Admittedly, I’ve taken some time off from this blog because it’s been too hard to “go there” in my thoughts on most days. This is the Christmas season, and I want to be happy and in a celebratory mood — not dwelling on the past and all of the ugliness associated with being married for years and years to a practicing pedophile. I still have days when it’s hard to believe.
This week, though, I find it necessary to pull up some memories that caused huge red flags for me. I got angry. I was frustrated. I just didn’t understand the man I was married to and some days it about drove me crazy! There were many, many “park and playground” incidences that I can recall — and I do mean many — but I’ll only share one week of these questionable moments with you. Slowly but surely the pieces are all beginning to fit together. And, the more pieces of this horrid puzzle that fall into place, the more sick my stomach becomes.
If you are new to this blog, please begin reading here. This blog is very quick reading — it’s written in story form so that you can follow along and learn with me what these “red flags” were all during our forty years of marriage and understand why I never acted on them. At the time these events were taking place, I didn’t even know what the word “pedophile” meant, let alone suspect that my husband was molesting children!
John traveled most days working the insurance job. It was not unusual for him to leave in the morning around 9:00 a.m. and not return until midnight when he was traveling to places that were two and three hours away. Honestly, I never did understand why he put himself under such pressure. We needed supplemental income, but he said to me, “I’ll never work a time clock! Never! I’ll be my own boss, set my own hours, and that’s how it will be.”
And, that’s just how he seemed happiest — he made his own appointments and off he went. Sometimes for a day, many times for a week at a time. I hated it that way, but he was a great salesman, made good money, and got to be his own boss, and even though there was terrible stress with a commission only job, he still said he’d never work for an hourly wage job.
I was laying in bed last night thinking about one particular week when his behavior was more odd than usual. He was stalling downstairs in his office (supposedly making appointments for the day), but when he came upstairs to leave it would be around ten o’clock or later which didn’t give him much of a work day at all considering he had to travel two hours one day.
By this time, we had a family of eight children — they were born pretty much one right after the other. And, yes, we did plan on having a large family — a question I still get asked to this day. This particular week, I got a frantic call from John one afternoon. “Clara, I need you to come get me. I’m stuck in some deep mud in a park. The more I tried to get out of this mess, the worse I dug my tires into this muck.”
“Where are you calling from? If you’re stuck, how do you have a phone?”
He was calling from a police car! The police were patrolling the park, and found John there and went up to him and asked him what he was doing. He said he was eating his lunch and preparing for his Sunday sermon while on lunch break.
“So what am I supposed to do?!?!”
He said, “Come get me. I’ll be at the police station. The car will have to be towed.”
I was furious! Absolutely furious! This meant packing up all 8 kids into the station wagon and driving two hours one-way to pick him up, paying for the cost of the gas, Turnpike tolls, and a towing fee! All because he drove into some park and got stuck in the deep mud!
This didn’t make sense then, but it sure does now!
I was not a happy camper over this, but his story sounded convincing enough and thankfully the car was okay. It was towed out of there, John got a fine (I’m still not sure why), and his car was ready for the road in a day.
Two days later I was rocking one of the kids to sleep for his nap and I got another frantic call from John.
“You’re not going to believe this. I was eating my lunch when I spotted a deer. I got out of the car to follow the deer tracks and when I went to leave I realized I locked my car keys inside of the car. I walked to the main road and hitched a ride to the nearest telephone. Can you come get me with the spare key?”
“You have got to be kidding me!” I screamed! Where are you?”
“I’m in the same park where I was stuck on Monday. I was eating lunch planning out the rest of the day when I saw the deer.”
Honestly, I was seeing red! “Why were you in the park?!?!?!?!”
“Because I like to eat in private and I like to get out and stretch my legs after sitting for two hours driving.”
So, I packed up the kids again, and off we went. This time I actually got to see where the car was. It was deep into a park right outside of Mars, Pennsylvania. Interestingly, it was located next to the little playground and the restrooms. Odd, I thought. There were beautiful spots where you could see the lake, but he was parked by the latrines and the swings for kids.
We rode home in silence. I was angry about this happening two times in one week. Irresponsible at the very least. And, very strange if you ask me. I usually backed down in an argument, but not this time. I wanted to know what the fascination was with driving into parks for lunch breaks. John often told me he took naps in parks when he got tired from driving. He ate his lunches among nature because that inspired him. He got out to stretch his legs. Or, he needed to use a bathroom and didn’t know where else to stop. Why did he drive all of those miles and spend so much time away from home sitting in parks? He was supposed to be making calls to clients!!!
I fell for his lies hook, line and sinker. Again, and again, I fell for the lies!
Red flag number one: Why would a policeman ask you to leave a public park if you’re not suspect to something? It didn’t click with me at all. If you’re minding your business, eating lunch, you’re breaking no rules at all in a public park. BUT — if you’re stalking little children on a playground, you will be asked to leave! When John was arrested two years ago, guess where he was taking children? To parks! Parks and playgrounds are hangouts for pedophiles!
Red flag number two: Why did John go back to the very same park two days after he got into trouble there? That didn’t make any sense at all to me. BUT — if you’ve found a special child that you’ve been watching for days on end, you’ll go back and study that child some more. You’ll get out of your car, walk over to that child and talk to that child. You’ll make friends. You’ll take pictures of that child. Why? Because that’s just exactly how pedophiles who molest gain the trust of children! I urge you to read “Not With My Child.” That book will enlighten you!
Red flag number three: John was always very secretive about “his car.” I was rarely allowed to drive it, and if I did, he always had to empty out boxes from the trunk of his car before I was allowed to drive the car. He called it his “office on wheels.” Granted he did have boxes of insurance forms and papers in the trunk, but he also had all kinds of other things. When his car had to be towed from the park, he was very anxious to get back to the car to “get some things.” He walked all the way back into the park to his car to get his bag of “stuff” rather than let it sit there in the car while the car was towed back to town. What was in there that was so special?? I would later find out, and it wasn’t pretty! (I’ll save this for another blog.)
Pedophiles who molest children often use parks and playgrounds as their hangouts. John used parks and playgrounds as his hangouts. Why? Children are always there, and they wear bathing suits, and shorts, and they pull their pants down when they go to the bathroom exposing themselves. Pedophiles who are looking for arousal can easily go into the restroom with young boys and get quite a show without the children ever knowing it. And, sadly, many parents will not watch their children at parks and will allow them to use the restroom alone. Pedophiles have easy access to peeking inside and watching these children.
My heart feels sick. One of the very first letters John wrote me when he was in Israel before we got married included details about how he hid behind the bushes and watched the young girls change out of their clothes into their swimsuits. Many times they swam nude. I cried when I read the letters because I thought it was so hurtful to tell me he was doing this while we were engaged. Now I cry because I know exactly what he was doing and why.
Parents beware! Please, please keep your children under your careful eyes at all times — especially at camps, playgrounds, and parks where others have easy access to watching your children, taking photos of your children, and getting close to your children and touching them where they should NEVER be touched!!!
We are too lax in our thinking — far too naïve in our thinking so many times. I was completely naïve and couldn’t put the pieces of this very odd behavior together until many, many children had been harmed.
Children are innocent. If someone says, “Pull down your pants and I’ll help you go to the bathroom”, they’ll let you do it. If a trustworthy looking adult offers you a bag of chips and a soda and then says, “Let me help you change out of your swimsuit and you can be all ready to go home when mommy comes up from the lake”, they’ll allow it. That’s when the very trained fingers of a pedophile go to work! I’m not mincing words because this is serious business.
Our children are precious! Let’s do all we can to keep them safe. Please, let’s make it impossible for molesters to get to our children. Set safe boundaries for your children and don’t get lazy with enforcing those boundaries — ever!
Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for reading and sharing. Thank you for doing your part to keep our children safe! Thank you for helping me warn others of the dangers that are often waiting for them in the most innocent of places!
Who is the molester? I’ll say it again and again. The molester is not the creepy guy with matted hair, smelly clothes, and dirt under his fingernails. He is the preacher, the teacher, the gym coach, the salesman, the businessman, the attorney, the Sunday school teacher. He’s anyone! Keep your eyes and ears open at all times. For the sake of the children, please stay alert!
Love,
Clara
Clara, How are you doing these days? You have been on my heart for the past few days. With the busy times of Christmas and New Years over, sometimes we settle back into routine and, from my experience, can hit a brick wall with our emotions. I am praying for you. I have a question….are you the author of the book, Silent Grief? I have not read the whole synopsis of it….is it about losing a child? Or is it also about sexual abuse and that grieving process? I am beginning training to be a Stephen minister and it seems as though it would be a good resource to have. I still don’t know if I will be able to walk alongside someone going through childhood sexual abuse…..I will have to pray about it if that opportunity presents itself. I feel as though my healing has been long-term now and it is not an issue that rears its’ ugly head anymore, but if I had to talk to someone about it often, I don’t know. I just want to be used where the Lord wants me. I have spoken about it to groups so perhaps, I would be just fine. I’m starting to ramble, so will end this novel. I really just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you….RIGHT NOW. Hugs from frigid Michigan
Hi, Jane! Thanks so much for stopping by. I’m doing good. Christmas was a mixed bag of emotions — some days very hard, but we got through!
Yes, I am the author of the book “Silent Grief” and it is a book on child loss. Silent Grief would not be a book that could be used as a resource for you with your work in helping others death with the grief of child abuse. I’m working on a book right now to be used as a resource book for child abuse, but that book won’t be completed for a while.
Keep me posted about you training. I think you’re going to be just wonderful! 🙂
Thanks for the info, Clara. The holidays can be so hard for so many reasons for so many people, can’t they? When my children were young, my husband had to work on Christmas Eve. I would always get so depressed at Christmas and by Christmas Eve, I would be in bed curled up in a ball. Once he got home, I would be able to pull myself together for the kids. But they were always hard days for me. I do fine now, Praise the Lord. When I allowed Him to heal all the hurt parts of me, He really did that. Of course, no one is ever all the way “normal”, at least not in my family, but I do so much better than when my kids were little. Those are my years of most regret, but the Lord has given me new chances with them and with my precious grandchildren. I will keep praying for you and your ministry and let you know what is going on here. Love in Him
I had to laugh about your comment, “no one is ever all the way ‘normal’– I sure do consider myself in that category! 🙂 Enjoy a beautiful day!
My fiance thinks I’m over protective or sometimes other parents think I’m “smothering” my kids when we got to playgrounds or parks. I however know all too well how a pedophile works. I was molested from the time I was 6 til I was 12 by my best friends grandfather. I’m completely paranoid that someone might try to do something like that to my kids, and I’m determined to not let that happen! I started at the beginning of your blog posts about your life with John, and so much of it sounds so familiar. My heart goes out to you and your children, as well as all the children he harmed during his time as a practicing pedophile. At 32 year old, I still have lasting effects from what that monster did to me. Guilt because somehow it might have been my fault (even though it’s been pounded into my head that it wasn’t, sleep issues, I’m terrified of the dark, the list goes on). Thank you from teh bottom of my heart for sharing this and getting it out there. More people need to realize how easy it is for these horrible people to do all these demoralizing and truly damaging things to innocent kids.
As far as I’m concerned, there is no such thing as being overly protective when it comes to our kids. I’m so sorry for the hell you were put through by your friend’s grandfather. I’m always curious to know if, at some point, you exposed him for who he really is — or at least confronted him. I realize this is a horrible situation and most often it’s more beneficial to you to move forward and focus on healing. It just angers me so that these men get away with doing this and their “dirty little secret” remains hidden.
I applaud you for having the courage to read my blog — I’m sure it isn’t easy and triggers all kinds of emotions from the past. I wish I could give you a great big hug in person right now!
Continue to focus on your healing and keep those children of yours safe. Pedophiles are sneaky (as you know) and we need to be smarter than they are if we’re going to keep our children safe.
My love to you!
My love to you!
I did tell my friend’s dad, whom he lived with to help take care of the kids (oh so helpful right?) But he didn’t believe that his dad was capable of doing something like that, and told us we were liars. I didn’t ever really confront him, but I did finally get the courage to tell him I couldn’t do that anymore. I never told anyone again until I was 22. I’m still friends with the girl who was abused with me, and we never talk about it. Thank you very much. I continue to share your blog with my friends and family.
Hello dear sister in this awful sorority…..I also think you are courageous in writing and telling part of your story. I just wanted to tell you that I also used to have night terrors. I wasn’t afraid of the dark, per se, but would awaken in the night terrified. One thing that would help me is I would get right out of bed and I would march through my house singing praise songs and praying God’s Word out loud. I don’t know if you are a Christian, but for a time, this is all that would help me. Also, I admire you for keeping your children close. I was determined to also do that and right under my eyes in my own home, my daughter was molested. I was very caught up in my healing and therapy at that time and did not notice her signs. I will pray for you that this never happens….now I deal with the guilt of not seeing what I swore I would never miss. She will still not talk of it and shuts down when I try, but she has never denied it either. She has a 3 year old and they live with us and I’m beginning to see her anger come out at him, just like mine did with my children. We are going to stop this cycle…..I will work on this issue until my dying breath. Good for you for being able to be transparent and to be a voice for other women. sending hugs to you across the cyberspace.
I recommend parents going to any place where children are playing to always keep one eye on their kids and the other on people around them. Also, pull up Megan’s Law for your state and town and know where registered offenders live and what they look like. I do this about once a month for our town, and several are living within eye’s view of the public playground and the Jr. High school. PA, as far as I know, doesn’t restrict where registered offenders can live. Some states don’t allow them to live within so many feet of playgrounds, schools, etc. But they can (and do) just as easily walk to these places and hang out for hours. I’ve witnessed it on a few occasions.
Jimmy, Thanks so very much for the input! Most definitely we need to go where our children are playing to keep an eye on them. When I think back of how trusting I was of everyone I shudder! And, I make it a practice to pull up Megan’s Law and type in my address just to check and see who is registered and living nearby. I began doing that several years ago when two registered sex offenders were living just a stone’s throw away.
I’d also high recommend people visiting your blog — you have so much valuable information there! http://jimmyhinton.org/
Again, thanks for being such a strong advocate for the children!
I understand that after all this it might seem any adult who hangs out at a park without kids would be a pedophile, but, I often eat lunch at a park near my work…because it’s nice.
I know a number of other people come, park their cars under a shady tree and eat or take a nap. And I did always worry about looking like a creeper, but it was the best place to eat in the summer.
Usually there aren’t any kids there. Sometimes there are huge groups of them. One day I was sitting in my car with the a/c running and was startled by a kid (10-12 yrs) knocking on my car window, I rolled it down a cracked and said hi. He wanted to know why adults came to the park and sat in their cars – clearly his group had elected him to go ask.
Now, I was horrified. That he would come up to a running car and knock on the window – doesn’t that fly in the face of everything parents teach their kids about strangers?
But, I was also just there to eat my lunch.
You were a woman. I overheard a mother to tell her young children that if they were ever lost in a mall to look for a woman with kids and ask them for help. Women are perceived as safe.
Pedophiles also hang out at the play areas at malls, the children’s part of the library, and play places at McDonalds.
I was in social services for many years and privy to sensitive info on sex offenders, and I called the police on more than one occasion when I spotted one just sitting and watching children at the mall. These were old men with no children or grandchildren around and no reason to be staring at little ones at the mall.
Since I am not shy about this type of thing, I told the parents what happened — after the police showed up. Perp names and the sheriff’s website listing of sex offenders, and told them to tell their friends. Better to inform the public than let one of these monsters touch another child.
Caught one sitting in the children’s area of the library, too, and did the same thing. No mercy for them at all — they belong behind bars for their entire lives as they do not change. Ever. They are flawed and dangerous for their entire lives.
Thank you for sharing your story and allowing me to add this information.
Kathy, Thank you so much for your input! Anywhere there are children, pedophiles will hang out. And, I do mean ANYWHERE!!! My son had a similar experience at the mall. He turned a man in — come to find out the man had been a “regular” at the children’s merry-go-round — eyeballing a specific little girl that was there. He was escorted out!!!
I’m so glad you are a voice for the children! Thank you so very much! We need so many more people like you!!!
When I lived in Reno, I spent a lot of time in the library. The homeless camped out in the magazine area of the library which was right next to the children’s section. There was always at least half a dozen homeless down there, minimum.