Tag Archives: liars

Married to a Pedophile: “Getting Bolder by the Day!”

Posted on by

It’s difficult for me to imagine that so many others have lived a life very similar to mine!  I find solace in knowing that I’m not alone, but I also find deep heartbreak knowing that abuse is still happening.  It’s impossible for me to put into words how I feel about knowing for a fact that children continue to be sexually molested every day.  There are times when I can’t sleep at all because that thought haunts me every minute I’m alive.

If you are new to this blog, I suggest you start here.  This is quick reading, but I won’t promise you it will be easy reading.  But, if you are interested in knowing how to keep your children safe from sexual predators — most likely people who you know — then you have found the right place.

In my last post I mentioned how I was now separated from my husband.  And, when we separated he became even more of a shining star to his children, to his church, and to the community in which he was so well known.  However, as I had the opportunity to step back and really look at him, I was beginning to see more than just odd behavior.  I was seeing behavior that was bizarre and often frightening!   Continue reading →

Married to a Pedophile: The Night of the Break-In!

Posted on by

If you’ve been following along with my story, you know that by now John and I had been in a rocky marriage for a long time.  Actually, I take that back.  He thought it was a wonderful marriage.  I was the one who was constantly confused, upset, hurt, crying, disillusioned, and often felt like I was a bit on the crazy side.  He was a difficult man to figure out and by now I had all but quit trying!

This particular event I’m going to tell you about took place in the summer.  It was a warm, lovely Friday evening as I remember, and John had been away all week working insurance.  He was running on a super high as he had planned a weekend youth retreat for the church.  Those events always got him charged up.  He was like another person when he was around young people!  That’s when he lit up and came to life!

With me he was quiet, had nothing to say, and would literally fall asleep while I was trying to talk to him.  I honestly believed that the only reason he was married to me was to have someone to keep up with his laundry, take care of the kids, the bills, and all of the household chores, and to have a delicious home-cooked meal ready for him on those occasions when he was home.

Little by little our marriage was dying, and deep within my soul I knew it. Continue reading →

Married to a Pedophile: The Tentacles of a Child Molester

Posted on by

I have a headache tonight.  It’s caused by stress and heartache.  I know the feeling all-too-well by now.  It’s been over two years since he was arrested and put into prison.

If you are new to this blog, please begin here.  The reading is quick, but I will warn you that it is not easy.  This is my story of being married for almost forty years to a practicing pedophile without knowing it.

I’m straying from my normal chronological order of events and sharing a bit of what’s on my heart right now.  With Thanksgiving and Christmas approaching, so much new pain has surfaced that I feel it will be good for me to share.  Sometimes people just don’t understand how far-reaching the actions of a practicing pedophile really are!

The pain that flows through me tonight is not for me.  This pain — this horrible, aching hurt that is deep within my soul — is coming from the knowledge of how far-reaching the tentacles are of a man who molested children. This man who I shared my heart, mind, and soul with for almost forty years has left behind so much pain for so many people that at times it feels like my heart is going to explode.

Some say, “You can get over it. The children he molested will get over it. Life goes on.  He’s in prison now and everyone can rest easy knowing that justice has been served.”

If only it was that easy!

Sometimes I lay awake in bed at night thinking of all of the lives that have been hurt by this one man’s actions.  Every day I get emails — lots of emails — telling me of the pain.  Some are angered and want to see him face-to-face and tell him how much his actions have hurt them.  Others write and tell me they will never be the same — ever. They cry daily asking for relief from the pain.  Some have abandoned the very idea that God exists.  “How can we trust a God we cannot see when the man who taught us of God was living such a dark life of lies?”

question-mark

Who gets harmed by a man who molests children?  How far do the tentacles of a practicing pedophile reach?

1.  Children who were victimized — nightmares, horror, fear of the dark, mistrust, shame, guilt, betrayal, confusion, depression, night terrors (and this is just a wee bit of what it was like for these precious children)

2.  Church family — betrayed by their minister that they loved so much.  There is often a sickened taste left in the mouth for ministers.  If you can’t trust your minister, who can you trust?

3.  The families of the children who were harmed — Try to put yourself in the shoes of those parents.  Can you imagine the guilt for not protecting their children? Can you imagine how much it hurts that a person you loved and trusted is the very one who molested and abused your child?

4.  Friends — they thought they knew this man, but have been shattered by the fact that they were so fooled. They went hunting, fishing, camping together.  They shared stories and fireside chats.  They thought they knew him, but are being strangled by the tentacles of his lies and deceit.

5.  His children — there are no words that I can say to describe their brokenness.  This is the father they loved and adored so much.  He was not only their dad, but their spiritual leader — the man who baptized every one of them.  He was the one who took them hunting and played basketball with them.  He was there at all of the ballet recitals.  He was the one they respected and cherished.  The horror, the shame, the questions that these children have will go on until the end of time.  Why?  How?  Why this?  How could this be?  We didn’t see it.  And, then the flood of tears because they miss the father they have lost.   

6.  Business relationships — the banker, the postmaster, the insurance clients, the barber, the family doctor, the librarian, the Christian bookstore owner, the minister friends —  the thousands of people who dealt with him weekly are shattered.  I’m still getting phone calls saying, “I can’t believe this.  I just can’t believe this.”

7. The community — he volunteered at the prison, the food pantry, the hospital, homeless shelters, nursing homes — you name it, and he was there.  People have sobbed in front of me saying, “I’m shattered.  I don’t know how this is possible.”

And, finally, the woman who fell the hardest because she feels so responsible for not seeing it.  That woman is me.  I’ve questioned myself a million different ways and I still come up blank. How did I not see it?  Sure — there were odd things, but he was an odd person.  That was part of his charm at first, I guess. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker and I just didn’t see him for who he really was.

When I am alone with my thoughts those tentacles of his reach around my heart and squeeze until I can hardly breathe.  I birthed his children, and now they have such pain and will suffer all of the days of their lives.  Their spouses and their children will hurt, agonize, and suffer too.  His grandchildren will never have a relationship with him.  It almost kills me to know that.  I dreamed it would be so different.  Our family is broken, and now we must find a way to keep from breaking even more. 

And, then the tentacles squeeze tighter yet as they sweep across my mind and I think of him in prison doing the same thing.  He brags how much good he is doing in the name of God.  He’s teaching bible lessons, giving sermons, praying over people, singing in the choir, meeting with volunteers setting up programs.  He is loved.  His deceitful charm is working all over again, and I feel an inner shaking that wants to scream, “Liar!  You are a liar!  And, you’re still hurting people with your lies! Haven’t you done enough harm already? You continue to maniuplate and deceive, and you will do this all the days of your life!”

tentaclesThe actions of this one man — the man I married — have reached out and hurt so many people.  He molested innocent children and stripped them of their childhood.  He warped their thinking and mixed up and confused them so much that they don’t know who — if anyone — they can trust.  He manipulated and used people for his selfish purposes.  He took delight in his self-serving actions.  He did nothing to stop this.  He still says, “I don’t see what’s so bad about all of this.”

REALLY?  REALLY?  You don’t see how far-reaching, how deeply penetrating, how long-lasting your evil, corrupt, deceitful, heinous actions have gone?  You don’t see the hearts that are bleeding and will forever bleed?  You don’t see it because you are selfish.  You don’t see it because you don’t want to see it.  You don’t see it because you cannot see what you don’t want to see!

I’m writing this blog because I want you to understand the seriousness of what just ONE molester can do.  Look how far and wide the pain goes from the actions of just one.  Please help me to bring awareness about child predators.  I was married to one, and I’m speaking from the heart.  When you ask me, “How do you profile a predator?” I can only say to look for those “odd signs” — the ones I’ve been mentioning on this blog for weeks. Go with your gut feelings because they are usually right.

Do all you can to keep your child safe!  Little children need us to protect them from men like the one I married!  He was charming, witty, kind, generous, and he groomed little children and molested them for over fifty years.  His actions will cause pain and heartache for years and years to come!

Stay on your toes.  Keep your eyes and ears open.  Don’t allow your children to be alone with anyone when they are young.  Teach them from little up that NOBODY is to touch their body.  Let them know they can tell you ANYTHING.  BELIEVE them when they do tell. LISTEN to them.  They will give hints.

Let us be advocates in our churches, schools, daycares — and in our homes.  Let’s do all we can to keep our children safe!

child abuse 4Thank you for your comments, your questions, your love, your concern and your involvement in keeping our children safe.  They have been unprotected for too long.  It’s time we stop these predators in their tracks and keep our children safe! Speak up.  Speak loud.  Speak often. Our children are depending on us!

Love,

Clara

Married to a Pedophile: A Constant Web of Lies

Posted on by

Do you want to know how a wife of a pedophile feels?  Some days sad.  Some days very confused.  Some days weak in faith.  Some days in constant torment and pain.  Some days full of questions that are begging for answers.  And, some days………. mad as hell!  The mad as hell feeling doesn’t come often, but when it does I really feel it to the inner core of my being.  The story I’m going to share with you today is one that really gets my dander up.  Why?  Because I fell for one of the biggest lies ever from John and it angers me when I think of how much he must have laughed over it!

If you are new to this blog, in order to get the full story of what it was like being married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years without knowing it,  you should start reading here.  The blogs are short, but each one is a stepping stone that shows just how manipulative these molesters are!

I remember this particular event so well. In fact, I saved the emails that were passed around the family during this traumatic time, and I just came across them the other day. Reading them took me to my knees.  It’s so hard to read about this stuff now that I can fit the pieces of this pedophilic puzzle together!

I had gone grocery shopping on Saturday and John was watching the kids.  When I came home, the house was eerily quiet.  I knew something wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t know what had happened.  I asked John and the kids what was going on, and they said everything was fine.

It wasn’t fine.  Not at all, but I wouldn’t find out for another few days what had happened.

About Wednesday of the following week, I received an email from one of my sons who was in college.  “Dear Mom, I’m not sure how to word this, but I know you’ll figure out how to talk to dad about this.  I’m sure it’s nothing, but just in case there’s more to it, I thought you should know.”

The email went on to explain what had happened that Saturday when I was grocery shopping.  One of my daughters had gone bouncing into my office upstairs (which was always open to everyone) thinking she could get onto my computer to do some homework.  Instead, she stood frozen by what she saw!

Sitting at my computer was John.  That in and of itself was a shock as he was always downstairs in his locked office where he kept his computer.  She was startled at finding him there.  What startled her more was what she saw!!!!

On the computer screen was some of the worst adult porn (as described to me in the email) that could be viewed.  Raw, obscene, disgusting, horrific scenes and my fifteen year old daughter walked in on her dad, the preacher, viewing this.

He began fumbling to try to X out of it, but the screen was frozen, so what did he do? He turned to her and calmly asked her to delete the porn for him.  He said he was working on his Sunday sermon and the porn just popped up on the computer screen and he didn’t know what to do!  He was caught!  Red-handed!  He was caught in a horrible lie!

Computer picturesNeedless to say, a young girl would be shocked to see her dad viewing such stuff and it worried her so much that she emailed her older brother.  He took several days to think about it then emailed me.

He said, “Talk to dad about it.  Mom, don’t get upset.  Most men look at stuff like this sometime in their life, so maybe dad just got curious.  I’m sure he has an explanation.”

emails

I read the email probably fifty times not knowing what to do.  First, I thought I’d better talk to my daughter.  When I asked her what happened, she burst into tears.  She said, “Mom, it was horrible.  The pictures I saw where awful.  Everybody was naked.  There was blood.  There were things I didn’t know about.  And, dad just sat there and asked me to get it off of the computer because the computer was frozen.  It was sickening, Mom!”

She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed!

tissuesAs I held her I kept thinking of John telling me that he used to spend his summers looking at porn when he was young.  So, I knew he had already been exposed to this.  But now?  Not now.  He wouldn’t do that!  But, my mind kept wondering.  He was really strange in bed with me.  He never, ever used foul language — not even in a teasing way. But, it seemed as though he had lost interest in intimacy.  In fact, more often than not, he would turn his back on me and just say, “I’m tired.  Let’s just go to sleep.”  And, he had no problem going for weeks like that.  And, when he did demand intimacy, he did some really strange things.  Things that made me feel less than like a lady — less than like a woman sharing a close, warm moment with the man she loved.

I was worried.  Maybe there was another woman.  Maybe he had lost interest in me as his wife.  Maybe…..a million different thoughts raced through my mind.

That night, I mustered up the courage to bring up the topic.  I was breathing erratically — so nervous.  How do you approach this subject?  It was awkward and embarrassing, to say the least.

“John, can I talk to you?  Do you remember last Saturday when I was shopping?  Did anything out of the ordinary happen while I was gone?”

He was watching TV and never even turned his head to look at me.  I hated that! He never looked me straight in the eye! “Oh, you mean the mix-up on my computer?  Did she tell you about that?  I guess I should have mentioned it.  I’m studying for a series I’m going to preach on porn addiction, so I thought what better way to find out what’s out there than to get on the computer and see for myself.  So, I typed in a few words and there it was!”

“What do you mean you were studying for a sermon?  You need to look at hard-core porn to study for a sermon?”

“Sure.  Haven’t you read what Dr.  Dobson has to say on the subject?  That’s where I got the idea from.  He said if you haven’t seen it, you can’t preach about it.  You have to view the porn to get into the mind of the guys who get hooked on it.  So, I have to look at some of this stuff if I want my sermon series to be effective.”

Dr_ Dobson's Handbook of Family AdviceDo you want to know what’s weird?  I believed this lie one hundred per cent!  In fact, I apologized for ever questioning John.  I said I’d talk to our daughter and reassure her that he was just prepping for a sermon.  And, I never brought up the subject again!

How many red flags and lies can you see in this one story?  I’ve thought a million times over why John used MY computer upstairs to do his dirty work.  He never used my computer — he had his own private, locked office with his own computer.  I think this was another one of his tests.  How much would I believe?  How dedicated to him were his children.  Who would we tell about this?  Would we make a big deal?  Or would we believe his lies once again?

Shock.  Lies.  Denial.  More lies.  Control.  Making a person question themselves.  Making a person feel bad for ever questioning his motives.

I actually ended up apologizing to John over and over for being so stupid as to question him about this.  I said, “I should have known better.  I know you had a good reason for looking at that stuff. I don’t know why I ever questioned you.”

He smiled.  Pure satisfaction.

So, I did what any brainwashed, dedicated wife would do.  I sent out a family email to the older kids telling them that I talked to dad and everything was fine.  I explained that he was researching for a sermon series and that it was unfortunate their sister had walked into my office at that moment.  But, all was well and there was no need to worry.

I never brought the subject up again.  Not ever. And, neither did the kids. 

However, I find it interesting that I saved those emails from over fifteen years ago!  In fact, I printed them off and kept them in my personal files.  Deep inside of me I knew something was very wrong.  I felt it.  I had caught John in other lies but never made a big deal about it.  My gut was telling me something was very wrong, but I just couldn’t put the pieces together!

Why didn’t I search on his computer?  Keep in mind I never had access to his computer. His office was locked at all times and he held the only key to it.  I also found out much later that he was very computer savvy.  He knew how to hack into emails.  He knew his way around a computer very effectively.  He was no dummy!  Still, I never questioned him.  I was so intent on being a “good Christian wife” that I thought it would be wrong of me to do anything except completely believe him.  He was a godly man, a godly father, and it was my duty to respect him at all times.  And, I did!

Beware!  Pedophiles are liars!  Pedophiles are very involved in porn!  Pedophiles test people.  Pedophiles make sure they have won your complete trust.  Pedophiles practice molesting over and over in their minds before they actually touch a child.  They plan every detail.  They make lists.  They think of every possible scenario before making their move. They target who they will molest. They work methodically and precisely!  Please get a copy of Conversations With a Pedophile.  This book is a hard read, but it’s incredibly helpful!  Learn about how a pedophile works from the very mouth of a man who was a practicing pedophile for years and is serving a life sentence in prison just like John!

I was trying so hard to be the Christian wife and mother — so worried about being completely trusting and all-forgiving, that I gave John the benefit of the doubt in all areas of life.  And, I was teaching our kids to do the same.  “Never question dad.”  I was truly the perfect mate for a practicing pedophile.  He pushed me aside time and time again while he was carrying out his manipulative, controlling plans in order to fulfill his evil, selfish lustful desire of children.  How do I know? Because when he was arrested, the evidence was all there.  And, by his own admission in court, this was his life for fifty years. Lies.  Porn. Control.  Child molestation.

Who is the child molester?  The child molester can be anyone! 

Who will be the next victim?  Please don’t let it be your child!  Keep your guard up at all times.  Be careful who you trust!  Look for the signs.  Listen to the lies.  “A minister has to view hard-core porn in order to teach about it.”  Really?  I wasn’t thinking!  Does this mean that a minister has to molest children in order to teach about it?  I was so incapable of thinking for myself that I tremble when I think I might have fallen for that lie, too!  This is how victims are — incapable of thinking for themselves.  They fall into the trap of believing the lies! 

Learn from my life!  Listen to me clearly!  Watch for a person who is constantly studying people.  Beware of the person who is “too good to be true” — always has his life in order, always in control, always helpful way beyond the call of duty, always offering to help babysit and take your children to the park to give you a break. You know what I’m talking about!  And, remember — if your instinct tells you something is wrong, it probably is!

Work with me to keep our children safe!  Together we can be a voice that is heard!  Let’s make it so hard for these manipulative liars to get to our children that they finally walk away and give up!

Love,

Clara

If you are interested in having me speak to your mom’s group about putting plans in place to keep your children safe, please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com .  I want to help!