Today I’m going to veer off the highway just a bit and talk about something that has cropped up time and time again in my writings about being married to a pedophile. There was never any physical abuse to me in this relationship, but there was a high level of emotional abuse. And, the question has come up over and over again asking me why I stayed in this marriage. In fact, the question is a nagging one to a lot of people as to why so many women stay in abusive relationships.
I don’t claim to have all of the answers, but I do have the answers that are mine, so I’ll speak to you from my heart. Why? Why did I stay in a relationship that I knew was abusive almost from our wedding day? Women stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons but the number one reason, I believe, is due to a contributing factor of extremely low self-esteem and a very high need to be shown any kind of love. That’s it, really. No self-worth and a need for love.
I know many people are still saying, “This is ridiculous. When someone treats you wrong time after time after time, you should pack your bags and leave.”
Factor religion into this and it’s not such a simple equation any more. If you remember, there is only one thing I wanted in life from my childhood on up and that was a Christian husband. I believed with all of my heart that marrying a man who loved God would give me a beautiful life. I pictured my mate and I loving and laughing together, serving God together, having children together, enjoying long strolls by the sea together, sharing our inner most feelings together, making love together, and living the rest of our lives together. That one thought was in my mind and I lived and breathed by that thought.
When I realized that something was very wrong in our marriage, my immediate thought was that it must be my fault. Me. I’m the cause. If only I could be nicer. If only I was prettier. If only I was smarter. If only I kept the house cleaner. If only I had everything in order and kept on top of all duties and responsibilities at home 24/7…..if only, if only, if only. I can remember feeling so utterly and totally inadequate in every way.
I felt big and clumsy. I felt ugly. (If you remember I was told I was ugly by John on several occasions.) I didn’t feel like I measured up to other women. I came from a broken home and back in my day coming from a divorced home was considered sinful. You were looked down upon. I came from a very poor family. Another blow to the self-esteem. And, something that has always bothered me is the fact that I didn’t complete my four-year college education. That, too, was a goal of mine and I gave up that goal so that John could complete his education. It wasn’t possible financially for both of us to be in school at the same time.
So, with that being the foundation, I already felt beat down, less than what I should be, and almost daily I was being treated as such and being told as much.
Why did I stay?
1. Fear. Where would I go? What would I do? I had children, what would happen to them? What about the church? What would happen then? Would I be labeled as an outcast? What kind of work would I find to support myself?
Every time I even tried to think about leaving, it was too big. I couldn’t go there in my mind. I was convinced I needed John in order to survive. Part of his brainwashing (abuse) was to remind me every day how much I needed him. He reminded me constantly that I had no training in anything. The only thing I’d ever do was to be a mother.
And, I believed him.
2. A Need for Love. Every person alive wants to be loved and has a need for love. Just the idea of not being loved in a special way (even if it was an abusively special way) was frightening! I convinced myself that on the good days this marriage was all worth while. I had beautiful children. I had a lovely home. I had food on the table. These were all things that I couldn’t have if I was by myself. Leaving was too much for me to think about. Way too much. It was far easier to go to bed crying than to wake up in the morning alone. Besides, there was always the hope that tomorrow would be a better day. Tomorrow the pain would go away. Tomorrow would be easier. Tomorrow I would change enough to make John happy. That was my prayer for almost forty years.
3. Transparency is Frightening. There was a time in my life when I was the biggest cover-up ever when it came to my emotions. I could be dying inside and on the outside I looked so happy! I never shared my emotions or my pain with anyone. Ever! I was brought up being reminded almost daily that “you don’t air your dirty laundry in public.” In other words, you keep your problems to yourself. And, that I did!
Plus, I was the wife of a preacher who was absolutely loved and adored. He was the light of his children’s lives. He was loved by the church that he pastored. He was loved and so well-known in the community. I read Psalms 31 so much that I had the entire chapter memorized. My goal was to become the virtuous woman described in that chapter. And, leaving my marriage would be shameful, and as far as I was concerned leaving would be undeniably unforgivable!
4. Fear of my children hating me. I knew without doubt that my kids would turn their backs on me if I ever left John. Honestly, he was their hero. And, he had such a way of interacting with them that they made it known who their favorite parent was. I often thought how difficult it was being a mom and trying so hard not to love one child different than another. But, the kids……hands down their dad was the man! To be separated from your husband is one thing, but to lose the love of your children — there is no way I was going to risk that! I would rather live miserable all the days of my life than to be abandoned by my children.
5. Financial Fear. John reminded me often that I could never earn more than minimum wage on any type of job. I wanted to work to help support our family but he never would allow that (abuse, yes!). And, the truth is he was a great provider. His condescending words let me know over and over again that I would be of no value in the working world. Of course I believed him.
There are hundreds more reasons why women stay in abusive relationships, but I honestly believe they can always come down to the same two factors: a low self-esteem and the fear of being alone.
Pedophiles study adults and children. They prey on the emotionally weak. Of course I was a perfect match for John with my low self-esteem. He was quiet spoken and very persuasive. I know this is strange to insert here, but I was so used to telling him every move I made, that if I got up to walk down the hall to go use the bathroom I would tell him. Every time. And, he would give that sneering smile, as if to say, “Okay. And, you remember to tell me the next time, too.”
How does a woman get the courage to leave an abusive relationship? We’ll talk about that the next time. Please know that I understand there are women today reading this who are caught in a web of both physical and emotional abuse. You feel totally isolated, worthless, and alone. You’re afraid. Inside you’re shaking and paralyzed by fear. It is my prayer that over the course of the next few blog posts you’ll learn ways to gather your courage and make a run for it — literally!
Nobody deserves to be abused! Never, ever is abuse right! And, if you aren’t strong and can’t protect yourself, then you won’t be able to protect your innocent children, either.
Hang on. There is help, and there is hope! Please check back for more about how to break loose from the ties of abuse.
And, in the meantime, please keep your eyes and ears open for the red flags of child abuse. Read back through these blog posts. They are filled with signs to look for when trying to keep your children safe!
Together we are becoming empowered and we are breaking free of the grip of abuse. Together we are becoming a loud voice for all of the abused. It’s time to stop this horrible cycle and the first step is becoming educated.
Thank you for reading, and thank you for sharing and caring.
Love,
Clara
PS Thank you so much for sharing your comments and thoughts. And, let me know if you’d like to be a guest blogger on the topic of breaking the chains of abuse. Email me at chinton49@gmail.com . Thanks so much!
Hi,
When I read your article, I feel it is my story. I am still battling to get the custody of my boys. Believe it or not, it has been two years since he has been primary carer for my boys. But he is staying with his parent. I am having nightmare every night, having the fear on how if the boys end up in his full custody? I suffer depression but manageable. Financially trapped and in someway facing similar mentally n emotionally abused. A couple of time having the thought of committed suicide (strong case against me), when the humiliation, isolation and threatened continuously present during the legal process, the feeling will come back, However, the love if a mum for the children keep me going. I am a lot stronger to safe my kids from the sole care of a man with sick addiction now.
I refused to fight but I have the faith in God that He will provide the safest place for my kids.
I am all alone, it is not good enough but I have to make the best possible effort to have all my kids back in my arm, safe n sounds. The war of power is tough when you have to battle on your own. Friends, counseling and network are the only support I have in this country.
Your story is my story
My heart goes out to you. In many ways, you are my mom. Except, she didn’t have “low self esteem” , she had ” No self Esteem” None, absolutely no knowledge that she could walk away from my stepfather. Sometimes, I think she saw herself as one of us kids, not the Mom, or an adult.
She grew up with a Mom, who never nurtured her. In fact, was angry at her for being born Christmas eve. She was mad that she had to be in the hospital for her Christmas day anniversary, and for Christmas. She’d throw tantrums and leave my grandfather, and my mom alone for weeks at a time. My grandfather was never one to put my grandmother in her place, for lack of a better phrase. My Mom at a young age had to take care of her two younger siblings while my grandmother was off doing her thing. I completely understand why, and how she married such a horrible person as my stepfather. He wanted her, she never felt wanted before.
It’s so important for our children to know they’re loved, and know how to stand up for themselves.
I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through. (( hugs ))
Liz, Thank you so much! I appreciate your comments, and I’m so sorry for the things your Mom had to go through.
I think the next to the last sentence you said is so very important for all parents: “It’s important for your children to know they’re loved, and to know how to stand up for themselves.”
I’ll amen that a thousand times over!!!
Again, thank you for your comments!
Thank you for writing this ive finaly gotten up the courage to leave but i am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. Afterall he has been supporting me and my children whom are not gis for 3 years. Ive made arrangements for my children and i to get out but i have to stay 9 more days. This is already feeling like the longest 9 days in the universe. I feel guilt because he has grown attached to my children and has none of his own and im just ripping them away. This is the forst time ive chose my hapiness over someone elses. And i just hope this guilt will go away. I have decided not to tell him om leavig because i know he will manipulate me into staying so im going to leave a letter behind explaining everything. Wrll thank you for listening. The more i talk about it the more real it becomes/
I can relate to all of this, Clara. It’s hard to be a Christian and walk in a world where so many have an agenda to meet their own selfish wants verses doing what is right by others. You are truly touching and making a difference in the lives of so many others, all while healing yourself. May God continue to bless you and your family.
Kerri,
Thanks so very much for your comment. Every day I’m reminded of what a battle it is for so many — I get email after email of so many people living in such difficult circumstances. It sounds so easy to say, “Forgive. That’s what you’re commanded to do.” When abuse is part of the situation, it takes action to get out of a situation that can potentially be life-threatening. And, the children — the precious children who need our help. May God help us to open our eyes to the needs of those around us!
Thank YOU for the work that you do, Kerri! It’s always so good to hear from you!
Clara, I so understand this!! My Father emotionally abused me, so I thought that this is normal. All I can say is The Eagles have a line in their song “already gone” about – so often we live our lives in chains, but we always had the key” I stayed for 24 yrs but his behavior that devastated me, was actually a huge favor. I finally did it for my girls. I thought- what am I teaching them that I would let a man do this to me. You are such an awesome and beautiful lady!
Wanda, I’m so glad that you got out of that situation! And, you’re so right — our kids need to see us be strong! It’s so hard breaking those chains of abuse, but when we do — WOW! It’s hard to explain! I read through some of my old journals last night and will share a few lines in one or two of my blog posts. There is freedom — it’s frightening, but so empowering!
Thanks so much for your wonderful words of encouragement!
Clara,
I understand what you were saying when you said that you came from that broken home, and it was looked down on. I remember hearing how horrible my mom was because she was a divorced woman and a mother. And this was in the early 1980’s (yes I am roughly the same age as some of your kids), some of the churches would not allow her to join the congregation because she lived with my grandmother (that is a whole other story in itself). Do you know why she left? It was because my father said that if she did not satisfy his needs then I would…I was 6 weeks old the only thing that saved his life was he was too drunk to stand up when she tried to hit him with the cast iron skillet. Then my Papa told her to pack she was coming home. But I still remember the derision that others who just heard that she was a single mom used when talking to her. I can also say that often you are right the people who endure abusive relationships often feel that they have no choice, or that if they leave they will be hurting someone else. You can only be told so many times that you are stupid, ugly, or not good enough before you believe it. When it happens as a child, you grow up thinking that you are lucky if someone wants something to do with you and the individuals that do want something to do with you have to be after something or that they are lying if they tell you that you are enough. I know about hiding things that go on in family, and making everything look perfect. Did you ever listen to Miranda Lambert’s song ‘Not my Mama’s Broken Heart’ my best friend growing up called me and told me to listen to it, because it was so our houses when we were growing up, you never let them see you upset never lost your cool and always acted like a lady period end of story or you were a disappointment. It is a scary and dark place to be trapped and while you can never fully get out of it since one word, memory, or place can bring those feelings back you can make the conscious decision to move on (which you are and I applaud you). You said that you were upset because you never finished your degree…so why not do it now? You wanted many things in your life, and you did the best that you could have with the situation you were put into (while I think that we should stake him out with fire ants sharp sticks and honey before burning him to a crisp at the minimum) you survived and have become a beacon for others who are in similar situations. Keep it up and know that if you ever need the ear I will be more than happy to listen.
Thank you so much for sharing! The entire divorce issue is still a big one yet today among many churches. Sadly, I’ve been “denied” speaking engagements to women’s groups because I wear the title “divorced.” It doesn’t seem to matter why with some — you’re just automatically placed in a “woman of sin” category. Thank God your mother was a strong woman and got you out of that situation!!!!! It makes my body shake just thinking what would have happened had she not left.
I’ve thought many, many times about finishing my degree. Right now I’m working three jobs to support myself (sounds like I’m being a cry baby, but I’m not — just stating a simple fact), and there’s no way I could put another hour of work on my plate. BUT, with online classes available, when I get to slow down just a bit in two years, I do have plans of going back to school and finishing my degree! I get super excited thinking about that!!!! 🙂
I appreciate your comment so much! Thank you! And, I love using the words “survivor” — sounds a whole lot better than “victim”!!!! And, it feels a lot better, too!
If you want to delete this since it is off-topic, I will understand. Just wanted to let you know about Thomas Edison University. They offer credit by portfolio. Some of my family members have done this. Chances are good that you would at least get a few credits this way for the work you’ve done, and experiences you’ve had in life. You may get quite a few credits, actually! All accredited–very important. If you’re interested at all, I encourage you to look it up now, because if you do a portfolio, it would be easier to do it as you go than try to do it all at once later on.
Best wishes!
Thank you so very much!!! This isn’t at all off-topic. I’m going to check on this right now. I actually have two years of college, then I dropped out in order to make sure that John got his degree. I’ll check out Thomas Edison University right now. I really appreciate your help! 🙂