The conversation today was actually very deep and solemn and beautiful on many levels.  We spoke of all of the pain in this world — especially the pain that comes to little children.  We talked about ways we could help take better care of the children in our community.  We were both sad that we felt as though we should be doing more, but didn’t know exactly what to do or how to do it.

And, then it happened.

I looked at the man with eyes that saw him as another pedophile and I knew I had to end the conversation.  I knew that sick feeling that was overcoming me meant I had shared far too much of “me” with a man I hardly knew.  I understood that feeling of betrayal and that complete lack of trust.  How dare this man I hardly know enter into a conversation about my heart, my deep inner feelings, and my beliefs!

I felt betrayed!  I felt physically ill.  Suddenly I didn’t like this man and I wanted nothing more than for him to leave my office.

Yes, this truly did happen today.  Why did I feel so invaded?  Why did I feel so betrayed?

The answer is quite simple.

I don’t trust any men other than my own sons and grandsons. 

Why?  Because for almost forty years I lived with a fake.  I lived with a liar.  I lived with a man who was living a double life.  I lived with a child molester, and he was so good at what he was doing that he used me to help him form a beautiful picture of a life that in the end was all a lie.

And, that betrayal has stolen my trust.

There is a young man, however, that I love more than I could ever explain to you in human terms.  I believe in him.  I trust him.  I know his heart.

He is my son Jimmy.

Why do I trust him?  Because he has proven time and time again that he is real.  He is who he says he is.  His words are true and his actions back up his words.  This young man had to boldly step forward when told the truth about his own father and take action.  Jimmy picked up the phone and called the police.  Yes, this is one man that I trust! 

I’m veering from my regular story just a bit today to share these thoughts with you about trust because I realized today just how much I have been impacted by living in an abusive marriage.  And, far more importantly, I hope that my story will help you to understand just a little bit more of how difficult and how painful it is for a victim of child sexual abuse to begin to trust people again.

We are hearing more and more about adults who were sexually abused as children coming forward with their stories sometimes thirty and forty years after the abuse and sometimes — quite often — these truths are pushed aside and criticized.  “Do you expect me to believe that?  If that story was true why didn’t the kid try to get some kind of help sooner?”  “Who waits forty years to tell a story like this?”  “She’s just after attention.”  “She just wants to stir up trouble in the family.”  “He’s gay and he wants to hide it by saying he was sexually assaulted when he was a kid.  What a liar!”

And, on and on it goes.

Every time we do not believe a victim of abuse, we are admitting to trusting the abuser and that is a form of abuse all over again! 

My son Jimmy had the horrible task of turning his own father in to the police when a young adult victim of John’s told Jimmy her story.  Jimmy had to choose who to trust — the victim or the molester?  Thankfully, Jimmy chose to trust the victim.

Jimmy has been left with his own trust issues.  He believed in his father.  His father is the reason Jimmy is a minister.  And, yet, his father also was molesting children the entire time he was preaching against such a horrific sin.

Trust is a huge issue for all victims of abuse.  I don’t know the quick answer to regaining trust in humankind.  I do know many people will say that God is the answer, and ultimately I believe that is how trust is regained.  But, if I’m being honest with you, I’ve had my own trust issues even with God.  (No, you don’t need to stone me.  I believe in God.  I love God.  I pray to God daily.  And, yet, I still do have trust issues at times with God.)

Building trust after abuse is a long, difficult process.  I used to be so trusting of everyone, and I liked that part of me so much!  I loved all people across the board — no questions asked.  I guess there is a thing as being “too trusting” and that was me.

Now, I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum along with so many others who have been abused and betrayed far, far worse than ever happened to me.  I’ve often wondered how I would have lived my life if a loving, trusted friend of the family, or a beloved teacher, or Bible school teacher had ever molested me.  My mind can’t wrap around such betrayals, yet so many are living through this pain each and every day.

It’s time to stop defending the molester and start helping to rebuild truthful, trusting, respectful relationships with those who have been victimized!!! 

I understand that my discussion with the gentleman I had today was in all probability a truthful, sincere one.  But, I don’t know that for sure.  And, that bothers me.  In the past I’ve given my all to people.  I gave my all to my husband, and it bothers me every day of my life to think that I never really knew him.  I can’t change that, and maybe that part bothers me the most.  I have a phrase that I often use — “It is what it is” — and this is what it is.  But, it still hurts — deeply.

Children who have been victims of child sexual abuse need our help in learning to trust again.  How can we do that?  The first and most critical step is by believing them. When a person gets the courage to come forward and speak of his/her abuse it takes a lot of what I like to call “guts.”    It’s not easy telling a story of abuse.  It’s painful.  It’s humiliating.  It’s scary.  Victims of abuse need our belief!

My son Jimmy has decided to take his pain and do something positive about it.  He is working hard educating himself about how pedophiles deceive people.  He is doing this so that he can help parents keep their children safe.  He gives workshops, and I am honored to be conducting a workshop with Jimmy in Pittsburgh this April.  What a blessing that will be!

The more educated we are, the safer we can keep our children.  The more educated we are, the more there will be a desire to implement a safety policy within daycares, churches, and schools that will have measures to keep children protected from sexual molestation.

The more educated we are, the more we will be able to help those who have lost all trust in people and in God.  We need to be able to make wise choices as to who we should trust and that always begins with clear guidelines to follow.

Thank you so much for reading this.  Thank you so much for understanding why victims of abuse have so much trouble in the area of trust.  Thank you for wanting to become part of the healing process for victims of abuse.  Thank you for sharing the information on this blog with others!

Next week, I will continue with the story of my life of being married for almost forty years to a practicing pedophile without ever knowing it.  I will share a story with you that will be hard to believe, but……in all sincerity nothing about pedophilia is easy to believe!  I will share with you some red flags to look for right in your home, your church, and your school!

Love,

Clara

PS  I get many, many emails every day and will make every attempt to answer you within 2 – 3 days.  My email address is:  clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com Thank you so much for caring!  Together we are making a difference!