Thank you so much to all who have been faithfully following along with this blog, and a special thanks to those who continue to share this blog with others. As we learn and grow together about how to spot a pedophile in the grooming process before sexual molestation takes place we are taking some very real steps towards helping to save our children from a lifetime of heartache and struggles.
Please note that this continuing story is not written by a professional counselor or any such person that proclaims to have a degree in sexual molestation behavioral therapy. I am a woman who was married for almost forty years to a practicing pedophile and I didn’t know it. It is my heart’s passion to share with you the information I now know that were “red flags” that I should have recognized. It is my intent for you to learn from my experiences so that we can prevent pedophiles from committing their heinous crimes against children.
If you are new to this blog, please begin here. I’d like you to get the full story so that you can understand just how crafty pedophiles are. You might already be sucked right into this web of manipulation and maybe there is something here that is said that will click with you and empower you enough to stop the perpetrator in his tracks!
Let’s pick up where we left off last week. John and I were the proud parents of a baby girl. She was beautiful and so special. Even though John didn’t seem to have the social skills to know how to treat me he was very at home when with our baby daughter. He talked to her, he played with her, and he seemed so openly at ease with her. In fact, it didn’t take me long to feel a slight bit of jealousy of the attention he was able to shower on her with ease while he seemed to be cold, unfeeling, and emotionless when around me.
My world seemed upside down in so many ways. The man I loved was so affectionate and different with others — outgoing, happy, talkative — when around children and his church friends, but when he was around me he was withdrawn, gloomy, and out of touch. You have no idea how many times I tried to greet him at the door with a hug — a simple hug — only to have him say, “Please don’t touch me like that! I don’t like that. It gives me a weird feeling like I can feel my blood being squeezed through my veins.”
I have no idea what that was all about, but after trying time and time again, I finally backed off and learned John wasn’t a hugger — except with children. He literally pushed me aside and would remove my hands from attempting to give him a hug. How degrading! How humiliating to continuously be shoved aside!
Even more odd to me was the way John showered attention and affection on kids at church. My goodness! There was no holding him back. He tickled, he squeezed, he picked up and twirled kids around, and he loved rough-housing with them!
NOTE: It’s normal for adults to interact with children, but there are safe boundaries. If you see someone moving beyond the normal boundaries using unusual touching, extra close hugging, propping children up on their shoulders, or rolling on the floor using tickling techniques consider these all red flags!!!
I’ll give you a prime example of what I’m talking about. John was now well established with the church as their fill-in youth pastor, and soon-to-be full-time youth pastor. The kids loved him. He was fun! He was full of jokes, and he was always coming up with new, creative games for them to play — all in the name of “church youth activities” to keep the youth group active and alive. The more fun they had, the more they wanted to go to church. That made their parents happy, and they would host youth parties, and allow John to take the kids on special youth outings. *NOTE: Can you see how easy it is for pedophiles to work their way into the “trust” of parents at church?
John often brought kids home with him to hang out and have fun. He seemed to have a knack for finding the shy kids, and one boy in particular that I remember was an asthmatic who didn’t have many friends at all at church. In fact, he was a rather thin, very short boy for his age who was pretty much a loner. John was his hero.
One Saturday afternoon during the summer John went to the church building while I was giving our baby daughter a stroller ride. The next thing I knew, I saw him driving up to the apartment with this boy in tow. As I walked to the apartment John announced (he never asked — always “told” me), “Hey, Tom’s gonna spend the afternoon with me. We’re gonna practice playing ball and we’re just gonna hang out for the afternoon.”
“Fine”, I thought. But, really it wasn’t fine. It would have been nice to spend a fun afternoon together — just the three of us. John never seemed to have time for “family” — it was always the church first! This youth pastor stuff was driving me nuts. He practically lived at that church building. If he wasn’t there he was “hanging out” with kids from church having fun. “Hey, that’s what the parents want me to do. That’s my job. I need to make church fun for these kids.”
So, this boy and John went into the yard that was part of our rental. Since the windows were open I could hear the loud laughter and squeals coming from outside, so I went to the window and just stood in shock. Here’s this man who nearly plays dead when he’s near me and who pushes me away because he doesn’t want to be touched. And, what do I see? He was on the ground, rolling around, tickling this boy, grabbing him from behind and lifting him up onto John’s stomach (very, very weird to me). And, John got him in some kind of arm lock and had this kid tight up against him and they did rolls all across the yard! There I stood watching this craziness from the window all the while thinking, “This is not tossing a ball. This is a big bunch of nonsense!”
In looking back, I can now see the huge red flags all over the place. I know that John’s “preference” at stated in his investigation and conviction was “young girls”, but I have no doubt in my mind that he did his fair share with little boys, too. This is not uncommon for pedophiles to experiment with both sexes until they find the “sex of choice.”
During those hours of horse-play two things happened. That boy had a severe asthma attack and I had to get his mom on the phone and ask what we were to do. He literally couldn’t breathe and he didn’t have his asthma inhaler with him. She was furious! Absolutely furious as she said she had given her son explicit instructions he was to be kept quiet and to stay inside. The Oklahoma heat was detrimental to his asthma.
The second thing that happened was John lost his wedding ring that afternoon. That’s how much rough housing was being done! I’m talking about more than two hours of tickling, rolling together in the grass, tossing this kid around, lifting him up and down, grabbing and holding him until he was so sick that he had to be given a special treatment at the hospital to get air in his passageway.
Life was very fuzzy for me at that time. Fuzzy in the sense that nothing made sense. I saw a man I was married to who was like two different people. He was the glum, quiet, man who ate and slept at home, but rarely contributed to any conversation except to answer in “yes” or “no” words to my attempts to get him to talk to me. His mind always seemed preoccupied with others. At this time in our married lives, his focus was that church youth group. I’ll be honest with you. I was sick of hearing, “I have to go spend time with the kids at church.” I often felt of the church youth group as his adulterous affair, and come to find out, I wasn’t off-base with that thinking!
The “other John” was this crazy, funny, comedian who entertained young teens and children with his jokes, who was loved and adored by the parents of these kids, and who always seemed to charm people. He wasn’t shy or quiet at all when in this type of group situation and it truly baffled me.
NOTE: John did not feel at all bad or apologetic about the boy getting the asthma attack. In fact, he told the mother, “I told him he needed to calm down, but he was too excited. He should have known better.” The mother ended up yelling long and hard at her son. The son just looked at John and never said a word. He had already been groomed enough to not speak up. He craved the attention and affection of John. There was no dad in this home, so the mom was more than willing for John to serve as the male role model in her son’s life.
John did not at all feel bad about losing his wedding band. It would be two years until he replaced it — only because I kept after him. I was a newlywed, for Pete’s sake, and I wanted others to know we were married! I searched on my hands and knees outside for hours trying to find his ring. It was the sentiment that meant the most to me. That was the ring I placed on his finger the day we were married. The emotional loss meant nothing to him. A few years later he went to JC Penney’s to purchase a cheap band in order to keep me quiet. Again, I felt like our marriage was low on this list of his priorities. The more he pushed me away and the more he diminished the importance of our lives together, the more I focused my attention on our daughter. She always had a smile for me. She loved to be hugged. She filled in the gaps for the emotional bonding I was not getting with my husband. Not healthy for any relationship, by any means!
So, what does all of this mean in terms of how to identify a child molester? Where are the red flags?
There are many! John had an almost “giddiness” about spending time with the young kids from church. He neglected his wife and daughter in order to spend time away with others. This is a huge red flag! His priority should have been at home!
He was two different personalities — outgoing, fun, the life of the party with those he was trying to impress (in this case, this was his “grooming” time). At home he was distant, did not talk, private, and very unaffectionate. This drove me about crazy! It made me feel once again like an “ugly, unattractive, wife.” Often, he looked at me with a look that I could only call disgust. Sadly, I spent many hours sitting at home crying as I held our baby close. She was my only comfort at this time.
John thrived on being a hero to others! Beware of this!!! A husband should be a hero-type to his wife first. All others (except God) should come second. This was never the case in our marriage.
His tickling, touching, and game playing went well beyond normal boundaries with children. Again, stand back and watch for this because it is a big clue that is often overlooked! There are right and wrong ways of interacting with children. A pedophile’s hands are quick! They have studied long and hard how to touch in erogenous zones in order to arouse the child without the child knowing. Later on this “touching technique” will be used to proceed ahead to further sexual stimulation while making the child feel responsible and guilty. This one thing causes life-long problems for victims of sexual molestation — being groomed to feel that they are responsible for this sexual exploitation and molestation.
Our married life was broken. I felt alone. We were not communicating. John was distant. He had a quiet, controlling way of making me feel belittled and ashamed that I wasn’t the wife I should have been. I was wrecked — “damaged” as he often called me. A term I would learn was part of a pedophile’s vocabulary. He often reminded me that I came from a broken, dysfunctional family and I didn’t know a good relationship from a bad one. There were days I felt like I was crazy. And, that is just how he wanted it!
Next week we will talk about his job — the mystery of the “elder’s meeting” and the lies that were told to me!
Thank you so much for following along. Often, we really do feel crazy for questioning the motives of others, but I can’t repeat it enough. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Pay attention to your gut feelings!
Emotional abuse is very intentional, and it cripples your ability to think and to take action. Once you’re caught in this horrible web of intentional abuse, it’s so hard to find the strength to get out — and that’s just what the pedophile is counting on! The weaker you get, the stronger the pedophile gets!!
Let’s be smarter! Let’s get educated! Let’s look for those red flags! Let’s speak out loudly! For the sake of the children, let’s stop these molesters in their tracks!
Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing this blog with others. Thank you for caring enough to get educated! For our children, we must stop child molesters in the grooming stage — before they reach our children! And, that means being smarter than they are. Together we can do it!
Love,
Clara
