thought I’d die along the way. John never seemed to bat an eye. His mind was elsewhere.

I won’t go into the details here, but after a long, hard, difficult night of labor, a doctor finally told me that they were going to give me a spinal and the baby would be a forceps delivery. This meant nothing to me — I had never heard the word “forceps” before. But, I knew one thing — if it meant ending the horrible, crushing back pain, I was all for it!

At 4:30 a.m., on Saturday, January 23 (right on the due date), our perfect little daughter entered this world! I cannot even begin to put into words what I felt! Honestly, I know that this little girl was a miracle! She was gorgeous — all 8 lbs. 7 oz. of her! I counted her little fingers and toes over and over again in complete awe!

John was never a man of many words and the same was true now at our baby’s birth. He didn’t kiss me. He didn’t say, “I love you.” Not once. He was happy, though. I could tell. For the first time in a long time, I could see that he was genuinely happy and proud to have this baby come join our lives. I felt like this was a new beginning for us — a wonderful addition to “us” that would maybe change things for the better.

Note: Don’t ever think that adding a baby to your family will make things better. If your relationship isn’t good prior to a baby, it will not be better after a baby. Babies require our time, our devotion, and our attention. They require our energy, our money, and our every resource.

I’ll be honest with you. I was so happy holding this baby that at times I felt like I couldn’t breathe. She was gorgeous. And, she needed me. Finally, somebody needed me and wanted to be with me. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t reject me. She loved me unconditionally. She was mine and I was hers, and I was happy!

So, what are the “red flags” here, you might be asking. It’s all about control. Living as a pedophile and a practicing child molester is all about control!

From the words of a pedophile in the book, “Conversations With a Pedophile”, Alan explains, “Manipulating was a way of life for me. It’s not the physical but the mental and emotional devastation that ultimately causes the greatest thrill for me. Normally it wasn’t too long before my current victim was ‘begging’ me. I enjoyed the begging…enjoyed what I was doing.”

Please read those words over and over again until they really sink in! I believe John left me alone while in labor because he enjoyed seeing me beg him to stay. I believe he enjoyed seeing me crawling in pain begging him to get me relief by taking me to the hospital. He was in charge! I believe he enjoyed taking his time eating while I was in labor begging him to get me help. He was the one calling the shots, and he enjoyed it!

Next week, we will uncover more of what goes on inside of a pedophile’s mind. Remember the pedophile is your neighbor. He’s your minister. He’s your teacher. He’s your policeman. He’s your gardener. He’s your friend. Yes, he could even be your husband! Pay attention to those inner nudgings — those red flags that something isn’t quite right! Those feelings usually hold true! If it doesn’t seem right, it usually isn’t!

Thanks for hanging in here with me as we learn more about the inner makings of a pedophile. For the protection of our children, we must be armed with good, solid information that will help us identify these predators and stop them in their tracks!

Thanks so much for your comments, your input, and the connection we are making. Together I believe we can make a difference. Together — for the sake of the children we must make a difference!

Love,

Clara

Married to a Pedophile: Our First New Year’s Eve

Posted on July 10, 2013 by Clara Hinton

A very warm welcome to those of you who are here. I appreciate the continued interest and response coming from so many people who are interested in keeping our children safe from child molesters. While I do not ever claim to be an expert on this topic, I do have years of experience with knowing how a pedophile plans and works so hard to groom, manipulate, and eventually molest children. Unknown to me until two years ago, I was married to a practicing pedophile. There were definitely “red flags” all throughout our marriage, but I didn’t have a clue what these indicators meant. The sole purpose of this blog is to educate you so that you can be aware of things to look out for that might be red flags that you’re seeing, too, so that we can keep our children safe. Education is the most powerful first step we can take against child predators!

If you are new to this blog, I suggest you begin by reading from the very beginning of my story.

Last week we took a bit of a break from the sequence of this story to interject some important information about a letter I recently received from John while he currently is serving time in prison. Most of you “got it” — you understood that even as a pedophile sits in prison aware that he is there because he has committed the most vile acts against a child, his mind is still on one thing: little children. In fact, as I shared with you, John was bold in his request for photos of little children, promising “not to have those naughty thoughts” because he has been forgiven and is now “free.” Hopefully and prayerfully, nobody will fall into this trap of manipulation that he continues to use. Please, do NOT send this man photos of any children to be exploited, shared, and used for self-stimulation and gratification!

Now, to continue on with our story, let’s pick up where we left off. Christmas was a disaster — lots of heartache and tears. But, I really believed that redemption would come with New Year’s Eve.

By this time, I was just days away from our first baby being born. In fact, our due date was January 23. As is true for almost every woman alive, I was looking forward to spending a wonderful New Year’s Eve with my husband. This was our very first time to bring in the New Year as a married couple so I planned a special Pennsylvania “good luck” meal — mashed potatoes, pork roast, and sauer kraut. I wanted to make this a super, extra special night for John to remember! Since we were living below poverty level at the time, I knew there wouldn’t be anything real festive, but….I thought it would be so much fun after our meal together to drive around Oklahoma City and look at the last of the Christmas lights and tinsel and simply enjoy spending some time together talking about the coming year and the addition of our baby. You have no idea how happy just the thought of spending this time together meant to me!

Two nights before New Year’s eve John hit me with the news. “Dear, I have to tell you something and you’re probably not going to be happy.” *Note: I hated to be called “Dear” — I don’t know why, but I didn’t like it. Maybe it’s because I knew it almost always was followed by some sort of bad news.

“There’s going to be a big New Year’s Eve party for the teens at church. I’ve been working on the plans for this party for several weeks now, and I think it’s best if you don’t go. It’s going to be all night long, and your back will be killing you. You won’t feel good and I won’t have time to run you home and then go back to the party.”

Honestly, I can still remember when John had “the talk” with me un-inviting me to spend New Year’s Eve with him. I know what dress I had on, and I can tell you where I was standing in the tiny kitchen when he threw that dart ever so swiftly at me.

“What do you mean? Why can’t I be with you? I want to spend New Year’s Eve with YOU!!! This is our first one together, and I don’t want to sit here in this apartment by myself. Please can’t I go?”

I feel humiliated telling this story. I really do. Somehow it makes me feel so unattractive and repulsive. I’m actually sweating and I can feel my heart racing as I’m writing this. It’s a horrible feeling to know this kind of rejection.

John didn’t flinch. “I told you that you can’t go. I have too many games planned and it’s my job to keep things going at this youth activity. It’s my job as youth minister. You know that. I can’t be babysitting you and taking care of the party, too.”

I was quickly learning not to fight the inevitable. John was a quiet man — very rarely in all of our forty years together did I ever hear him raise his voice. But, he was immovable in what he said. Once he said he was doing something, there was no changing his mind. I learned that very quickly in this first year of marriage.

There would be no need to make the pork roast and sauer kraut. John wouldn’t be home. He was eating with the church kids. There would be no driving around the city to see the lights. There would be no wearing the dime-store party hat on New Year’s Eve. Instead, I would be spending this first New Year’s Eve alone.

It’s embarrassing to say this, but I went to bed crying that night. Instead of fighting back, I whimpered like a dog that had been kicked in the gut and sent outside for being a bad dog. There were no hugs from John. No apologies. No saying he’d make it up to me. A saying I used over and over in my life was true, “It is what it is.” He would be leaving me home on our first New Year’s Eve.

All day December 31, I kept hoping and praying that John would change his mind. Better yet, I kept praying that somehow he was teasing me. I don’t know why I always thought that way — a coping mechanism for heartbreak, I guess. I got dressed that day and put on a fake happy face hoping beyond all hope that sometime during the day he’d say, “I was only kidding. You know that. How in the world could I ever leave you home alone on New Year’s Eve?”

But, that moment never came. Instead, he spent hours in the locked bathroom (his usual habit that I finally accepted) with the “party planning book” and his notebook of games they were going to play. He got all spiffed up, put on extra cologne (he used Old Spice — funny how I can still remember the smell), and clipped his finger nails. Isn’t it strange how much we can remember when we’ve either experienced a life-changing wonderful moment or a moment of trauma that has been imprinted forever in our subconscious?

I held back the tears….I fought so hard to hold back the tears as John drove away for the party. I watched from the upstairs apartment window, waving good-bye, and then running to the bedroom where I buried my face in a pillow and sobbed through the entire night!

I remember sobbing so hard that I thought I’d go into labor. I remember thinking, “I didn’t even get a phone number of where he’ll be if I need him.” I remember not even having the strength or desire to turn on the TV to watch New Year’s Eve celebrations across the country. I wanted one thing — to be with my husband. That’s all. I just wanted to be near him. I would have been happy to just sit in the same room where he was, and he knew it. Instead, he pushed me away and made me feel ugly, disgusting, and worthless.

I kept getting up to use the bathroom — my bladder was not in the best shape due to being so pregnant. At one point Vashti (one of the sisters that lived beneath us) called up the steps, “Are you okay, Mrs. Hinton?” I know that she heard me crying (okay, sobbing — loudly!), and the toilet kept flushing. I walked to the steps and just said, “I’m okay. Thanks for asking.” I’m sure that Vashti and her sister wondered the same as I was wondering. Why was I left home alone on New Year’s Eve?

I’ve thought long and hard over the years about that one question. Why would any husband do this to his wife? Why would a Christian husband to this to his wife? Why would a newly married man do this to his wife? Why would a decent human being (even if just friends) do this to anyone?

As I’ve studied more about the minds of pedophiles, I’ve learned that “control” and “manipulation” are their driving forces. It’s not initially about the sex, although that comes into play later on (terrifyingly so). But, initially, it’s about control. A mad, almost savage need to be in total control. And, I now better understand why John treated me the way he did. He had total control without ever raising his voice or his hand. He could never be labeled a “wife abuser” by anyone in the outside world because he never did anything that even came close to looking like abuse. And, in fact, I was made to feel rather crazy. I was confused. I couldn’t understand what I had done to “deserve” being treated this way. Just as a child often wonders why a parent pushed aside a child — I was that child. I didn’t understand why I was being pushed away. What I have come to understand now is that I was being purposefully mistreated. I was being crushed in spirit. I was being belittled. I was being manipulated. And, my abuser (John) was seeing just how far he could go before I would tell.

Much to his delight I never told. Just as the abused children very rarely ever tell. I was forced into such a broken, confused state of being that I would never tell. I craved his love and blamed myself for not getting it. Can you understand a bit more why little children who have been molested never tell? Can you imagine how confused their young minds are?

What did John do that New Year’s Eve? I don’t know. I know he put on quite a show for the teens at church. He was the center of attention, so I heard in church on Sunday. He was a comic. I heard the teens saying he was the funniest guy they ever met! He planned all kinds of fun games. He ate great food. He was happy to tell me of all of the good food he ate! And, he planned a wonderful midnight devotional where several kids from the youth group gave their lives to Christ. From what others could see, John was one amazing young man!

However, while John was being a “Christian” and converting others, I was at home alone begging and pleading God to somehow teach me how to become a better wife so that my husband would love me.

REMEMBER THIS: Child molesters know what they are doing! They hurt on purpose. They do not care. They lie. They cheat. They will steal your heart and tramp on it. They will take the innocence away from a small child and feel jubilant over their success! And, they groom and manipulate adults prior to grooming and manipulating the children. Why? So that they are never suspected of such heinous wrong doing!

I will close this by saying that John came home about 2:30 a.m. New Year’s Day. I was wide awake waiting for him. I pretended to be so happy that “his party” was such a success. He had to know how much I was broken because there was no hiding my swollen eyes that had been crying all night. And, any person with an ounce of common sense or a shred or love would never have left his wife home alone on New Year’s Eve. He was happy. Another notch of victory for John!

Next week we will talk about the arrival of our first child. Until then, please read the words I’ve written carefully. Read them again and again until it sinks in as to how demeaning a pedophile is. Read these words and understand how calculated every action of a child molester is. Nothing is done randomly. Every action is well thought out — planned ahead with much thought. Do you see yourself in such a situation? If so — RUN as fast as you can and if you have children take them with you!!!

If you are the victim of any abuse, learn the strategies of these abusers and don’t allow yourself to be beaten down ever again! Pedophiles are on a power trip and they use their power to beat others down emotionally. They use children for their sexual and emotional gratification. And, by so doing, they cause a lifetime of terror and pain for these children!

For the children — let’s get smarter and stop this abuse now!

Thank you for reading. And, thank you so very much for caring. Together we can get educated about pedophiles and the way their minds work so that we can stop them in their tracks well before they reach our children. Our children deserve a carefree, innocent childhood! Every child deserves to be treated respectually and with love! Help me in this mission to educate! Spread the word. Be on the lookout. Speak out when you suspect any kind of abuse. And, please hold your children just a bit closer to you every day and tell them how much you love them. They are precious and they depend on us to take care of them. Let’s get educated and empowered — for the children!

Love,

Clara

PS John’s case was said to be one of the most “complicated cases” of child molestation in a long time. To this day, I do not know if he also abused older children. He said his “favored age” was young, prepubescent girls, but I know for a fact that he also molested older girls. I’ll never know for sure how wide the net of his molestation went, but that’s not the purpose of this blog. The purpose of this is to educate you of the cunning ways of pedophiles and how they also groom adults into thinking they are wonderful people. John, to this day, is a wonderful person to many. Hardly a week goes by that I don’t get a call or an email saying, “I know John did this stuff, BUT — he was so good to me and my family. He will always be a pillar of strength to me.” That’s manipulation at its best!

As always, I welcome your comments!

Married to a Pedophile: Weird Behavior

Posted on June 22, 2013 by Clara Hinton

If you’re new to this blog, I’d like to say “welcome” and I’m glad you have found this place of education and hopefully some healing. This is my story of what it was like being married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years — without knowing it! There were red flags — things that I should have picked up on — but I didn’t know anything about pedophilia. So, out of my painful experience I hope to bring about some good by educating others so that this wave of child molestation can be stopped!

If you’re new to this blog, I suggest you begin reading at the beginning.

Let’s pick up where we left off last week. John’s behavior was becoming more and more odd to me as the weeks passed by. He was so very different to others than he was to me. Put him in a mix with his beloved church people and he was the clown, the jokester, the laughing person, and the one with endless energy. Put him home with me, and I hate to use this word, but he was a deadbeat. It was like there was no life in him. I had to pick and pry to get a simple sentence out of him. “How was your day?” “Good.” “What did you do?” “Nothing much.” “Are you hungry for anything special?” “Not really. Anything you fix will be good.”

Honestly, it was like he had a split personality — and I often cried myself to sleep because of this. As a newlywed, I felt like very early on my husband was no longer interested in me, and that’s a horrible feeling.

To add insult to injury, he purposefully avoided me by his schedule that was so strange. Very, very strange. He got up religiously at 4:00 a.m (as I mentioned in last week’s blog), which is fine, I guess. A lot of people like to get up real early. But, the hurtful thing was that he said he had to get up to “study” and not only did I not have a clue what he was studying, BUT he would continue with his “studying” in the bathroom a minimum of two hours every morning, and most evenings at least two hours. With the door locked. That’s just plain weird for a newly married couple!

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this over the years, and this should have been a huge red flag. This “secrecy in the bathroom” was always baffling to me. What in heaven’s name does anyone do in a bathroom for two solid hours at a clip two times a day every day?!?!?

His answer was simple: “I’m studying. I like my private time. That’s my time on the throne and that’s where I can do a lot of my thinking.”

Okay — so you’re up at 4:00 a.m. and study from 4:00 to 6:00, then you eat a bit of breakfast, then you go lock yourself in the bathroom for two more hours from 6:30 – 8:30 and study more? NOTE: If something doesn’t seem right, it probably isn’t! Much later on I would find that John used this time many days as his “list making time” — his time to go over and over all of the details of his day — which included his masterful studying of the female mind, what makes young girls attracted to men, and how to read body language. (I found countless books in his private library on these topics!)

Pay attention! If you live with someone being “secretive” in their daily routine, beware! There is a reason for this! If you are living with someone who loses interest in you, but is totally, completely fascinated with others, then you have a real problem on your hands! Yes, I had a real problem! I was living with the “fun John” and the “secret John” and I didn’t know what to think of this! None of this made sense to me at the time, but later on in years to come it would become more and more of a problem in the marriage, and once the real John was known, it all made perfect sense. John was consumed with studying others. Learning about them. Watching their every move. He didn’t need to pay attention to me. I was his. I married him. I was carrying his baby, for Pete’s sake! He knew I wasn’t going anywhere! Besides, I wasn’t the topic of his thoughts — unknown to me at the time little children were his focus!

I’m going to interject something here because I know it’s a question that you have. Many have asked me — others have hinted that they wanted to know. Yes, pedophiles do have sex with their wives/adult women, although their fascination is with a child’s prepubescent body. I’ll be very honest here because I think it will shed some light on what John was doing in his “private time.” If I didn’t initiate sex, we didn’t have it. And, many, many times, he’d turn his back to me and flat-out say “no.” Period. End of discussion. He also said something I’ve never forgotten because it hurt me clear to the core of my soul.

“I can’t stand looking at you when you’re pregnant. It gives me the creeps. I think pregnant bodies are ugly.” Yes, he used the harsh, hurtful word “UGLY” and it made me feel lower than dirt. My own husband didn’t want to look at me because I was “ugly” — and he maintained that stand all through our married lives. Of course it makes perfect sense to me now! He loved looking at little girls’ bodies. At the time, I curled up in a ball at night and cried myself to sleep. (Later on, I wouldn’t give him the chance to hurt me that way. I stopped initiating sex and that part of our relationship came to a near halt. Yes, I did have eleven children, but even the doctor commented, “You’d get pregnant if a man sneezed on you!” )

NOTE: If your husband loses interest in sex — especially when you are wanting that part of your relationship to thrive and be enjoyed — there is something very, very wrong!

I felt that this was something that needed to be addressed because lack of an intimate relationship became a huge barrier in years to come. Little did I know that John was getting his fulfillment from little girls (by his own admission). Pedophiles also stimulate themselves and I had the terrible experience of seeing John do this many years down the road. I was shocked, I was hurt, I was confused, but I kept quiet. I thought maybe that’s what all guys did — married or not. I wanted to be the only one to satisfy his needs, but that wasn’t going to happy. Not in the first year of marriage. Not ever!

More strange stuff! John was still a “volunteer” at the church waiting to take the place of Jim as the full-time youth minister in an “unpaid” position. I was a nervous wreck because we weren’t cutting it on my salary. So, I begged, pleaded, encouraged, and sobbed, “Please get a part-time job. We really, really need the money.”

One evening, he surprised me with the news, “I have a job! You’re never going to believe this, but I found some part-time work at the cemetery.” (Yes, it was the same one where he stole the flowers for my table setting.)

Okay, I’m not picky. A job is a job. And, we needed the money. He was going to help with the landscaping, as well as help cover the caskets after a burial. John loved this job! In fact, he was giddy over it! The reason? He made best friends with a guy named, “Salt.” Salt was an old man who lived in a shack with his little seven year-old-grandson who used to run around the house naked. How do I know this? Because John would get home from work, fill up the bathtub, soak in the tub for his two hours and hee-haw on the phone with Salt and his little grandson while in the bathroom.

I was getting sick of being treated like a piece of furniture or a lamp-post — something to sit on or lean on for convenience. I threatened to pull the plug on the phone if he didn’t stop with that nonsense. It never stopped! He visited Salt on weekends, and played with the little boy. Although he said under oath that his preference was little girls, I do believe he at least experimented with little boys. (His investigation brought out evidence of the same!)

Note: It’s not normal to toss aside your new bride for a relationship with a 70-year-old man and a little boy! Yes, I was jealous and so hurt, but it did no good! Salt won out over me every time! I never met Salt, I didn’t want to meet Salt, but I do have pictures of him. John could talk endlessly with Salt. With me, I got nothing more than a grunt.

Caution: If an adult relates better to little children than with adults beware! In this case, I do believe John was getting some thrills from Salt’s grandson. I think there was a thrill in hearing about this boy running around naked and using vulgar language to describe it. I could hear John talking, but it was so confusing to me. With me, he NEVER talked any kind of sex talk. But, he sure could with Salt!

One more thing before we close today. Pedophiles are known to make detailed lists about everything. John fits this to a “T”! Very rarely was there a day in our near forty years together that he didn’t leave me a list on the kitchen table. “Get groceries at the Piggly Wiggly, aisle 5, near the back, towards the top, left side — you’ll find the baked beans.” I’m not kidding one bit about this. It would take forever to read his lists, and it made me feel like a little girl with no brains when he did that. I think I have the know-how to find the baked beans in the store!

Please pay careful attention to the list making part! This is a biggie, and I didn’t know it. Everything John did revolved around lists! Everything! He planned detailed kids’ parties with lists. He planned visits to people with lists. He planned everything and anything with lists. Always, always he had his pockets stuffed, his car, his bible, stuffed with very detailed lists.

Pedophiles make lists. They will plan details about winning over adults so that they can molest a child using lists. They will use list making to write down every detail so that nothing is left out. A great book enlightening me on this (since John’s conviction) was “Not With My Child.” Honestly, it was like a blaring red flag being waved at me! All of our lives lists dominated our daily living. Lists about stupid stuff. Endless details. Now it makes sense! It takes a lot of detailed planning to win over the trust of adults so that eventually there comes the climactic thrill of molesting their child!

Individually, none of this “odd behavior” is too crazy. It’s hurtful. It is neglectful. But nothing so far is more than “odd.” Odd. Very, very odd. Certainly not enough to go running to others about. But, it was enough to make for a very sad, very broken relationship which began forming early on.

I felt lost. I felt alone. I felt confused. I felt betrayed. I felt ugly. And, I now feel like our entire marriage was a big, fat lie. I feel like my life as a wife was a joke. I feel like I was used as a ploy — a decoy. I’m finally getting answers after all of those years, and that part feels good. What doesn’t feel good is knowing that while I tried everything I could to be a better wife, it didn’t matter. A better wife isn’t what John wanted. He wanted to fulfil his growing appetite for manipulation, pornography, and the ultimate thrill of winning a parent and child’s trust enough to molest that child — and keep that child from ever telling!!!!!

Please stick with me through this series on my life with a pedophile. Next week we will talk about more red flags — the red flags that went up in church. BIG red flags! Keep in mind, churches are known as “playgrounds for pedophiles” and such was true in John’s case.

Keep your eyes open. Stay alert. Watch people with odd behavior who target you or your children. Don’t allow yourself to be swept away by someone’s overkill of kindness — especially if it’s making you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable. If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t!

Pedophiles are cunning. They are smart. They study body language. They study people. They make lists. They never rush with their plan to molest a child. It’s time for us to smarten up and get educated enough to spot them BEFORE they can draw children and adults into their evil snare of manipulation.

For the children, let’s get educated!

Your comments are always appreciated!

Clara

PS My sister lived with us through the end of that summer. John continued with his church teen parties, the cemetery work, and spending countless hours at the church building (if that’s where he really was). Our relationship was never right from the very beginning.

Finding A Healing Place

Tag Archives: child molestation

Married to a Pedophile: We’re Off to Pennsylvania!

Married to a Pedophile: The Missing Wedding Ring

Married to a Pedophile: And Baby Makes Three!!!

Married to a Pedophile: Our First New Year’s Eve

Married to a Pedophile: Weird Behavior