The amount of readers to this blog is mind-boggling to me. Never in a million years did I expect so much interest in this topic. What I’m learning is the sad fact that there is so much abuse that has been kept silent that it’s frightening. Because of the silence of those who have been abused, the molesters have had the freedom to do as they please with little repercussions, if any. Why? Because most children who have been abused keep quiet. They’re embarrassed. They’re afraid. They’re humiliated. And, they don’t think anyone will believe them. And, sadly, our laws aren’t designed to fully protect them!
But, that is changing! Silence no more! Victims are turning into survivors! They are learning to speak up and speak out and they are being heard! Every time you read one of these posts and you share it, you’ve done your part in diluting the power of the molester and you are encouraging the victim who is gaining the courage to become the survivor.
Thank you! Thank you so much for doing your part in being a voice for the children!
If you are new to this blog, I’d strongly suggest that you begin here.
By this time in our married lives, I was “okay” with life. I had a house filled with children, and they made me happy. John was gone mostly every week working insurance, and we all had adjusted to that routine. He generally came home Friday nights and stayed through Sunday afternoon. It’s amazing how quickly a family can adapt when they have to do it! And, yes, he remained the preacher for our local congregation.
The hard thing for me was knowing that when John came home, he had made little to no provision for time alone with me, his wife. Somehow, time with me always seemed to get knocked to the bottom of the priority list and it was expected of me to be happy with that. Secretly I would cry. I was lonely and I would wait all week long for him to come home. I wanted nothing more than to spend alone time with my husband.
I would daydream all week long of John walking through the door, giving me a great big hug, swinging me around, and saying, “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you and how much I love you!” I would lay in bed and think about what I would say to him when he spoke those words to me.
Instead, when he came home (after being away an entire week), the very first thing he did was to lift up the lids of the pots on the stove and say, “What’s for supper?”. After that, he’d walk to the bedroom, change into sweat pants, eat in silence, and then go downstairs to “go over paperwork.” What a let down when he turned and walked away from me yet another time.
Always, always I wondered what was wrong with me. He just didn’t seem interested.
There was something else that was bothering more and more. And, that was the way John acted with others in front of me. Sometimes I would blink my eyes two times or more just wondering if I really saw things right. Or, was I imagining what I was seeing because I was hurt and feeling abandoned by him?
Pay attention to these red flags because they are of major importance! I never said one word to him about these things even though his actions seemed odd, strange, inappropriate, and wrong! Why? For the same reasons that victims of sexual abuse never speak up. I was afraid. I felt embarrassed. I thought I was somehow the cause of his inappropriate actions. And, who was going to believe me if I did say something? Certainly not anyone from church! He was the hero — the coolest preacher ever!
1. The first time I saw this, I had to re-think this over and over thousands of times questioning myself if it really happened. Just as quick as lightning, John pulled his pants down (yes, underwear and all) and bared his entire bottom to a group of girls. Why? He said he was just joking and teasing and said ever so quickly, “Don’t look now, but I’m gonna moon you!”
And, he did! Yes, that’s right. The odd thing was that the girls didn’t seem at all put off by this or surprised or upset. Instead, he was just more fun to them than ever! This was done on many occasions and almost always in front of our own children (because he was “mooning” their friends). It was a shock effect, but nobody reacted adversely — not one of us! Pedophiles love using the shock effect as a test to see how far they can go without anyone telling!
2. John loved to pick up little girls and hold them in their crotch (between their legs), and balance them high in the air with one hand. Mothers would ask him to stop — they were afraid he was going to drop their child. I used to turn and look away. I couldn’t stand it. I just knew he’d end up hurting a child.
What’s wrong with this? His hand positions on the child — always, always hands in crotch. And, his total disrespect of a parent’s boundaries for their child! And, knowing what I now know about a pedophile’s behavior, this was a way of exciting himself!
3. John loved to change diapers. Honestly, if I never changed another diaper in all of my life I’d be happy. Not John. He’d always whisk up a child and say, “Phew! I smell something bad in here. Let’s go get you changed.” And, away he went with the child’s diaper bag to change the child’s diaper in a back bedroom or someplace in the church that was private. I thought it was weird that he’d want to change somebody else’s child’s diaper, but now it’s a lot more than weird. It’s a waving red flag that something was very wrong!!!!
4. The first time John did this, I threw the sight of this to the back of my mind because I kept thinking, “There is no way I saw him do that. Absolutely no way!” But, I did see it, and I kept seeing it. John would “tweak a boob” as he called it. Just as quick as lightning, he’d grab a girl’s breast and squeeze her (reaching for her nipple) leaving both the child and me in shock! And, yes, he even did that in church in front of adults. And, no. Nobody (including me) ever said anything.
Obviously, he was again using the shock effect. And, it worked! He got his jollies and nobody said a word. Not a soul called him out on this!
5. John loved to “wrestle” with little kids — tackling them, tickling them, and rolling around with them on the floor. It was embarrassing to me to see him act so immature, and I’d ask him time and time again not to do that. But, he continued. Why would a man of 35 years plus do this with little kids? He said he loved to “loosen kids up and get them to laugh.” I believed him, even though I didn’t like what he was doing. This should have been a big red flag to me that there was something more involved than immaturity!
Rolling around on the floor drawing children up close against him was another way of getting physical pleasure AND of grooming children. This is a tactic used by many molesters. Little children feel pleasure when touched in private places and they don’t understand what’s going on. Bingo! Exactly what the pedophile wants to happen!
6. Snapping a little girl’s training bra was another favorite. He loved that “little teeny bopper age” as he called it when girls were “just sprouting their boobs.” I would yell at him to stop it, but he’d only laugh. “You’re too uptight. These kids never get to have any fun. Their parents are like dried up prune pits. They don’t know how to laugh with their kids. This is nothing but kids having fun.” Again, I fell for it thinking maybe I was the prude — one of the ones who was a dried up prune pit.
Do you see what was going on here? Do you see how John was getting away with things right in front of adults? Can you see how this is called “grooming”? He was “in training” — testing. Testing to see just what he could do right in front of an audience without anyone thinking ill of him. He was a master! Every move of the hand was calculated, planned, and well thought out. He was playing games with the adults (who was going to question this fine, trusting man?) while he was stimulating himself by touching breasts, grabbing between little girls’ legs, and baring his own adult male body in front of these pre-pubescent girls.
I’m sick as I think about it. Totally sick. Once again I fell for his horrid lies. He often told me that I was no fun. I didn’t know how to joke and tease. He knew my father wasn’t this kind of man, so he’d often say, “You grew up in a home where your father wasn’t really a father. You had no male role models, so that’s why you can’t see how funny this is.”
He did a great job convincing me that I was the one who was thinking wrong! And, this is just how a pedophile works to lure your child, trick the parents, and get away with molesting children without any fear whatsoever of anyone telling!
Please, please think about these red flags I’ve just shared with you! It’s NOT okay for a grown man to bare his privates in front of kids “just for fun.” It’s NOT okay to grab little children between their crotch! It’s NOT okay to ever touch a girl’s breast or squeeze her nipples! It’s NOT okay to rub your adult body up against a small child and force them to feel your adult body being excited! It’s NOT okay to take a small child to a back room and take off a diaper and use your hands to excite yourself.
NONE OF THIS IS OKAY!!!!! NONE OF IT!!!!!! Together we must be aware, we must do all we can to keep our children safe, and we must continue to be a voice for our children.
I didn’t have the information you now have. I didn’t even know what a pedophile was and I was married to one. Please learn from my pain. Please listen to what I have to say. Please pay attention, and do all you can to keep our children safe!
I hope to be posting a link within the week along with a form letter template to send to our lawmakers. We need changes in our laws and in order to do that we need to create a voice with those who make the laws. I’m hoping that you will help!
Love,
Clara
PS For more information on child abuse, please visit my son’s blog — written from the heart of the son of a pedophile.
Some thing I have been wondering. I realize that a lot of people avoid the subject because it makes them feel uncomfortable etc BUT how do most pedophiles react when the subject is brought up ? Do they change the subject ? act all horrified as in “Oh that is so terrible” ? Reason I ask is because I can think of several times that I have been in situations where the subject has been brought up and they reacted – both times it was a ” dont ever talk about this again”. The one individual I suspect now MIGHT have been involved -the other I have no reason to suspect -but the reaction seemed a bit odd. Was wondering how your husband reacted if anyone ever mentioned it -or if it was considered a topic off limits ?
What a great question! John was repulsed when he heard of any type of abuse to children. He preached fire and brimstone about such actions from the pulpit. From what I’ve grown to understand, a pedophile does not see his/her actions as too terrible wrong. Instead, they will tell you that the children came on to them and they were the ones forced to do things they didn’t want. In some of John’s letters from prison, he has said, “It wasn’t me. It was them. They were the ones that chased after me.”
It makes me sick. Literally. Again, a very good question!
They deceive others and they deceive themselves. Bible verse says something like that
Shirley, This is an excellent question and one that needs addressed. John preached many sermons on the sins of harming children in any way. He made many comments about gay people saying, “They better not ever try anything with one of our kids!” (A very odd statement, but one he’d say quite often.)
In public, John would “trash” people who caused any harm to children……..BUT when his pedophilia escalated the last two years to where there were red flags waving everywhere, he was defensive of those who were punished for raping children. I got very angry with him many times because he defended a family member (not a blood relative) who was arrested for child rape. He kept saying, “You don’t know the whole story. I have forgiven him.” Really? So, it’s okay to rape a child? Really? John didn’t make sense. Now I see it more clearly. In his earlier years when NOBODY suspected him, he could get away with trashing molesters. Towards the end, when his actions escalated, he wanted to get a message across of “forgiveness” for the molester (no concern for the victim, which sickens me). His concern was for the molester. I’m thinking he knew he was going a bit wild with his actions and maybe people were beginning to catch on. His number was about up.
Good post. I have been around someone recently that ignored all the girls and paid only attention to the boys. I noticed that every time he picked up a boy child he picked them up by their crotch. I felt so uncomfortable. I removed my children and told my sister what I saw. It’s hard because I suspect that person, but how can I prove anything? He is gay, and his best friend is a girl with 7 children. He also takes (so I’ve heard from roommate) a hour and a half long shower every day. My children will never be hurt by him as we will not see him ever again, but I think about other children…
Also, how do you graciously set boundaries? We recently moved and I meant a new friend. Her husband is a pastor. They planned a whole event for them to babysit my children so my husband and I could go on a date. From reading your blog, we have set a boundary that no one will babysit our 4 little children if a male is going to be present in the home. She was so adamant to bless our family with this, but I won’t do it because he will be in the house. I don’t know what excuse to come up with or if I should just tell the truth.
Another question. I understand how awful your husband treated you. How did you act when you would get together with another mom or any close friends/ family. Would you act like you had a great relationship. Where there signs that friends could have looked for in you to know that something wasn’t right? Are most pedophiles abusive to their spouses or just some?
I always feel sick to my stomach after reading you blog post, but I am so thankful. Before being referred to your blog from SmockityFrocks I was so naïve. Thank you for informing so many people so we can better protect at least our children!
Brittany, Thank you for all of the insightful questions. I’ll try to answer each one. The man you described that only likes boys and picks them up by the crotch, etc., is definitely sending off “red flags” — and that is certainly reason for a parent to set secure boundaries for their children NEVER to be alone with him! Please share this blog with people so that they can become aware of the red flags to look for so that we can help keep our children safe!
How do we “graciously” set boundaries? That is a fantastic question! Pedophiles are on the top of the list counting on us to feel “shy” about setting boundaries. I’m not sure we should graciously set boundaries; I’m certain we should boldly set boundaries. These are our children, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “I’ve set certain boundaries for my children’s safety. I appreciate the help you’d like to give, but I make no apologies for not allowing my children to be alone with a man……….” You don’t owe a long explanation. But, you do owe it to your children to keep them safe from all possible harm.
I never put on a super happy face with others about my relationship. But, I never opened up to others, either. I only tried sharing two times, and both times I wasn’t believed, so I did what most abused people do. I kept quiet.
Yes, certainly there were signs that others should have seen in me that something wasn’t right. I often cried all through church. I very seldom was with my husband on outings that should have been for husbands and wives. Nobody ever called or stopped by to ask me why. I developed high blood pressure from nerves. And, I looked sad most of the time. I wished so much that somebody would ask what was wrong, but nobody ever did.
I believe ALL pedophiles are a strong controlling force to their spouses — manipulative, sneaky, liars. Yes, that is considered abuse. However, they are cunning and in control and know how to twist things to make circumstances look (and seem) different than what they are. They are master manipulators!
It is very hard reading this blog — especially for those who have been victimized at the hands of a pedophile. I sincerely appreciate every person who reads this and who becomes more aware of how to keep your children safe. This stuff is for real — we must do all we can to protect our children. And, the smarter we become, the less power a pedophile has!!!
Thanks so much for your questions. This is how we learn and become empowered!
He must have acted that way w/only very “shy”,”insecure”people,because he would have been the one “shocked”! Im a kind,tolerant person,yet,I have a “strong”sense of “bounderies”! Was this a large congregation….did he behave this way in front of 100%of the membership? Did he molest his “own”children as well?
Vicki, It’s very hard to explain how good John was at doing the things he did. He studied people. He knew who, when, and where he could get away with things. He was quick. He was cunning. He was sweet. He was kind. He was the man you’d never suspect. I know we each think we’d never fall prey to a pedophile, but trust me when I say a pedophile is masterful at grooming people.
Large or small congregation doesn’t matter (we were small) — a person with charmisma is loved and adored by most everyone and John was loved and adored. And, you’re so right — he knew just who to prey upon.
Pedophiles aren’t the creepy men who look dirty and unkempt. They are generally respected people of the community who are loved and adored. They are the person you’d never think was doing anything wrong. That’s why it’s so difficult to catch a pedophile by law — they have answers for everything and most victims will not speak up because they’ve been so brainwashed, humiliated, made to feel guilty, and too afraid nobody will believe them. This is a very complex thing — not easy by any means!
I find this almost unbelievable…that Christians continued to let this inappropriate behavior go on. When my older son was a toddler, someone at church was holding him and tossed him into the air (something we did not do), and I remember saying, “Whoa! You don’t do that to my child,” and I took my son away (this person had been tossing another child in the air, and when she asked to hold my son, I told her, “No tossing,” so she knew.) I don’t understand how anyone can be so mesmerized by a person that they allow their child to be touched inappropriately. As a pre-teen I would have probably told my parents about inappropriate touching…would definitely have avoided the person…even though I did not know what a pedophile was, I knew to avoid people who “gave me the creeps.” It’s sad that a congregation can be so enthralled with a preacher (or someone else) that they are blind to the harm the person is doing. Blessings on you, Clara…and on your children.
Deanna, Sometimes I think that Christians are the easiest to manipulate. John had so much charisma — he was likeable! People trusted him full and completely! And, he seemed to know just what he could do with people. He studied people and was masterful at it.
I think you hit on so many things that are important — people were enthralled by him. Many still are. He has a way of making you feel horrible if you don’t like him. He wasn’t standing in the middle of church doing these things — he was quick and crafty — often making you question your own eyes, “Did I really see that?” And, as far as ignoring parents’ boundaries — he forever did that and people didn’t want to hurt HIS feelings so they allowed him to cart off their child, or toss their child in the air. He was forceful — in such a quiet way.
And, many people have commented to me still today as he sits in prison, “I still can’t believe John molested children. Not John. Not him. I just can’t believe it.”
He knew what he was doing. He knew how to manipulate and control people! And, that’s what it’s all about — control!
This is completely shocking to me. If someone mooned our children, my husband would be in his face in five seconds flat. I’d be calling the police. I cannot imagine anyone in our church turning a blind eye to a preacher touching a girls breast. I’d be calling the cops. When I was growing up that would have been shocking, horrifying and worthy of getting fired.
What was WRONG with the people in the church that saw him touching children’s breasts and saying nothing???? I don’t understand how one could see that and say nothing.
I’m so glad you commented! I promise you that the “shock effect” worked, and he knew what people to use it on. He was so quick, that you were left wondering, “Did this really happen? Am I crazy? No! I didn’t really see that! Not from this nice, wonderful, fun man!” It’s called “grooming”, and he was an expert. Nobody said anything for the reasons I mentioned. It was too hard to believe and for the most part we thought, “No, this just can’t be.”
Thanks so much for your input!!!