Why? How? When? I thought I knew my husband! These are all of the things that go through a wife’s head when she finds out “for certain” that her husband has been molesting children. At least that’s what went through my head initially. And, guess what? It’s now been five years plus some since I’ve known, and there are still times I cry and want to scream, “I can’t believe this! I don’t want to believe this!” But, I do….I do believe. It’s true. It’s real. The man I shared my life with molested innocent, precious children. And, he did it while married to me. He molested children while he preached. He molested children during those years when he could have easily been named father of the year. He molested children during the years he was conducting bible studies, performing wedding ceremonies, and visiting the sick and the shut-ins.
And, this hard truth is devastating! How can the man who did all of the wonderful things also have done all of those horrible acts against children?
I’m going to write about this in two parts because I feel it’s so important and so pertinent to all that is going on in the world today. Every week I get emails from wives who have been told the facts about their husbands. They have seen evidence that is beyond the shadow of doubt that their husbands have molested children. Often their husbands openly admit that they have done so, yet wives wrestle with this entire thing of belief.
Why? Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to believe the truth?
I’m speaking not just for myself, but for thousands of other wives who are facing this same tragedy as I faced several years ago.
When you believe your husband committed horrific acts against children, when you believe your husband was drenching himself in child pornography, when you believe the fact that your husband is a cold-faced liar, you also must believe that you were manipulated. When you believe in the guilt of your husband, you also must face the fact that you’ve been showering love on a person that you don’t know. The action of pedophiles are vile, criminal, and they shatter our thinking. If you can’t trust your husband, who can you trust?
To believe that your husband is guilty of these actions against children also does something to you internally. It sure did a number on me, and it still does. How could I share a bed, my heart, and my innermost thoughts and feelings with a man who is so corrupt? How could I not see it? Why didn’t I pick up on what he was doing? How could I have been so blind to what was going on for so many years?
How could I be so stupid?
These thoughts plagued me for a long, long time day and night. I’ve wept bitter tears over the fact that I didn’t see what was going on in my life, my life that was shared with a man I thought was a godly man. Years later I understand that I was used. I was victimized. Not in the way the children were, but in a way that still makes me feel dirty. It makes me feel somehow responsible. I’ve gone round and round with myself about this very fact that had I been more aware I could have prevented so many children so much pain!
But, I didn’t know. I didn’t see. He was just that good of a liar and deceiver. He was a wolf. He was a master deceiver!
Why do wives find it so hard to believe the truth about their pedophile husbands? Because it’s scary. It’s dirty. It’s ugly. It’s crushing. It places a ton of guilt upon your innocent heart and makes you half-crazy.
If you’ve been following my story, you know that I did believe the truth when I heard it. I believed it immediately, thank God. But, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t spent countless days and nights wrestling with all of the things I’ve just shared with you.
John has written me from prison. I’ve never responded. His brief letters, although few, have been the same as always. “I love you. You are the stronger one in our family. It’s up to you to keep the family together. I’m so glad I married you. I pray for you every day.”
I don’t believe him. I used to believe him. But, because I believe the truth and know the truth about him molesting children, I now have lost the belief that he ever loved me. Almost forty years together being lied to, manipulated, and used. A mockery. My marriage was such a mockery. And that makes me feel so sad, so used, and so empty.
All of this because I believed the truth. In a lot of ways it’s so much easier to continue believing a lie. But, this isn’t about taking the easy way out!
More to come on this next week………… “The Shattered Wife” will be something that you will not want to miss. I will share insights that you probably have never heard or discussed before.
Thank you for reading. Thank YOU for believing the truth. It’s hard to look honestly and see the brokenness that has come from what you thought was a beautiful relationship. It’s hard to know that precious, innocent children were greatly harmed by the man who shared your life. It’s hard, but you’re a believer because you know you must become a voice for the children just as I’m a voice for the children.
We have a responsibility to speak out, to uphold the truth, and to help those who have been crushed by men such as the man I married.
I’ll share more on this subject the next time……
In the meantime, my son Jimmy has a lot of helpful wisdom and tools for those who are living this nightmare of abuse. Please stop by and visit Jimmy’s blog. Together, let’s become a voice that’s loud and strong! Let’s do all we can to make sure that the truth is known and innocent children are protected! I feel like the past year has been a critical year of change. Those who have been abused are beginning to speak out with courage! We must, we absolutely must, keep this energy going. We must clean house and get these pedophiles away from children! We must protect the innocent!
Much love,
Clara
*****If you are new to my story of being married to a pedophile, please begin here.
I’m just reading your blog… and saw this dated 5.5.16… it was prophetic… BOQ:How are pedophiles caught? They’re caught by someone speaking out. They’re caught when someone finds their voice. They’re caught when someone says it’s time to stop this person from ever harming another child!
Will you be a voice for the children? Will you share this message with others? Please, let’s speak out! Together we are a unified, strong voice! Please, for the sake of the children, let’s push aside all fear and dig deep and find our courage. It’s there. It’s time. It’s time to put an end to this horrific pain caused to children! EOQ
little did anyone know that in August of 2016, Rachael Denhollander would be making a report to the police regarding a child molester who abused 100s of young girls over decades… and that in January of 2018, over 150 of them would use their voice and be empower others to find their voice too… bless your heart Clara… speaking truth does something in the spiritual realm that we do not understand, and I believe your statement was prophetic.
I need help….
Kelli,
Please email me at: clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com .
Clara, thank you for sharing so truthfully. Since Jan 19th of 2017, my children and I have been coming to grips with all of the things you talk about. Your son Jimmy has been an incredible blessing to my family. Having someone to talk with that “got it” has been invaluable. Also, reading the material recommended helped a great deal. In my quest to understand, I happened upon your blog about a month after finding out about my ex. I know your pain…31 years with a person I did not know. I’ve thought about you often and wondered how you made it through. Your words remind me that you are still in the process as I’m sure my family will be for a long long time. I’m happy that Jimmy is continuing to help victims of abuse. His insight and caring shine through. Looking forward to your next blog… would love to hear more about ways we can help children. Once our eyes have been opened they can’t and shouldn’t be closed again-however it’s hard to know where to go to make an impact. Thanks again….as my son reminds me always-“truth over comfort”.
I have been reading your blog over the last days and even though I never went trough what you had to go trough, I have experienced these feelings of control, manipulation, being used instead of being loved, being tossed away when I didn’t agree anymore to be used.
I know what it feels to ask myself if I was stupid not seeing behind the facade. To feel ashamed of who I am, wondering still today why my (amazing, loving and honorable) husband loves me the way he does.
You have an amazing way to put your feelings and thoughts on “paper” and it led me to believe that there are many more things of my childhood I didn’t realize because I simply ignored the reality of abusers. (How about the recent revelation of my mother that my grandfather abused of my mother (and many women-girlfriends beside my grandmother) to satisfy his sexual desires — to a point where their family had to move time and again to flee the enraged husbands of these women? He abused my grandmother his whole life emotionally, putting her down in every possible way. She stayed faithful by his side like a good christian wife, never speaking evil of him or standing up for herself – or the children that were beaten up regularly, mixed with religious reasons to do so.
What I realized through reading your texts… when I was six years old, I got very sick, and Doctors wanted me to send to get fresh mountain air. Well, These very grand parents lived in the mountains, so my parents did send me there. I have no memory of my grandfather in that time whatsoever, only about the beautiful mountains I loved. I never thought about that — until this reading.
I don’t know, our whole family system where I come from is tied up in pretending, lying, secrets and shaming every one not that questions anything.
I literally got sick reading your extremely interesting, revealing, brutal honest and amazingly vulnerable blog!
You are amazing and I celebrate the strength and courage you had to believe that young lady, to confront that brutal and painful truth and to stand up for your own life — and the life of far to many others knowing what you are talking about, bringing light in many minds about their reality.
Hi, I have been blessed by reading some of your son’s writings. He is an amazing, insightful man! I’m glad to be reading some of your perspective as well, and look forward to reading part two.
Can I just ask about this statement you made: “If you’ve been following my story, you know that I did believe the truth when I heard it. I believed it immediately, thank God.” I recall Jimmy also believed right away, too.
How were you able to believe the truth when you first heard it? Since your ex-husband was such a master manipulator, how were you able to prevent immediate denial? Do you believe the Lord was working on you beforehand, to enable you to receive the cold, hard ugly truths when you first heard it?
I’m so sorry you were “used” and victimized for so long. It seems as though your now ex-husband abused your kindness, love and trust for him. And exploited it for his own personal gain. I will lift you up in prayer, as such an experience must be beyond excruciating.
What a great question, Anu! Please read my story from the very beginning. Start Here There were years and years of “odd behavior” that had absolutely no explanation. None. And, the person who reported John to me and then to Jimmy was a credible young woman. Why would she lie? There’s no way she would come to report such a thing if she was lying. At this point, it was far easier to believe her words, than to disbelieve what she was saying.
Also, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Now things began to make sense. John and I argued a lot over his insistence of becoming a “manny” — a male nanny. I had never heard of such a thing until that’s the occupation he persued. THAT made no sense to me.
So, I guess what I’m saying is this: The victim was believed immediately because what she said made all of the “odd behavior” about John suddenly come to light. Pedophiles are smart. Very, very smart. But, they also leave clues with their language and their often strange behavior. John was a pedophile gone wild at this time. He got sloppy. He was so intense those last few months before his arrest that he left a lot of people scratching their heads. What pastor do you know gathers up children for free babysitting, buys them gifts, and takes them swimming in the middle of the woods? What pastor do you know that keeps four little girls overnight in his bed? So, at this point on John’s actions, everything kind of fell into place. It was a point where finally something began to make sense.
Thank you so much for your question. I appreciate all questions and comments.
Thank you so much for your kind and generous reply. I started from the beginning of your story and may I just say I am blown away so far. Thank you for your transparency and raw honestly. It has blessed and encouraged so many, including me—and saddened me deeply to see the pain you personally went through—as well as what was done to those kids. Please continue to speak up and speak out—and I’ll be praying for you.