If you’ve been following along with my story, you know that by now John and I had been in a rocky marriage for a long time.  Actually, I take that back.  He thought it was a wonderful marriage.  I was the one who was constantly confused, upset, hurt, crying, disillusioned, and often felt like I was a bit on the crazy side.  He was a difficult man to figure out and by now I had all but quit trying!

This particular event I’m going to tell you about took place in the summer.  It was a warm, lovely Friday evening as I remember, and John had been away all week working insurance.  He was running on a super high as he had planned a weekend youth retreat for the church.  Those events always got him charged up.  He was like another person when he was around young people!  That’s when he lit up and came to life!

With me he was quiet, had nothing to say, and would literally fall asleep while I was trying to talk to him.  I honestly believed that the only reason he was married to me was to have someone to keep up with his laundry, take care of the kids, the bills, and all of the household chores, and to have a delicious home-cooked meal ready for him on those occasions when he was home.

Little by little our marriage was dying, and deep within my soul I knew it. He was going to a campground that was only a twenty minute drive away from where we lived.  John had talked this up big and promoted the weekend.  There were a dozen or more kids going, and only one other chaperone going along with him.

This was a “mixed” retreat — boys and girls, and they were all staying in one lodge.  The guys had one side and the girls had the other.  It was always interesting to me that NEVER did a female chaperone go along!  John always made it clear that he could handle everything.  And, the male chaperone going couldn’t stay for the night, so John was “the man in charge” which is exactly how he loved it.

Shortly after getting the kids to bed this particular night, my youngest woke up and was a bit fretful.  She was getting a summer cold and didn’t feel well, so I decided to go into the living room with her and hold her for a while until she felt better.  We sat  in the dark enjoying the soft, gentle breeze coming in through the screened windows.

You know how you get a feeling that something isn’t right?  Well, that feeling overcame me suddenly and I bolted upright clutching my daughter close to me.  I whispered, “Please be quiet while mommy listens real close.”  I held her close and felt her heart beating against my chest as I listened.

Yes, I heard it again.  Somebody was outside of the window!!!  

Then, I saw a shadow cast across the room and that’s when I held my hand tightly over my daughter’s mouth so she wouldn’t scream out loud.  I was breathing heavy while  silently begging God for wisdom to know what to do!  The other kids were tucked safely in their beds, but I had an intruder who was now pushing against the screen window trying to get in!

I decided to make a dash on all fours to the kitchen to grab my butcher knife.  That was the only weapon I had and I knew that I could use it to fight off whoever that was in order to protect my children.  I prayed to God that the intruder couldn’t see me crouched down crawling.  I kept my hand tightly over my daughter’s mouth to keep her from screaming as I clutched her little body tightly against mine making my way to the kitchen.

After what seemed like the longest sixty seconds of my life, I made it and in one quick swoop I grabbed the knife and pressed against the wall where I could see the intruder’s shadow.  He was still there pushing against the screen.

I had the old-time window screens that push out.  They really weren’t secure, but at that time in life we really didn’t need to worry much about any intruders.  We lived in the safest neighborhood around!  I had no idea who this psycho could be, but I was armed and ready!

I placed my daughter under the kitchen table and whispered to be very quiet while mommy checked on something.  I prayed asking God to give me the strength I needed to protect my children.

And, that’s when I made my move!  I took a flying leap across the room and with one quick stab I sent the butcher knife right through that screen!!!  I pulled it back and stabbed again and again screaming, “I’ll kill you!  Get out of here or I’ll kill you!”

Please don’t write me and tell me that I wasn’t following the law because to be totally truthful, I would do anything to keep my children safe — even put a knife through someone who was trying to break into my home!

I heard a loud scream from a man, and then the most devious laughter I have ever heard in my life.  My arms still get chills even as I’m retelling this story.  The voice yelled, “Stop, you idiot!  It’s just me!  I was just trying to see what you’d do if a burglar came in the middle of the night!”

I fell to my knees sobbing as my little ones came running up to me to see what was going on.  By now all of the kids were awake and the lights in the house were all on — shining on the butcher knife and the slashes in the screen.

John came bouncing in the house laughing a hideous laugh.  “I want to cook the kids eggs and bacon over and open fire for breakfast and I realized I didn’t have the right size pan so I decided to come home to get it.  I thought I’d have a little fun while I was here.  I could see your shadow sitting in the dark in the living room.”

He had parked the car at the end of our very long driveway and stealthily crept up to the house with full intentions of staging a break-in.  Why?  Why in heaven’s name would the man I was married to do something like that to his wife and children?  I’ve asked myself that question a million times over.  Why?

Love wants to protect those we love, not cause them harm.  Never does love want to intentionally harm those we love!

This should have been a waving red flag to me that something was very, very wrong with John.   I was scared out of my mind and for years after that I had trouble sleeping.  In fact, every now and then I still wake up in panic as I remember that moment.  My daughter who was with me through that had nightmares for a long time after that.

But, John thought it was funny.  He never apologized.  He never said he was sorry.  It was something he laughed at and said, “You’re one crazy woman.  I didn’t know you had it in you to grab a knife.”

I’ve often wondered if that was some kind of a test he gave me.  Was he seeing if I was totally weak and helpless without him?  What was it he was trying to do?  Was he trying to make me crazy?

I do know he mocked me.  He made me feel foolish.  He scared his own children half to death.  And, you know what?  I begged him to stay home with us that night because we were so shaken up, but he looked at me and said ever so calmly, “I can’t stay here.  They need me at the campsite.  I have to cook breakfast for them and lead the morning devotional.”

And off he went.

Control.  Manipulation.  Power.  All signs of abuse.  His plan was to make me feel weak — to beg for him to stay.  And, what a thrill it must have been for him to turn and walk away.  He was in charge.  He was in control.

Listen to me carefully.  This is how pedophiles work!  They plan.  They make certain that they have an airtight support system.  They test people.  They use shock methods.  They traumatize.  And, they get away with it.

Do you know that it was years until I told anyone about this incident?  Do you know why?  Because I didn’t want anyone to know that I used that knife!!!  John told me over and over again how wrong I was — how crazy I was — to pull that knife.  He made me feel like I was a criminal.  His words kept swirling through my head, “You could have killed me.  What would you have done then?  How would you have explained that to the kids that you killed their own father?”

I was made to feel like the one who had done wrong!  I believed his lies.  Once again I believed his lies!

Pedophiles are masterful mind manipulators and liars and don’t you ever underestimate what they will do in order to gain full control!  They quietly harm and then make you think you’re the one in the wrong!  They cause you to doubt yourself.  They cause you to be filled with fear.  Their lies control you.  They control you!

As you think about this, think about what this man must have done and said to children he molested.  I will never forget his evil laugh that night!  I can honestly say that in that moment I feared for my life.  As I looked at John I knew I didn’t really know him.

And, yet…..I kept our secret  hidden.  I never told.

Please don’t do as I did!  If you are in a situation like I was speak out and speak loud!  We need to stop protecting these abusive liars!  This man who did this cruel act committed far more cruel, horrendous acts of abuse on young children throughout the years.  His heart was evil, his mind was sordid, and he made others  he abused feel small and wrong and belittled all the while gaining more and more love from the people he so masterfully charmed.

This, my friends, is how pedophiles molest children.  They charm them, then scare them, then molest them.  They lie to them, they threaten them, they make them feel so wrong inside.  They confuse them, they torture them with their lies.  They frighten them until they hide so deep inside of themselves that they cannot speak.  This is childhood molestation and it’s going on every day.  We must — absolutely must — do all we can to put an end to these horrible crimes!

Please be a voice for the children.  Don’t keep silent as I did.  When something seems so wrong, listen to your inner voice and believe in yourself!  Stop listening to the lies!  Find someone to talk to and hold the abuser accountable!  Please let’s do all we can to prevent this abuse from happening to our children

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for taking to heart what I have shared. Thank you for wanting to learn more about how this type of abuse takes place. If you are interested in knowing more about how to put safety guidelines in place at your church, in your home, at your daycare, your school, on your playgrounds, please contact me. I have begun conducting “Safe Kids Workshops” and would be honored to come speak to you. Please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com .

We are a growing voice! For the sake of our children, let’s keep talking, learning, and growing together!
Love,
Clara