How do you move on beyond a day like the most horrible Thanksgiving ever?  Truthfully, when you want to fight hard for your family, for the values you believe in, you sometimes just take the pain and move on.  And, that’s just what was done.  We went on and had Christmas with the entire family home.  But, it was much different this particular year.  It was quiet.  It was awkward.  It was lacking laughter and joy!  It was as though everyone was walking on eggshells not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, and not knowing what to expect.  One thing we knew — we didn’t want a repeat of our Thanksgiving!

That particular week of Christmas is mostly a blur to me.  As a way to cope, we can trick our minds into not remembering horrible pain and heartache, and that is just what we did.  We didn’t allow ourselves to feel much of anything for fear of experiencing that horrible pain and brokenness once again.

The winter months were lonely.  I worked long hours — in fact, most nights I stayed at work very late not wanting to go home.  At this point in our lives, I was still shut down emotionally with John.  In fact, I didn’t even want to sit at the dinner table with him.  We spoke very few words to each other.  And, it was miserable — terribly miserable    Continue reading →