Writing has been a bit healing for me since my son’s death. Healing because writing is an outlet — a way of releasing some of my heavy grief. Writing is a way for me to feel like I have some value and I just might be able to help someone even in my brokenness.
I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking lately. I’ve been asking myself the question, “What am I looking for when I feel lost, alone, and without hope?” “What kind of message am I seeking?” I know one thing — I love to hear a person’s voice! Reading is awesome, and I read every day at least for two hours — maybe more. But, in today’s age of technology, we have such wonderful things as Skype and Facetime available to us. Plus, youtube! When I need comfort and help, I usually search for a video that can help calm me, validate who I am, fill me with hope, inspire me, and help me to realize that countless others have gotten through situations much worse than mine.
I want to hear stories from survivors! I want to look into their eyes when they speak. I want to listen to their voice. Why? Because lots of people can write, but to hear a person speak from the heart — that is what I love to hear!
And, I’m hoping you are the same way. I can’t sit down and have coffee with you and talk at your kitchen table, but I can talk to you by way of videos.
So, I’m putting out a simple question to you, my readers.
“If you had an opportunity to hear me talk about anything related to this blog, what would you want to know?”
Please write your questions or the topics you want me to discuss in these short videos in the comment section of this blog. Thank you! I’ll be making my first videos next week, and I’m excited to be able to say, “I’ll be talking with you!”
What can YOU do this week to help this work continue? Why not take some time to stop by Church Protect, Inc. and find out what that’s all about? I’m excited to say that I’m a partner with this organization that has been founded to help keep our churches and children safe. More and more information will be added to Church Protect each week, so bookmark it and check back frequently.
And, why not order a t-shirt while you’re at it? I cannot wait to wear mine! As soon as it arrives I will proudly be wearing mine to show that I belong to a group that genuinely cares about the safety of our children! This shirt will be an identifier of who we really are!
Thank you to each and every one of you for the continued messages of hope since the death of my son. I still cry daily, and I’m sure I will for a long time to come. But, it helps so much when I wipe away the tears to be able to read a message from one of you — a message of hope — a message of caring. You are helping to sustain me through this most difficult time in my life.
I’m looking forward to reading the questions you send to me to discuss.
I can promise you this — I want to leave you with hope and help for keeping our children safe!
Love,
Clara
Not sure if this was already posted: I am interested in your memories of church members’ words and actions, during the years, that indicated that something was not-quite-right. Maybe what you thought and did then and how you view these situations now.
Linda,
This is a great question/topic, and it will be addressed in the coming videos and writings that I’m working on.
I think you’ll be quite surprised at what all was noticed as “not-quite-right” and the response to that.
Thanks so much for your question.
I just read your whole story from beginning to end. Wow, what an amazingly painful experience. I really feel for you and your children and hope so much that God can heal you all. Thank you for sharing your story.
I just had one point that I was a little confused about. Many times you mentioned some horrible behavior and then said, “This is what pedophiles do.” It sounded to me like you were really describing a sociopath. I’m sure your husband was both a sociopath and a pedophile, but not all sociopaths are pedophiles, and it seems to me that not all pedophiles are sociopaths (although I’m not an expert on the subject).
I knew a man who was some type of pedophile (his main victim was his daughter), but he was nothing like you describe your husband being. He was very timid and shy and lacking in self-confidence, not manipulative at all – in fact, always bullied by his domineering wife. (I observed this myself many times, in addition to hearing the same from his children.) He was an alcoholic, but I don’t believe he was a sociopath, and I do believe he repented of his early actions. During the years I knew him, he never drank or made efforts to be around children that I could see. This doesn’t mean he was “cured” and I would never trust him alone with my children.
Maybe this man was very unusual. I just wanted to point out that pedophiles, like other people, have different motivations and psychological makeup. Sin comes in many shapes and packages.
Susan,
Thanks so very much for your insightful comments. While I do believe John is also a sociopath, he was very “guarded” as to how others saw him. And, while he was never physically abusive to me, he was extremely mentally abusive and controlling to me, yet……..others regarded him as such a wonderful man of God.
He really did live two different lives.
The man you described as “some type of pedophile” having his daughter as his main victim most likely came off as shy and lacking in self-confidence, BUT he somehow manipulated children into being abused. Let me just say that pedophiles are “great deceivers.”
Yes, very true, and that’s a dynamic I don’t understand – what his daughter was thinking and how she was manipulated into keeping silent for so long.
Susan, Even the victim doesn’t understand how it happens. That’s how good the manipulative sex offender is. It isn’t by chance that this happens. The offenders are very skilled at what they do. Please don’t ever underestimate that fact.
Again, thank you for your comments.
Clara, I think what draws me back to this story over and over again is how much you unmask hidden evil and show us the truth of who John was in your home as contrasted with the persona he projected in public. One of the things I am most interested in hearing from you is how that persona finally collapsed in public during his trial. I have been interested to know what that looked like, because somehow I feel that having his evil come unmasked to everyone, most particularly to anyone who might have been in his corner but could not remain there after the facade had fallen, must have some cathartic and liberating power.
At east I hope it does. I acknowledge that I have not had anything like your experience and I don’t know what those experiences were like for you. Perhaps they are to dreadfully painful to recount, and I would never ask you to do that if that’s the case. I only tell you this in response to your question. If there is catharsis in John’s downfall, and if there are lessons to learn from the revelation in court of what happened, I’d like to read that. Well, I mean, sort of. Reading your story breaks my heart with all of its injustice and horror. I am very grateful that you are willing to share any of this, because I feel better equipped to deal with the reality and danger of this dreadfully broken world.
Ethan, What happened in that courtroom — the unmasking — was very liberating to me, but it certainly has not been a quick and easy liberation. And, I will address this very thoroughly.
Sadly, many, many people are still in love with the John they thought they knew, and they will never accept the facts for what they are. He was so good at winning people over and controlling them that even though he sits in prison serving out a life sentence he still has people who would stand up and go to bat for him. They cannot believe that John could do such horrific things.
ran across this article today and thought it was something you would be interested in reading.
prayers and hugs your way!
http://www.feministcurrent.com/2015/09/28/youve-heard-of-rape-culture-but-have-you-heard-of-pedophile-culture/
Thanks so much for this link. I will definitely comment and offer my thoughts about this.
An ex-in-law was arrested as a young man for molesting younger girls (more than 5 years younger than he was), but had a very light sentence due to a plea bargain. A few years ago my daughter told me that this man had also molested her multiple times over 5-6 years while he was still part of the family. We reported the incidents, which took place across the state from where we now live. We had to keep contacting the sheriff’s office to find out what was happening with the case, and they kept giving us excuses of all kinds as to why nothing was happening. Finally they quit responding to us at all. The man is still out walking around. I’m afraid his children, step-children, and any other children he is around, are surely at risk. It is so frustrating to have justice blocked by a crooked sheriff’s department. Without hiring an attorney (which we can’t afford), I don’t know of any other options we have. I’m also wondering how many times this happens — the report is dropped by the law officers for who knows what reason. I don’t even know the reason why they dropped it, and that’s frustrating, too! It saddens me to think of the victims who finally decide to tell, have to go through the embarrassment and pain of giving the full report to the law officers, only to have it ignored or dropped. Do you have any idea if this is a common problem, or any advice about other options we may have?
Dear Alou, Sadly, this is one of my biggest frustrations also. And, the abusers know how the law works, and they know how to work the system. Very few enforcement officers are trained in the area of sex offenders, and even worse staffing is inadequate in most states. AND, you are so right. The cases are very often dropped due to lack of interest or lack of available help.
I will most certainly address this issue in the upcoming series, and for the time being I can direct you to Church Protect, Inc. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JXL-ANhvPk Please listen to the video and visit the blog. There in invaluable information on the blog!
And, you are so very right — the molesters continue on their way molesting others and causing so much pain. This breaks my heart and that’s why I will continue to work so hard to expose those who prey on children!