Thanksgiving was always among my top three most favorite of all holidays, but there is one Thanksgiving that will forever be a total nightmare — a disaster — and the one that will always stand out as the absolute worst.

It was always our family tradition to have a time of “giving thanks” prior to eating our meal.  We would go around the table and say the things we were most thankful for, and then we would end with a prayer.  This is a beautiful tradition, I think, and one that brings a family closer together and helps us all to appreciate one another more.

However, there is one Thanksgiving that was horrid, and that is putting it mildly.  As you know by now, our marriage was far from thriving.  In fact, it was pretty evident that our marriage was crumbling.  So, this was going to be a sad Thanksgiving, and    one that John had planned our very carefully.  He would use this time to manipulate everyone in our family and to continue to set up his line of defense making certain that he had every one of the children in his court.  This particular Thanksgiving, he took us all on a journey that we’ll never forget!

Before our meal, John made an announcement.  “I’d like you all to gather around the fireplace for a short devotional.”  I could hear some of the kids groaning because his idea of “short” was not the same as ours.

When we sat down in our places by the fireplace, John very calmly and very clearly said, “As you know, this will probably be our last Thanksgiving together as a complete family.  Mother has made it clear that she no longer wants to stay married to me.  I love mother, but she has made up her mind.  So, I’ve put together a devotional for us as a way of remembering us as a whole family.”

You could hear a pin drop.  Nobody knew what to say or do.  We were caught by total surprise!  John continued on.

I have some hymnals for us to use.  We’re going to sing some songs, then we’ll each have a time to say what we love about our family.  Use this as your time to express your final words to us as a complete family.”

What was this man doing?  Talk about painful!  Talk about awkward!  Talk about different!  WOW!!!!  You mean all eleven kids, their spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends, and our grandkids were going to have to participate in this morbid pre-Thanksgiving ceremony?

I could feel hot tears streaming down my face!  He had done it again!  He had made certain that the kids got the message that it was “mother” who wanted to break up this family.  He came off as the all-adoring husband, the loving and caring father who would do anything to keep this family together!

Nobody said anything.  We just sat there waiting for his next move.

“Turn to page 103.  We’re going to sing ‘Precious Memories’ ”  If anyone reading knows the words to Precious Memories, you know that under the best of circumstances this is a real tear jerker of a song.   It is meant to stir up precious memories of times gone by.

We tried to sing.  We really did.  But, the tears flowed.  I was literally choking trying to hold back my sobs.  This sounded worse than any funeral I’ve ever attended.  And, John?  Oh, how he belted out the song!  He was singing solo — loud and clear.  He was in his element.  He was in charge and he had every one of us right where he wanted us — feeling the pain of brokenness!

The songs continued – “Sweet Hour of Prayer” , “God is Love“, and “Til We Meet Again.”   Each one got worse and worse until the room emptied out and only John and two of the kids remained as John continued belting out the songs.  The rest of us were crying as our hearts literally broke in two.

I can’t remember our meal that day.  I went to the livingroom and remained there for the rest of the day feeling like the woman with the scarlet letter.  I was made to feel like this failed marriage was one hundred per cent my fault.  I was made to feel like I was the one responsible for all of the pain of this day and of the days and years to come.

John, however, never shed a tear.  He was very much in control.  I can still see the smirk on his face and the arrogance with which he sang those very carefully chosen songs.  He read Sciptures, and had a long, endearing prayer that he led.

This truly was a Thanksgiving nightmare!!!   

Why do I share this story with you?  If you have been reading my story from the start, you will understand what an important role I unknowingly played in hiding John’s pedophilia.  I was his perfect alibi.  I was the perfect cover-up for him, and now that he knew our marriage was failing, he was going to make certain that not just the kids, but people at church and those in the community were sure to hear of how “I” had failed him and the kids.  He would come out of this smelling like a rose.

And, he did! 

People looked at John with such sincere pity as they looked at me with utter disgust.  How could I even think of ending a marriage with this most wonderful man?  How could I break his heart and the hearts of all of my children?

I plummeted to the depths of my own mental anguish and hell that Thanksgiving Day.  That is probably the only day that I sincerely wished I would close my eyes and die.

What does this have to do with being married to a pedophile?  It has everything to do with it!  John was once again controlling me.  He knew how much I wanted to have a happy, thriving family.  He knew how much I loved the kids.  He knew how much God and family meant to me.  And, he knew how little I already thought of myself.  He had accomplished his mission.  He had crushed my spirit.  He had isolated me from family and friends.  He had made me feel little and ugly in the sight of others.  He was a master  manipulator!  He knew exactly what he was doing!

And, while he was crushing me to the ground and stomping on my heart, he was building a stronger and stronger support group for himself.  People loved and trusted him.  The kids loved and trusted him.  His church family loved and trusted him.  He was a broken-hearted hero in the eyes of others.  And, he displayed such a strong faith in God as he daily reported to others of how hard it was for him to remain a church leader with a broken heart as he watched his wife continue to pull away from him.

We never have had what I would call a “normal” Thanksgiving since.  Some wounds are hard to heal.  No longer do the kids travel “home” for Thanksgiving.  No longer do the kids wait in anticipation for the crowded tables in our home at Thanksgiving.  Instead, we have a quiet meal with the few that can attend and leave it at that.  As I said, some wounds are very hard to heal. Very, very hard to heal!  And, the pedophile knows that!! 

Pedophiles are smart.  They know what they are doing when they plan their abuse.  Not only do they abuse physically, but they abuse mentally.  John’s perfect 40-year-cover for child molestation was slowly falling apart, but he wasn’t standing idly by.  Not for a minute!  He had all bases covered and he put his plan into action — the first plan being to destroy me while he was still coming off as a hero to others.

This is just how they work.  Insidious, patient, conniving, and evil.  They will stop at nothing in order to carry out their plans. 

A few years later following John’s arrest, I learned that during this very time that John was trashing me, he was  under investigation in another county for child abuse.  He had gotten his first “manny job” and unknown to any of us in the family the mother of one of the children John was babysitting walked in and found John molesting her young child!  (More on that later.)

Who is the pedophile?  I’ll repeat it again and again and again!  The pedophile is almost always someone you know and trust!  Please watch this two minute video and listen very carefully!

Most children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know and trust!  Instead of teaching “stranger danger”, maybe we should be teaching “keep no secrets”, “do not touch me”, and “difficult conversations.”

Talk to your children.  Teach them about improper touch.  Teach them that nobody should ever tell them to “keep secrets.”  Be there to not just listen to them, but believe them.  It takes all of the courage they can muster to tell about their abuse!!!  Please believe your children when they talk to you about abuse!!

I’m urging you to help me be a voice for the children!  Please read this story over several times and pay attention to all of the red flags.  If you are an adult being mentally and emotionally controlled and abused, run and get help NOW!!!  If you see signs in a child that hint that the child is being abused, report your concerns NOW!!!

And, remember, if your gut tells you something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t!

Thank you for caring.  Thank you for sharing.  Thank you for speaking up for our children!

Love,

Clara

PS  If you have a need for a speaker in your church, at your school, or for your community on the topic of abuse, please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com .