Thank you for visiting this blog once again and for sharing it with so many others. If you happen to be new here, I would strongly encourage you to start reading from the beginning of this blog on how to protect our children from practicing pedophiles. The blog entries are short, but I can’t promise you that they are easy reading because they are not. You will become uncomfortable. You will begin to question others and their motives. And, if you have been abused, hopefully there will be something you read that will help you to become empowered!
Let’s pick up where we left off the last time in this ongoing unraveling of my story about what it was like to be married to a man who molested children the entire time he and I were married. If only I had known what “red flags” to look for I could have saved children from falling into the trap of this man who used his cunning, divisive ways to lure adults and children alike into his web of lies, deceit, and abuse.
John was now a full-time preacher and for the most part he was adored by his church members — both young and old alike. He had a way of coddling the elderly into liking him immediately. He was soft-spoken, respectful, and always helpful. Let me add he was funny, too. It seems he always had a great story to tell that would get even the crankiest old person smiling.
And, we know he was a hit with kids of all ages. They clung to him — craving his attention. He was the kind of preacher they wanted and loved. He spoke just enough truth to say he was preaching, but he always added humor or some “twist” to what he was saying that left you scratching your head wondering what he just said. Kids loved it. He’d often call kids up on stage and have “bible hour” with the kids — telling them an animated bible story, then having them belt out “Jesus Loves Me” for their parents. Even the most shy children would go to John and do whatever he asked. Parents glowed when their child was up on stage. We all love to see our children excelling — especially when the word “God” is attached. It makes us feel like we’re doing our job as parents — instilling faith in our children from little up.
John had another side to him, though, that he was unveiling slowly. That side was the part of him that did off-the-wall things in church that nobody expected. Throwing a glass of water into the audience to “wake up the sleepers.” Stomping on a bible that he had thrown to the floor exclaiming, “This isn’t the word of God! The word of God lives in your heart — not on the pages in this book!” He even lit a firecracker once and threw it into the audience to prove a point in his sermon! I cringe every time I think of him doing these outlandish things!
People were shocked! I was both shocked and horribly embarrassed. I never knew what surprise a Sunday sermon would bring and it had me on edge all of the time. The weird thing to me was the fact that nobody got too worked up about it, though. And, if they did, he just became the “nice John” and knew just how to smooth things over.
On a particular Saturday in late September, John announced to me that he was going to do some clean-up outside of the parsonage. There wasn’t any yard to speak of — just a big wrap-around porch, so I asked him what he was going to do. There were no leaves to rake, so I couldn’t imagine what yard work he had to do.
“Oh, you’ll see. I’m getting rid of that God-awful ugly ivy that’s growing all over this church building. It’s going to be totally gone by the end of the day!”
Immediately I got really nervous about that. We didn’t own that church building and I didn’t feel we had the right to do any “renovations or changes” without asking the men of the church. John firmly disagreed. “I told you the ivy is going. I can’t wait to see the faces on everyone when they come to church tomorrow.”
I was sick. Should I call someone? I knew he should ask! But, no. I did as I always did and just kept my mouth shut. I went into hiding with the kids for the day. I wanted no parts of this. I hated conflict of any kind and John knew that I’d avoid it all costs.
This ivy happened to be imported ivy from England that had been brought here by the former minister who had preached in that church for forty-nine years. His children loved that building which had also been their home, and they loved their dad and the rich history that everything there represented — including that climbing ivy.
I knew they were going to be irate about John cutting down the ivy! In my mind, though, I pictured him getting tired after an hour and giving up on the job. That ivy climbed all the way up to the flat-roof of the third floor. It covered the walls. It was thick and was rooted to the side of the building. There was no way John could do much damage, so my stomach began to ease some as I went about the rest of the day with the kids.
About 4:00 in the afternoon I smelled smoke. I looked outside and about passed out! John had built a big “ivy brush fire” right on the side of the steps leading into the main auditorium of the church. I could not believe what I saw! Flames were shooting 20 feet high! He had been busy all day with a tall extension ladder chopping, cutting, and pulling those ivy vines until he had every last vine ripped from the building. And, now…..he had set a fire that was one of the biggest I had ever seen!
My heart was racing! What if the building caught on fire? We didn’t have a permit to burn so we were breaking the law! Neighbors came running outside to see what was happening. And, as I glanced at John he was leaning on a hoe with an almost evil smirk on his face as if to say, “Mission accomplished. The ivy is gone.”
The fire burned down after throwing a few bucketfuls of water on it, and it continued to smolder all night long. I was a nervous wreck anticipating what the morning would be like when people arrived at church. John on the other hand was calm and reassuring.
“They’ll be happy I did that. That ugly ivy had to go. It was an eye sore. Besides, it will be funny to see their faces when they drive up and see all of the ivy gone!”
I can assure you it wasn’t funny. People were angry. They were HOT! That ivy had been growing for years and years and had been a cherished part of the architecture. And, now it was all gone.
Do you think this bothered John? Not at all! He laughed and made jokes about it from the pulpit. He told funny stories about dangling off of the ladder as he reached out to yank the last of the ivy down. And, you guessed it. For the most part, everyone was just fine by the time they left that morning except for a few of the family members whose dad had brought that ivy to the church building. They were hurt and angered.
But, you know what? John did it again.
John used his power of control and manipulation and it worked! At the end of Sunday, he laughed as he went to sleep. “That’s the end of the ivy. You won’t see that ugly stuff around here any more.” And, off to bed he went feeling very successful!
Please listen carefully: Do you see what John was doing? This was another one of his tests. How far could he go? Obviously, he meant to cause disruption and pain. He knew what he was doing, and he worked very hard to do it. But, he felt a thrill — a “rush” when nobody challenged him. He had nearly caused a church fire. He had destroyed something very valuable. He had also taken away a keepsake from seven children. (They later stated they would have liked to had at least “some” of the ivy from their dad to grow at their own homes.) John had controlled everyone!
This should have been another red flag to me, but at the time his behavior didn’t mean anything more than him just being weird. It’s much more than that, though. He was “proving” that he was in control. He was in charge. He could control an entire group of people! Oh, how this must have thrilled him! His actions were deliberate and well thought out. He knew what he was doing, and he also was willing to take the risk that he would not receive any repercussions from his actions. And, he was right. John knew the people he was controlling! He read them (including me) like a book!
Listen to the words of Anna Salter from her book, “Predators, Rapists, And Other Sex Offenders” : “What is particularly sobering is just how many crimes psychopath child molesters commit. They are truly a formidable group of criminals. They start young, commit high numbers of crimes with little to no remorse, and don’t seem bothered by being caught or imprisoned.”
Pedophiles are charming and will work very hard to control and manipulate (groom) adults and children alike! This is the first and most important step in the process of gaining access to our children!
Do you know someone with odd behavior like this? Controlling? Manipulative? Hurtful on purpose but doesn’t care? Can charm his way out of a bad situation? Equally controlling of adults and children? Are you in such a situation? Flee! Remove yourself and your children as fast as you can because you will most assuredly get trapped and be hurt!
Pedophiles are smart. They are cunning. They are liars. They are incapable of feeling true remorse for their hurtful actions. They come off as charming and will make you think you’re the crazy one for doubting their actions!
Read the above cycle of abuse. Does it resonate with you? I get sick just reading it. Physically ill. I was always, always walking on egg shells worried what John would do next to try to upset people. I never knew what he was going to do to upset me. And, then he would turn the table and make me think that nothing had happened. I honestly thought time and time again that I was going crazy. That’s part of the control and emotional abuse. Do you see how it works in the life of a pedophile? If he got me AND the church to a point of being controlled by him, then he would have free access to the children — no questions asked.
John was setting the stage, and sadly you will see that as more of this story unfolds. Sadder yet is that my story isn’t the only one like this. Countless others understand what I’m talking about. Emotional abuse almost always precedes physical abuse. Emotional abuse is the power that paralyzes a person from taking action. Emotional abuse creates self-doubt and strips a person of self-worth. Emotional abuse causes a dependency on the abuser. Emotional abuse is frightening and it plays games in your mind. Emotional abuse is a terribly complex action and it harms so many innocent people. Emotional abuse is intentional and the abuser feels no remorse.
Please, for the sake of the children, let’s open our eyes and get smart! Do you see “odd behavior” going on right before you? Do you see someone who is stepping beyond his/her boundaries with your child right in your church, your daycare, your school or your home? Do you feel uncomfortable talking to this person — afraid you will hurt their feelings for calling them out? Do you see odd behavior in your children — withdrawn, depressed, no self-esteem? Perhaps they are victims of abuse!!!
Please let’s wake up! We must learn the indicators of abuse! Speak up. Speak out! Question! Face the person head on. Don’t allow this to continue any more. Pedophiles are everywhere and they begin their “work” by first controlling the adults and then they get to our children!
It’s time to stop these horrible actions! The time is now! For the sake of our children, please learn from my ignorance! Let’s keep our children safe by making it impossible for these molesters to get to our children. Let’s stop them in their tracks — now!
Thanks so much for following along and for spreading the word. Next time, we will pick up this story with “the office on wheels.” I think you’ll be shocked what was discovered!
Love,
Clara
Thank you for your kind words. It helps that somebody believes me and understands.
You’re right when you say that my husband doesn’t feel for others. He isn’t capable of love and empathy at all. And I mean that, he absolutely CANNOT put himself in somebody else’s shoes and understand what they’re going through.
I did have counselling 14 years ago, and learned how to stand up for myself…. and my husband hated that counsellor with a passion! He taught me to have boundaries……… and it helped a great deal. It used to be much worse.
He won’t allow me to have any more counselling, unless he comes, too (to help the counsellor fix ME, as of course I am the only one with problems, because he himself is perfect…… yes, he REALLY believes he doesn’t need to change at all). So, of course, counselling is out. I’ve also stopped letting him drag me to marriage seminars….. we probably went to five or six already…….. but since he only took me to change me, I refuse to go now (just last month he tried again).
I am very much trying to live my own life….. but of course, I have to take his nasty comments about just staying with him for his money, and not loving him enough, even though ‘he works hard to put a roof over my head and food on the table’, and let’s not forget that he has to pay for all my medications and I ‘cost him enough already’ without having to pay for anything else.
Anyway, I know you understand, you were in the same boat. I am so glad though that I don’t have the additional burden of knowing my husband is a pedophile, I can’t imagine how awful that is for you! If I’d suspect something like that, I would get out and manage somehow.
I notice that you are using the same words I used to use: He won’t allow me…….you are the one who needs “fixed”………incapable of love and empathy…. And, on and on it goes. Abusers can make life a living hell and the sad part is they really don’t “get it” and they don’t care. 🙁 My ex husband said all counselors were “quacks”, so he had a fit when I finally got the courage to make the phone call to go. It took me three (3) years to find the strength to pick up the phone and make that call and it was the single greatest thing I’ve done in my life!!! If you can’t get back into counseling, then find places online that can give you help, and buy books that can help you. Don’t allow the abuse to continue!!!!
As sad as all this is, you almost made me laugh. Wouldn’t you know, several years ago my husband asked me if I didn’t agree that he was the greatest husband in the world? And when I said that no, he wasn’t, he told me that one day I’d come around and agree with him. NO, I won’t, ever!
One sad thing is, that I don’t dare make strong friendships in our church, as he will destroy them. He always does!
So, the only friends I can have are people he doesn’t particularly like and isn’t interested in as friends. One couple I’ve been friends with for years, more so with the man than his wife, he’s a real soul mate (I have Asperger Syndrome, diagnosed when I was 50, and he is another ‘Aspie’, I am sure). They get very angry when I tell them what my husband does to me, he’d never win them over to his side.
The same goes for some of his own relatives, cousins and an uncle and aunt, and now his best friend’s wife asked me why I am staying with him. She told me that they can see what he is doing to me without me saying anything.
Anyway, I’m working on it. I’m thinking, planning, praying.
Karin, You’re stronger than you give yourself credit! And, the business of him thinking he’s the best husband in the world —–oh, how I get that! The isolation from close friendships is such a manipulative controlling tool — if he keeps you from those friendships he still has total control. I’m so glad that your working on a plan and that you’re thinking and praying! Keep doing that and one day — the light builb will come on and the plan for you to get out of this abusive situation will all fall into place! My thoughts are with you in a big way!
Wow, I’ve been reading all of your blog….. I was behind, but picked up where I left off, and just read this entry.
As I’ve said before, my husband is not a pedophile, but he is definitely a psychopath and an abuser.
I remember once when on holiday after a seminar he went to (I loved seeing some of North America when going to those, but HATED being with him…. he spoiled everything). We were in Alberta, and had been in the Badlands. He bought bread and sliced meat for our lunch, and set off. He stopped absolutely in the middle of nowhere, to climb on the hills with the intention of finding dinosaur fossils.
There was nowhere for me to go. I am physically not capable of doing any climbing (and then it wasn’t long after having had a fractured ankle, which didn’t help), so I sat there in the car for FIVE hours. Reading, walking around, taking some pictures….. He came at lunch time to eat, but didn’t care when I said I was bored……. after all, I had my book.
When finally I said we needed to go to find a place to stay for the night (we were travelling from one motel to the next in his quest of finding fossils), and asked him if he had made a reservation (I assumed he had), he said that no, he didn’t think that was necessary.
It turned out that it was, as a huge convention was happening, and all the motels and hotels in Drumheller were full.
He finally found a motel with a room on the smoking floor. I told him that wasn’t possible, as I am severely allergic to cigarette smoke… it will give me asthma within minutes.
He said that he had looked at the room, and it hardly smelled like cigarette smoke at all, and I would be fine, and to get out of the car so we could check in.
When I refused and said I’d rather sleep in the car, he got really mad….. and I got angry, too, and yelled at him in the parking lot (a HUGE no no……. humiliating him in public)………. and he looked at me with that EVIL look, saying quietly, “You…….. are……… mentally……… ill!”
I was once more scared, and gave in…… and needed to use my asthma inhalers several times that night and really didn’t sleep a wink. The room smelled quite badly, so much so that I made sure all the luggage was kept closed so our clothing didn’t get that smell on it.
In the morning, he woke up, smiled, and said, “See, you were just fine!” When I said that actually, I wasn’t fine at all and suffered all night, he didn’t believe me.
When we were back home, I said to him one night, that when we were in that parking lot the look in his eyes really scared me. And he said, “Good, I hope that you’ll remember that to know your place in the future!”
I wished I could just walk away. But my whole family is in another country, and he has convinced ALL our children and all the people in our church what an awesome guy he is, and they don’t believe me. I have no skills that would make me enough money to be independent……. and if he would have to pay for my living expenses, he would be able to keep manipulating me anyway, I might as well stay.
Anyway, I sure know how somebody can manipulate everybody around them, and most people don’t see it at all! And my husband isn’t even funny, in fact, he has no sense of humour at all. But he is ‘so sincere’ and ‘concerned’ about the ‘unsaved’…. evangelizing everywhere he goes (clobbering everybody over the head with Jesus, and using the Ten Commandments to scare them into accepting Christ is NOT my way of winning people!). He NEVER goes for a walk without handing out tracts to everybody he meets. I refuse to go for walks with this hypocrite.
Reading this makes my stomach knot up because it brings back so many terrible memories. The control — the selfish, nasty manipulative control — is such a horrible thing to live with day in and day out. It’s especially hard when others don’t see it and they think this person is such a wonderful, good servant of God. It’s a literal gag for me to hear of the way you are treated, while this same person is out evangelizing the world (in a wrong manner, I might add). This type of person enjoys making others miserable and I honestly don’t believe they have the capacity to “feel” for others. In this case, I believe your husband enjoyed seeing you suffer in that room — enjoyed knowing he was in full control and you were at his mercy. I wish it was possible for you to build yourself up little-by-little — perhaps get into some counseling — and find a way to be self-sufficient. Being at the mercy of someone like this is a miserable life. I’m so very sorry. I really, really am so sorry. Be strong!!!
I’ve been there. Eventually I realized it was too unhealthy but still took my time making the transition. We all have our own path, but you have more power than you think. I guarantee it. He may never change, but you can! I suggest making friends outside of his circle. You will feel less isolated. Learn skills with (or just enjoy) online courses if you can’t get out of the house. Get a part time job. Anything that makes you feel valued and good about yourself is good. Be forewarned, the better I felt about myself, the worse the abuse got (I was never physically abused). But the wonderful thing is how he treated me started to hurt less. I stood up for myself more (being appropriate and calm is best). Years in the making, I’m on my own now. Its a lot better here.
Hi Clara, I’m a friend of Ashley and just chanced on her link on FB. You don’t know how helpful it has been to read the above. It has been an incredibly powerful eye opener to understand what drives these men, and has allowed me to gain an understanding into a situation I’m dealing with right at the moment. The man in question has already served time but this was many years ago and those who know him now do not know his past and are taken in by his EXTREME charisma. I am helping to pick up some of the pieces (thankfully not with a child, but the hurt was still devastating) but I simply didn’t understand the power game and this has turned on a floodlight for me re his behaviour! Thank you SO much for sharing with such honesty.
It is always a blessing (to me) to know that others are learning, growing, and getting educated as a result of my former ignorance on this subject. Keep your eyes and ears open at all times. I hate to say it, but most often, once an abuser always an abuser. Once caught, they just get smarter! Keep reading — in the days to come the actions of John became more and more open and brave, yet nobody (including myself) knew what to do. We just passed off his behavior as a bit strange — a little bit weird. And, as you know it was a lot more than that!
I just found your blog and my first reaction is – I’m not alone!!! I’ve read your first and last entries, will read the rest soon. Thank you for sharing your story and what you’ve learned from your experience. I hope it gives courage to others facing similar issues.
I am too familiar with the manipulation and abuse you have documented. Besides trying to live with and understand this behavior for my eleven year marriage, it also reminds me of my dad and his mother, which is why I passed the “tests” my husband gave me, I suppose.
Ten years ago, I drew four curved arrows in a circle onto a slip of paper that I put into my wallet, to inspire me to stop the cycle.
After my divorce, I think I have learned how to judge people better now. It is not complicated or hard to understand, just sometimes hard to do – 1) respect yourself, 2) respect others, 3) expect others to respect you. If someone repeatedly doesn’t seem ‘safe’ or respectful towards me, I make a note of it and don’t allow them into my life. I think that teaching children this all encompassing respect is a huge step in protecting them from becoming a target of an abuser.
Recognizing that a spouse is an abuser of children doesn’t take intelligence, but it takes courage. I’m considered smart, I saw things that seemed odd and, of course, the first thing in my head isn’t that my husband is sexually attracted to that child, its that my husband likes children. A lot. Maybe too much sometimes. But never ‘that. It wasn’t until I had committed myself to leaving him that my mind creaked open just a slit … and I looked around the house to disprove my suspicion. It didn’t work, instead I had proven it. But now, I could do something about stopping it before I left him. And did. Being fearful of my safety if my husband knew what I had found, I secretly arranged a meeting with the FBI. I figured that they were pros and not easily manipulated. They took the case and began an investigation. Actual abuse couldn’t be proven, but was circumstantially highly probable. Amazingly, on the same day I had my initial meeting with the FBI, my husband applied to adopt a six year old boy. He told me about it a week later (he said it was possible to apply without the spouse present – a lie?). He never knew that it was me that spilled the beans, he always thought it was the background check that goes with the adoption application (he believed the FBI had spied on his visits to internet sites with illegal content). His underestimation of me is what saved me from his wrath. He didn’t think I was smart enough to find his secret, to act on it, and to not let on. My place in the investigation was kept sealed to protect me. If I had children, I may have decided to just walk away, but I didn’t, so I had only myself to consider in harms way. I must say, I thought of the children in those horrible images first and myself second. Someone had to do something for them. This sort of thing must be stopped. If a pedophile is married, his/her spouse may be the only one to suspect … the only one that can do anything about it. Be courageous, make the world a safer place for kids.
Kathleen, I am so glad you found this blog and have shared your story!!!! Oh, my goodness! You’ve given such valuable insights and wisdom for others to see and to know how important it is to take action! I’m blown away by your husband wanting to adopt a six-year-old boy. RED FLAG a million times over!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re brave and obviously a lot stronger than your husband gave you credit! I love your outline of respect for self, respect for others, and expecting others to expect us. Yes to all of these! And, you’re so very right that when we’re in an abusive situation, we don’t always have the strength to think like this. That’s why it’s so important to have a plan in place PRIOR to allowing ourselves to get involved with abusive people. And, as adults we must protect our children — always!
One thing that’s very frustrating is trying to “prove” abuse. However, if more of us did as you did — question and call for help — the abusers would not have so much free reign with their abuse. I’ll say it again and again, “If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.” And, we must — we absolutely must — not turn our heads. We must do something — for the children!
But that also answers a lot of questions about how churches can so quickly “go by the wayside”. I was always confused by churches that I thought were biblically sound and seemed to have an historic solid foundation within a few years turned against everything they had said they believed in. It wasn’t so much that they didnt know the Bible but their minds had become so muddled by the constant mental manipulations that they couldnt recognize the truth. Mix in a little falsehood with a lot of truth and no one will recognize it. Then add to that the accusation that ” you are going to cause a church split” and most people are going to keep quiet. I wonder how many churches have died because someone like your husband messed up the children’s minds so much that when they became adults they were willing to accept anything that came down the pike that would promise them peace of mind. I didnt mean to get sidetracked from your focus but I wonder if there is not a connection. Please keep posting -we need your insights!!
Shirley, You are so very right! John was not qualified at all to be a preacher — had not at all prepared for ministry while in college. In fact, his major was business until his senior year when he changed to “religious education” — if you’ve read the blog entries from the beginning you’ve read about this. One wrong person in a church leadership position can cause lasting damage! And, I think this happens more frequently than we know.