I’m back after a three month break while finishing up writing my book on finding hope after child loss. If you know of anyone who has experienced the loss of a child, please give them a copy of the book. Part of our mission is to help people who are suffering, and this book will help any parent who is suffering the pain of child loss.
This weekend I had the blessing of attending a conference on child sexual abuse. I wish I could say that it was enjoyable, but quite the contrary. While at this conference, I had the opportunity to hear two survivors of child sexual abuse speak out and I must say that upon hearing what they endured as children, and what they are enduring now as adults, I could feel my heart literally breaking.
Child sexual abuse is a pain that no child deserves! To turn a deaf ear and do nothing is, in my opinion, a very grave sin! The young woman and young man who spoke out in front of the audience spoke words that were hard to hear. A step-dad and a father were the molesters. The molesting went on for years. In the case of the young woman, she was finally able to get the courage to tell her mother when she was fourteen-years-old. Thankfully her mother believed her and took her daughter away. What followed was a story of heartache and pain. I’ll not go into details, but it isn’t easy to speak out, and that’s why so many victims of abuse remain quiet.
When the young man spoke, his voice was trembling. He began with a prayer asking God to embrace him, to empower him, to give him the strength to speak out. What followed will remain with me for the rest of my days on this earth.
I heard how the father, a preacher, molested this young man and his brothers from little up. Details were given of grooming. The young man broke down and sobbed. He fell to his knees calling out, “Where was God when this was going on? Where was God?”
Tears fell from my face soaking the papers in front of me. These papers were so meaningless. This was a young man speaking of his shattered life.
He explained that his father would molest him, then tell him to come with him and hand out food to the poor of the community. People of the community loved and adored his father. He was exemplary in every way of what a Christian should be. Every way except — he was abusing his four sons every day!
The young man talked about his depression and wanting to end his life. He spoke of sleepless nights when nightmares visited him frequently. He knew of no way out. Nobody would believe this about his father. Not his father — the man of God so loved and adored by the church and community.
And, so his pain continued. He battled severe anxiety, chronic depression, fits of anger, addiction. He was alone and didn’t know what to do so he lay in his bed curled up in a ball wearing socks on his hands to hide his feelings of being dirty. So dirty because of the way he was used by his own father, the preacher, the so-called man of God.
He left home and about three years ago met a lovely young lady, they married and had a son of their own, by the grace of God. He told her of his past — not an easy thing for anyone to do. But, he said it was liberating to finally talk about it and to know that someone could love him — someone could care.
His family was expected to come together for family gatherings, and although he didn’t want to ever see his father again, he attended to see his mother and his brothers. He vowed never to take his eyes off of his father when his little son was in the room.
And, then the unthinkable happened. He turned to reach to get something out of the oven and when he turned back around the father had his hands fondling this young man’s eighteen month old son’s genitals!
The young man fell to his knees weeping. “I failed my son and I vowed at that moment to turn my father in.”
He did turn his father in to the authorities six months ago and a thorough investigation is being conducted. But, it’s not as you would think…………………
This young man called his father and mother together and he confronted his father. He wanted to tell him of all of the agony and pain he has been through and continues to suffer every single day of his life. He wanted his father to know of the nightmares, the anxiety, the depression, the desire to end his life because of the years of abuse.
He wanted his father to care. He wanted his father to say he was sorry.
Instead, he received another jab to his heart.
His father looked at him emotionless. His mother admitted that she suspected this abuse was going on. But, she also made it clear that she would stand by the molester husband and do all she could to make it look like the son was crazy when this case goes to court. She has already begun to drum up support from the local church where her husband preaches. She’s helping to build a case against the son saying his accusations are wild and from the mouth of a crazy person.
This young man wept loud. He cried out in pain and agony again, “Where is God in this? God, where are you? I need you now more than every before!”
His father will probably get off with only a slap on the wrist. His father will not stop molesting. His father will continue to hurt children and cause irreparable pain in the lives of the young and innocent unless we become a united voice to stop this!
I left that conference more broken than ever before. I left knowing that I must do more. I left knowing that WE must do more.
And, so I am asking you for suggestions on where and how to begin. I know we have to get word out to our legislators to change and enforce more strict laws. I know we must work on a local level to bring awareness. I know that we must do something to protect children in churches such as is being done with Church Protect.
How can we become a stronger voice? Please give me your opinions. If you know someone working with our laws, please refer them to this blog. Please give them my email: clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com or refer them to Jimmy Hinton.
We cannot remain silent. We must do something NOW to protect our innocent children and to give comfort to those who have been victimized.
Thank you for any suggestions you can give me.
Love,
Clara
PS If you would like to give some financial support to Church Protect, please buy some of these natural soaps. A portion of every soap purchased goes to Church Protect and that money is used 100% for protecting our children. As always, thank you for your help!
Once again, I am reading this blog after months of not posting. This particular blog featuring the young man who is bringing charges against his father for child molestation has me hopping mad inside. I want to shake his mother and scream at her, “Woman, WAKE UP! How can you take the side of this evil man against your own child”. My mother’s heart aches for this gentleman. I wish I could be his mom, just for that moment, and comfort him as he deserves. As a survivor, I would encourage him and let him know that he is NOT crazy; that he is doing for his son what no one would do for him; that his father is entirely to blame.
I think one thing we can do is to have groups that sit in court with the ADULT victims such as this young man. I know there is that biker organization that does it for younger kids, but I’m sure that adult survivors need it too. Many adult survivors have it even harder when bringing their abusers to justice, because society questions their integrity for waiting so long to tell. I think that they need to have people sit with them who are on THEIR side, especially when they have no family to support them.
I was literally tortured and sexually abused by my mother as an infant and child.i did not discover this until (yes I know this sounds crazy )…years later when I saw a babalawo who removed a long standing curse. Then I recalled that I used to black out as a child abd young adult. ..during confrontational scenarios. I was told my mother was psychotic and was sent for shock treatment for 6 months and that some knew she would try to kill me…I ran away from home once during bath time as bath water running. It took me about 7 years if hell to recover from the trauma. However it cured me of all the emotional eccentricities. .of shame,self hatred and rage and of course fear.howrverbi am now dealing with illness. I can say life is very rough depending on one’s destiny. I wish all well..prayer can help.
Michael
Michael, This is one of the most terrible testimonies of abuse I’ve heard. When I hear things like this, it makes me want to work harder thank every before to bring awareness to this kind of abuse. I don’t know what has happened to your mother, but I certainly hope that she is not around children. I can’t imagine the hard work you’ve done to move beyond the paralyzing fear of this type of traumatic abuse. I’m so very sorry.
Dear Clara
I have a problem. Your blog has been helpful for me to get better clarity on my thinking but I’m still agonizing. I want to present my concerns and see if you have any helpful information or guidance.
Here’s the set-up. I am 63 and half time director of music and worship at my home church. I have been a member in this church and a volunteer musician for 32 years. For my career I have been music and worship director in other denominations and continue to work half time in another church. I am also an elder and active in several other leadership roles. A new pastor (around 52 years old) came 2 ½ years ago and after manipulating a manipulative woman out of the role of director of music and worship he hired me 18 months ago as worship leader (no one else would take it) and I volunteer my time as music director. At my first meeting with him, after being hired, he told me that God didn’t intend for me to be in this position for very long and that I needed to graciously leave when it was time to leave. He started setting me up for failure from that first meeting. 30 years ago he was director of a dynamic music program until his church fired him (at least 20 years ago) and he has never again run a music program in a church but he is now an ordained minister. He was especially known for his 120-voice children’s choir that performed at all the prominent places in Southern California, such as the Crystal Cathedral. I am a lifelong church musician, accomplished organist and choir director, and have directed in major churches. This pastor has left me feeling identical to how you described yourself as feeling in your blog, including your post about the Ivy. He devalues me as a person, I feel inadequate, put down. He is extremely controlling and manipulative. He preaches to me in private about how we are to have a heart for the people of God, then he is hurtful to people in the church that he doesn’t agree with and doesn’t seem to care. He bullies me about how I am to be humble and to do what he says. His emotional abuse has paralyzed me, created self-doubt and threatened to strip me of my self-worth. Both I and my wife have gone to speak with him on several occasions about our concerns about his leadership and he doesn’t hear a single word we say. He looks perfect — his words are perfect — his prayers are perfect — and I come out of his office feeling dirty. Yes, he makes changes – he uses our words spoken to him in private to become more secretive and more deceitful in how he speaks with people. He avoids elder’s meetings, he doesn’t respect his elders as leaders in the church, he works with the people who think like him and avoids others. He’s a perfectionist – he gives excellent sermons – memorized and well-written.
I went to a counselor/prayer warrior (a long-time friend who now works with sexual predators) to ask if I was going crazy. I told this prayer warrior about your blog and that obviously he isn’t a pedophile because he totally ignores children. He seems oblivious to any children in the church and I have never seen him talk with a child. She cautioned me that with his odd behavior I should not rule out anything, including pedophilia. I see no evidence of any inappropriate behaviors going on, yet all kinds of things are inappropriate about him. Stupid little things — a look here, a comment there. My counselors tell me we can do nothing but pray. Those counselors include a minister and two of the elders at our church who can be trusted. Since my wife leads prayer meeting and her attendees have similar concerns they are all praying specifically for the pastor. Is there anything else we should be doing or is watching and praying all that we can do right now? How do we discern what is going on? Or should we try to discern what is going on? Do we only leave it in God’s hands? What do we watch for? I suspect some other sexual activity than pedophilia going on but it’s only a hunch. There’s nothing concrete. He has the associate pastor and the church secretary in complete unity with him. They seem to have blinders on their eyes. They love him dearly!