Thanks so much once again for continuing to read, digest this information, share, and comment.  I truly believe that our voices are being heard and will ultimately make a difference.

Last week we took a side-step from the progressing story of the red flags that I should have seen during my almost forty years of being married to a pedophile.  The subject of manipulation and spousal abuse is a bigger one than I imagined and deserves its own special attention.  After reading so many of your comments, I am beginning to understand the magnitude of not just pedophilia, but of abuse in general.  It literally breaks my heart. I’m beginning to understand more and more the emotional turmoil of so many people in bad relationships.  This kind of pain – emotional and physical abuse – leaves scars that run deep.  Clear to the soul!

Let’s continue today with the story of my life living with a pedophile.  Sometimes the weeks went along uneventfully and there wasn’t much that seemed out of the ordinary.  Other times there were things that stuck out and caused so many questions – questions that never really had good answers.

One such question to John was this:  “Why you are driving over one hour to pick up two mentally disabled girls to have a Bible study with them?  They don’t understand much of anything you’re saying, and you know that!” 

 

Now before anyone gets upset with me for saying that, let me explain what John was doing.  Every Wednesday night and every Sunday night John was driving to a small rural community a half hour one way away from the church parsonage where we lived to pick up two mentally disabled sisters to bring them to church.  He always picked them up and drove them home.  Plus, he was having a mid-week bible study with them one afternoon each week.

At first glance, this looks like something any devoted man of God would and should do.  But, here’s the problem.  These sisters had the mental aptitude of about a child of seven years old.  Along with that, they lived way out in the middle of nowhere.  Add to that the fact that one of our members lived very close to where these girls lived and could easily have swung by their parent’s place to pick them up for church.  BUT, John insisted that he was the one to pick them up and deliver them back home, plus he set up mid-week bible studies with them in his downstairs office — his locked chamber. 

This caused many upsets between the two of us!  Number one, I had no idea how he even met these girls.  Number two, it was a huge inconvenience for him to go get them and take them home.  It was right at our dinner time on Wednesdays and Sundays and it made no sense whatsoever to me why he absolutely would not ask the family that passed by the home of these girls to take them to and from church!

I didn’t at all understand it then, but it sure does make a lot of sense now.  What a thrill it must have been for John to be alone with these girls!  They had minds of very young girls and communicated very little.  In fact, I’m not even sure if one of the girls could speak.  He drove to and from church alone with them, plus he set up individual bible studies with them.

How perfect – all in the name of being a good Christian preacher!  These girls couldn’t read.  They had no clue what they were doing.  Yet, John insisted on bringing them to and from church and HE had to be the one to do it!  Do you see the picture?  Can you imagine a bit of what the bible study must have been like in the “secret chamber”?

Some of you may think this is far-fetched, but I’m thoroughly convinced that John used this time alone with these girls to fondle and molest them. 

“Children are easily manipulated by adults, there is no doubt about that. Children are not miniature adults. They have not developed reasoning skills yet. They are no match for a sexual predator so don’t give a child hope that they have been fully trained in warding off a person intent on harming them.The best defense against a sexual predator is to never leave your child alone”

 Please read that line again! 

“The best defense against a sexual predator is to never leave your child alone!”  Wiser words have never been spoken!

Think!  Think hard!  Think long!  Think of what a pedophile does!  This continued on for the better part of a year, then one evening when John came home he was visibly upset and he said, “I’m not doing that anymore!  I can spend my time in better ways than this!  I’m not going to get those girls for church again.”

And, he didn’t.

I often wondered what happened, and please don’t judge me for this, but in all honesty I was glad that they were no longer coming to church.  I hated it when John left to pick them up and bring them home.  I was struggling with two little ones and it would have been so nice to have him home to help me – even for a little bit. Was I being selfish in my thinking?  I don’t think so!  At least not now I don’t think so.  It’s a husband’s and father’s responsibility to help at home — first and foremost!

A pedophile involved in church work has a very unique situation. Even as I’m writing this, I feel like such a jerk for even hinting that these girls didn’t need to come to church and study the bible.  Everyone needs that!  But, the problem was that John was very “obsessed” with these girls.  He didn’t spend that much time with anyone else studying the bible.  He had no other bible studies even going at the time.  And, truthfully, wouldn’t it have been better if a woman had been involved with the bible studies? 

Think about this scene long and hard.  Does it leave a big question mark in your mind?  It sure does with me!  It was questionable many, many years ago, and it’s far more questionable to me now!

Many times John boasted about how he’d never allow himself to be in a compromising position with a woman – alone in his office doing counseling or bible studies.  Yet, here he was spending hours of alone time each week with two mentally challenged girls!  It didn’t make sense!

You and I both know that I can’t prove what John was doing in those bible studies and on the many, many car rides alone with those girls. But, I can tell you this.  Pedophiles target mentally challenged children.  Why?  Because they won’t tell and if they do tell, nobody will believe them!      

Let me repeat this:  Pedophiles target mentally challenged children because they won’t tell and if they do try to tell nobody will believe them! Anna Salter talks about this at length in her books, and you can also find this information in “Not With My Child.”

I believe with all of my being that John was using this time to molest these girls.  And, when something happened (and I don’t know what that something was), he immediately stopped seeing them!

In the eyes of the church, he was a wonderful preacher.  He was not only conducting two bible studies each week, but he was making sure these girls had a way to and from church.  Girls that nobody else paid much attention to – except John.  He was a hero, of sorts!  The most kind, caring, sacrificial man that they ever met!

I feel sick in my stomach right now.  A very physical kind of sick.  I can still see those two girls.  I remember what they looked like.  I remember how they held their heads down and wouldn’t look up when I tried to talk to them.  I remembered how they would cower on the back pew in church.  I remember them looking so sad.  I remember their faces and I feel so horrible inside.

Who molests children?  I know for a fact that preachers do!  I was married to a man who looked so charming, so innocent, so kind on the outside, but who was committing the vilest of acts in secret.

Please be alert!  Pay attention to what is going on around you!  If someone takes a special interest in your child for no real reason, please pay close attention!  Is there someone who wants alone time with your child?  Do you have a child that someone has taken a very special interest in helping in an alone situation?    Do you allow your child alone in the car with an adult who has taken a special interest in your child?  Know where your children are at all times and know who they are with at all times!!!

When I questioned John about his bible studies, he made me feel so guilty – like I didn’t want these girls to learn about God.  I still feel horrible even writing about this for fear of someone misinterpreting what I’m saying and judging me!  This is the kind of mind-manipulation pedophiles are counting on!  These are the things they spend hundreds of hours planning!  And, this was a perfect plan:  the preacher teaching the bible to two girls who nobody ever gave special attention!

Pedophiles are smart.  They work long, hard hours targeting, grooming, planning, and eventually acting.  Please be vigilant at all times!  Don’t just ask questions and then do nothing (like I did).  I should have insisted that I ride along in the car and that I be present for the bible studies.  Instead, I backed down, as I always did.  I allowed John to back me into a place where I felt guilty for even bringing up such a question.  I listened to people applaud him for his good works, and like a good, obedient wife, I stood by his side.

Learn from my mistakes.  Look for those red flags and do something about them!  For the sake of every child alive, please don’t keep quiet – ever!  Speak up, speak out, and do something.  Let’s make it so hard for pedophiles to reach our children that they finally give up! 

Together we can do it!  Together we must do it!  Let’s keep educating one another and keep our children safe!

Thank you for reading along.  I know this isn’t easy.  This is hard, difficult, uncomfortable, but true!  Thank you for helping be a voice that keeps our children safe!

Love,

Clara