Admittedly, I’ve taken some time off from this blog because it’s been too hard to “go there” in my thoughts on most days. This is the Christmas season, and I want to be happy and in a celebratory mood — not dwelling on the past and all of the ugliness associated with being married for years and years to a practicing pedophile. I still have days when it’s hard to believe.
This week, though, I find it necessary to pull up some memories that caused huge red flags for me. I got angry. I was frustrated. I just didn’t understand the man I was married to and some days it about drove me crazy! There were many, many “park and playground” incidences that I can recall — and I do mean many — but I’ll only share one week of these questionable moments with you. Slowly but surely the pieces are all beginning to fit together. And, the more pieces of this horrid puzzle that fall into place, the more sick my stomach becomes.
If you are new to this blog, please begin reading here. This blog is very quick reading — it’s written in story form so that you can follow along and learn with me what these “red flags” were all during our forty years of marriage and understand why I never acted on them. At the time these events were taking place, I didn’t even know what the word “pedophile” meant, let alone suspect that my husband was molesting children!
John traveled most days working the insurance job. It was not unusual for him to leave in the morning around 9:00 a.m. and not return until midnight when he was traveling to places that were two and three hours away. Honestly, I never did understand why he put himself under such pressure. We needed supplemental income, but he said to me, “I’ll never work a time clock! Never! I’ll be my own boss, set my own hours, and that’s how it will be.”
And, that’s just how he seemed happiest — he made his own appointments and off he went. Sometimes for a day, many times for a week at a time. I hated it that way, but he was a great salesman, made good money, and got to be his own boss, and even though there was terrible stress with a commission only job, he still said he’d never work for an hourly wage job.
I was laying in bed last night thinking about one particular week when his behavior was more odd than usual. He was stalling downstairs in his office (supposedly making appointments for the day), but when he came upstairs to leave it would be around ten o’clock or later which didn’t give him much of a work day at all considering he had to travel two hours one day.
By this time, we had a family of eight children — they were born pretty much one right after the other. And, yes, we did plan on having a large family — a question I still get asked to this day. This particular week, I got a frantic call from John one afternoon. “Clara, I need you to come get me. I’m stuck in some deep mud in a park. The more I tried to get out of this mess, the worse I dug my tires into this muck.”
“Where are you calling from? If you’re stuck, how do you have a phone?”
He was calling from a police car! The police were patrolling the park, and found John there and went up to him and asked him what he was doing. He said he was eating his lunch and preparing for his Sunday sermon while on lunch break.
“So what am I supposed to do?!?!”
He said, “Come get me. I’ll be at the police station. The car will have to be towed.”
I was furious! Absolutely furious! This meant packing up all 8 kids into the station wagon and driving two hours one-way to pick him up, paying for the cost of the gas, Turnpike tolls, and a towing fee! All because he drove into some park and got stuck in the deep mud!
This didn’t make sense then, but it sure does now!
I was not a happy camper over this, but his story sounded convincing enough and thankfully the car was okay. It was towed out of there, John got a fine (I’m still not sure why), and his car was ready for the road in a day.
Two days later I was rocking one of the kids to sleep for his nap and I got another frantic call from John.
“You’re not going to believe this. I was eating my lunch when I spotted a deer. I got out of the car to follow the deer tracks and when I went to leave I realized I locked my car keys inside of the car. I walked to the main road and hitched a ride to the nearest telephone. Can you come get me with the spare key?”
“You have got to be kidding me!” I screamed! Where are you?”
“I’m in the same park where I was stuck on Monday. I was eating lunch planning out the rest of the day when I saw the deer.”
Honestly, I was seeing red! “Why were you in the park?!?!?!?!”
“Because I like to eat in private and I like to get out and stretch my legs after sitting for two hours driving.”
So, I packed up the kids again, and off we went. This time I actually got to see where the car was. It was deep into a park right outside of Mars, Pennsylvania. Interestingly, it was located next to the little playground and the restrooms. Odd, I thought. There were beautiful spots where you could see the lake, but he was parked by the latrines and the swings for kids.
We rode home in silence. I was angry about this happening two times in one week. Irresponsible at the very least. And, very strange if you ask me. I usually backed down in an argument, but not this time. I wanted to know what the fascination was with driving into parks for lunch breaks. John often told me he took naps in parks when he got tired from driving. He ate his lunches among nature because that inspired him. He got out to stretch his legs. Or, he needed to use a bathroom and didn’t know where else to stop. Why did he drive all of those miles and spend so much time away from home sitting in parks? He was supposed to be making calls to clients!!!
I fell for his lies hook, line and sinker. Again, and again, I fell for the lies!
Red flag number one: Why would a policeman ask you to leave a public park if you’re not suspect to something? It didn’t click with me at all. If you’re minding your business, eating lunch, you’re breaking no rules at all in a public park. BUT — if you’re stalking little children on a playground, you will be asked to leave! When John was arrested two years ago, guess where he was taking children? To parks! Parks and playgrounds are hangouts for pedophiles!
Red flag number two: Why did John go back to the very same park two days after he got into trouble there? That didn’t make any sense at all to me. BUT — if you’ve found a special child that you’ve been watching for days on end, you’ll go back and study that child some more. You’ll get out of your car, walk over to that child and talk to that child. You’ll make friends. You’ll take pictures of that child. Why? Because that’s just exactly how pedophiles who molest gain the trust of children! I urge you to read “Not With My Child.” That book will enlighten you!
Red flag number three: John was always very secretive about “his car.” I was rarely allowed to drive it, and if I did, he always had to empty out boxes from the trunk of his car before I was allowed to drive the car. He called it his “office on wheels.” Granted he did have boxes of insurance forms and papers in the trunk, but he also had all kinds of other things. When his car had to be towed from the park, he was very anxious to get back to the car to “get some things.” He walked all the way back into the park to his car to get his bag of “stuff” rather than let it sit there in the car while the car was towed back to town. What was in there that was so special?? I would later find out, and it wasn’t pretty! (I’ll save this for another blog.)
Pedophiles who molest children often use parks and playgrounds as their hangouts. John used parks and playgrounds as his hangouts. Why? Children are always there, and they wear bathing suits, and shorts, and they pull their pants down when they go to the bathroom exposing themselves. Pedophiles who are looking for arousal can easily go into the restroom with young boys and get quite a show without the children ever knowing it. And, sadly, many parents will not watch their children at parks and will allow them to use the restroom alone. Pedophiles have easy access to peeking inside and watching these children.
My heart feels sick. One of the very first letters John wrote me when he was in Israel before we got married included details about how he hid behind the bushes and watched the young girls change out of their clothes into their swimsuits. Many times they swam nude. I cried when I read the letters because I thought it was so hurtful to tell me he was doing this while we were engaged. Now I cry because I know exactly what he was doing and why.
Parents beware! Please, please keep your children under your careful eyes at all times — especially at camps, playgrounds, and parks where others have easy access to watching your children, taking photos of your children, and getting close to your children and touching them where they should NEVER be touched!!!
We are too lax in our thinking — far too naïve in our thinking so many times. I was completely naïve and couldn’t put the pieces of this very odd behavior together until many, many children had been harmed.
Children are innocent. If someone says, “Pull down your pants and I’ll help you go to the bathroom”, they’ll let you do it. If a trustworthy looking adult offers you a bag of chips and a soda and then says, “Let me help you change out of your swimsuit and you can be all ready to go home when mommy comes up from the lake”, they’ll allow it. That’s when the very trained fingers of a pedophile go to work! I’m not mincing words because this is serious business.
Our children are precious! Let’s do all we can to keep them safe. Please, let’s make it impossible for molesters to get to our children. Set safe boundaries for your children and don’t get lazy with enforcing those boundaries — ever!
Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for reading and sharing. Thank you for doing your part to keep our children safe! Thank you for helping me warn others of the dangers that are often waiting for them in the most innocent of places!
Who is the molester? I’ll say it again and again. The molester is not the creepy guy with matted hair, smelly clothes, and dirt under his fingernails. He is the preacher, the teacher, the gym coach, the salesman, the businessman, the attorney, the Sunday school teacher. He’s anyone! Keep your eyes and ears open at all times. For the sake of the children, please stay alert!
Love,
Clara
Clara, not even sure there are words for this experience. On one hand, it seem like even one of the arresting officers could have said something to help you out. Maybe even ask a question while showing you what was in the car…On the other hand, the fact that the boxes were still in the car could mean that he was sophisticated enough that they did not even see the contents of the boxes.
Your writing will continue to educate and hopefully change destructive cycles.
Linda,
This entire thing is so horrible that sometimes I can’t even go there in my mind yet. We need so much education — including our police officers! Pedophiles who molest are extremely intelligent!!!!
I responded yesterday, but just wanted to expand upon what you said about molesters do not look like the bad guys. When my daughter was little, I was positive that I was especially aware of anyone that might hurt her. But, I was so wrong and someone did get to her in her early teen years, right in our own house. My anger knows no limits towards him. He was a friend of my sons and he took his own life several years ago…..so now he is not only a molester, but someone who in death is held up to be some kind of hero. Please pray for my daughter as she has not yet been willing to tell me of this or deal with it. Her anger and rage are beginning to come out now, just as mine did in my 30’s. She has a little boy, 3 years old, and sometimes that anger is misguided and directed at him. She left an abusive marriage and they live with us. How could I have missed what was going on under my nose…..I don’t know, but I do know that when she is ready to face this, the Lord will carry us all through. Molesters are also big cowards as this shows my him taking the way out of suicide. Keep your children near.
Jane, You have no idea how heartbroken I am to read this. I get at least 10 such emails every week saying the same thing: “It happened right in my home, and I thought my child was so safe.”
I cannot stress it enough how malicious these predators are. Part of their “thrill” is getting away with their actions while they know parents are around. I’m so very sorry for the things that have happened in your daughter’s life. I most certainly will keep your daughter and you and your family in my many thoughts and prayers.
As far as molesters being cowards — I’m not sure. I think they are brazen — bold — arrogant — manipulative. I wouldn’t pretend to know why suicide became a choice for the molester, but in some ways perhaps this will give you some kind of closure.
And, you’re right — we do need to keep our children near — ALWAYS!!!!!
I’ve been following for awhile, and often get upset/angry when reading these posts. I’m so glad there’s a loving Father who can help you/others deal with the emotional trauma. I’m a mom of 4 young ones, 9 and under, and my nature is a more relaxed, non-worrier type (altho I am often skeptical of people around me)…..therefore these posts have been eye openers, and are helping me to be much more cautious. I’m so thankful you are following through with these posts, as hard as they are to write. I would love to give you a hug for all the pain you’ve had to endure. May you be blessed.
Lois, Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate the love and support so much.
Prior to all of this happening in our family, I was totally oblivious to things such as this. I believed that people were what they said they were. I trusted people. I took them at their word. Now…….it’s going to take a lot to restore my faith in humankind. If I could live that many years with someone and not know him, then God forbid! I now keep my eyes and ears open at all times. No child should ever have to go to bed in fear of being molested! No child should ever have to live with the trauma of molestation — ever!
Thank you for reading this blog, and for opening up your heart and mind to the information presented.
Clara, I also follow another blog that this morning sent a sad post. I thought you may be interested in reading it, and possibly reaching out. Here’s the link: http://wherethekudzugrows.com/2013/12/betrayal-reevaluation-and-the-rejection-of-legalism/
Thanks….
Lois, My heart continues to break a little more each day. Thank you so much for pointing me to this blog. There is so much work to be done!!!! Sometimes I fear that our voices aren’t united enough or strong enough.
Again, thank you!
Dear Clara,
My blog is the one linked in the above comments. (Thank you, Lois J!) Because she linked my blog, I received a ping and I found your blog. For the past four days I have poured over every word of your blog. The molester that I know was my husband’s best friend and his wife was my friend. He was a 4th grade school teacher for 25 years. He’s in prison for 17 years after admitting to molesting 20+ little girls. He was accused and arrested two years ago. Since then it’s been like watching a nuclear bomb go off in slow motion.
What has been compelling to me is the similarities between him and your ex-husband. Particularly devastating was the post about pictures. That very same thing happened with us! The difference is his wife is still firmly in his camp. The level of control he has over her wasn’t clear to me until I read your blog. I see now how he has groomed her and is still using her from prison. She was taking pictures of every event and sending them to him in prison, including pictures of the kids. She even lined up a group of girls (some of them my girls) and said, “Wave hello to Mr. Danny!” as she snapped a picture at a church party. She said he wanted to see how everyone had grown. We finally had to have an awkward confrontation and demand she not do that. It’s made things very weird between us because she really can’t understand why we’ve turned on our friend of so many years. She even sent us a Christmas card with him in his prison jumpsuit that they took of their family at a prison visit, as if we would welcome a pedophile’s photo to hang on our refrigerator!
She refuses to watch news or read any testimony of the victims. I’ve read it all. She said he told her not to and that he will tell her little by little. It’s been two years and she doesn’t even know the full extent of what he’s done. Now I’m beginning to see the level of control he has over her. She was/is a perfect pedophile enabler.
Anyway, I’m really struggling with it all right now. We also go to church together so we face her and the children which is very difficult for me. Your blog has been a balm to my soul and has let me know that I am not crazy! Sometimes I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. Your words have ministered to me. Thank you for sharing your painful story. It has helped me understand all the bizarre behaviors I noticed but never in a million years attributed to molesting children. I have really had several light bulbs go off as I read your words. Please continue to write your story. I need to know it, more than I ever imagined.
Again, I can’t thank you enough for being willing to be so transparent. May the Lord continue to bless and heal you and your children.
I am so sorry to hear of yet another person who has molested so many little girls! Every time someone reads the blog, I hear similar comments — “This could be my story. Some of the things you posted sound like I was writing them.” Once we understand the mind of a pedophile, we can see more clearly just how similar they really are!
Since this has all come to light in my life, it’s like the blinders have been pulled off and I can see clearly, thank God! For years and years I was kept under such tight control that I couldn’t think for myself. And, that’s just what you’ve described with the wife of the molester that you know. She’s still held firmly in this man’s grip. It bothers me so much that she’s sending him pictures in prison and that she doesn’t “get it.” I can’t emphasize enough that every trickery and lie in the book will be used by these molesters to continue to get their “fixes” — even while in prison! So sad, and so sick.
Thank you so much for having the courage to read the blog. It’s not easy to write and share so many details of my life, but because of comments such as yours, I feel compelled to continue to share and hopefully educate others.
It is my constant prayer that person by person we will grow stronger, more educated, and more empowered until we are no longer afraid to speak out when we see “odd behavior” and that we will go to any lengh to be an advocate for our children!
Thank you so much for your comment! I will be writing a very informative post this week. I pray that it will help shed even more light on this horrific subject.
Hi, I’m Lois. I’d noticed you’d not written on your blog for a while, but was so sad to find out why. I’m glad you didn’t mind me linking your blog to Miss Clara. I believe the Lord lead it all this way. I was really hoping you could find her blog because I wondered if maybe it could minister to you. I would have told you about it, but didn’t know how to comment on your blog, so did it this way. May you continue to find healing.
If I recall correctly, you live in the south, also. And, If I recall correctly, you are not a lover of cold weather? 😉 So, I imagine you are not just loving the temps these days. Sure does make a person thankful for warm homes.
Blessings to you and your family in the coming days……
Lois, Your comment made me smile. I am most definitely a lover of the warm weather — especially any place that is near a beach! 😉 But, I live in the mountains of Pennsylvania, and right now we’re in a deep freeze. I’m already counting the days until spring!
I’m actually going to write a blog post this evening. And, I thank you for linking the blog. This is one of the most wonderful ways to get support out there!
Lois, I don’t mind at all! In fact, I’m so thankful. This has been a horrible two years, not just because of the molestation but also my mother’s illness, the death of my good friend and pastor’s wife just ten days before the arrest of the molester I know and who was the music leader in our church, and the loss of two grandbabies through miscarriage. That’s why I’ve basically abandoned my blog. I hope to dust it off one day and get back into it because I find it good therapy for life 🙂 (which is why I wrote the post I did). Because of your link up, I found this blog and it has helped me more than you know. I’ve shared it with a few friends that also know this molester quite well and are friends with his wife so we’re all in the same boat, so to speak. Truly this blog has been a tremendous blessing to me and I need to know more. I plan to read the books mentioned throughout the blog because before this happened to me, I had NO IDEA that the little weird things were actually pretty common red flags. My children were in harm’s way for over a decade. It makes me sick. Not diminishing the damage he did cause to probably more girls than we’ll ever know, I am thankful that my children were spared. It’s only by God’s grace because I had my guard down the whole time and trusted him completely.
Anyway, this has turned more into another blog post than a comment. 🙂 And yes, we’re in the deep south though you’d never know it to look at the thermometer outside! Brrrr!
Clara, I look forward to reading more. I’m subscribed to your blog now so I won’t miss a post. Again, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I have been following your blog for awhile now. How courageous you are to get these secrets that pedophiles use to manipulate and cause children and victims to live in fear, sometimes for the rest of their lives. This story needs to be told and I thank you for telling it through what must be unspeakable pain for you. I was a victim, but I have been healed through the Lord’s touch on my life and through years of counseling with a Christian counseling. The road is long and hard, but there is a way out and healing at the end of that journey. I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas. How are your children doing with all that they have been through.
Jane, It’s always a blessing to hear when someone has traveled the road of molestation and can now say, “I am healed.” Those words give hope to thousands!!! Thank you so much for sharing that with us!
To say we’re all A-okay would be a lie. It’s difficult for our family. My children loved their dad with such a deep respectful love. This has been heartbreaking, and that’s putting it mildly. I will say, though, they are the greatest group of children I know. They are each dealing with this grief in his/her own personal way and everyone has been so gracious with support. They will make it — one day at a time. One prayer at a time. Thank you so much for asking.
Thanks for sharing………………………
Laura, Thank YOU for reading. I know this isn’t pleasant reading by any means. Somehow I have to do something with this pain, and this is one of the ways I feel can help — by making others more aware of how insidious the pedophiles are when crafting their ways to get to our children.