If you’re visiting this blog chances are you are interested in something to do with child abuse — the definition, how to get help, how to report if abuse is going on, and how to find healing. You are probably here, too, because you’ve begun reading my story of what it was like to live with a man for almost 40 years as he carried out horrible acts of crimes against children as he lived a double life. Preacher, husband, beloved father by day — child molester to some of the most horrendous crimes of child abuse by night!
I don’t know if it’s the changing of the seasons, or knowing the impending “biggie holidays” are just around the corner, but there has been a wave of thoughts hitting me day and night for the past few weeks — nagging thoughts always ending with the question, “Is prison the right place for pedophiles?”
My unwavering answer is “YES”! Already I know I’m going to get emails about forgiveness, God’s mercy, and how I must be willing to forgive if I want to enjoy healing. Let me preface this post by saying that this is not about forgiveness. This is about the hard, difficult to understand facts about pedophiles.
Like it or not, I have yet to find data to confirm that there are reformed pedophiles living among us. Oh, there might be a few here or there, but……what I’m reading and hearing is just the opposite. Pedophiles will always molest when given the opportunity of being around children! And, that is why I will continue to be thankful for laws that keep pedophiles in prison away from young children.
Today I was researching materials on how I can further my education to become a better community leader in the fight against child sexual abuse. In my research, I came across a video that is probably the single most powerful video I’ve seen yet containing testimonials from adults who were abused as children. They tell their stories with facts, poise, and confidence. They are in the process of healing, but they are raw in their definition of what the pain of child abuse was like and how difficult it is to live each day with the trauma left from this abuse.
Twenty minutes. That’s all I’m asking. Please watch this video that is twenty-two minutes long. Listen to former Miss America, Marilyn Van Derbur, tell her story of the thirteen years she endured of her father “prying her open.” She refuses to use the word “abuse” because she says it is too diluted. Too much of the real meaning of child sexual abuse is lost in using words that do not present true visuals.
*NOTE: If you are in a fragile state due to the trauma of child abuse, please use extreme caution when watching the video because it may cause triggers to occur that you’re not expecting.
It is NOT okay to sexually use or abuse children — ever! It is time to begin doing more to educate others about how to prevent child sexual abuse! It is never too late to speak out about your abuse. Why? Because there is healing and empowerment as you let go of the feelings of victim and cling ever so tightly to the word “survivor.”
Who is the molester? I’ll say it again and again. The molester is the person you love and trust. The molester is your beloved husband (as was true in my life). The molester is your minister, your child care worker, your cousin, your uncle, your father, your stepfather, your mother.
The molester can be anyone and 90% of the child victims know their abuser!
I lived most of my adult life with a man who molested children that entire time. He has never denied that. In fact, he has written letters from prison explaining with explicit details about how he got away with it. He does not cower in shame and remorse over his actions. He has not even begun to understand the amount of pain his actions have caused countless others. Instead, he uses his mind to work on ways to wear people down by saying, “You don’t understand God. You have no concept of forgiveness.”
I will say to that, “You have no concept of taking responsibility for your actions.” We tend to forget that the pedophile has choices; the young, innocent child does not!
Listen carefully to what the former Miss America says about her father at the very end of the video and you will understand more about why I believe prison is a 100% necessity for pedophiles. Read Ana Salter’s book and you will understand so much about the mind of a pedophile and how it works.
I will continue to share my story with you, and every now and then I will add an additional post such as this to give you some additional resources and reasons why we need to continue to work hard — every day — to protect our children!
Please continue to share this blog. That is the only way others are going to know about the information given here.
For those who need to reach me, my email address is: clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com . I am available to come speak to your group, and I will be working very hard in the next few months to get some additional helpful resources made available to you.
If you would like to make a guest blog post (and you can do so anonymously) please email me at the above email address for the guidelines.
Thank you so much for your help with the job at hand — protecting our innocent children!
Love,
Clara
WOW, Clara thanks for sharing the video, it was powerful. There are so many comments I want to make. Lets see how long it takes before I get to tired to comment anymore, and just go to bed. I was 43 years old, when I finally spoke the words of the abuse that I experienced. Today, I feel as if I am no longer a victim, and I am no longer a survivor…I am finally free to be me. My abusers no longer define me. I no longer have to strive for perfection, I no longer have to be right, and I no longer have to be in control of every aspect of the world. It has been freeing for me, to finally be able to become me. However, it is forgiveness of my victim that allows me to do just that. When I find myself thinking I have to be the best, I can talk back to my thoughts and say “You did not deserve what happened, You did not ask for it, You are not to blame. It is okay to feel scared, it is okay to not have an answer, and it is okay to be wrong.” It is through forgiveness that allows me such freedom. Forgiveness is important, not for the low life that has hurt children, but for the healing of the broken. Somehow, once I forgave, I was able to be free. I also at times feel as if I have to renew that forgiveness, or the results of his abuse creeps back into my daily life.
I do agree with you, and YES absolutely a child sex offender BELONGS in prison. Pedophilia is caused by something in the brain that does not work right. It is a neurological disorder, part of their chemical make up, and the only way to protect the public from a pedophile is to take the pedophile out of the public. I don’t believe that the pedophile has a choice, it is WHO they are, it is HOW they are made. They are made dangerous. I don’t feel that serial murderers have a choice either, and most serial murderers go to prison for life. Sadly, it takes true investigative work to determine if someone is a serial murderer or if they are a true pedophile. Pedophiles don’t get caught the first time, there is a line of victims and those victims need to speak out, but most are never approached as our legal system only investigates the initial crime. I think laws need to be written to clearly define pedophilia, and deal with it in a manner that is affective.
Well my dear friend, I have reached that moment where the head must find the pillow. Hope this response finds you doing well. My prayers for you and your family continue….Love ya
Donna, Thanks so very much for your comments. I appreciate so much the fact that you said you are now free to just be you!!! 🙂 That’s such a blessing, isn’t it? And, you nailed it — pedophiles need to be taken out of society because they are a constant danger to children. I’m not convinced that pedophiles cannot make choices, though. In John’s case, he was the very first one to openly say, “Sure, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I continued to do it.” That implies to me that he did indeed have a “choice.” He was quite able to reason right from wrong. There’s much to be learned yet about pedophilia. For now, I will stand firm on one thing. All pedophiles must stay away from children! My love to you, too. It’s always so good to hear from you!
I think they can make choices, I think they can choose to not offend. I believe that there are people in society that make that choice. Which one would openly admit, that they are sexually attracted to a child. That would be social suicide. I believe that once they act on that desire, they can’t undo it. I think the wiring of the brain is broken and once they feed that addiction they can’t stop. I think the recidivism rate of pedophilia is high then that of alcoholism, or drug addiction and the victims are far more populous. We all have choices in regards to our behavior, we all make bad choices sometimes, the consequences of pedophilia are devastating not to the perpetrator, but to his/her victims. The perpetrator gets off with little to no consequences unless he gets caught….Getting caught needs to truly hurt….The message needs to be, that IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACT OF THIS, THEN YOU CHOOSE TO BE SENT TO A DESSERTED ISLAND to PROTECT SOCIETY….
Donna, Thank you so much for this explanation both from the perspective of a survivor and of a nurse. You said something so very important for us to remember in our efforts to educate people about how to prevent child abuse: “The perpetrator gets off with little to no consequences unless he gets caught.” And, that is why we continue to work so hard to educate others about how to keep their children safe!! My love to you!
Donna Lemer,
I believe there could be something in the brain that can activate a pedophile into a pedophile, a murderer into a murderer, and many other sins, but to say they have no choice…I have to disagree with that. If they initially feel that urge then is the time to talk to someone about it. Otherwise we are saying that they have no concept of right and wrong. If they do not know the difference, then we are allowing them to not call their sin what it is–sin. They have done MRI studies of the brains of sociopaths. It only shows that the potential is there. It does not show that they will become sociopaths. Most people overcome.
Clara, when I taught literature to young teens, we often talked about how most stories boil down to the conflict between good and evil, and the idea of balancing the scales between the two.
The fact that good/evil conflicts will result in struggles between two individuals or between groups of individuals is obvious. But we also have to understand that humans also have an internal, self, conflict between good and evil. In other words, we humans do get to choose between good and evil in our own lives. Then, having chosen – and here is what many people won’t admit in our world today – each individual must accept the results of his/her choice.
Your husband chose, but even so, it seems, he’s unwilling to face and accept the consequences of his decision: prison time, loss of spouse, loss of family, destruction of his reputation, etc. He can seek God’s forgiveness if he is truly repentant, but He must one day realize that his family would never forget the devastation brought on by his choices. His choices, when brought to the light, have harmed each of you, robbing your family of the security and trust you once had.
On the other hand, as an act of survival, you are choosing, Clara, to do good by educating others about the danger of pedophiles. By doing so, you are “rebalancing the scales.” You are opening eyes, teaching, and effecting changes that will protect our precious children now and in the future. You cannot undo what your husband did, but you can provide protection for many, many other children…and that is an admirable, God-blessed task!
I am sad for all you’ve suffered, Clara, yet hopeful for all you are doing. May God bless you richly as He helps you to survive.
(Matthew 7: 15-16 comes to mind.)
I was 40 years old when a therapist unlocked my memory of horrible child abuse. There were three different men. I FOUND OUT THAT AS A CHRISTIAN I WAS COMMANDED TO FORGIVE. It was not for the perpetrators but for me. Harboring hate was causing problems both physically and mentally and mostly as a Christian and my walk with Christ. I was shown a story from Corrie Tenboom on how she faced one of the guards that tormented her in the camp she was in. He was in line to shake her hand AFTER SHE SHARED HER STORY IN PUBLIC. She tried three times to raise her hand but couldn’t so she finally said “Lord I can’t forgive him. Please forgive him for me”. Then she felt a peace and took his hand. I do believe Christians need forgiveness for their own good. Having said that I also believe pedophiles and all criminal acts should be punished for their crimes. Forgiveness does not mean setting a criminal free by any means. They need to pay the consequences of their deeds. I spent two weeks on a “mental ward” with a Christian counselor (from New Day in Johnstown) coming daily. God blessed me with a miracle of healing from abuse and I was then able to tell my story in public. Along with a “New Day” representative I told my story in many churches in the county and several seminars and that is why we have a Christian counseling organization in Somerset. They have now changed their name but continue their counseling. Just wanted to share my experience with forgiveness as a Christian. Unrelated to this I have a family situation andd would greatly appreciate your prayers for forgiveness to take place and heal our family.
Laura K, Thank you so much for sharing your story of abuse, forgiveness, and healing!!! The part that so many Christians don’t understand is what you stated so beautifully — “Forgiveness does not mean setting a criminal free. They need to pay the consequences of their deeds.” Amen!
Laura, I continue to pray daily for your family situation — for healing and forgiveness to take place.
I believe that prison is a better place for pedophiles than being free, but I think that Biblically, the death sentence (as in, execution within a matter of days after being found guilty, not years) is what should happen. If someone hurts even one child, they should be executed.
Laura, I think a lot of people would agree with you on this. It is unbearable for me to read and hear of some of the ways children have been raped and abused thousands of times again and again. So many of these people (if you want to call them that) NEVER receive a punishment. They go to their graves still abusing children. The death penalty just might be reason enough for a pedophile to stop and think before acting.
TOTALLY agree with you!!
WOW! That was so powerful! Clara, you are doing such a service to children. I hope that more and more and more will have the courage to speak up and get more people behind bars, no matter how prominent the perpetrator is. Thank you for your courage.
Sally,
Thank you so much! It is my prayer — day and night — that more and more who have been abused will speak out, too! Not only is it liberating and healing, but….it sends a very clear message to the perpetrator: “We will no longer tolerate child abuse!”