“Where have you been?”  “What’s been going on?”  “Are you okay”  “Why haven’t you been writing?”  The questions have been pouring in and I’m finally slowing down enough to answer your questions.

I have been taking a break from the heavy stuff in life so that I could totally, completely, and wonderfully enjoy the marriages of two of my daughters.  Can you believe it?  Two marriages in less than four weeks!!!!  I cannot even begin to put into words how my heart felt as I watched my daughters — hearts so full of love and joy —  join hands and hearts forever with the men of their dreams.  My heart throbbed so hard that there were moments when I thought it would explode.  Our family has gone through so much sadness in the past three years that it was truly a God-given break away from the hard, heartbreaking stuff to see and feel and share so much joy!

If you are new to this blog, I would strongly urge you to begin reading here. It’s so important for you to understand why my joy is beyond measure right now!  

So how did we handle the marriages without a father present?  How did we handle the tough stuff that was still there even when we were so happy?  What was it like knowing that the father of these two beautiful young ladies was in prison during this most blessed time in the lives of his daughters?

I can’t speak for the girls, and I would be crossing boundaries if I even tried.  I can only speak for myself.  I’ll be honest in my description of what it felt like because I think that’s the only way we can learn from each other and continue to heal.

I was broken inside when the girls told me of their plans to get married in July and August.  They told me months ago, and it took me a long, long time to give myself permission to be okay with their decisions.

One of the very first things I did was to pull out my journals and the newspaper articles of John’s arrest and conviction.  Many, many nights were spent pouring through the thoughts I had written and reading and re-reading the articles and then crying all through the night.  Why?  Why did I do this?  Because it’s still so hard for me to grasp all of what has happened.  It’s difficult for me to understand how the man I was married to, the man who is the father of our eleven children, the man who was a beloved preacher to so many could commit these horrible crimes on children.

I had to read so I could continue to grasp what happened.  I had to sob a million more tears so that I could release some more of the pain that filled my heart.  I had to grieve hard because I know I’ve only just begun the process.  I had to feel some of the pain that my daughters were feeling not having their father present for the most beautiful day of their lives.

I went through a full month (or more) of not sleeping through more than one to two hours without awakening to horrible nightmares and sweats.  John was in my every dream.  Sometimes he was mocking me.  Other times he was sitting in the corner of a room observing our family.  Other times he was groping at children — pulling at them.  And in my nightmares I could see the big eyes filled with fear of those small children and I would wake up struggling to breathe.

I prayed for God to take these nightmares away.  Please, God, take these horrible dreams away!  Thankfully, they have become much less frequent and less intense.  Always,  when I got fully awake, I clutched a blanket to my face and cried some more thanking God that John is in prison where he can no longer harm children.  I found relief following these nightmarish dreams knowing that he could no longer instill fear and horror in the lives of little innocent ones.

I began sharing my fears and concerns with two of my closest friends.  They offered no advice, but they were great listeners.  And, that’s just what I needed.  Listeners are so important to healing.  They had never gone through anything like this, so they didn’t know what to say.  I’m so thankful they didn’t try to tell me how I should act — or not act — at the weddings of my daughters.  I will forever be grateful for friends who know how to listen!

The thing that broke my heart the most was when one of my daughters asked me to be the one to give her away, “if you want to.”  “If you don’t want to, I’ll understand, Mom.”  I held my composure in front of her, but when I got home I screamed into my pillow for hours, “Why, God?  Why? Why?  Why?  Why couldn’t she have a father there for her to be her strength and her protector and to show her how much he loves her on her special day?”  Of course I would walk with her and be the one to give her away, but my heart bled tears knowing that it should be her father doing that!

I think that was my breaking point, if that’s what you want to call it.  It was after those nights of wrestling with my fears and pain that I began to slowly shift my feelings and began a prayer that was simple but straight from my heart.

“Dear God, I am asking you to smile on the day of each of my daughters’ weddings and to make certain that they can feel your presence with them.  Empower them and fill their hearts with love and joy so full that we can see it overflowing.  Allow them momentary peace from the torment they have been suffering about their father and give them this day to be a day of pure, beautiful, peaceful joy.”

Mother’s prayers are powerful.  I believe that with all of my heart.  And, I prayed hard and long into the night every night for months before each of their weddings.  I prayed the same prayer asking God to grant peace and joy to these girls on their special day and to give me the strength to compose myself so I wouldn’t ruin their special “moment in time.”

God answered my prayers.  And, I will forever be thankful.  God gave us moments together as a family to enjoy laughter.  There was an overall feeling of peace and love like I’ve never felt before. For the first time since John’s arrest I could feel a genuine sense of peace and joy among us and it was truly wonderful!!!

As a mother who at times feels so broken, I must say that God allowed me moments where I felt whole again.  My heart was full.  As I stood back and saw so much joy in the eyes of my daughters I knew that God had graciously answered my prayers.

What happens now that the weddings are over and life is back to a more normal pace?  There is still pain — lots and lots of it.  But, there are now precious memories to fall back on and to lean on when the going gets tough.

Yes, there have been a few nightmares since the weddings — only two, so that’s not too bad.  I haven’t pulled out my journals, but have instead focused on the happy pictures of those two beautiful weddings.

To know that my children are moving towards a more happy place in life is helping so much with my own healing.

I want to leave you with this message from my heart.  No matter how broken you are today, tomorrow promises new hope.  Facing your pain is hard to do — it’s never easy to face those things that make us feel so alone and broken.  But, every time we do, we grow a bit stronger.  And, we take one more step in the direction of healing.

Remember this — pedophiles are everywhere.  They are working hard to win over your child.  They are relentless in their search for children they can molest.  And, the pain of child molestation is a battle that is one of the hardest a child will ever have to fight.  Releasing that pain is not easy.  Children who have been molested carry so much pain and anguish into their adult lives.  They wrestle with fear and mistrust and night terrors — just to name a few.

The molester doesn’t care.  The molester doesn’t “get it.”  The molester will continue to molest as long as he is free.  The father of my children doesn’t get it.  He feels like he’s been given too harsh a punishment.  He doesn’t see that what he has done is all that wrong.  And, he’s not the only molester that thinks this way.  Please read this  book and get educated!  Let’s continue to be a strong voice for the children.  Our children need us to be their protectors and their advocates!  Education is the beginning of empowerment.  By being educated we will disarm the molester!  By being educated we will save our children!

And, to those who have been molested or have been emotionally abused by a molesters, I urge you to take a “joy break.”  Give your heavy heart a rest.  We must purge our hearts of the fear and grief and heartache to allow room for joy

Next week we will resume where the story left off. I will reveal to you words that were used and things that were done in our marriage that should have been huge red flags to me about the secret life John was living.  If only I knew then what I know now!

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for caring.  Thank you for sharing.  And, as always, I appreciate your comments.

Love,

Clara