Thanks so much for visiting this blog! You have no idea how much your presence means to me. I feel like I’m connecting with friends and people who understand, and we share a common goal – protecting our children and helping stop this horrible cycle of child molestation.
If you’re new here, please be sure to start here. This is an easy read – I write straight from my heart and you won’t find any fluff. “It is what it is.” I’ve found that’s the only way I can write.
We left off with our move to Pennsylvania following John being fired from his job as youth minister in Oklahoma. I’ll be upfront with you and let it be known right off the bat that this was not a place where I wanted to be. This area of the country is known as snow country. It has mountains and long, cold, dreary winters. I grew up in Southern Jersey right along the shore and my heart will always be connected to the ocean.
Worse, though, than the location was the situation. I was sickened at the thought of being a preacher’s wife. I struggled so much with low self-esteem issues and now I knew without a doubt that I was going to live under the scope of eyes watching my every move as well as every move of my children.
John’s one promise to me had been that we’d never be a preacher’s family, yet here we were – committed to doing just that. We were now officially part of this thing called “ministry.” John had not prepared for ministry. He was a business major gone sour. He couldn’t keep up with the math classes. So he changed his major, and then persuaded his professors to create a title for his specialized course — Religious Education. He was the first student at Oklahoma Christian College to graduate with this degree. Talk about manipulation!
Adapting to living in the church parsonage was not easy for me. I grew up on a farm with chickens, goats, sheep, dogs, cats, and my horse Robbie. And, suddenly here we were in the center of town with a nursing home just yards away from our kitchen window, absolutely no yard – only a front porch that would serve as the outside play area for our kids – and worse yet was the fact that the parsonage was connected to the church building. The living room door opened up into the church auditorium. I had no choice in where we lived. The parsonage was part of the preacher’s package.
In looking back, it’s so strange to me that John had such an obsessiveness with his list writing – everything had to be spelled out in the smallest detail on a daily basis – yet he had the most amazing ability to adapt to circumstances and people. He didn’t have a care in the world about meeting new people, working with them, or living in the parsonage. In fact, he loved it! He was in his glory being the leader of the pack! And, people loved him!
We settled into life at the parsonage within a few weeks. I had my fair share of problems which I’ll not elaborate on here, but John – let’s just say when he was center stage he was delighted! He was especially happy because we moved on October 1 and already he had big plans for a teen New Year’s Eve party in the basement of the church building. If you remember reading about our first New Year’s Eve together, then you can well imagine the knot that was in my stomach just thinking about this one.
John bought party planning books and he sat with them for hours underlining, highlighting, and folding pages to mark the games that he thought we be the most fun. He was obsessed with this party!
Now, keep in mind that in my presence he was probably the quietest person I knew. He hardly spoke a word. In fact, he barely grunted. Our daughter was almost two, and he was so preoccupied with “church work” that she was pretty much my child. I often cried myself to sleep thinking, “This is what it’s like to be a single parent.” I would wait all day for John to sit in a chair by me to watch some TV or just talk about his day, but I’ll be honest with you. Instead, he either closed himself off in the bathroom or he went to sleep. Do you know that I never knew simple things about him such as his favorite color, his favorite food, or his favorite hobby. Isn’t that weird to be married almost forty years and not know those things about your spouse?
One day I was so excited over something our daughter had done that without thinking, I ran downstairs to the basement where John’s office was located in the church and wanted to surprise him with a hug and a kiss and to tell him the good news – she was beginning to talk! Real sentences!!!
I grabbed the doorknob and flung open the door without thinking, and what a wrong move that was! John was sitting at his desk, feet propped up, with a book in front of him that he quickly threw down on his desk. “What are you doing barging in here like this? I told you to NEVER disturb me when I’m studying. Ever! Do you understand me?” John didn’t raise his voice too loud, but his eyes – so piercing. He was scary when he did that.
I froze. I had entered his secret chambers uninvited and unannounced!
John made “rules and lists” for me to live by and one of the rules was I was never allowed to come downstairs for any reason to disturb him while he was studying. He was being like Alexander Campbell, the preacher from the Restoration Movement. I wasn’t even allowed to call him from the phone upstairs. He had the perfect believable answer for everything!
The very next day, John went out to a hardware store and bought a special kind of lock and put it on the door. He was the sole person who held the key. NEVER was I allowed in that church office downstairs, and this rule followed us when we moved one more time in 1981. I never was allowed to have the key to either of those offices – ever!
Lists. Privacy. Control. To others he was the fun preacher kid who was planning all kinds of neat things for the youth of the church. And, by the way, he also had his “privacy” rule with the church people. And, they also “obeyed.” He was so adamant about not being disturbed during his office time, that he unplugged the phone in his office. Not even death was an excuse to interrupt him. He made that very clear to me.
Let me insert a true example of how obedient I was to this rule. We actually had a fire that broke out in the parsonage. The parsonage was old and apparently there was an electrical problem and a fire started in the hallway by the kitchen. I was so afraid to disturb the preacher (John) that I called one of the church members in a moment of near hysteria asking him what I should do.
“Where’s John?” I answered that he was studying in his office. “Okay, I’ll be right over to check on things!” And, he did come over, and called the fire company. There was a full-blown fire that had broken out inside the walls and I was too afraid to walk downstairs and interrupt my husband for fear of being made to feel like an idiot, a fool, and worse than anything a non-supportive preacher’s wife.
I get sick thinking about how much control he had over me.
Let me stop here and say a few things that are majorly important to understand about this total control. Many of you are probably thinking, “She was such a wimp. What’s wrong with her? Why would she not speak up? He wasn’t going to hit her, so why was she so afraid of him?”
When a person is under this type of control, you do what you’re told – no questions asked. You’ve been conditioned to feel inferior on every level. I had been called ugly by him. I had been pushed away many times during intimacy making me feel so humiliated. I had been ignored. I had been rejected. I had been made to feel like I was an obstacle in the way. So, rather than risk being made to feel less human than I already felt, I obeyed the rules. Following the “Do Not Disturb” rule was a lot easier than being dealt another blow to the heart again!
What’s even more incredible to me as I look back at this one example (and there are hundreds more) is the fact that the church members obeyed John, too. He was nothing more than a kid and here were these mature adults listening to him tell them he was intensely studying for each week’s sermons and needed to be left alone for Bible study and prayer time.
Do you want to know how he prepared his sermons? The sickening truth is that he bought books written by people such as Charles Swindoll and tore pages out of them, highlighted key phrases, and stuck the pages as inserts in his Bible and he read from those pages. He did that the entire thirty plus years of his preaching. Do you want to know something else? He didn’t even try to hide those inserts in his Bible. He left his Bible open where everyone could see. It was embarrassing to me. I tried talking to him about it and he just laughed. His words were, “They’ll never know the difference.”
The truth is that John held such a spell over people that nobody ever challenged him. Ever. He had total control.
So, what did he do in his “private chambers”? Well, I know he planned party games. I’ll tell you one of his favorites next time I write. I about passed out when I read in a book on pedophiles a few months ago that John’s favorite party game is a game pedophiles play. I was sick, and still am.
I believe John’s study time was spent studying – but not the bible. I believe he was studying how to manipulate and control the members of the church. I believe he already had targeted children he planned to molest. I believe he was studying body language and the way the mind works. He wasn’t a dumb man by any means. And, he seemed to work magic with people he met.
These first few months leading up to Christmas and New Year’s were hard ones. John had study time, then left to go “visiting” in the afternoons and evenings. We had one car, so I was home with our almost two-year-old and pregnant with our second child who was due in January. I had no real friends, and making friends was uncomfortable and difficult for me. The reality was I was a perfect fit for the wife John needed! I made no trouble. I questioned nothing he did. I didn’t hold him accountable for anything. And, I worked hard to act happy in front of others when they laughed at his jokes, invited him to preacher’s lunches (no, I wasn’t invited!), and when they bragged up his preaching (when in fact he was reading from a book in front of them).
I was lonely and felt isolated. Nothing made much sense to me. John was so happy, and had so much “zip” in front of others, but at home he was so different. In my thinking, there must have been something very wrong with me. If I tried harder to be a better wife. If I worked more on having the house perfectly clean (I used to scrub the kitchen floor two times a day.) If I had a delicious home-cooked meal on the table for him every night. If I never asked for anything. If I could somehow change who I was then maybe he would love me.
Please pay attention because this is so important! A pedophile is not just a sexually abusive person, but the abuse begins with emotional abuse. There is manipulation, control, grooming (that is very well thought out), and finally the action of touching, which leads to full penetration. From what I have studied so far, a great thrill is the rush a pedophile gets from having the absolute “control” to do this — often right in front of others and have so much control that the child will never speak up! My heart breaks when I think of this. Absolutely breaks.
If you feel tormented and crazy, step back and try to look at your situation. Love does not demand you follow a list of rules. Love gives far more than it takes. Love is kind and patient. Love does not control. Love does not intentionally hurt!!! YOU are not the problem!!!! Please, please get out of that kind of situation because that’s not how any relationship is supposed to be
Pedophiles plan for months, sometimes years, in advance. They study people. They know who and how they can control. They will trap you. They will ensnare you and use you for their own personal gratification.
One of the biggest red flags of all I didn’t know was this:
“Ever hear someone described as “just another big kid”? That’s fine, as long as they are able to switch back to an adult rather than staying in the “kid” mode continuously. Child molesters think of children as their peers. They see them in terms of sexual attraction, not cuteness.” — www.notwithmychild.org
John didn’t know how to be a husband to me. His interest was with kids — planning parties. Planning visits. Planning time to sit with kids while parents went out for a break away. People loved him. They adored him. He was awesome fun! Kids loved him. He’d pick them up and swing them around. He’d romp on the floor with them. He’d have treats for them. He was a great guy. A great guy who was planning on how to molest your child!
Please open your eyes. Don’t leave your child alone with anyone! Protect your children. Pedophiles are preachers, teachers, bus drivers, dance instructors, coaches, baby sitters, and your neighbor next door. Pedophiles are funny, smart, and they don’t look like the bearded monster from outer space. Be alert at all times!
Next time we will talk about the games John planned for the youth at church, at parties, and at church camp. I tremble just thinking about this. I’m sick, and I’ve cried hours upon hours upon hours over this. I still find it so hard to believe that I was so blind. Please learn from my pain! If your gut is telling you something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.
I’ll close with a quote I found today while reading:
That’s just how pedophiles work.
Love,
Clara
PS John also did “counseling” in his secret chamber. I’ll talk about that at another time.
I’ve read through your entire blog today. Just, wow. It’s a lot to take in.
As a mother of 2 boys who were molested by a teenage neighbor, I thank you for writing this. Thank you for sharing your story and spreading awareness. As parents, we need to be aware of all these things, and ever aware that it happens to those of us that least expect it. Not me, not my kids, not in a million years. It happens. It happens more than we know, and more than anyone wants to admit.
I will shout amen from the rooftops to everything that you’ve said. The person molesting is most often the person we’d look at and say, “Now there is a great person! What a fine example!” And, when the truth comes out it is devastating on so many different levels! We need to be so careful about who we trust!
Clara,
Many years ago we had an incident between my cousins husband and our daughter. Our Rainbow Baby had been born that year and we were hosting Christmas. At one point while I was cleaning up, I realized that our daughter and my cousins husband were missing. My father was downstairs watching tv and I figured they were there too. But something felt *off*. I waited a few minutes and asked where they were. I honestly can’t remember if my cousin or my Mom answered that they were upstairs. My husband also heard this reply and now we both felt something was *off*. He started pacing the kitchen and we started exchanging looks until I finally said something to him about going up to let them know that dessert was going to be served in a few minutes. When hubby got upstairs, our daughters bedroom door was closed. I can only imagine the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and can only wonder at why he did what he did next. He knocked on her door and gave her (them) the option to let him in. Personally, I would have just opened the door and let the cards fall where they would. He was answered immediately and told to come in by our daughter. My husband later told me they were both seated on her bed next to each other but not necessarily touching at all.
Up until that point, our daughter had spent weekends at my cousins house and we had never had any reason to feel anything was wrong. After this, all over night and unsupervised visits (meaning a Grandparent or Parent not being present) came to an abrupt halt. After everyone left, my hubby and I discussed what happened and felt that it was possible that he was starting to *groom* her and us, to see how far he could take things. Upon being questioned as to why her door was closed our daughter said that because her baby brother was upstairs sleeping she suggested they close the door so as not to wake him. Did she really? I don’t know, but at the time this is what she told us. At the time she was 7, he was in his late 40’s. Even if nothing happened, we as her parents felt that he should have known better than to be alone in a bedroom with a young child with the door closed. I mentioned her having to be with a one of us or a Grandparent after this. Technically this is my Mothers cousin and I was quite honest with her about how I felt about this incident. I stressed to my Mother that our daughter was never, ever, EVER to be left alone with him for any reason. I don’t know if my Mother every told my Father, I tend to doubt it because I believe my Dad would have confronted him. I can tell you that our daughter never went anywhere again with just my cousin and her husband, one of us was always with them no matter what.
As she’s gotten older we have asked her if anything ever happened and she has told us that no, he never touched her. She has told us that he “gives her the creeps” when he hugs her (we’re a very huggy family and everyone hugs everyone). Is this because of the things we’ve asked her? Or does he really give her the creeps? Again, I don’t know the answer to that. I know that to some extent he gives me the creeps and he always has, but, we never had any reason to think that he would hurt our daughter, maybe we still don’t. I just know that I don’t like to be hugged by him and will do just about anything to avoid it, even if it means I don’t hug anyone else that day.
As I’ve read your blog I’ve questioned myself, was it all in my head? Is he just kind of weird and our personalities don’t mesh so my mind easily went to thinking the worst? I doubt that I’ll ever know. Our daughter is now 14 and has come to us with another incident that involved a boy her own age (Thank goodness nothing happened as she flat out told him No) and we believe she would tell us if anything had ever happened. Ironically we were just talking about the incident with the boy last week and I once again brought up my cousins husband and flat out asked her if anything ever happened. She again assured me that nothing happened and I will thank God every day that we’ve managed to keep her safe for 14 years.
I first found you after my second miscarriage. Looking for answers, I checked out a little book called Silent Grief. Over and over through the book my heart broke for you as I read your child loss journey. Now, as I sit here tonight reading all that your husband put you through, again my heart breaks for all you have endured. You are an amazing woman. At the time of my miscarriage I remember thinking how strong you were. Your strength still amazes me. The fact that you could reach out to comfort others going through the grief of losing a child while you were being so abused at home amazes me. Thank you not only for Silent Grief but also for your blog about your journey with a pedophile. You have opened my eyes and I will be even more vigilant where my children are concerned. I know my children think I *baby* them but I’d rather be accused of babying them than have something like this happen to them.
Thank you so much for your comments. They mean more than you’ll ever know. One thing we’ll talk about later on as the blog progresses is the fact that most abused children never talk about their abuse. (There are numerous reasons why — all very valid ones.) And, often the children who were molested often don’t remember until they are in their 20’s, 30’s and sometimes their 40’s. Why? They’ve locked away this trauma until it is safe enough to revisit. Thank God that you had the wisdom and the courage to never allow your daughter alone with this man again! There is absolutely no reason a little 7-year-old and a 40-year-old need to be alone in a bedroom upstairs with the door closed! Whatever he had to say to her could have been said in the living room or the kitchen. You’ve not babying your children. You’re being a mother who is on the ball and looking out for their welfare. One day they will thank you!
Cristina –
Hope you dont mind – but could you tell me what a Rainbow Baby is? I never heard that term and I have a feeling that others haven’t either.
A rainbow baby is a baby born to a mama and daddy following child loss (most often referred to after miscarriage or stillbirth). I have a child loss site, http://www.silentgrief.com as well as a child loss blog http://www.silentgriefsupport.com and you will see the word “rainbow baby” mentioned often in reference to that baby born following loss. Also, a FB page, SilentGrief – Child Loss Support. I hope this has helped.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. It isn’t easy. You are sharing vital information that people miss so often. Even with our technology and modern thinking. We still don’t think it will ever happen to our kids or in our church. You’re bringing an awareness to people that often want to keep their heads in the dark and pretend these things don’t happen. Everything you’re describing and pointing out red flags to are exactly how my youth pastor groomed me. It’s quite scary seeing it from a different perspective. I pray you continue to bring healing and awareness wherever you go!
Thanks so much for not only reading but affirming how this stuff happens. There are days yet when I sit and talk to myself constantly saying, “I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it.” And yet I sat in the courtroom and watched this man that I lived with for almost forty years say before the Judge that he had indeed done these things. I just didn’t see it. 🙁
I am disgusted and appalled, and sort of reluctant to read this, because it makes me realize maybe my grandma really didn’t know what was going on… and I have spent so much time and anger on her, blaming her for 16 years of abuse, plus her daughter’s and her niece’s and countless others, and I don’t want to accept that her situation was so much like yours, that maybe she didn’t realize what was going on, or was brainwashed into supporting him no matter what. When she said she didn’t believe women could be raped, that was the last straw for me. But maybe she learned that from him. They’re both dead now, God only knows where.
Lynne, As a person who grew up with very traditional, conservative Christian beliefs, I can tell you this — it was considered sinful to question a man about anything. A woman’s place was by her husband’s side no matter what (I shake when I think about this now!) and it is 100% possible to live with a man, sleep in the same bed with him, have children by him and not know his “other life.” I am living proof. Later on in my blog, I will be sharing some direct quotes from John to me as he sits in prison about how he’s “sorry I had to find out about his dark side of life.” Molesters know how to hide it and they do it well!
Walking this “telling” of your story with you… I am gld you are opening eyes. You are also explaining to me how I was manipulated. Thanks for sharing…
Les, Hindsight is always so enlightening (and horrifying). Two years ago I wasn’t strong enough emotionally to think back. But, every few days I force myself to look a little deeper, peel back another layer, and it’s all there as plain as the nose on my face. BUT, when you’re in the middle of the situation, it’s so hard to see!!! Be kind to yourself.
Agree with taking it one situation at a time. Just this one portion on the secret room with a locked door could be examined for years.
Yes, you are among friends. Keep telling your story and be empowered.
There is much, much more to this locked room….which was found out many years later. Sometimes it’s so difficult telling my story beginning at the end and working my way back. But, I would like each event to build on the other and unfold just as it did in my life. It was like a brick layer laying one brick at a time…..and at first you had no idea what was happening, until finally you run smack dab into a wall!
Did you ever read Edgar A. Poe’s “The Cask of Amontillado”? At the story’s end, one man has used deceit to get his friend/enemy into the wine cellars below ground. There, he bricks the “frenemy” into a cubbyhole, layer upon layer, brick upon brick, then simply walks away, leaving the man there to die alone. All the while, he blames the impending doom on the innocent, bricked-in frenemy.
In a way, Clara, your husband bricked you up behind a wall…the bricks were “isolation,” “self-doubt,” “babies to keep you busy,” “lists, orders, and absolute control,” etc…on and on until all that was left for you was the role of Mother to your children. And even though he tried to place blame on you, the innocent victim, you have survived!
That role of Mother/Grandmother initially saved you, I daresay…that role and a faithful God who loves and cares and sustains us through our own private hurricanes.
I am very sorry for what you have endured, while at the same time I am rejoicing at your Survivor role. You have triumphed!
To God be the glory as He continues to use your own experience to teach others how to survive and triumph, too!
Thank you for being able to share, even when the sharing must be heart-wrenching, for you are saving lives with your words.
Les
I read some of your responses to Clara -got me curious and clicked on your name to find your blog. Thank you for sharing – and I plan on mentioning you on my facebook page -AFTER people have had a chance to read Clara’s blog that I posted about tonight. I work and connect with many people who are involved with people who have disabilities. The one fear they have is what you all have experienced. Is there a ministry focused on bringing healing to people like your son who have been molested?
There is a camp in Texas http://campvictorytexas.org/
Sheldon Kennedy is a former Hockey player was molested for years by his coach. He also started a camp for abused kids, Anaphe, a ranch in British Columbia. Anaphe is a goddess in Greek mythology that watches over and protects children. Can’t seem to find more about that one on google right now.
I would absolutely support any work Les begins in this area of healing.
Thanks so very much for bringing this camp to my attention! I didn’t know anything about it. I’m going to check it out right now. My heart is so heavy as I learn of so many children who were abused for years and the molesters seem to go on their merry way leaving behind this horrible path of destruction. It is so encouraging for me to see so many visiting this blog daily and having so much interest in getting educated and armed to stop these horrendous actions against our children from continuing!