Every woman wants to be loved.  That is a fact.  I’m not talking about just the physical act of love, but women want “relationships.”  Women want to know that they are loved by one man and that he is hers exclusively. Women respond to the word love — even when it’s not spoken.  Sometimes just holding a woman’s hand is enough to make her feel genuinely loved.  Women are emotionally wired to crave love!

And, when we crave a love relationship, we are blinded to the truth.

And, as I look back over my married life, I was no different.  I craved love, too.   

The truth is I wanted so badly to get married and begin a beautiful life together with someone that I put on blinders so that I couldn’t see the truth.  I knew when we were dating that John didn’t treat me with respect.  I knew that in the early years of our marriage that John hurt me intentionally at times.  I knew that as the years pressed on that I had a growing fear of being alone.  We had children to take care of and that took money.  I couldn’t leave him — not now.  How would I be able to survive on my own?

And, so the abuse continued.  I forgave him for the gift of the skull for Mother’s Day.  I forgave the fact that our first New Year’s Eve was spent apart by John’s own planning.  I cried when he pushed me away at night, hoping and praying that whatever was wrong with me I could change.  I overlooked.  I forgave.  Again and again, I kept trying to work on changing “me” so that I could make him happy. I tried to look prettier, get thinner, fix my hair nicer, dress more becoming.

I tried everything I knew to fix “me” so that he would love me. 

Why?  Why do women do this?  Why do we stay in horrible relationships?  Why do children live through years and years of abuse and never tell?  Why are we so afraid to call out a molester or a person who could be a molester?  Why are we so afraid of hurting the abuser’s feelings?  I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for me.

Two reasons are at the top of my list.

Number one is because I didn’t want to be alone.  That was a frightening, lonely thought.  Ever since I was a young child I dreamed of one thing — getting married to a Christian man, having children, and living happily ever after!  That’s it.  Plain and simple.  That’s all I ever needed and wanted.

Number two is because when John would treat me horribly, he’d almost always apologize and tell me he was sorry.  I have his lines memorized.  “I’m so sorry I hurt you again.  I promise I’ll try to do better.  I really will.  You are the rock of this family.  You’re the strong one, the glue that holds the family together.  You shine like a diamond.  I love you with all of my heart, and I’m so sorry I hurt you. This time I’ll do better.”

Time and time again, this is what he would say.  And, time and time again, I’d be more than willing to kiss and make up.  Why?  Because I loved him.  Because I wanted to be married.  Because I was afraid to be alone.  Because the pain was easier to live with than separation (so I thought).  Because I hated the word divorce.  Because I was taught to always forgive and forget.  Because he was always gentle when he said those words.  Because I believed him.  I really and truly believed him. Because I didn’t want my children to suffer the pain of seeing us separate because “I” was the one who needed fixing.

So many of you have written me saying I should have left him early on.  Others cannot understand why I stayed and continued to be his greatest supporter.  Others don’t understand how children get swept up into the tight net of emotional and sexual abuse.  Many of you don’t understand why I didn’t go to someone and talk about what was going on.  Others want to know why young children don’t speak up when someone molests them.

Why?  Because when you have two conflicting emotions love always wins out.  We want to believe we are loved!  We need to believe we are loved!  We long to hear the words “I love you” spoken to us. And, pedophiles know this!

The conflict is between abuse and love.  You can beat a child and that child will still come back to you if you smile and say I love you.  They will be full of fear.  They will hurt.  They will become anxious. But, always that child will come back.  Why?  Because children want so badly to be loved!  And, pedophiles are well aware of this!  They’re counting on a child allowing abuse to continue just so they can hear how special they are, how much they are loved, and how they are the only one.  Yes, pedophiles know all of the right words to use when molesting!

Do you see how easily the pedophile/abuser can create such confusion for the ones being used and manipulated that they don’t see the truth?  They don’t want to believe the truth.  They don’t want to admit that something is terribly wrong.  Why?  Because to do that would mean that they are not loved — not in the true sense.

To “tell” would mean, “I believed lie after lie.  I trusted him.  I was a fool.”

Besides that, we want to forgive.  We’re taught that from little up.  “If you want peace in your life, you must forgive.”  “If you’re a Christian, you must turn the other cheek and forgive.”  “In order to be forgiven, you must first forgive.”  “Forgiveness is the key to changing a sinner’s heart.”  “Jesus died for sinners.  You are to forgive like the son of God.”

And, on and on and on and on it goes.  We are brainwashed to forgive, but we’re not brainwashed to stop those who are doing wrong!!  What a conflicting message we’re being taught!

Listen to me please.  Just because a person says I’m sorry doesn’t mean that person is going to change!! 

Listen to me again.  “Just because a person says I’m sorry does not mean that person is going to change!”  That’s a hard pill to swallow especially when we are craving love.

Somehow in our mixed up way of thinking, we’ve actually given the pedophile our blessing to continue on without even knowing it.  And, we’re teaching our children to do the same.

We can forgive without tolerating wrongful behavior and that’s the part we often fail to practice.  Forgiveness is not tolerating wrong.  Forgiveness is being strong enough to say no.  Forgiveness is saying I can love your soul but I cannot live with your harmful actions.  Forgiveness is seeing the truth and no longer believing the lies.  Forgiveness is no longer being hiding, but dealing with the problem.  Forgiveness is saying you will be responsible for your own actions.  Forgiveness is no longer covering up for a person.

Forgiveness is complex, yet so clear. Forgiveness is knowing when to say “no” and loving yourself enough to walk away. 

Remind yourself often that love — real love — does not hurt.  Love does not hurt children.  Love does all it can to keep our children safe.  Love does not lie.  Love does not plan harm for another.  Love does not hurt, then carelessly say, “I’m sorry.”

Please listen to your children.  Talk to them about the difficult things in life.  Teach them that you will love them no matter what.

And, listen.  Always listen. In the words of Alan, the pedophile who was sentenced to several life sentences for molesting children, “Provide an open dialogue between you and your children to the point that they feel they can come in, discuss anything with no taboos.  Let them know they’ll get legitimate answers for their questions.  The number one major item is talk to them!”

For the safety of our children, please talk to your children!  Let them know you’re there!

Thank YOU for listening!  If you know of a child who is showing possible signs of abuse, please be that person who is there to listen!  Thank you so much for reading this blog, for sharing it with others, and thank you for your many comments.

Please don’t ever place blame on the victims of abuse.  Remember that victims need our love and our support.  The right kind of love — not lies that shatter and break a soul!  Pedophiles prey on the innocence of children by saying, “I’m sorry.”  They act kind and gentle  under the guise of deceitful lies! Horrible lies!  It’s time to stop allowing them to get away with this!  It’s time to create a safe place for our children!  All children should be able to feel safe and loved in the truest sense.

Begin listening to your children today!  Begin talking to your children right now!  It’s time to stop pedophiles in their tracks and one of the best ways we can do that is by talking and listening to our children!

Love,

Clara