Thanks so much for continuing to read my story of what it was like being married for almost forty years to a practicing pedophile without knowing it.  This continues to be the most difficult journey of my life to date.  Every time I think that progress in the realm of grief is being made, there’s some kind of trigger – a setback – that puts my mind in a place where I question everything and everyone – the trust issues are horrible.  I look at people and in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “You’re such a fake.  How can I ever believe you?”  And, then I feel terrible for thinking this way, but………there’s a reason for my lack of trust.  Living with a man who had a “secret dark side” as he himself described it to me in a letter from prison does horrible things to you.

And, so it was that I found myself sinking into that dark place of mistrust and grief this holiday weekend.  Thank God for family and friends who called me (not at all knowing how I was feeling).  They were my life-lines.  They pulled me back to a place of feeling somewhat normal – somewhat okay.  A place where I wasn’t so alone with my thoughts.  Sometimes that’s the only way to cope with the pain that’s left behind.

That being said, let’s pick up where we left off last week.  John’s office became his secret hideaway.  As I said, never had I been given the liberty to enter his office unannounced, and never, ever was I allowed to enter in the mornings, nor did I ever hold a key to his office the entire time we were married.  Looking back on this one thing, I can see how fully John controlled me.  I wasn’t “allowed” to enter his secret place.  How absurd is that?  Now I can see the control; then I didn’t.  

Note:  When a person is being abused, often they don’t understand the concept of control as being abuse.  You become conditioned to it, and after you get worn down emotionally, there is a feeling of defeat – no desire to fight back, and then there is a feeling of dependency on the abuser. The thought of making the simplest of decisions on your own isn’t in your realm of thinking.  Why?  Because the abuser has enforced this idea into your head in a million different ways:  “You cannot live without me.  You cannot think without me.  You cannot make decisions without me.”  And, so the victim stays and allows the abuse to continue.  There is a paralysis of sorts — a total feeling of helplessness and the inability to survive away from the abusive situation.

John was all-consumed in planning for this church New Year’s Eve party for kids. He bought several party planning books, and poured through them for hours at a time.  Often, I’d glance at him and see a sneering type of smile on his face.  I hated that look.  It wasn’t a real smile.  It was a sneer.  Only two years ago did I find out that this “sneer” is often a physical trait of a pedophile.  The sneer along with no eye contact.  John had both.

New Year’s Eve arrived and I was very pregnant.  Our second child was due the third week in January and our first child was soon to turn two-years-old.  I cooked food for the party until I was so tired I couldn’t stand up, BUT I was not invited to stay for the party which was no surprise to me.  I grew quite accustomed to helping provide food, having a clean house, being gracious to parents when they dropped off their kids, and then excusing myself to go upstairs out of the way.  By this time, this was “life” for me.  Very rarely did I cry.  I simply accepted this as my role as John’s wife.  The emotional abuse and control were working!

This particular New Year’s Eve the party was held in the church parsonage where we lived.  Parents were all too willing to drop off their kids to spend a wonderful night “with the new preacher.”  And, I get it.  I really do.  We all assume our kids are going to be safe at church.  This was perfect.  The parents got a night out on New Year’s Eve while their kids were in the safe-keeping of the preacher.

NOTE: Please never assume just because there is a church party or a church activity that it’s safe.  It’s up to you, the parent, to keep your children safe! 

John was in party mode.  He had a funny New Year’s Eve hat that he wore, and as usual he was the life of the party.  He loved to do things like stand upside down against the wall and make funny faces.  He planned a talent contest that evening.  And, he also had a list of games prepared to keep the kids busy all night long.

There was a “pass the marshmallow on the spoon game.”  There was a “pass the lifesaver on the toothpick” game.  And, there was “the pedophile’s game” as I have recently learned.

I was reading from the book, “Not With My Child” recently, and I about passed out.  There it was in black and white.  THE GAME.  It was the game that John loved to play at every party he planned that had kids.

It was the “peek-a-boo doctor game.”  He would take one kid in a room alone while a panel of other children waited in the main area.  The “alone kid” would be prepped on a table with a sheet over top of him/her.  Then, the kids were allowed to enter the room where there was a child laying on the floor or a table with a sheet draped over top.  A list of questions had been prepared by John, and the panel would then ask the “draped” child a question.  For every question the child could not answer, a piece of clothing would get tossed out from under the sheet. An incorrect answer meant a piece of clothing was tossed from the child under the sheet.

First a sock.  Then, another sock.  Then, a shirt.  Then a belt.  By now the others were squealing, of course.  The last piece of clothing to be tossed out was the person’s pants.  By this time, everyone was jumping up and down yelling and screaming because the only thing left to take off was underwear.

It was then, that John would give some crazy speech about closing their eyes, don’t peek, this was getting too wild, and look out because we’re now playing doctor.  Of course the final question would be asked and the kid under the sheet would throw out a pair of underwear and everyone would be screaming and yelling, “No, no!  I can’t believe this.  Oh, no!”

The kid on the table would then jump up and everyone was expecting a naked child!  And, fortunately, the child had put on a second pair of shorts that John provided in the “secret peek-a-boo room” and by then everyone was running around yelling, “I can’t believe that.  How did you do that?” And, on and on it went.

I watched this game from the stairway and just kind of sat with my mouth hanging open.  It was a weird game.  I’d never seen a game like that before.  Usually you play Bible trivia, Bible charades – things like that were played at church youth parties.  But, “let’s pretend to get naked?”  What was the purpose?  What could possibly be the point of some kind of game like this?

I wondered what parents would think when their kids told them about playing doctor peek-a-boo.  I wondered why something just didn’t feel right about that entire thing?  And yet, maybe I was being the weird one who wasn’t much fun.

I looked at John and he was rolling over laughing until tears were falling down his face.  He loved this game, and the kids begged him to play it again and again.

In years to come, he’d play this game and other versions of the “peek-a-boo doctor game” at church camp and countless other kids’ parties.  Never once did a parent question the game.  Never once did a child decline playing the game.  On several occasions John played the advanced version where HE laid on the table with a sheet draped over him and he loved the excitement of the kids squealing when he’d throw out the underwear making kids think he was naked under the sheet.

As I think back on all of the years of his planning games, he always had games that involved some sort of semi-nudity, hiding in the dark, playing tag at night in the woods after dark, and flashlight tag.  Those were his favorites!

I’m sickened at the thought of these games now.  I know what this is called.  He was grooming these kids.   He was testing – seeing which ones would do exactly as he told them to do.  Conditioning them to see him in only a pair of shorts – belt off, shirt off, shoes off.  Kids’ party game?  I don’t think so!!!!!!!  These games were practice for the bigger acts of child molestation that he would do all throughout the years.

Sadly, some of these very “games” are the games played with children as precursors to  molesting them.  In the book, “Not With My Child”, it explains how excited a pedophile gets when watching a child take off articles of clothing.  I never thought of that before!!!!  And, it sickens me to think of it now.  Children don’t know what’s going on – they’re not thinking that way!  To them these games were nothing more than silly fun.  And, preacher John was their hero – he showed them such a good time!!!   

Please pay attention:  There are appropriate and inappropriate games to play with children.  These games chosen so specifically by John were completely inappropriate.  They provided sexual stimulation for the man was a practicing pedophile.  He was testing these kids to see how far they’d go with the game without telling their parents.  He was testing me to see what he could get away with right in front of me. He was manipulating both children and adults for the sole purpose of self-gratification.  Pedophiles get a thrill out of being in charge.  Often the control is as stimulating and as gratifying as the actual act of molesting!

Why didn’t I question him?  I was shocked, but kept thinking maybe there was something wrong with me.  Maybe he was right – maybe I had no sense of humor and didn’t know how to have fun.  He said kids needed a chance to kick back and have some good, clean fun.  I honestly didn’t get it, yet in my gut I felt something was wrong.

Remind yourself over and over: If it feels wrong, then it probably is!  The peek-a-boo, let’s get naked doctor game was wrong!  Everything about it was wrong.  Yet never did anyone question why this game was being played – implemented by the preacher and played at church parties.  Do you see how smart pedophiles are?  They can get away with just about anything – RIGHT IN FRONT OF OTHERS! 

Parents, it’s time to stop being naive (as I was) and begin questioning.  Let’s stop allowing this grooming, abuse, and molesting of our children!  Talk to your kids.  Ask them what goes on at parties.  In fact, be there at the parties!!!  If a party seems even a little bit inappropriate, take your child home and don’t allow your child back.  If you don’t watch your child somebody else will!  This is how molesting begins.  This is how the trap is set.  This is how kids are conditioned to taking off their clothes for an adult and taught to view that same adult with his clothes off.  It’s not right!  There’s nothing right about it.!

Learn from my stupidity, please!  Let’s stop making it so easy for pedophiles to molest our children! 

Next time we will talk about Bible studies.  Seeking to save the lost OR seeking those to molest under the pretense of saving the lost?  My insides shake as the veil is pulled from my eyes and I am finally seeing an ace as an ace, a spade as a spade, and a molester as a molester!

For the children, let’s get smarter!  Keep your eyes open, and follow your gut feeling.

I’ll say it again, if something feels wrong, it probably is!

Thanks so much for following along with my story.  I know this is hard reading for so many of you.  Believe me, it’s not easy for me to revisit these places in my life, either.  I’m left feeling so horrible that I can’t even express it in words.  I’ve beaten myself up a million times over for not seeing what was going on in my marriage. I can’t change the past, unfortunately, but I can do all in my power to educate others so that this kind of horror doesn’t continue. No child ever should be put in any situation that leaves the door open for a predator to use that child — ever!  Thank you for helping me to spread the word.  Together we can do it!  Together we can stop these predators before they reach our children!

Love,

Clara

PS  Around 1:30 a.m. on New Year’s Day we received a call that one of the teenagers from church had died in a car accident.  This tragedy was something John used to his advantage for years and years to come.  “Send your kids to the church for a safe night of fun on New Year’s Eve.”  John became an icon — the New Year’s Eve hero of sorts.  In the eyes of the parents, he was wonderful.  He was fun!  He was entertaining!  He was the most awesome preacher ever – all while planning, plotting, and gaining access to children for his evil ways! 

My heart feels broken.