As I watched the interview of Dottie Sandusky for the fourth time, my anger began to diminish and I began feeling so sorry for her. I listened to her every word. I listened as she stumbled through tears to try so hard to convince Matt Lauer of her husband’s innocence. She cried saying she was strong. She said she never called those who came forward with their stories liars. But she did. She said she didn’t see anything wrong with Jerry showering with teenage boys, tickling them, and soaping them up. But, she hesitated at the very end when she said *maybe* there could have been something inappropriate.
Dottie Sandusky is the perfect molester’s wife, just as I was! Dottie is sitting in the chair that I was sitting in many, many years ago when I didn’t know the truth about my husband. She loves her husband and she believes whatever he tells her. She believes him because it’s just too painful, too unreal, too out of the realm of her innocent beliefs to think otherwise.
Jerry Sandusky chose the perfect wife! She took in foster kids. She stood by her husband’s side while he received accolades for all of the wonderful help he gave to underprivileged kids. She is a God-fearing, loving, faithful wife, but….. deep in the pit of Dottie’s stomach I believe there is a small knot of nerves that has been building up over the years that is going to one day became a big, painful explosion of truth. At the end of the day when Dottie is alone with her thoughts and she begins putting pieces to the puzzle together of her life spent with Jerry Sandusky I believe she, like I, will begin to see the red flags that were waving all along trying to tell her that something was very, very wrong.
I admit that I was very angry when I first listened to the interview. I wanted to shake Dottie. I wanted to get in her face and yell, “Why are you covering up for him? What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you admit that your husband has done horrible things to children? Why? Why the pretending that he’s such a saint?”
But, the more I listened to the interview, the more I looked into her pain-filled eyes and I saw brokenness. I saw the very same brokenness that I’ve felt for a long time now. And, I felt like reaching through the computer screen and pulling her close and holding her while he body falls into a million pieces for believing so many lies all of those years.
Yes, Dottie and I have a lot to talk about. And, I really wish that we could spend some time together. Maybe we will some day. But not until she is able to break free of the persuasion of Jerry and see him for who he is. Not until she is able to see the truth.
Having lived for forty years with a masterful liar, manipulator, abuser, and practicing pedophile I can say that I understand a lot of what Dottie is going through.
Nobody wants to believe that the person they shared their life with on such an intimate level is not really the person you thought you knew. Nobody wants to feel that kind of brokenness, shame, and disgrace. Nobody wants to feel the humiliation of knowing you were fooled for years and years and years. Nobody wants to feel so much betrayal.
Living with a liar — a person who has two very different lives — does a lot of damage to you. Dottie is protecting herself, I believe. The “Sarge” isn’t quite ready to face reality. And, I don’t say that in a nasty way. I say that out of love — the kindest love I have. Because facing this kind of reality is like facing a battlefield of lies and having those lies come at you at a fast pace — each one piercing the heart and causing a bit more pain.
When I first heard the charges that were being brought against John, I had two choices. Believe the victims were telling the truth OR believe they were lying. And, if I believed they were lying, then I was pushed into a corner of believing that John was telling the truth. He said he was a man of God. He said maybe he had done some inappropriate things, but “they (the children) made me do it.” He said others were liars. He said if he lived in another country, what he did wouldn’t be considered wrong. He said that and so many other things.
But, and I think this is a critical “but” — John didn’t have a wife who stood by his side and told the world she believed him. John didn’t have his children come rushing up to him and say they believed him.
For the first time in his entire life John Hinton was forced to stand alone. Just he and God. And, in those moments of aloneness, John Hinton was able to say, “Yes, I did those things.”
Please don’t go jumping up and down and think it all happened so easily because as he sits in prison serving the very same sentence as Sandusky, he writes of his wrongful punishment. He asks people to feel sorry for him — not the victims of his abuse. He says that his punishment is too harsh. He says that what he did “wasn’t all that bad.”
He continues to lie. For a brief moment when he stood completely alone — just he and God — he knew he was exposed. And, he knew the evidence was there. And, he knew that he was in the 3% of practicing pedophiles that got caught. That’s right! Very few get caught and that’s why the truth seems so much like an outrageous lie to Dottie Sandusky!
I wish I could talk to Dottie and tell her that when she faces the truth about Jerry she’s going to feel like dying for a while. I wish I could tell her to line up some friends for support when she feels too weak to even walk to the kitchen to drink a glass of water after crying for hours upon hours. I wish I could tell that after it feels like she’s broken in two, it will feel like that again and again and again.
I wish I could tell her she will begin to doubt everyone, including God. I wish I could tell her that it is going to make her fall to her knees when she allows her mind to think about the horrors that sexual molestation causes in children. I wish I could tell her that when she takes her focus off of Jerry she will begin to see the truth — the real truth — and then she is going to become even more broken.
I wish I could tell her she will trust no one — not one person — for a very, very long time. I wish I could tell her that she, too, is a victim of abuse and needs to seek help and support.
Betrayal. Brokenness. Heartbreak. Humiliation. Degradation. Dirty. Worthless. She’s going to feel all of those while the truth is becoming part of her life.
I wish others would stop trying to help Dottie Sandusky scheme and try to twist the truth and find loopholes in the truth to make it fit the lies of Jerry Sandusky. I want to scream, “Leave her alone. Let her have some time alone with her thoughts. Just she and God. Allow her to be still with her thoughts. Stop giving her false hope and stop feeding her more lies. Hasn’t she been used enough?”
Just as I know John Hinton is a masterful liar and is guilty of molesting many children, I know the same is true for Jerry Sandusky. Reading about one is like reading about the other. Pedophiles who molest are so hard to catch, but when they are caught, they sound like the same person. They are known to be respectful in prison. Quiet. Well-liked. Well-groomed. Adjust well to prison life. Willing to help others.
And, they continue to dwell on pedophilic thoughts of children! All of their lives they will continue to do this! They will lie. They will manipulate in prison. They will deceive.
But……..the one thing they cannot do is harm another child!
As the former wife of a practicing pedophile, I felt compelled to write how I viewed the interview of Dottie Sandusky. She and I have a lot in common. But, our dividing line is clear. I can now see the truth. She cannot yet see the truth.
But, I have hope and pray that one day she will. That is the only way she, like I, will begin to find healing and freedom from so much pain.
I would encourage you to read what my son Jimmy wrote about Dottie Sandusky’s interview, too. Jimmy is my son which makes him the son of a pedophile and his writing style and thoughts are somewhat different than mine. But, we hold a common thread of believing the truth. Never once did Jimmy waiver from believing what John’s victims said! Yes, it was horrible. It still is. Every day there is pain. But…..there is worse pain for the children.
Have you ever wondered what you would do if a child came to you and said, “Mommy, I have something to tell you. Preacher Tom did some bad things to me. ” Or how about this, “Daddy and Mommy, I’m scared to tell you, but cousin Danny took me in a room and made me take my clothes off and he touched me in my private parts.”
Thousands upon thousands of children who have been molested have tried to tell, but NOBODY would listen! Maybe the adults were caught up like Dottie Sandusky. Maybe they couldn’t see the truth. OR, worse yet, maybe they *wouldn’t* see the truth! Maybe they were in a web of lies and manipulation that made it impossible for them to see the truth!
I’m urging you to listen to your children. Watch how they play. Do you know how to identify the signs of abuse in children? What will YOU do if faced with a situation like Dottie Sandusky? Will you hide behind a façade of pretending all is well? Or will you listen to the children?
When a pedophile molests a child, there is so much damage done. Children box themselves into a world that is make-believe. They often suffer a lifetime of terror and trauma. They don’t know how to trust anyone or allow others to get close to them and show them true love.
Isn’t it time we work hard to make this a safer place for our children? Thank you so much for reading. Thank you so much for thinking deeply and not accepting everything as truth that people tell you. Thank you for speaking up when you see something that could be inappropriate going on with a child!
Thank you for being a voice for the children! Thank you for listening when our children try to talk to us! Together we are making this a safer, better place for our children. Together we are forming a strong voice!
Love,
Clara
PS Thank you so much for your comments and for you continuing to share this blog! Together we really are making a difference!
I also watched the interview with Dottie and Matt on the Today show and I saw you Clara but I also saw me. We have to realize that she is currently in the trial phase and not interviewing after the trial. In the trial, she has hope of an acquittal. She has hope that her and her families life will go back to normal and this painful reality will dissipate. She still loves her husband and does not want him in “terrible jail” for the rest of his life. She is concerned about her children loosing their father if convicted. She is still trying to save his and her families face in the public’s eyes. She is fearful of how the “sexual molester label” will affect her children when when and if he is convicted. What will her neighbors say? What will happen when her children find out who he really is? They will no longer want to see him anymore. They might change their love for their father into being repulsed by him. She needs to be by his side because she is his wife and that is what she is suppose to do. For better or worse. What will happen to all their church friends? She is already realizing the affect this conviction will have on her life. She has already had to deal with the Children’s Services social worker threatening to take her children away if she stands by her husband and he is convicted. She is protecting him so that she will ultimately be protected. Or so she thinks. She is in total denial. Once he is convicted then her blindfold will be removed and she will hopefully see this man who she loved and who he really is. A sexual molester.
I feel sorry for Dottie and have compassion for her because I too visited my husband in jail and was exposed on a weekly basis to the other Pedophiles who were also visiting their families. I pray that one day she will see and believe the truth and allow God to heal her and her family. It is a long road ahead of her.
Carol, Thanks so much for “another side of the story.” Dottie most definitely is in total denial, and I do believe there will be a day when the truth comes to light.
That being said, keep in mind that Sandusky has already been found guilty. What Dottie and Jerry are asking for is another chance to prove his innocence. He’s in “prison” — not a holding cell in “jail.” The trial has taken place and a jury found enough evidence to convict him and find him guilty as charged. He is already convicted of being a child molester.
What we’re seeing here is master manipulation on Jerry’s part (still has his wife on his side), and his wife is living all of the fears you’ve described so well, and a thirsty attorney who says he’s not in it for the money, when in reality the guy grows more and more publicity with every opportunity to get his face before the TV cameras.
When Dottie’s eyes are opened she’s going to need lots and lots of support.
Oh, thank you Clara for sharing this with me. I vaguely remember the trial but I guess I was going through the trial of my husbands. That is crazy that they are wanting another trial to prove “his innocence”. She needs someone like you to sit with her and share how her husband fits into the typical profile. She needs the Lord to open her eyes to her husband’s deception. She needs so much prayer. Thank-you so much for sharing on your blog.
I have followed your blog since you started writing your story. thank you so much for the courage you have to educate. several have been difficult to read for me but this one was difficult. I have lived through my child telling me what happened to him at church. What a horrible day for us all, but he was brave and told us. I wanted to not respond, not beleive because it was so painful. we beleived him went the couseling road. He’s great now and will be later too. I now try to educate others through the Darkness to Light program. Keep tellilng your story Jimmy and Clara. I share with so many.
Connie,
Thanks so much for your brave comment. I’m sure this wasn’t easy for you. What a blessing that your son came and talked to you, and what a double blessing that you believed him and got him help!!!!
Sadly, so many victims of abuse have been called “liars” and they suffer a double victimization time and time again when they are not believed.
God bless you as you continue to educate others through the Darkness to Light program!!!
Clara, I have been reading your story since you started telling it last year. Its hard to read at times. today was hard to read because my young son was one that did tell me. I wanted to not beleive because it was so painful. IT happened at our church. It was too painful to actually beleive, but we did believe, and got us into counseling. tried to get it prosecuted because there were other kids too but it didn’t work out. I continue to follow where the monster goes to church and tell the pastor that theres a pedophile there. I also educate and tell others through darkness to light. thank you so much for having the courage to tell your story.
Connie,
I’m so glad that your son told you! What a blessing!!!! And, how sad that the abuse happened at church. I am disappointed to hear that it didn’t work out to get this man prosecuted — all too common. But, I’m thankful that you are courageous enough to stand up and speak out and continue to educate others. You will never know the true impact of how many children you are helping!!!!
Thank you for showing a new perspective on how she is feeling and thinking. When someone like Jerry Sandusky is defended in such a way, it makes my blood boil. When I was 11 I tried to tell the son of my abuser what he had been doing to me for 6 years, and he flat out told me that his father would never do something like that. He said that if I kept lieing about his father that I would no longer be allowed to play with my best friend (his daughter). I never tried to tell anyone again. I also never tried to tell him when his own son abused me (he was 5 years older than I was). I was abused by my best friend’s grandfather and older brother, and called a liar and actually threatened when I tried to tell someone. I have never forgiven what he did like so many said I should have. I don’t understand how a person CAN forgive that. Anyhow, back on topic…watching her interview, it made me think of when I was called a liar. I know just what those victims are feeling when she sits there and says she believes her husband, and calls them liars (which is exactly what she’s doing). It’s crushing, even all these years later. I continue to share your blog in hopes that it will help more parents realize what may be going on right in front of them, and those suffering the abuse realize that ehy CAN stand and say it happened. It’s NOT their fault, and SOMEONE will believe them.
Dear Sleepingbeauty,
I hope that thousands upon thousands of people will read what you’ve just shared! By Dottie Sandusky calling the victims of abuse liars (and you’re so right — she did do that), she has brought a lot of damage to victims of abuse. When we are not believed, we do lock ourselves in box and we withdraw from others, finding it hard to trust anyone!
I am so very sorry that you went through not just abuse, but also the victimization of not being believed. This breaks my heart, and is something that is all-too-common. This is a daily job — to work hard to get the truth out to others about how devious pedophiles work. We absolutely MUST share the truth — the hard truth — about how this abuse works, how many lies are told (and believed), and we must continue to empower those who were abused to speak out and become a loud voice that is heard. That is the only way we will stop these horrendous acts of child molestation!
Thanks so much for your comments!!! You are a lot braver than you think!
How do you lovingly speak truth to someone like Dottie Sandusky? I am sure she probably gets a lot of hate mail from victims, which will never help. She is doing a lot of damage. It just seems that if women who have been in her position would be able to get through to her. She is a mom. It just seems that at some point those protective instincts would come out for the children that were victimized.
Brenda, I’ve thought about this so much (and prayed about it), too. I remember when Jerry Sandusky’s story first came out, then when the verdict was handed down, so much “hate” was directed at Dottie Sandusky. In fact, I printed off many of the newspaper articles and saved them. It bothered me so much to see her standing up for Jerry with very little to say about the victims. She seems to have a blind eye for the truth right now. I don’t know if she’ll listen, but I think some of us should try to write her — in a sincere way and let her know the harm she’s doing to so many victims by calling them liars. I’m honestly not sure she’d “get it” yet, though. She seems lost in a web of lies that Jerry has told her.
It was very interesting to me how she wanted to make certain that Matt Lauer walked to the kitchen stairway that leads to her basement where some of the molesting took place. She really struggled hard to make sure that Matt saw how “nice the basement was” (as if that makes it impossible for molesting to take place!) and she kept stressing the fact that, “I would have heard a child screaming. Look how small my house is.”
She was trying too hard to prove herself right about Jerry. Deep in her heart I believe she knows the truth. Now, the big question remains — when will Dottie come forward and admit she was wrong about her husband?
I hope and pray it’s soon. I really hope and pray it’s soon.
The house my abuser lived in wasn’t all that big. It didn’t even have a basement or second floor. It was a fairly open floor plan, so you could see and hear most everything. It was a very nice house as well. I think maybe she does realize she is wrong and Jerry really did do those things, and it was horrible for him to do them. Maybe that’s why she’s trying so hard to get people to beleive that he didn’t. I just wish she would see how detrimental what she’s doing is to not just the victims of her husband, but victims of abuse all over.
Sleeping Beauty, I believe them and I believe you. I never attempted to tell anyone of my abuse until I was an adult. I was much too afraid to do that. I kept the shame and pain bottled up inside. I’m not sure I would call it forgiveness, but I have had to let what my childhood abuser and abusers as an adult go for my heart’s sake. God did not forgive Israel until she repented. But finally letting it go is freeing for my heart’s sake. Those people were wrong not to listen to you. I find it hard now when I do tell someone my story and their response is, “couldn’t you have told someone?” and then I hear your story. What good would it have done? Would they have believed me” Weren’t people in other households all going through the same thing? These are the things that I thought as a child. As an adult I have gone from abuser to abuser with the exception of one man who treated me kindly and loved me and died shortly before we were to marry. I felt as Naomi did when calling herself Mara. The Lord had been harsh with me and obviously hated me. I now know that was a lie I told myself. He loves me more than any man could. Letting it go had given me room for real love.
Thank you for this. It is one of your most powerful posts for me. I know a “Dottie” and she is fully residing in denial, calling the children liars. It is a bitter and difficult thing to be a friend to someone in her position holding to her denial. But your blog has actually opened my eyes to how much she has been and still is being manipulated from prison by her pedophile husband. It’s truly a horror. Thank you for exposing these VERY important truths.
Dear Lady Why,
I think society has way underestimated the power of manipulation by pedophiles. They can come off as being so kind, so gentle-mannered, so helpful to others that its hard — very, very hard — to see them working “their dark side” as John described “his other life” to me.
This manipulation continues forever if we allow it. That’s why I hope and pray that people will read this blog with an open mind and watch just how crafty the lies of the pedophile work to make others feel like they are crazy!
Thanks so much for your comment and for having eyes that are able to see the truth! Little-by-little the trickery of pedophiles is being exposed. And, as we expose and educate, the pedophiles have less and less power over us!!!