How do you move on beyond a day like the most horrible Thanksgiving ever?  Truthfully, when you want to fight hard for your family, for the values you believe in, you sometimes just take the pain and move on.  And, that’s just what was done.  We went on and had Christmas with the entire family home.  But, it was much different this particular year.  It was quiet.  It was awkward.  It was lacking laughter and joy!  It was as though everyone was walking on eggshells not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, and not knowing what to expect.  One thing we knew — we didn’t want a repeat of our Thanksgiving!

That particular week of Christmas is mostly a blur to me.  As a way to cope, we can trick our minds into not remembering horrible pain and heartache, and that is just what we did.  We didn’t allow ourselves to feel much of anything for fear of experiencing that horrible pain and brokenness once again.

The winter months were lonely.  I worked long hours — in fact, most nights I stayed at work very late not wanting to go home.  At this point in our lives, I was still shut down emotionally with John.  In fact, I didn’t even want to sit at the dinner table with him.  We spoke very few words to each other.  And, it was miserable — terribly miserable    for the two girls who were still living at home.  I wish so much that I had been in a stronger frame of mind and could have come to some kind of agreement with John about separation.

But……..he made one thing very, very clear to me.  If there was to be a separation, it would all fall on my shoulders.  He would make sure everyone knew that I was the one who was refusing to live with him.  He told me on several different occasions, “I’ll never divorce you.  NEVER!  I want everyone to know that you are the one responsible for this marriage falling apart.  And, I want to cover my butt and make sure that I can get preaching jobs.  If you want a divorce, you’ll be the one to see an attorney.  You’ll be the one to start the process.  And, you will be the one to pay for everything.”

I said nothing.  I felt like an empty shell.

John was always a man who hid his true feelings.  I lived with him for almost forty years and I knew so little about him.  I honestly never knew his favorite color, his favorite food, his favorite sport.  I did find out quite by accident that he liked to read Sherlock Holmes.  A weird little fact, but at least it was something that I knew about him.

And, I could never read his body language or his tone of voice or his eyes.  Very rarely would he ever look at me in the eyes when he spoke — even when our lives were seemingly happy and when I thought we were in love.  I’d often beg him to look at me when he spoke, but instead he’d cock his head to the side, eyes not focusing on mine, and he’d get a look on his face that I called a “smirk.”  I couldn’t tell if he was happy, sad, or questioning something that I said.  That used to drive me crazy!!!

But, now……something was evolving.  There was a “new John” — a more vocal John.  His conversations for years used to be one word answers.  “Yeah.”  “No.”  “Huh?”

But, during this period of impending separation, it was as though he came out of hiding and he began calling the kids that were away at college and he’d talk to them for hours at a time.  The ones that were married would get phone calls — sometimes daily calls from him.  This was absurd!!!  He talked about anything and everything and he did it within earshot of me.  He made certain that I could hear him talking and laughing and telling stories, talking about his new business dreams.

And, mostly telling the kids of his plans to become a full-time “manny.”  He was not about to give up that goal!!!

I guess I was just too dumb to connect the dots because he caught me totally blindsided on the morning of March 17, 2007.  I was getting ready to go to Pittsburgh.  I was a member of the NSA and our meetings were once a month on a  Saturday.  This was a particularly snowy morning in Somerset County — in fact, I debated whether or not to attempt the drive that day.  The snow was falling hard and fast.

Just as I was getting out my car keys, John very politely said, “I need to talk to you for just a minute.  Can you come here?”

I had no idea what he wanted.  He usually spent Saturdays at home on the computer, preparing for his Sunday sermons.

He walked into the room I used as my office, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a very neatly folded paper that had been printed and run off on the computer.

At the top it said, “Provisions of Separation.” 

I looked.  I looked again.  I blinked my eyes to hold back the tears.  My body was trembling and I was shaking so bad that I thought my knees were going to buckle.

“What’s this?”

“I’m moving today.  This is what you wanted.  I will not divorce you, but I’m moving.  I have a truck lined up.  It’s coming at 9:00.  My entire office is packed.  I’ve been working on it for several weeks.”  (Remember — I was never allowed to go into his office and he had the only key.)

He continued.  “Read this paper I’ve drawn up.  These are the conditions of the separation.”

I was numb.  I was dumbfounded.  I was not expecting this — not this way!

1.  I will sign over this house to you to do with as you please.  From this moment on, I will not give you one cent towards payment of this house.

2.  I will be taking the following:  All contents of my office.  All tools such as chain saw, lawn mower, rakes, shovels, tool box.

3.  I will take the following furniture:  The dining room table and all chairs, the blue lounge chair, the Sealy Posturepedic mattress / bed, the Kitchen Aid mixer, the toaster oven, the dresser with the double mirror and various lamps and end tables.

4.  I will have full access to the house to come get any other possessions that I have forgotten or that I need.

5.  I will make payment on the debt consolidation as I am able.

6.  I will NOT pay anything towards student loans.

7.  I will not carry you or the girls on my health insurance.

8.  I will NOT pay one cent of child support.

9.  I will not pay anything towards any upkeep of the home including electricity, heat, phone, or any repairs.

This is effective today, March 17, 2007.

John W. Hinton

And, with that he then said, “Do you have any questions?”

“Yes!  You know the mortgage is due on the 18th.  How am I supposed to pay that?  You’ve given me no warning at all.  And, you know my pay won’t begin to cover all of these expenses.  You full-well know that.”

I will never forget his response.  Until the day I die, I will not forget his response.

With a very calm voice and a smirking smile, he said, “I don’t care if you and the girls live in a tent.”

And, with that he walked out of the room.

I will continue with this story the next time I write because it’s very difficult for me to think about this day.  This was the end of our married lives.  All of the wishes, hopes, dreams, and prayers were for nil.  And, once again John proved very clearly that he was the one who was in control.

He never raised his voice.  He never shed one tear in front of me.  He acted totally poised and in charge.  I found out later that he had been planning this move for weeks.  He would be moving in with one of our sons and his wife.  He had shared his plans with the church and NOBODY cared to fill me in.  Not the church members.  Not the kids.  NOBODY!!!

I knew a separation was inevitable, but not like this.  I wanted it to be civil — a time to sit down and plan out how we would take care of our two children left at home.  I wanted us to tell the kids together.  I wanted us to work things out so that we could at least be civil to each other.

It felt as though a 500 pound weight had been dropped on my heart.  My head began spinning as I stood there feeling naked before the world.  I held that paper (that I still have filed away) and my eyes couldn’t believe what I was reading.

The things he wanted confused me.  The Kitchen Aid mixer.  Why?  That had been a Christmas gift to me.  The bed, the dresser, the dining room table and chairs.  Why?  Every tool for outside work on the house including the lawn mower.  Why?

And, the part that baffled me the most and will always baffle me is the sentence, “I will not pay one cent child support.”  Why?  These were his beautiful daughters.  Why would a father do that?  Why?  Why?  Why?

Do you see the mental abuse?  Do you see the ongoing control?  Do you see the way he presented himself to the kids and others as the poor husband whose wife no longer wanted to be with him?  Do you see how he lined up his supporters?  Do you see how he used the greatest tactic of crushing someone — catch them off guard and leave them standing alone without any support!

Please — if YOU are in a situation that is similar to this, get some help!  Work hard on building up support for yourself and your children.  Don’t allow this to happen to you because recovery from pain such as this is not easy!

John Hinton was a child molester.  That’s why he is spending the remainder of his life in prison.  He was also an emotional abuser.  He played with my mind from the day we met.  He had me thinking I was unable to make a decision on my own.  He controlled every part of my life.  And, I do believe that it was his plan to crush me completely.

Well-meaning people will quote you Scriptures about staying married until death — even in the most abusive situations.  Others will get in your face and remind you over and over again how you must forgive, not understanding what forgiveness truly means.  And, when you have been mentally and physically worn down to the point of only existing and not living, you grow numb to the pain and often lie down like a dying dog and accept it.

It’s time to begin educating yourself about abuse — child predators cause pain!!!  It’s time to begin educating our children how to protect themselves from abuse.  And, the time to do it is now!

Education is prevention!  Thank you for continuing to read this blog and for continuing to pick up valuable information as to how the mind of a child predator works.  They groom children and adults.  They control children and adults.  They cause life-long pain and take no responsibility for doing so!

Please start talking to your children now!  Child predators are counting on you falling for their lies.  They are counting on you to trust them with your children.  They are liars — everything they say is built on a lie and it’s time we begin looking for the red flags of these abusers!

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for speaking out.  Thank you for helping to keep our children and our families safe from abuse!

Love,

Clara

Next time we will continue on with “March 17 — The Walls Came Tumbling Down!”  I think you will be very surprised how this day unfolded.  I’m STILL surprised!!