It’s been a while since I’ve written, but I certainly have not forgotten you. In all honesty, I’ve been taking care of myself following the sudden loss of my son. There are days when my heart feels so heavy that I don’t want to move. But, there are also those days that are blessed with new hope and smiles, and I am most thankful for those days.
I thought it would be appropriate to get back to my story of living with a practicing pedophile so that we can continue to understand a bit more of the mind of a predator, as well to understand much more about what happens to those whose lives are touched by the actions of a predator. Christmas was always a big time in our home even though we didn’t give lavish gifts. Who could afford that with such a large family? But, we did try to make Christmas a beautiful holiday for the kids — one centered around God, the birth of our Lord, and the beauty of showing love in special ways.
As the kids got older, the gifts became more grown up — less fun, I guess you could say, and more of the necessary things like warm coats, thermal gloves and boots — you know what I’m talking about.
John was an odd man about a lot of things including Christmas. As you know, he was a preacher and you would think that as a Christian he would have absolutely loved Christmas, and loved teaching about the birth of Christ. But, and this is where it gets interesting……….nobody ever knew what John was going to preach about on Christmas!
I remember one particular year when the congregation had been hearing him give lead-in sermons that talked about the wise men, the immaculate conception, and the bright star of Bethlehem. Everyone was prepared on Sunday for a beautiful Christmas sermon.
Instead, it was as though we all got knocked off of our seats and hit over the head with what he said!
“I refuse to celebrate Christmas, and you should, too! Do you know that Christmas is a pagan holiday? Do you know the origin of this holiday? Do you all sit around the tree and sing songs and worship a tree? Do you know that we should not even say the word ‘Christmas’?”
By now I could feel my heart racing, and my blood pressure rising from fear and anxiety. I never, ever knew what this man was going to say or do!
Our kids were all sitting on the pew next to me in church and I remember looking at them as if to say, “I don’t know what’s coming next, but I don’t feel real good about it!”
And, then he let us all have it! We were made to feel like monsters sitting in church. We were made to feel evil, dirty, and so full of sin for coming together to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
*Note: I realize not everyone reading this blog believes in the Christian faith, but John claimed to be a Christian and the people of this congregation believed in the birth of Christ. To hear him speaking evil against this was like something out of a movie!
“I refuse to give gifts. I did not get my wife a gift. And, I’m upset that she bought gifts for my children. I had nothing to do with decorating a tree (and he didn’t!) because it is against my beliefs! You all need to go home and begin studying about this pagan holiday! I will not call this Christmas ever!”
By now, hot tears were streaming down my face. He had once again humiliated me and the kids. He had degraded those innocent ones in church who came to worship God on what is considered the most blessed day of worship in all of Christianity.
We were in shock as he shook his bible and went on a thirty minute rant about how sacrilegious we all were.
There was nothing but silence in the congregation. I still shake from the inside out remembering that particular Sunday morning.
One brave little old little stood up and said, “I’ll never set foot in this place again!” And, she walked out never to return. Oh, how much I admire her yet to this day!
As for the rest of us…………we sat there in stunned silence.
What in the world does this have to do with sexual abuse? What does this have to do with pedophilia? What does this have to do with any kind of abuse?
Control. Manipulation. Power. Thrill-seeking. Playing people for puppets. Using the shock effect. Need I go on?
As this particular Sunday service ended, nobody said a word leaving the church building. It was a most bizarre scene. Nobody challenged John (except the little old lady who had the courage to break away and leave.) We all just hung our heads bewildered by it all.
The story doesn’t end here, though. I wish it did, but there was more to this odd, confusing, painful day.
We ate lunch in silence — nobody knowing what to say or do. What this the same dad who had just moments before been singing Christmas carols in our home as we got ready for church? Was this the same man who had admired our Christmas tree sitting in the living room? What this the same person who had in years past read Christmas stories to the kids at bedtime?
Was I crazy?!?!?!?!?!?!
I can’t remember how many days it was until December 25, but of course I was not expecting any kind of gift. That part was not unusual.
But……….this year was different. Quite different!
We were sitting around the table talking about who knows what when John reached behind his back and pulled out a beautifully wrapped gift. I still remember how lovely the gift bag was. He smiled a strange type of smile and passed along the gift saying, “This is for mother.”
Again my heart began racing. I thought it might be something like perfume. Maybe a necklace? A bracelet? No, the bag was too big for that! What could it be?
Inside of the bag, I slowly removed the gift wrap and began pulling out something silky. Now, keep in mind my kids were older by this time — many of them teenage boys.
I took one look and about died on the spot. There was a totally sheer, see-through “something” that I knew I would never wear! It wasn’t just the gift — I could have accepted that, but it was literally about 10 sizes too large for me! I had never seen anything like it — ever! Trust me, it wasn’t something you could buy in a regular department store!!!!!
I quickly shoved that back into the bag with my mouth hanging open.
What do you say to something like that?
John hated shopping. In fact, he would tell everyone that he hadn’t gone into a store in years — not even to buy shoes. And, this? I couldn’t picture him walking into a women’s underwear department and picking out a gift like this!!!! I honest and truly could not picture that scene in my mind, and yet………dangling right before my eyes was this “gift.”
I honestly “get it” now. This was another way to embarrass and humiliate me. It was another way to twist the truth and make me seem like something was wrong with me. It was another way to shame me. It was another way for him to come off as a great father and husband in front of the kids while making me look like an ungrateful wife.
I still have this garment packed away in my cedar chest. Why? Sometimes you just know deep inside that you need to keep certain things to remind you of either your extreme happiness or your extreme pain. This was kept to remind me of my pain.
I often took that lingerie out of the bag and looked at it, held it up to me as it drooped down to my knees, and saw how I could wrap three bodies inside of it and thought to myself, “This is just so wrong. So very wrong. He knew what he was doing. He did this to hurt me, not to give me a nice gift.”
That did hurt me. It hurt for a long, long time. But, thankfully that gift and pain no longer controls me. That man no longer controls me. He no longer has the power to demean me or make me feel crazy.
Please listen to what I have to say because it’s so important.
People who abuse use all kinds of mental tactics for control. That is a thrill. And, when they have control, they also use mental maneuvers to get to young children to sexually abuse them. They laugh. They mock. They plan. They use and abuse. They sweet talk. They give gifts. They use whatever it takes to get their way.
They get what they want while leaving behind the victim of abuse to feel ashamed, belittled, baffled, shocked, and in a state of confusion.
Domestic abuse is much the same. Only with domestic abuse, there are beatings, along with all of the other forms of physical, mental, and spiritual abuse.
This is serious stuff! We need to pay attention to people like John who was crafty and calculated in his every thought and action. He knew what he was doing, just as every abuser knows what he/she is doing! They think, they plot, they plan, and they work hard to get what they want.
Be wise and teach your children early on to respect themselves. Teach your children that it’s important to know boundaries and to say “no.”
As adults, often those who were abused as children, get into abusive situations and continue to suffer from abuse. My mother and father were both extremely verbally abusive. I was programmed to believe that’s what I deserved. The more I study abuse, the more I understand why I was such a perfect target for John.
Love yourself enough to say no to abuse! Respect yourself enough to get help and get out of an abusive situation!
It takes courage to leave an abusive relationship. It takes great courage to seek help. We are so full of fear of abandonment and of not being believed. We think we are not worthy of respect and love, but that is the greatest lie ever told to us!
YOU ARE WORTHY!!!
Together we can make a difference! Together we MUST make a difference! Innocent children are being hurt every hour of every day. Victims of abuse need help in finding ways to become “survivors of abuse.”
Please help be a strong voice for our children, as well as a voice for those who suffered abuse as a child!
We must end this horror of abuse now!
I do not pretend to understand your pain as your family faces the first Christmas without you beloved son. But, I know it must be hard. I lost my best friend to suicide in early September. Nothing seems right. The whole world has been turned upside down, and I’m just sitting here trying to muddle through for the kids. I admire the work you continue to do to bring awareness to child sexual abuse. I recommend your blog to so many.
Catherine I just finished a crying session thinking about facing this Christmas without Mike. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It does indeed feel like the world has been turned upside down.
I haven’t felt much like writing since Mike’s death, but…..the inner gnawing I have knowing that children continue to be abused haunts me day and night. I pray daily that God will give me the wisdom and the strength to continue to educate others on how pedophiles work so that we can be much more aware of how to keep our children safe.
Thank you so much for recommending the blog to others. This is the only way we’re going to get this information where it belongs — by others being moved enough to share this information.
Thank you so much for caring.
Clara, it must have been really confusing to all your children to hear their father, who was also their pastor, preach about what he felt Christmas was all about–to confuse all who heard him (except that one SMART and brave woman!–I wonder if she ever returned for anymore sermons, or decided to go elsewhere?!), and THEN for your children to witness with their own eyes what their father gave to you, their own mother. I cannot imagine how confused they would get with seeing one thing and hearing another thing.
Now that you have talked about this particular event, do you now have any desire to finally rid yourself of that garment that he mentally tortured you with? I wonder why would you hang onto something that brings back such a painful memory? That part I don’t understand. Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to get it out of your life and let the memory of it no longer be in control?
Jann, Thanks so much for your comments! You’ve brought up so many great thoughts and questions. Yes, it was terribly confusing to the kids to witness this and all of the other odd and bizarre things John did. He loved using the “surprise tactics” on people. I think it was to see if anyone would challenge him. By his admission, he fondled little girls in church right in front of their parents (a very hard topic for me to bring up, but is so necessary to talk about), and not one person ever challenged him. Why? Because he conditioned all of us to his odd, out of the ordinary behavior that we often thought WE were the ones going crazy! We questioned ourselves. Did he really say that? Did he really do that? I’m sure you know what I mean.
As for that little lady, she NEVER came back to church. She let John have it privately and then changed her membership to the church a block away. Do you think he cared? Not in the least. He mocked that situation.
As I’ve thought back over the years, he should have been fired from preaching from year one. But, he was so persuasive — so charismatic — that people adored him and felt sorry for him. And, over the years people grew accustomed to him and he knew he could get away with anything and not be challenged.
As for that “garment” — I’m sure one day I’ll throw it away. Right now, it’s tucked away in my cedar chest. I don’t look at it, but I know it’s there. Why keep it? Because every now and then I cry and begin to self-blame for a failed marriage. That’s when I need physical reminders of what happened. Does that make sense to you? One day about two years ago, I began throwing away anything John had ever given to me in the form of notes, cards, etc., and I’ve really regretted that. Those writings would be so beneficial as I study pedophilia — and now I have very few things that John put in writing. With this “gift”, though, I have a very tangible thing that serves as a reminder of who he was and of the way he used situations to humiliate and demean me in front of my children.
I know I will toss it away one day, but not just yet. I hope that makes sense to you and others who are reading.
Don’t throw it away. Donate it to a Crimil Justice program at some school. They can use it as a teaching aid
How humiliating it was. You have wrote about other gifts that were also quite evil and calculating of how it would demean you. It is hard, even now, to comprehend how their minds work.
A few weeks ago, an elder at the church I attend asked if I had seen or spoke to the ex-anti husband. We had a piece of paper saying he was my husband, but he never really was in the way Jesus showed to women and children. He was and is an abuser. Now his form of abuse being in the 3rd year post divorce is alienating people who I have trusted with lies about our past relationship and gaining allies. Having grown up in a home with a child abuser and abuser in general, I think at age 58 I am becoming able to sniff them out. ANYONE reading: You don’t have to be beaten to be abused. Threats and near misses count!!! Threatening your children, other family members and pets all count!!!! There are many kinds of abuse and I believe I have experience them all at one time another. Clara’s revisit of the Christmas sermon is and was Spiritual abuse. My Christmas tree, although it is a small potted Norfolk Pine reminds me of the cross that Jesus shed his blood and gave up his life on. The ornaments and decorations remind me of His blessed gift to us and what we owe Him. It is a symbol of honor to the Lord Jesus Christ and not an idol.
Back to the elder. He said he had seen the X in a parking lot but he was a ways off and didn’t speak of him. When he asked if I had heard from him I said no and had cut off all contact with him, but he still leaves things on my apartment door or my car at work with things in the bag that only he would have left. He asked if I feared him, which I do. I do not want to see him and carry pepper spray with me at all times. You’d have thought I had said that I was carrying a gun. The body language said it all. He then said, “he thought the X was “”just lonely”. I did not say another word. There were people within ear shot that I barely know and was mortified that this conversation was being held within in my church. The place I go for support and to Worship my Lord. Spiritual abuse is occurring quite subtly. What is being considered “just lonely” by some is actually abuse, control, manipulation, harassment and quite possibly stalking.
Parents, be aware of who is around your children. This could be their life after child abuse. Teach them the signs as they grow into young adults thinking or a potential spouse. Abusers often put up a good front for other people, but don’t let that fool you. Watch for the little things. How do they treat the waiter at the restaurant, the grocery store clerk or someone who accidently runs into them? Are they quick to anger? Is there a teenager or adult that tries too hard to be alone with your child?
This holiday season has been especially hard for me. I can no longer write out Christmas cards as tremors from MS has taken that ability from me. I can type for limited durations of time and then pain sets in. I live alone and what few friends I have are always busy with family and projects. I still have to work and that zaps what energy I have for evenings and weekends. The silence is muffled by the television or radio. I spent so many years going to work and coming home to abuse that would not allow me relationships with safe people that it is very difficult to make new ones now. Don’t let this become the life of your children.
Clara, Have a Blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year. Thank you for all you are doing. Is it possible to get another T-shirt for Church Protect? I have had some who ask questions and would like another. (I under estimated the size.)
Brenda, You have no idea how much I appreciate your comments. You have explained in detail so many ways these abusers work……constantly needing to be in control, and always building up their support system (which you’ve described so well about your ex). John writes others from prison about me — thankfully, most people tell me what he says. He continues to try to control me and to tear me down, but I will no longer allow him to do that. I will NEVER give him the satisfaction of responding to his nasty comments. Do you know that’s something an abuser cannot stand — to be ignored?
As for being aware of the abusers — we need to be on our toes at all times and teach our children to be the same way. I was taught as a child to respect ALL elders, never to speak out of turn, never to “air dirty laundry to anyone.” No wonder I stayed silenced for so long! I, like most children, have been conditioned to stay silenced!
Thank you for speaking out! Thank you for standing bold. My love to you, and my prayers continue!
Please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com and let me know what size t-shirt you need.
Your post really explains a lot I have wondered about you Brenda. I am glad you put forth the energy to write such a long post. Contact the disability programs in your are. They should be able to help you get voice activated software. That will help with the ms. I am a ham radio operator. You really ought to consider getting a license and get on the air. This way, you can talk with people at night. You won’t be so alone.
Hi Robert,
I’m not sure what you had wondered about, but thank you for the ideas. I was just able to get hearing aides from MI Rehab so that I can continue to work. They would probably help with software for work, which would make a huge difference. I spend a large portion of my day on the keyboard.
Blessings and Merry Christmas, Brenda R
horrible…no other words….
Thankyou Clara…so very true. Manipulation and control is what they crave to enable their deviant lifestyle.
Helen, I think the word “crave” properly describes an abuser’s appetite for manipulation and control. There is an insatiable driving force that will stop at nothing.
And, I have come to understand that abusers cannot feel in the same way a normal person feels. When they cause deliberate pain to another, there is a feeling of accomplishment rather than sorrow and shame. And, that is why they can continue to abuse time and time again — such as raping young children — without any feelings of regret or sorrow.
This is a tough battle to fight, but I believe that education is the first most important step!