The last post I wrote about did me in. It drained me. So many of you that I know personally ask me the question, “How do you do it? How do you keep it all together?”. Well, the honest answer is sometimes I don’t. Some weeks I go to work and work as long and as hard as I can to avoid alone time with my thoughts. It’s too painful to go there. This life that I’m now living — alone, and the father of my children in prison for the remainder of his days on this earth — is definitely not the life that I prayed about since I was a kid. It’s not the life I asked God to bless my children with — not even close to my prayers for them or for myself. And, yet the harsh reality of it all is that this is the life we now have. It’s up to me to learn how to pick up the broken pieces and go on with some kind of grace and strength. It’s up to me to try my best to keep it together for my kids and grandkids that I love with every ounce of my being. It’s up to me to love myself enough to build some kind of a life that can serve as an example to others who also are going through the fires of hell on this earth — and I am convinced there are many who suffer through horrible pain every day of their lives.
That being said, thank you so much for continuing on in this journey with me. What was it like? What was it like living with a man who was a practicing pedophile for almost forty years? How does it feel to know now what I didn’t know then?
Truthfully, sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot on face of this earth. I feel like I should have been so much smarter. I could kick myself for keeping so quiet for so long about issues within the marriage that should have been addressed but never were. And, then I stop and dig deeper into my thoughts and realize I kept quiet and tried to keep peace all in the name of trying my very, very best to be a Christian wife and mother. I’m working hard to move beyond the fact that I didn’t know what was going on, and I’m trying my best to share with you just how sneaky and how controlling a true pedophile is to everyone so that you will be a thousand times more alert than I was!
Let’s pick up where we left off the last time . John was called in by the elders and fired. One of the characteristic traits that I loved about John was his ability to remain calm. I grew up in an animated Italian family. We were never quiet even when we were trying to be quiet! By nature, I’m a person who talks (constantly) and who gets very into what I’m talking about. John, on the other hand, remained calm no matter what — a nice balance, I thought.
When he came to me with the news he was fired, I was flipping out. John, on the other hand, remained calm and said, “No problem. We’ll just get a job in the Northeast — closer to home — God’s country.” And, after just a few phone calls John was hired as a full-time preacher for a small country church in the mountains of Pennsylvania. John knew of some of the members there, and he worked his magic to get two friends from his home church to vouch that he was a really great person, and before I knew it we were Pennsylvania bound!
We moved bag and baggage on October 1, 1972. I was six months pregnant with baby number two at the time, so I didn’t know how I could drive across the country in our car while John drove the moving van. So, being the nonchalant kind of guy that he was, he came up with a brilliant idea! He rented a moving van that was the largest size they had and picture this — he drove the van up to our rented apartment, built a platform of plywood and drove our little car right into the back of the moving van!!! Mission accomplished! He was my hero!
One little problem — where in the world were we going to get the money to pay for this move? We had no money saved and the church cut off our pay immediately. Once again, no sweat. John took care of everything. He called his parents, he called people he knew, and he demanded that the church in Pennsylvania pay for one half of the moving cost. Guess what? No questions asked. Every person did what he wanted! When I tell you this man had no shame in asking, I’m not exaggerating! I was dying inside — embarrassed to say he was fired and we were broke. Not John. He had no trouble telling people that giving us moving money was the Christian thing to do!
Note: Pedophiles are liars and manipulators on every level. Playing people as puppets delights them. They are masters of deception and they know how to take total control. John was already a pro! And, the best part for him — not one person flinched when asked to contribute. He seemed to know just who to ask and how to ask. And, he was great at making a person feel guilty if they dared to say no.
I was petrified of this move. John, on the other hand was downright giddy. He was fearless. He already knew the area, and he obviously knew he was going to feel comfortable sliding right into the position of full-time preacher — something he promised me he’d never do! Never in a million years did I want to be a preacher’s wife!
I hesitate to use real names here, so I will not for the sake of privacy. But, an incident occurred the first night we arrived in Somerset that was very odd and still stands out in my mind as being so bizarre.
When we arrived in Somerset, the church parsonage where we were to live wasn’t quite ready for us. The people there had done some painting and repairs and they needed one more night to complete their work. So, a couple from that congregation invited us to stay at their home with them. I was just about dying. I was shy and didn’t want to stay with anyone on our first night there but John graciously accepted the invitation. So, off we went to stay with this couple who had one son around four years of age.
When we got to their tiny home, I was taken back by John’s behavior. He was on all fours crawling around with this boy, wrestling with him, tickling him, and calling him his best buddy! Keep in mind, we had never met before in our entire lives. Then, something happened that blows my mind!
It was bath time for this little boy, and he didn’t want to leave John. His parents were so enthralled with how quickly their “shy” son warmed up to John that when John offered to give him a bubble bath, they gladly obliged!!!
Are you getting the full impact of this????? We just met this family, and within the timeframe of just two hours John was bathing a little child he had never seen before in his life with the blessing of this child’s parents!
There is something very strange about this — it felt so “off” at the time it happened, and it feels even more crazy to say it now. It’s hard to believe. It’s really hard for me to go back in my thoughts. But, it happened! John gave this boy a bubble bath ALONE in the bathroom and he just met this child!
It was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! But, it was done right in front of this child’s parents and in front of John’s wife (me). And, no….our daughter did NOT get a bath that night. John was too involved bathing another child!
BEWARE: This is not normal behavior! Don’t get sucked up into thinking it’s all okay because it’s not! Don’t ever allow your naked child to go into a room alone with a stranger! Even if the stranger is a preacher, don’t allow it! Do you see the way John took control of this situation immediately? He had those parents eating out of his hands. And, this child — I shudder to think of what happened as John ran the washcloth over him and took his hands to wash him and dry him as they were alone in the bathroom. I’m shaking as I’m repeating this incident because scenes like this happened over and over in the course of our years together and nobody batted an eye! Why? John was trusted. He seemed kind and caring, and he always said he wanted to help! He especially loved giving parents a break from the hard work of parenting. And, parents loved him for it! What a way to work his way right into the role of molesting!
Think about this scene. Replay it over and over in your mind until it really sinks in. Do I think John did inappropriate things to that little boy that evening? I’d bet my life on it! I know that he did! How do I know? Read some of the suggested writings on the resources page of this site and come to your own conclusion. This is what pedophiles do! They thrive on this type of behavior!!!
It’s time to smarten up! Pedophiles have made fools of us! We’ve given them free rein for years. Children have been used and abused right in front of us! And, most often with our innocent, naive blessings!
Pedophiles are conniving, manipulating, deceitful liars who work hard to harm our children. It’s time for us to open our eyes wide and stop this horrendous cycle of abuse!!!
Thank you so much for reading and for promising yourself that you will be part of the solution to these vile acts against our children. Next week, we will discuss our first weeks with our new church family. I shudder as I think back………
Pray for the children. Pray for all of us who want this emotional and physical abuse to stop! Together we can and we must do it! For the sake of all children, we must do it! No precious child should ever be violated by an anyone — ever! Please help get this information out to all parents. Please let’s stop pedophiles in their tracks before they can do any harm to our innocent children!
My love to each of you,
Clara
Clara, thank you for opening your heart. Shortly after my husband and I married in 1971, we worked with a congregation of good people, but there was something amiss about the way the former preacher left. When my husband asked the elders why the congregation did not know why he left, they laughed, looked at each other, and said he’d made a mistake and couldn’t stay, but they were able to write a letter of recommendation that “covered up his sin.” He was only 200 miles away, and members continued to go up to his new congregation on Sundays “because he was so good with young people.” They took their children to the summer camp he recommended and worked with. We were “green”…never suspected a thing…and just figured they really liked him. We stayed 15 months and left when an opportunity arose to get closer to family. The week before we left an older woman called me and told me what she knew (she learned it at the beauty shop!), because she realized the mystery within the congregation had created difficult times for us. He had approached some of the pre-teen girls, and although I really did not know what a pedophile was…not sure I even knew the word back then…I remember being very angry at the elders, because their lack of leadership in that matter had affected the work we did. When my husband asked the elders if it was true, they were less concerned about the former preacher’s actions than how my husband found out! I’m sharing this, because the actions of any preacher affects the man in the pulpit who follows him, and if integrity is not there, it has a ripple effect that may continue for years.
I am so glad that you’ve shared this! And, there is a key phrase you used — “lack of leadership” — that sadly continues to go on today. It’s much, much easier to send somebody away and not deal with it, then it is to deal with the problem. And, add to this, there is great confusion and a lack of knowledge when it comes to dealing with pedophila within the churches. We have so much work to do. The ripple effect does indeed go on and on and on. We’re on the right track, but it’s going to take time to set up programs within our churches as well as strict accountability (which is needed when dealing with pedophiles). Again, thank you so much for sharing this!
I just found your website today and read through most of it. Thank you for taking the time to expose your secrets. All I could think when I read it was “Now I understand !!” I dated and was engaged to a man who acted just like your husband. That was over 25 years ago but I still had thought of “if only I had acted more mature ” our relationship might have been better. Now I can see how I was being groomed to “keep quiet” and accept being controlled. When the man who I married started calling me the first thing I did was call his sister in law (who I had gone to high school with) asking “what kind of man is he?” included in those questions was “do you trust him with your kids?” In fact sometimes I tell that story as a test to see how clued in people are . If they look at me like ” why would you ever think of asking such a question ” I know they are someone that needs to be “enlightened ” about what can happen not just to small children but also to adults. I also appreciate your honesty because it shows clearly the answer to “why didnt they know ?” and”Why didnt they just leave?”
Bless you for coming out and speaking about this horrendous experience you’ve had. My father is a child molester and is free to hurt other children right now if he chose to, so I can feel your pain. Please know that by sharing your story you are not only healing others, but also yourself from your own grief and loss.
When I was 18 I had my first boyfriend. I never had a boyfriend before, and even something made me feel VERY uncomfortable around him, I put up with him for nearly three years, because my mother just loved him! He’d flatter her, bring her flowers etc. and had her in his pocket entirely. She wanted me to marry him, and tried to get me to have sex with him many times, to get what she wanted (I didn’t cooperate, thank God).
At the time, I was home only for the summer, as during the school year I lived in an orphanage by the North Sea (I grew up in Germany) and going to school from there, because of severe asthma.
I didn’t know that my second youngest brother (7 years my junior) spent some time in the hospital with severe bowel problems while I was gone….. nobody told me.
Eventually I couldn’t stand the guy any more……. he seemed slimy and dishonest and outright creepy…. the longer I knew him, the less I liked him. When I gave him back his ring and told him not to come back, my mother would STILL invite him to our house, and tried to get my sister to go out with him! She told me she just shuddered at the idea and refused.
Fast forward 20 years. In the meantime I had married a Canadian (an abuser, too…….. I didn’t know what it was like not to be emotionally abused, I thought it was normal), and was visiting my family in Germany in 1994. And my younger brother asked to speak to me privately. He asked me what years U. was my boyfriend, and I told him.
He said that those three years had been missing from his memory for twenty years, and the memories were just starting to all come back. I was horrified when he told me what had happened.
U. would regularly ask my MOTHER (not him) if it was okay to take him for a ride on his motorbike……….. he thought it would be fun! And my mother, without consulting my brother (which is the way she’d always do things…. she’d agree we would do things, and then forced us to do them), would always give her permission.
Then U. would take my little brother on his motorbike to the woods, and rape him. And afterwards, he would tell him that if he told anybody, he would kill him! This went on for nearly three years, and nobody knew. It makes me sick to even think about it. It also makes me feel guilty that I got tangled up with this no good peace of crap, and didn’t get rid of him sooner than I did.
No wonder my brother ended up so messed up! He has mental health issues, can’t keep a marriage together (he’s had two failed marriages) and I don’t think he ever recovered.
My mother never knew what she did, because she died before his memory came back.
This young man was only 18 or 19 at the time he did this to my brother. I heard years later he was involved in robberies, and who knows what else he was doing. He was a terrible person.
Hmm….after going through your articles and reading them…I am more convinced than ever that one of my brothers-in-law is a pediphile and am becoming more convinced that another is as well. SO glad that the one is out of our lives. And SO glad that God put it in my heart to be so very protective of my children.