The amount of readers to this blog is mind-boggling to me. Never in a million years did I expect so much interest in this topic. What I’m learning is the sad fact that there is so much abuse that has been kept silent that it’s frightening. Because of the silence of those who have been abused, the molesters have had the freedom to do as they please with little repercussions, if any. Why? Because most children who have been abused keep quiet. They’re embarrassed. They’re afraid. They’re humiliated. And, they don’t think anyone will believe them. And, sadly, our laws aren’t designed to fully protect them!
But, that is changing! Silence no more! Victims are turning into survivors! They are learning to speak up and speak out and they are being heard! Every time you read one of these posts and you share it, you’ve done your part in diluting the power of the molester and you are encouraging the victim who is gaining the courage to become the survivor.
Thank you! Thank you so much for doing your part in being a voice for the children!
If you are new to this blog, I’d strongly suggest that you begin here.
By this time in our married lives, I was “okay” with life. I had a house filled with children, and they made me happy. John was gone mostly every week working insurance, and we all had adjusted to that routine. He generally came home Friday nights and stayed through Sunday afternoon. It’s amazing how quickly a family can adapt when they have to do it! And, yes, he remained the preacher for our local congregation.
The hard thing for me was knowing that when John came home, he had made little to no provision for time alone with me, his wife. Somehow, time with me always seemed to get knocked to the bottom of the priority list and it was expected of me to be happy with that. Secretly I would cry. I was lonely and I would wait all week long for him to come home. I wanted nothing more than to spend alone time with my husband.
I would daydream all week long of John walking through the door, giving me a great big hug, swinging me around, and saying, “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you and how much I love you!” I would lay in bed and think about what I would say to him when he spoke those words to me.
Instead, when he came home (after being away an entire week), the very first thing he did was to lift up the lids of the pots on the stove and say, “What’s for supper?”. After that, he’d walk to the bedroom, change into sweat pants, eat in silence, and then go downstairs to “go over paperwork.” What a let down when he turned and walked away from me yet another time.
Always, always I wondered what was wrong with me. He just didn’t seem interested.
There was something else that was bothering more and more. And, that was the way John acted with others in front of me. Sometimes I would blink my eyes two times or more just wondering if I really saw things right. Or, was I imagining what I was seeing because I was hurt and feeling abandoned by him?
Pay attention to these red flags because they are of major importance! I never said one word to him about these things even though his actions seemed odd, strange, inappropriate, and wrong! Why? For the same reasons that victims of sexual abuse never speak up. I was afraid. I felt embarrassed. I thought I was somehow the cause of his inappropriate actions. And, who was going to believe me if I did say something? Certainly not anyone from church! He was the hero — the coolest preacher ever!
1. The first time I saw this, I had to re-think this over and over thousands of times questioning myself if it really happened. Just as quick as lightning, John pulled his pants down (yes, underwear and all) and bared his entire bottom to a group of girls. Why? He said he was just joking and teasing and said ever so quickly, “Don’t look now, but I’m gonna moon you!”
And, he did! Yes, that’s right. The odd thing was that the girls didn’t seem at all put off by this or surprised or upset. Instead, he was just more fun to them than ever! This was done on many occasions and almost always in front of our own children (because he was “mooning” their friends). It was a shock effect, but nobody reacted adversely — not one of us! Pedophiles love using the shock effect as a test to see how far they can go without anyone telling!
2. John loved to pick up little girls and hold them in their crotch (between their legs), and balance them high in the air with one hand. Mothers would ask him to stop — they were afraid he was going to drop their child. I used to turn and look away. I couldn’t stand it. I just knew he’d end up hurting a child.
What’s wrong with this? His hand positions on the child — always, always hands in crotch. And, his total disrespect of a parent’s boundaries for their child! And, knowing what I now know about a pedophile’s behavior, this was a way of exciting himself!
3. John loved to change diapers. Honestly, if I never changed another diaper in all of my life I’d be happy. Not John. He’d always whisk up a child and say, “Phew! I smell something bad in here. Let’s go get you changed.” And, away he went with the child’s diaper bag to change the child’s diaper in a back bedroom or someplace in the church that was private. I thought it was weird that he’d want to change somebody else’s child’s diaper, but now it’s a lot more than weird. It’s a waving red flag that something was very wrong!!!!
4. The first time John did this, I threw the sight of this to the back of my mind because I kept thinking, “There is no way I saw him do that. Absolutely no way!” But, I did see it, and I kept seeing it. John would “tweak a boob” as he called it. Just as quick as lightning, he’d grab a girl’s breast and squeeze her (reaching for her nipple) leaving both the child and me in shock! And, yes, he even did that in church in front of adults. And, no. Nobody (including me) ever said anything.
Obviously, he was again using the shock effect. And, it worked! He got his jollies and nobody said a word. Not a soul called him out on this!
5. John loved to “wrestle” with little kids — tackling them, tickling them, and rolling around with them on the floor. It was embarrassing to me to see him act so immature, and I’d ask him time and time again not to do that. But, he continued. Why would a man of 35 years plus do this with little kids? He said he loved to “loosen kids up and get them to laugh.” I believed him, even though I didn’t like what he was doing. This should have been a big red flag to me that there was something more involved than immaturity!
Rolling around on the floor drawing children up close against him was another way of getting physical pleasure AND of grooming children. This is a tactic used by many molesters. Little children feel pleasure when touched in private places and they don’t understand what’s going on. Bingo! Exactly what the pedophile wants to happen!
6. Snapping a little girl’s training bra was another favorite. He loved that “little teeny bopper age” as he called it when girls were “just sprouting their boobs.” I would yell at him to stop it, but he’d only laugh. “You’re too uptight. These kids never get to have any fun. Their parents are like dried up prune pits. They don’t know how to laugh with their kids. This is nothing but kids having fun.” Again, I fell for it thinking maybe I was the prude — one of the ones who was a dried up prune pit.
Do you see what was going on here? Do you see how John was getting away with things right in front of adults? Can you see how this is called “grooming”? He was “in training” — testing. Testing to see just what he could do right in front of an audience without anyone thinking ill of him. He was a master! Every move of the hand was calculated, planned, and well thought out. He was playing games with the adults (who was going to question this fine, trusting man?) while he was stimulating himself by touching breasts, grabbing between little girls’ legs, and baring his own adult male body in front of these pre-pubescent girls.
I’m sick as I think about it. Totally sick. Once again I fell for his horrid lies. He often told me that I was no fun. I didn’t know how to joke and tease. He knew my father wasn’t this kind of man, so he’d often say, “You grew up in a home where your father wasn’t really a father. You had no male role models, so that’s why you can’t see how funny this is.”
He did a great job convincing me that I was the one who was thinking wrong! And, this is just how a pedophile works to lure your child, trick the parents, and get away with molesting children without any fear whatsoever of anyone telling!
Please, please think about these red flags I’ve just shared with you! It’s NOT okay for a grown man to bare his privates in front of kids “just for fun.” It’s NOT okay to grab little children between their crotch! It’s NOT okay to ever touch a girl’s breast or squeeze her nipples! It’s NOT okay to rub your adult body up against a small child and force them to feel your adult body being excited! It’s NOT okay to take a small child to a back room and take off a diaper and use your hands to excite yourself.
NONE OF THIS IS OKAY!!!!! NONE OF IT!!!!!! Together we must be aware, we must do all we can to keep our children safe, and we must continue to be a voice for our children.
I didn’t have the information you now have. I didn’t even know what a pedophile was and I was married to one. Please learn from my pain. Please listen to what I have to say. Please pay attention, and do all you can to keep our children safe!
I hope to be posting a link within the week along with a form letter template to send to our lawmakers. We need changes in our laws and in order to do that we need to create a voice with those who make the laws. I’m hoping that you will help!
Love,
Clara
PS For more information on child abuse, please visit my son’s blog — written from the heart of the son of a pedophile.
When you described ‘tweaking a boob’ I felt physically ill.
If somebody pulled down their pants in public in front of people, he’d get arrested for indecent exposure. And yet he got away with that!
Snapping kid’s bras, holding little girls by their crotch – how did parents put up with it? If one of my kids would have told me about things like that, or if I would see another man, any man! do that to any of my children, I would have had a fit! But then I’ve never fit in anyway, and don’t care if I make a commotion when it comes to my kids. My husband on the other hand was always more concerned about the offending person being offended by me, than he was for the welfare of his own children.
I also hate changing stinky diapers. I do change my grandchildren’s diapers when babysitting them, because somebody has to do it. But liking it? No way. And I am sure men in general like it even less. So, a man volunteering to change somebody else’s kid’s stinky bum? That is extremely suspicious for sure!
He must have had you so afraid of him to never say anything! I can’t imagine how badly you feel for seeing this behaviour and not openly questioning it.
But you’re speaking up now. You’re making a difference now, and God is using you in special ways to save children from other men like John.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Karin, It made ME physically ill to write about this, but it had to be shared. Why? Because pedophiles have such a power over a person’s mind that they can get away with just about anything, and they know it! Keep in mind, you’re reading this AFTER the fact. These things were happening during a time when our family, the church, our friends, thought John was next to God himself! And, “the hand is quicker than the eye” certainly applies to pedophiles. You’re left thinking, “Did this really happen? Did I just see that?” And, you walk away thinking, “No, that really didn’t just happen.” Or, “Well, maybe I’m just a prude for thinking that’s not funny.”
Plus, most of us don’t want to call anybody out for fear of being put on the spot. So many times I’ve wanted to say something to parents who are shaking their kids or screaming at them in Wal-Mart or the mall, but I haven’t spoken up. Why? Because I don’t want the parent lashing out on me or telling me to mind my own business. And, then I feel totally ashamed that I didn’t say anything. 🙁
That’s how it was with John. And, also remember he was doing these things at a time when nobody was thinking about pedophiles. As I’ve said before, I didn’t even know what a pedophile was and I was living with one!
Thank you so much for being the person you are — obviously you are on the lookout at all times for your children! And, that’s how every parent should be, and through this blog I hope to educate others and empower them so that they will be, too!
I appreciate your comment so much!
The shock effect does work! So does having a high standing in the church, generous and helpful personality, making the kids laugh, etc.
There was a man that we used to go to church with who was always the first to help with anything. He was very involved with the children’s ministry and never sat with his own family but instead was sacrificial by standing in the back of the building holding a new mom’s baby so that she could have a break. He also loved playing with the little kids but often pushed his own daughter, who was 10, away. He would throw them, chase them, roll on the floor with them all at the church building or other church functions. One Sunday morning he crawled under the pews chasing my son. I got after my kid for crawling on the floor but his standing in the church intimidated me too much to say anything to him. I know of two occasions when the elders asked him to stop being so rowdy with the kids. My husband had told this man several times to stop tossing our kids, but he must have had a short term memory. My husband was unable to make church regularly due to work and I saw this behavior escalate when I was at church alone and I ended up just not going unless my husband was with me.
This man was so loved by so many that I felt I would be chastised if I spoke against him. I never saw him touch anyone in a private place, however I did find out that he took my son to the bathroom once after Sunday school. My son was old enough to not need help and I was absolutely sick. We stopped attending this church shortly after this.
A couple years after we left, we came back for a potluck visit and I noticed that some of the boys who used to love playing with him now avoided him. He in turn seemed to be extra critical of these boys and reprimanded them publicly.
I say all this to bring awareness to the fact that there are dangerous people right under our noses even in church and yea, they do know how to manipulate the room of adults. I think sometimes adults just don’t want to see the behavior as bad. To my knowledge, no one has ever accused this man of hurting their children, but if anyone ever did I would not be surprised.
Thank you so much for your comment! You have no idea how many important things you’ve said. As adults we get sucked into this, “He’s such a wonderful person” thing that we feel horrible for thinking badly about this person. It would not surprise me at all if the man you described has done harm to these children. And, kudos to you for having the courage it takes to step out and to step away when this man would not stop crossing boundaries you had set for your children.
I love the way you say, “He must have had a short term memory” — that is one of the “red flags” of a pedophile. You can tell them a thousand times, “Do NOT do that with my child”, and they simply will not listen. It’s always their hope and ploy that you will give up.
Thanks for sharing this information!!!
When I read this, an old post in a forum some years back popped into my mind. A mother and her early or pre teen daughter had gone to the pediatrician, and for some reason he had to check in the girl’s panties. It was quick, but the poor girl was mortified. I wish I could find the post, but it was so long ago (probably at least 5 years), but if I could, I would tell her the guy is probably a pedophile testing the waters, and to find another doctor stat!
I’m wondering about something; maybe you could suggest what I could do. There is a guy that sometimes shows up at the church we used to to to go to. Once he gave my daughter a gift; it was a wooden put-together scorpion. Kind of strange–she was only 6 and too young to do it alone. I didn’t think anything of it, until later he stopped me in the parking lot of the grocery store and asked me to say hi to my daughter. He did not greet me at all, just asked me to tell her hi and walked off. By that time I had been reading your blog, so alarm bells started peeling in my mind. I told my husband about the two incidents, and he said it sounded like something a pedophile would do. He hasn’t been reading your blog, but he is a social worker with child services, so he knows about these things.
We haven’t been to that church for a few months (not because of him; we have found a church we enjoy more). But there are a few children in that church. I just wonder if I should tell someone there about it. Like the grandmother of another girl about the size of my daughter (she’s older but small for her age). His ex-wife and son live nearby and sometimes attend there, and his son has exchange students in his home most of the year (elementary age students). Nothing has happened to my daughter as far as I can tell (for which I am very thankful), but I would hate for something to happen to someone else. What would you do if you were in my situation?
After reading this a couple of times and knowing what I know, I would alert the church. But, I’ll give you fair warning. In my experiences so far, nothing will be done. Why? People don’t want to hear things like this, especially not in churches. It would cause too much of an upset for them.
Our society really needs to wake up! By the way, I think the guy you’re talking about most definitely has “red flags” and should be carefully watched around children at all times!
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With all the talk of enjoying the diaper changes and mooning your children’s friends, I am wondering……did he molest your children as well? If so, did they ever tell you? Weren’t there signs from the children that their father was being inappropriate with them or maybe that their friends had told them about incidents happening to them?