If you’ve been following along with my story, you know that by now John and I had been in a rocky marriage for a long time. Actually, I take that back. He thought it was a wonderful marriage. I was the one who was constantly confused, upset, hurt, crying, disillusioned, and often felt like I was a bit on the crazy side. He was a difficult man to figure out and by now I had all but quit trying!
This particular event I’m going to tell you about took place in the summer. It was a warm, lovely Friday evening as I remember, and John had been away all week working insurance. He was running on a super high as he had planned a weekend youth retreat for the church. Those events always got him charged up. He was like another person when he was around young people! That’s when he lit up and came to life!
With me he was quiet, had nothing to say, and would literally fall asleep while I was trying to talk to him. I honestly believed that the only reason he was married to me was to have someone to keep up with his laundry, take care of the kids, the bills, and all of the household chores, and to have a delicious home-cooked meal ready for him on those occasions when he was home.
Little by little our marriage was dying, and deep within my soul I knew it. He was going to a campground that was only a twenty minute drive away from where we lived. John had talked this up big and promoted the weekend. There were a dozen or more kids going, and only one other chaperone going along with him.
This was a “mixed” retreat — boys and girls, and they were all staying in one lodge. The guys had one side and the girls had the other. It was always interesting to me that NEVER did a female chaperone go along! John always made it clear that he could handle everything. And, the male chaperone going couldn’t stay for the night, so John was “the man in charge” which is exactly how he loved it.
Shortly after getting the kids to bed this particular night, my youngest woke up and was a bit fretful. She was getting a summer cold and didn’t feel well, so I decided to go into the living room with her and hold her for a while until she felt better. We sat in the dark enjoying the soft, gentle breeze coming in through the screened windows.
You know how you get a feeling that something isn’t right? Well, that feeling overcame me suddenly and I bolted upright clutching my daughter close to me. I whispered, “Please be quiet while mommy listens real close.” I held her close and felt her heart beating against my chest as I listened.
Yes, I heard it again. Somebody was outside of the window!!!
Then, I saw a shadow cast across the room and that’s when I held my hand tightly over my daughter’s mouth so she wouldn’t scream out loud. I was breathing heavy while silently begging God for wisdom to know what to do! The other kids were tucked safely in their beds, but I had an intruder who was now pushing against the screen window trying to get in!
I decided to make a dash on all fours to the kitchen to grab my butcher knife. That was the only weapon I had and I knew that I could use it to fight off whoever that was in order to protect my children. I prayed to God that the intruder couldn’t see me crouched down crawling. I kept my hand tightly over my daughter’s mouth to keep her from screaming as I clutched her little body tightly against mine making my way to the kitchen.
After what seemed like the longest sixty seconds of my life, I made it and in one quick swoop I grabbed the knife and pressed against the wall where I could see the intruder’s shadow. He was still there pushing against the screen.
I had the old-time window screens that push out. They really weren’t secure, but at that time in life we really didn’t need to worry much about any intruders. We lived in the safest neighborhood around! I had no idea who this psycho could be, but I was armed and ready!
I placed my daughter under the kitchen table and whispered to be very quiet while mommy checked on something. I prayed asking God to give me the strength I needed to protect my children.
And, that’s when I made my move! I took a flying leap across the room and with one quick stab I sent the butcher knife right through that screen!!! I pulled it back and stabbed again and again screaming, “I’ll kill you! Get out of here or I’ll kill you!”
Please don’t write me and tell me that I wasn’t following the law because to be totally truthful, I would do anything to keep my children safe — even put a knife through someone who was trying to break into my home!
I heard a loud scream from a man, and then the most devious laughter I have ever heard in my life. My arms still get chills even as I’m retelling this story. The voice yelled, “Stop, you idiot! It’s just me! I was just trying to see what you’d do if a burglar came in the middle of the night!”
I fell to my knees sobbing as my little ones came running up to me to see what was going on. By now all of the kids were awake and the lights in the house were all on — shining on the butcher knife and the slashes in the screen.
John came bouncing in the house laughing a hideous laugh. “I want to cook the kids eggs and bacon over and open fire for breakfast and I realized I didn’t have the right size pan so I decided to come home to get it. I thought I’d have a little fun while I was here. I could see your shadow sitting in the dark in the living room.”
He had parked the car at the end of our very long driveway and stealthily crept up to the house with full intentions of staging a break-in. Why? Why in heaven’s name would the man I was married to do something like that to his wife and children? I’ve asked myself that question a million times over. Why?
Love wants to protect those we love, not cause them harm. Never does love want to intentionally harm those we love!
This should have been a waving red flag to me that something was very, very wrong with John. I was scared out of my mind and for years after that I had trouble sleeping. In fact, every now and then I still wake up in panic as I remember that moment. My daughter who was with me through that had nightmares for a long time after that.
But, John thought it was funny. He never apologized. He never said he was sorry. It was something he laughed at and said, “You’re one crazy woman. I didn’t know you had it in you to grab a knife.”
I’ve often wondered if that was some kind of a test he gave me. Was he seeing if I was totally weak and helpless without him? What was it he was trying to do? Was he trying to make me crazy?
I do know he mocked me. He made me feel foolish. He scared his own children half to death. And, you know what? I begged him to stay home with us that night because we were so shaken up, but he looked at me and said ever so calmly, “I can’t stay here. They need me at the campsite. I have to cook breakfast for them and lead the morning devotional.”
And off he went.
Control. Manipulation. Power. All signs of abuse. His plan was to make me feel weak — to beg for him to stay. And, what a thrill it must have been for him to turn and walk away. He was in charge. He was in control.
Listen to me carefully. This is how pedophiles work! They plan. They make certain that they have an airtight support system. They test people. They use shock methods. They traumatize. And, they get away with it.
Do you know that it was years until I told anyone about this incident? Do you know why? Because I didn’t want anyone to know that I used that knife!!! John told me over and over again how wrong I was — how crazy I was — to pull that knife. He made me feel like I was a criminal. His words kept swirling through my head, “You could have killed me. What would you have done then? How would you have explained that to the kids that you killed their own father?”
I was made to feel like the one who had done wrong! I believed his lies. Once again I believed his lies!
Pedophiles are masterful mind manipulators and liars and don’t you ever underestimate what they will do in order to gain full control! They quietly harm and then make you think you’re the one in the wrong! They cause you to doubt yourself. They cause you to be filled with fear. Their lies control you. They control you!
As you think about this, think about what this man must have done and said to children he molested. I will never forget his evil laugh that night! I can honestly say that in that moment I feared for my life. As I looked at John I knew I didn’t really know him.
And, yet…..I kept our secret hidden. I never told.
Please don’t do as I did! If you are in a situation like I was speak out and speak loud! We need to stop protecting these abusive liars! This man who did this cruel act committed far more cruel, horrendous acts of abuse on young children throughout the years. His heart was evil, his mind was sordid, and he made others he abused feel small and wrong and belittled all the while gaining more and more love from the people he so masterfully charmed.
This, my friends, is how pedophiles molest children. They charm them, then scare them, then molest them. They lie to them, they threaten them, they make them feel so wrong inside. They confuse them, they torture them with their lies. They frighten them until they hide so deep inside of themselves that they cannot speak. This is childhood molestation and it’s going on every day. We must — absolutely must — do all we can to put an end to these horrible crimes!
Please be a voice for the children. Don’t keep silent as I did. When something seems so wrong, listen to your inner voice and believe in yourself! Stop listening to the lies! Find someone to talk to and hold the abuser accountable! Please let’s do all we can to prevent this abuse from happening to our children
Thank you for reading this. Thank you for taking to heart what I have shared. Thank you for wanting to learn more about how this type of abuse takes place. If you are interested in knowing more about how to put safety guidelines in place at your church, in your home, at your daycare, your school, on your playgrounds, please contact me. I have begun conducting “Safe Kids Workshops” and would be honored to come speak to you. Please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com .
We are a growing voice! For the sake of our children, let’s keep talking, learning, and growing together!
Love,
Clara
Oh Clara, this brought back an incident in my life. My abuser-husband was at work and not scheduled to come home until supper time. Our child was napping; I would rest at the same too. Only this time I heard the front door opening! I leaped up, got a gun, and stood at the top of the staircase aiming it for a chest shot should that person try to come upstairs. Now our home was small, very small so the intruder could EASILY hear me. I called out, “Who’s there?!” — no answer. I repeated it — no answer. Now I can hear the intruder making his way up the stairs and I yelled “you better announce yourself or else!” He round the first part of the stairs and fell backwards against the wall as he made the landing and saw a gun aimed at him. I was so furious!!! I yelled out, “WHY didn’t you answer me?! I asked you 3 times “who’s there?!” You know, he never answered me. And he never apologized! I understand now that he didn’t care if he startled, scarred me; it was something he ENJOYED!
He also liked coming up behind me and then start talking to me when I didn’t hear him or see him. He KNEW it made me nervous; what a creep!
Ann, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be “okay” with entering a room by myself. I sleep with bright lights on — shining right in my eyes. I lock the bathroom door even though I’m by myself. Why? Because he scared me so many times that there were times I thought I’d die from fright. And, he thought it was funny — so very funny. The incident you used is all too common to me. When I would come home from work, many times I’d pull into the garage, and park next to John’s and then as I walked by he’d pop up in the car, or quickly ram the door open to scare the living daylights out of me. I’d scream with fear every time. I’ve now come to understand that abusers like him and your husband “enjoy inflicting pain.” They get and actual rush from it. It’s all so sick. Very, very sick. I often wrote in my journal that John was like a slithery snake — hiding in places and then popping out of nowhere for the kill. It was horrible! I’m so sorry that you’ve been through this kind of abuse, too. 🙁
My heart is pounding just reading this. My father used to the SAME THING! He loved to jump out at me from a dark room or around a corner and scare the daylights out of me. He apparently didn’t do that to my mother or my sister, but he loved to sneak up behind us at various times.
Thankfully, I have come to the place where I can be in a dark room in my house, although I don’t like to walk around in the dark (because I’ve stubbed my toes, banged my shins, or stepped on a hard toy too many times).
Ann and Clara, my husband and family know that if they did to me what your exes did to you, there is a very high probability they would be shot with NO warning!
Rosie,
Isn’t it sad that we have to say things like that (they’d be shot with NO warning) in order to protect ourselves? Last night was a difficult night for me again — it seems to come in waves. I slept with three lights on in my bedroom. I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams what the children who have been molested must go through. It breaks my heart every time I think about it. And, the abusers have no idea. They really don’t. It’s just horrible. 🙁
Clara and others,
I am so sorry that you are still needing the lights on even for a moment. I do keep a night light on, but that is only so I don’t hurt myself getting up during the night. It is in the hallway, not in my bedroom. Since there is no man in my apartment, I feel completely safe. At work however, if someone like my boss even comes into my office and starts talking before I am aware they are there, I jump out of my skin. This is an everyday occurrence for me. It will happen if someone comes up from behind me in my apartment building or at the mall, wherever, but I feel completely safe in my apartment. I hope this for you very soon. I think getting away from my old surroundings helped a lot.
Brenda, I know that some things are going to take me a long time to overcome. And, maybe I won’t succeed in overcoming everything (every fear), but I can say that I feel stronger and stronger with each passing day. Two nights last week I did turn off the bedroom light and slept with a light on in the next room. That’s a big improvement for me!!! One of the promises I’ve made for 2015 is to “face my fear” — no matter what that fear may be. One step, one day at a time. You and I are both going to make it. Just wait and see! 🙂
This one hits home…you are writing their life….because they are related??? or common to this type person. Keep strong Clara…sending you love
Thank you so much! I think this one hits home to a lot. It’s pounded in us to forgive, forgive, forgive….and we have it all so wrong. We don’t even come close to understanding what that means.
Much strength to you, too!
Are you familiar with what the accusations coming out regarding Bill Gothard? Do you have thoughts on it? My teenage years were spent deep in his teachings. Now, 11yrs after coming out of the movement, I still struggle so much with guilt-trips and manipulation “voices” in my head. I was never physically abused, but I feel like I’m dealing with emotional and spiritual abuse from God’s Word being tweaked just enough to cause so many lies in the faith. Some days are pretty hard. I can’t even imagine all the poor children who have also had to endure physical abuse. 🙁
Clara,
Men who get away with abuse, control, manipulation, murder…all think their marriages are good. They don’t see what they do as wrong and can’t understand that you are in pain and think you should not be affected by what they do. Knife, baseball bat, tire iron, any other object that was available–I think we moms have an instinct to protect our children for good reason and you were far from an “idiot” to react the way you did. He mistreated you and your children in the worst kind of way. He set fear in your home where there was none before. Home should be where you go to feel safe.
Why he was allowed to chaparone boys and girls alone is beyond me. Why would the church allow it? His say so should not have been enough. The girls parents shouldn’t have allowed them to go in that circumstance. Even the best role model should want no form of misunderstanding to be an issue. The one time I went to my pastor for advise before my divorce he left the door open a little ways and his secretary stayed close by until we were finished. It just makes sense so no one can make false accusations or assumptions about what was going on. When kids are at camp boys and girls don’t swim at the same time as a general rule. It helps keep the outing from getting out of hand.
The “Safe Kids Worship” sounds like a wonderful idea. I would be happy to pass the word around. As one who experience the consequences of a child molester, I do not want any other child to experience that trauma. We have a long way to go.
Brenda, Thanks so much for your comment! In looking back on the events in my life, there were so many things that went on that were wrong. The church group was a trusting group — they simply never questioned John about anything. The group was small, and the man who pastored the church prior to John was their beloved father, so……they really had no experience with an outsider before. When John was hired, they just assumed that everything he said and did was fine — especially since he was a graduate of a Christian college. They were like putty in John’s hands.
There are still preachers today who are getting away with these things. All we have to do is pick up the newspaper or listen to the radio. As a whole, people are far too trusting in churches!!! We’re taught to “forgive” and to “accept people as they are” and we take it a bit too far. We don’t understand what our responsibilities are when it comes to protecting our children.
John chaperoned many, many all girls events, he drove girls around alone and nobody said anything. One time I went to a couple in church with my concerns and they put me down so badly that I never spoke up again. They pretty much told me how wrong I was to even consider John wasn’t trustworthy enough to be alone with girls. I was made to feel like with a terrible wife that I vowed never to bring it up again.
Thanks for spreading the word about the “Safe Kids Workshop”. It’s not the entire answer, but it sure is a beginning!
Clara, The church my boss attends is very large. They have 3 services on Sunday morning to accomodate everyone. He was attending in house Bible studies until they found out that the member who’s house where it was held had been in prison for child molesting and was now being tried on another case. His testimony was all of that happened before he was saved, but he never bothered to give that testimony until church leadership found out about it. The Bible study has since been moved to my bosses home and that member and his wife were both put out of the church. The man because he didn’t come clean when he asked for membership and I’m sure because of the coming events. I am not sure why the wife was also put out. It was not her crime/sin.
Abuse victims and concerns of abuse are often not understood by church members. The person who is being abused or bringing abuse to light are the ones that are rejected, while the abuser is put on a pedestal. It makes no sense. The church doesn’t want to know that bad things are happening in their midst. All church members are to come in with smiles on their faces. They are never to have problems or bad days. We live in a sin filled world and why they think we are immune to it is beyond my comprehension.
You are right. It is all around us.
Thank you for sharing your heart. I pray that we will all be able to make the best use of these details to protect the ones around us.