Married to a pedophile — just the words send a shiver up my spine!  It saddens me and angers me to think that most of my earthly life was spent sharing my heart and soul with a man who lived a terrible double life.  I prayed for a Christian soul-mate, and I believed with every breath in me that God answered my prayers.  For most of the almost forty years we were married I blamed myself for the problems in our marriage.  And, I was made to feel so inadequate.

Never in a million years would I have guessed what the root of our problematic marriage was — I was married to a practicing pedophile!    

I’m going to pick up today where I left off with my story of how John’s double life finally unraveled.  Keep in mind it was a slow, slow process of unveiling the truth.  I’m talking a lifetime!  But, through my two years of silence, John’s actions were changing and he was becoming more and more open with his behavior.  Even though his actions made no sense to me and I was growing more and more distant, John was still loved and adored by his children, his church family, and his community!  That just goes to show how convincing a master-manipulator pedophile can be!

At this point in our marriage, I think it was pretty clear that we weren’t going to make it as a married couple.  John was a busy man at this time making sure that ALL of the kids were on a “best friend” relationship with him.  This man who never used to call the kids, never talked one-on-one with them, or communicated much at all with them now spent hours on the phone every day talking to them.  He made certain that I was within ear shot so that I could hear, too.  During this time, the kids were pulling away from me — I was the “very bad person” who was “treating dad so mean” and they let me know it.

I still kept silent.  Totally silent.  I had nothing to say.  When a person is empty inside there are no words to come out — only tears.  And, that’s where I was at this point in my life.

John perked along happier than ever!  He was the constant hit of the family — the jokester, the camper, the chef.  He was more than a father — he was making certain that he pushed me aside and stepped up his position in life with the kids.  Now I see it so clearly.  He was making certain that he had a strong, united force within the family!

He also began doing other things that I thought were very weird.  He made frequent calls home to his parents.  Prior to this, he often mocked them and had nicknames for both his mother and father that weren’t very nice.  But now……..John made sure that his parents were aware of “poor John” and the painful situation I had made for the entire family.

Still, I remained silent.  Totally silent.  What was there to say?  Who would I say anything to?  Who would believe me? Silence was my best friend and my only method of survival at this time in life.

Other things were happening, too.  John either got fired or quit the sales job he had because now he stayed at home full time while I worked.  When I left in the morning he was often sloughing around in sweat pants getting ready to park himself at the dining room table with his laptop computer.  What a change from his hidden office downstairs that he kept under lock and key!  He still kept the only key to that office, but now……now he sat in the very most central part of the house on his computer.  He was there when I left in the morning, and he was there when I came home at night.

He also began making new church friends — friends from churches where he served as a weekend fill-in preacher. He often served 5 or 6 months at a time while the regular pastor was on a leave of absence or while the church was interviewing for a new pastor.  And, it didn’t take him long to find a friend in the church who would put him up on Saturday night.  Always, always he would talk about how wonderful these young families were who hosted him and interestingly (more so “sadly”) they had young children.  He’d talk about how he was “Pap” to these kids. He often referred to them as his “littles”, his “princesses”, his “munchkins. I shudder to think of what was going on!

John also became somewhat famous for baking brownies and taking them to families who were down-and-out and in need of food, transportation, and friendship.  People loved this “man of God” — a “true servant” as he was called!

He was also working under the leadership of a church being trained to take over as their youth pastor.  I remember hearing him get rather forceful on the phone several times.  Apparently they weren’t looking for a full-time youth pastor, but he was pushing hard for that position.  I’m happy to report that about two weeks before he was hired, he was arrested.  I’ve thanked God many times over for that!  Only God knows how many children would have fallen victim to his horrendous crimes of molestation!

John also became known at churches as being the “candy man” — something he had never, ever done before!  He now carried bags of little treats for kids at church and handed them out.  And, let’s face it — what little child doesn’t like a treat?  Every one of us loves to receive a gift and to be made to feel special!!!

I often heard John on the phone at night offering to babysit for parents.  I’d hear him say, “Believe me, I know how hard it is to get alone time with your spouse when you have kids.  I’ve been there, done that, so let me help you.”  Who can give up an offer like that?  A free babysitter and one who you could trust (or so they thought)!

I’m so frustrated with myself because I couldn’t put the pieces together.  My mind was baffled.  I saw so many big changes in John — it was as if he had come out of his shell and was now creating a very public profile.  A beautiful profile of the kind of man that every wife wished she had.  Kids loved him because he was so much fun.  Older kids loved him because he was so young at heart — piling lawn chairs in the back of his car taking them to the drive-in theater, taking them overnight camping, sitting up until the wee hours of the morning cooking food over the fire.  He was the kind of man you wanted to be around!

Except for me.  Even during this long period of silence John would often come up to me and try to give me a warm hug.  I would cringe.  Nothing felt right about him touching me — not even with a hug.  My body would stiffen and I would hold my breath until he walked away.  Of course if the kids witnessed my cold shoulder towards their dad, that was just one more big feather in his cap.

I can’t explain what was going on inside of me, but I was a mess of confusion.  John made no sense whatsoever to me.  From being a poor communicator he became Mr. Talkative with the kids.  From being away for a week at a time working, he now was a stay-at-home job seeker.  From earning a large income he now was satisfied to get $150 a weekend to part-time preach while seeking his full-time manny job.  From mocking his parents, he became best friends with them.  From having an office secluded in the basement, he now brought his computer upstairs into the main area of the house.

What in the world was going on????? 

NOW — years later — I know what was going on.  He was grooming our children, his family, and the community to become his greatest allies.  He was forming his army so-to-speak.  And, without saying one word, he was alienating everyone from me.  He was a very, very smart man.  Extremely calculating and smart when it came to knowing how to control a person of any age.  My insides feel nauseous as I write about this.  It’s bone-chilling frightening to me.

I’ll stop here for now and let this all sink in with you.  Read this post several times over to get the picture.

After John’s arrest and imprisonment, this is what John said to his son Jimmy when Jimmy visited him in prison.  In John’s words:  “Two things shocked me each and every time I abused a victim–How easy it was to get a child to act out sexually and how easy it was to get away with it.”  He is absolutely right, to our shame.

Please stop trusting everyone you think is a good, upright person!  It’s sad that we have to think this way, but….we do!  Ask questions — bold questions — to any adult who shows a special interest of any kind in your child.  That’s your responsibility as a parent!!!  In days past, we didn’t know better, but now we do.  We have no excuses.  Stop being afraid you’ll hurt someone’s feelings if you ask them, “Why do you want alone time with my child?  Why did you buy my child that gift without my permission?  Why did you give my child a ride home without my permission?”

Set very safe boundaries for your children and stick to them.  If an adult crosses that boundary call him or her out on it.  If you don’t want someone changing your child’s diaper, then say so and don’t allow it!  Period!!!  Don’t allow other people to bathe your children or take them alone to the bathroom.  That’s your job as the parent.

If your child shows any signs of abuse, be on the lookout for clues that your child wants to talk to you about it.  And, seek professional help.  It’s better to be safe than sorry.

We absolutely must be ten steps ahead of the pedophile if we’re going to stop them from harming our children.  Watch.  Listen.  Report.  Our children are precious and we must do everything we can to protect them!

Thank you for reading. I know this isn’t pleasure reading, but it’s necessary reading.  Thank you for sharing this information.  Thank you for caring.  And, thank you for taking action when you suspect abuse!

Love,

Clara

PS  Next time we will talk about the most horrible Thanksgiving and Christmas ever — more of John’s manipulation at work!