If I had a dime for every time I was told how lucky I was to be married to John, I’d probably have a stack of dimes a mile high. He was most definitely on the “top ten list of most desired men.” He was charming. He was kind. He had good manners. And, he did things that were romantic. But, there’s just one little downside to this. That’s what other people saw. I know the inside scoop, and it wasn’t quite what met the public eye.
This story is my story about what it was like to be married for almost forty years to a man who molested children. I didn’t have a clue of this dark side of his life. I did, however, see odd behavior. I knew the pain of emotional abuse. I understood what it meant to be so controlled by someone who I found myself asking permission to be excused from a room if I had to go get a drink of water in the kitchen.
I began writing this blog as a means to educate others of the extreme manipulative power a pedophile holds over his victims. Not only does the pedophile groom the children he chooses to molest, but there is also a very targeted grooming of adults, too. It is the molester’s goal to have such an air-tight wall of trust built that absolutely nobody would ever suspect he is committing such harmful, evil actions.
I want you to get deep inside the mind of a pedophile so that you can see it — really see just how controlling they are. I want you to understand without a doubt just how this manipulation works. I want you to take some deep breaths and live with me through this journey so that you can understand clearly enough to protect yourself and your children from the harmful actions of pedophiles.
John and I had a difficult marriage from the very beginning, and there’s no doubt about that. He didn’t seem to see it that way, though. He would often apologize for hurting me, but his eyes would never look at me when he tried to apologize. He would divert his eyes to the side of me, but he’d never look straight into my eyes, and that always bothered me. In fact, I cried time and time again begging him to simply look at me. Hold my hand and look at me when he talked.
He didn’t. Instead, he’d stare as though he was in some kind of strange trance and mutter the same words time and time again, “I’m really sorry I hurt you. I’ll try to do better. I’ll really try.”
The biggest thing that made me cry was the way he treated me — more like the way he “didn’t” treat me. He could go for days on end without talking to me or touching me. After a sobbing session, all I ever wanted was for him to come hold me close. In fact, I’d often cry saying, “Can’t you just hug me? You make me feel like I’m poison! I feel like I have some kind of sickness and you don’t want to be near me. I just want you to hold me. Hug me. Touch me.” Those words seemed to be foreign to him. John would look at me with hollow eyes — like he had no clue what I was talking about.
Our fifth year anniversary was coming up and I dreaded it. People from church were asking, “Are you doing something special to celebrate? Where are you going? Do you want me to babysit the kids for the night? What does John have planned for you? I know it will be something wonderful!”
Let’s just say that our anniversary was different — far, far different than I expected. April 18 fell on a Wednesday that year — and of course we had bible study that evening, so there was nothing planned. I kept hoping that John would have a surprise date night planned. It would be so nice to go out — just the two of us — and be like a young couple in love again!
Saturday came, and I was losing hope. There was nothing. Not even a card. I had done my usual gift shopping. Don’t tell me why except I love to give gifts. I still love to give gifts, and I hope I always will! I bought John a new suit, shirt, and tie. He wore dress clothes six days a week, and he absolutely hated going shopping (can you believe we only went Christmas shopping together one time in our entire married lives?????). All I wanted was a simple card. Okay, maybe a long-stemmed red rose, too. I think that would have been so romantic! And, yes, I even told John what I wanted. Because he was a list-maker and lived by his lists, his words to me, “Tell me what to get, and I’ll get it. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. But, don’t expect me to be a mind reader.”
I was crushed by the time Saturday evening rolled around and there was no card. And, no date night. No rose. Five years of marriage and no kind of special recognition. That hurt.
I knew something was brewing, though. He was on the phone whispering for two days. And, he kept going into the church auditorium from our livingroom (remember that we lived in the parsonage). He seemed especially happy on Sunday morning — an excited kind of happy, and that usually meant one thing. He had some kind of crazy antic up his sleeve for a sermon and I dreaded that. I never knew if he was going to throw a glass of water into the audience, jump on the pew to bring home a point, or cry. He was getting good at turning on the waterworks while preaching and I’m going to be honest with you. It seemed so fake to me that it was hard to handle.
On this morning, though, the sermon was different. It was all about honoring women. Interesting for a man who showed so much dishonor in his own home! He quoted scripture after scripture and I don’t think there was a woman in the audience who wasn’t poking her husband in the ribs as if to say, “Are you listening to what John is saying? This is how you’re supposed to treat me!”
As for me — a felt hollow inside. I knew the real John. I knew the John who wasn’t that same person who adored his wife with all of his heart and who shared mutual respect and adoration of her. His words stung and I could feel the tears falling from my eyes.
At the close of his sermon, instead of saying the usual words of asking if there were those who wanted to give their lives to Christ in baptism, John began walking down the aisle towards me. He looked over his shoulder and simply said, “Now, Ruth!”
Suddenly, there was love music filling the air of the auditorium, and my sister walked out from behind the baptistry door with a package, and came and handed it to John. I could tell she was embarrassed and nervous. He took this box with everyone in the auditorium watching his every move.
He walked up to me, got down on a knee, opened up the box, and handed me the most beautiful bouquet of roses ever! I was stunned!!! Never had he done anything like this ever before!! “Happy anniversary to the one and only person I will ever love!”
Please pay close attention! Do you see what was being done? This was such a show! What should have been a simple act of love and kindness between a husband and wife turned into a big elaborate show for the entire church to see! This wasn’t a moment between the two of us. It was a staged act that would forever seal the love and adoration of John with the women of the church — the mothers of the children!
John about drove my sister crazy, she later told me. That entire week, he had her practicing how she would hide behind the baptistry and pop out at the just right time when he said the right word. She was the one who went to pick up the roses and hid them. He used her to gain her trust, too. She thought this was the most romantic thing she’d ever witnessed — just like something out of a love novel.
Trust me when I say that when we stepped through the door into our livingroom that Sunday afternoon the romance was all over. John sat back in his chair while I fixed lunch, he ate, and then he basked in the sunshine of his day. Mission accomplished!
For years after that grand event, women would talk to me about how I was the luckiest person they knew to have such a caring, loving husband. Inside, I died a little more each time they said this. If only they knew! If only they knew what really went on inside our marriage. How many times I went to bed sobbing because of the hurtful things John said. “Don’t rub your hammerhead toes up against me. That’s disgusting. Don’t hug me. I can’t stand that feeling — it’s too smothering.” And, he would always — always — put his back to me when we went to bed! He made it very clear that he was shunning me!
I was like a puppy craving some affection. John was now a traveling insurance salesman so I rarely got to see him at all during the week. Most of the time I only got to see him on Friday nights, a bit on Saturday, and Sundays while he was preaching. It was a lonely, lonely life, but he was shining! Not only shining, but he was thriving! He was a happy, happy man — freedom, no accountability, a church that loved him, kids that loved him, a community that was growing to love him. But, his wife? Not so much. But never would I tell. Never. Why? Because deep down I still felt it was my Christian duty to uphold him in whatever he did. I felt I should never question him or make his life uncomfortable. I wanted to be the best wife and mother I could be and I thought that by keeping quiet, by pretending to be happy, by accepting the crumbs of time he gave me that one day — one day he really and truly would want to do the thing that I most wanted out of our marriage. I wanted him to enjoy spending time with me!
I can see now how John set the stage for molesting children. I can see how me made certain nobody would ever question his motives or actions when around children. I can see how the abuse was able to continue!
Child molesters do something called grooming. Grooming is how a predator develops a friendship with the child, creating a bond, preparing them for sexual assault. Predators start by choosing the parents. They will push the boundaries of acceptable behavior to test parents and see if they can take advantage of them. They literally seduce the parents into allowing them access to their children. By charming parents and gaining their trust, the predator gains access to the family and is not suspected of inappropriate behavior.
This quote is taken from NotWithMyChild.Org . Pay attention to the words. Examine what is going on in your own life. Think. Watch. Listen. Pay attention!!!! Please, for the sake of the children pay attention! If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t!!! Abuse is never right — not emotional abuse. Not physical abuse! Not spiritual abuse! Abuse hurts. It leaves wounds cause a lifetime of pain!
Be smart! Look for the red flags that are waving and don’t allow the abuse to continue. And, please…………..if you suspect that you are being set up or your child is being targeted, get out of that situation fast! Confront the person. Set boundaries and stick to them. Grooming is the first and most important phase of molesting. Once you’re in the trap, you may never get out!
Love,
Clara
With regard to the men you are talking about, I am in complete sympathy with you. These men have done awful things and are in danger of doing more awful things. I hope these discussions help people heal.
However, I think you generalize from these awful men to others who are different. Since some sex offenders abuse against hundreds of children, a victim is much more likely to have been abused by one of them. But the typical (median) sex offender against a girl has between 1 and 2 victims. He often doesn’t set out to abuse anyone, but from genuine mutual affection, distorted thinking leads to abuse. It’s terrible, but it’s not quite so incomprehensible, and these men typically have low recidivism rates.
I also object to the use of the word “pedophile”. I know it is common in the culture, but what you mean is something more like “child sex abuser”. Part of the definition of a pedophile is an attraction to children that is much stronger than attraction to adults, and many child sex abusers don’t meet that criterion. I am a pedophile, but a celibate pedophile. If you knew me in real life, you would have no idea of my attractions, and I would no more abuse a child than you would. People like me are invisible not just to the public but to scientists as well.
Let me tell you why it matters. A fairly large number of boys — at least one percent — realize when they are teens that they are attracted only to children. Their peers just don’t interest them. This has nothing to do with how they were raised; it seems to be set early in life, much like homosexuality, and it can’t be changed. They read reports like yours of what pedophiles are like and they are scared to death. These young men write to us all the time (see “First Words” under “Who We Are” on our virped.org site). They need to know that they can live a decent life without ever abusing children — even if they face a hard life of never knowing love or sex with another person. Of course it’s not your job to write about everyone; you write about what moves you. But a nod to the existence of decent, celibate pedophiles would be nice.
Ethan, I find this so interesting and have raised these points with my partner, about it possibly being a sexual orientation. The conflict arises because in other sexual orientations the acts are consensual whereas children are victims of this orientation. If pedophilia is indeed an orientation it is also one of deep suffering… if you practice, for your victims… if you don’t practice, for yourself. But, if it is a sexual orientation, why aren’t there more women?
“Sexual orientation” should be a scientific term, referring to a pattern of sexual attraction that is set early and highly resistant to change. The term has a political tone of “it’s OK” as applied to homosexuality. But the reason that homosexual behavior is OK is simply because no one gets hurt, and the fact that it is an orientation is just an explanation of why gay men and lesbians don’t just decide to become straight.
Children are victims when pedophiles who don’t care or can’t control themselves act. For many pedophiles, the attractions are romantic and the fantasies consensual and the intention to cause harm is rare. The chances of finding a consenting partner are an absolute zero percent, and for many pedophiles the chances of acting are also right there at zero percent. But overall there is both danger of acting and great sadness in the not acting and the orientation is not something anyone would choose.
The biggest reason there aren’t more women is that the world only learns about pedophiles after they commit crimes, and women are simply a lot less likely to commit crimes. It’s true there are also fewer to start with — but a remarkable number write to us at virped.org.
Ethan, I appreciate your input. I do disagree with two things based on years and years of data collected by specialsts in the field (such as Anna Salter) that sex offenders abuse only 1 or 2 girls. Data (from the sex offenders themselves) does not show that to be the norm. I also disagree with the recidivism rate being low because we really don’t have a good way of collecting that data. Once a man is caught, and has been placed in te legal system there are numbers of reasons the recidivism rate is perhaps seemingly low — one being smarter now about the laws and also being smarter about who to molest.
That being said, I applaud you and those such as you who “choose” not to follow through on your thoughts and molest. When a child is abused, it’s not just a little thing, but it’s a life-long battle of fighting to feel human and normal again for that child that was victimized. That could (and possibly should) be another entire series of blog educational pieces. Obviously, my heart is more in tune with children who have been targeted and molested than the person struggling with thoughts of molesting. There is help available — counselors — who will help such young men learn to control those thoughts. I’m not minimizing how difficult a struggle you and others have, and I do thank God that there are some who do not follow through on their thoughts.
The intent of this blog is to tell my story, which of course is about a man who did not attempt to get help. He plotted, planned, and carried out his thoughts, and his molesting did not stay limited to one or two girls. He molested countless children over the course of the years (by his admission and by the evidence presented).
I will try to always include the word “practicing” when using pedophile. ie. “Practicing pedophile” — I realize that not every pedophile carries through on his/her thoughts, nor is every child molester a pedophile. The semantics gets a bit tricky sometimes.
I hope and I pray that there will be a breakthrough in the world of child molestation. For now, I will continue to tell “my story” and how it came to be that I was married for almost forty years to a man who was molesting children without my knowledge. The work and planning he put into this still blows me away. That’s why I want others to be educated — we need to know what to look for in those who ARE carrying out their thoughts and molesting innocent children!
I pray to God that you will reach many pedophiles prior to them acting on their thoughts so that we can keep our children safe!
You are so inspiring, Clara… a very balanced response xxx
Thanks for the willingness to take a broader view — which I imagine may not be easy for you or some of your readers. “Practicing pedophile” is an improvement, though “offending pedophile” would seem to catch the illegality aspect better.
As for number of victims and recidivism, those are research questions. Here is a reference to an important study surveying many other studies (meta-analysis). http://www.theroyal.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/2011_Seto_Contact-Sexual-Offending-by-Men-With-Online-Sexual-Offenses.pdf
Rachel Aviv’s “New Yorker” article deals with number of victims too. See http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2013/01/14/130114fa_fact_aviv?currentPage=all and search for “Butner”. In brief, the high average number of victims comes from one outlier study where the men had a strong incentive to fabricate offenses they had never committed.
The idea that recidivism only seems to be low because men learn not to get caught is a hunch based on preconceptions but not on data — which is by definition hard to come up with. Somehow burglars and auto thieves don’t learn in prison how not to get caught and have recidivism rates above 80%. One criticism of sex offender registries is that the vast majority of offenses are committed by people who have never been caught before.
Sexual abuse is no less horrible if a man has one victim than 100. But assuming most sex offenders are incorrigible psychopaths with dozens of victims is not productive either. Some fit that category but are comparatively rare.
I agree that the concerns of victims (and the right to never be a victim!) are far more important than concern for pedophiles. Being in a difficult situation is no excuse for taking it out on someone else. That’s why our website says “Our highest priority is to help pedophiles never abuse children.”
The idea that there are counselors available to help pedophiles never offend is overly optimistic. Mandatory reporter laws sometimes call for a clinician to alert police if they think a man is likely to offend in the future — which is a huge deterrent to celibate pedophiles seeking help. Many clinicians terminate therapy immediately if the subject of pedophilic thoughts comes up. Others see him as nothing but a potential offender rather than a full human being, a poor match when self-esteem is very low to start. There is a great deal of room for improvement.
I’m breathing long and hard because we’re dealing with two totally different situations. I understand what you are saying. However, I don’t have the answers to the pedophile’s problems (and they are many). My purpose is to educate parents (and children) to be aware of the red flags that could indicate a pedophile who is molesting or planning to molest a child. My passion is to keep our children safe from sexual molestation. You are attempting to educate from one vantage point, and I am at the other end of the spectrum. Equally difficult are the struggles a victim goes through to get help when molestation has taken place. Often, there are years of silence due to trauma, not being believed, and fear of speaking out. Then, comes the challenge of getting help — trained professionals to help the victim learn how to move forward in life after being molested. There are very few trained professionals available, the wait list is long, and it costs a LOT to get this kind of help.
I’m making no apologies for being an advocate for the children.
I’m going to use my ex-husband as an example (and then I’m choosing to close this discussion for now). “If” he indeed was born with some kind of dysfunction or whatever science calls it, and he was aware of this, then he had two choices (other than to molest). Seek help. Or remain constantly on guard to control his thoughts and keep them from turning into actions. When he was arrested, he gave testimony that he knew (100%) that what he was doing was wrong. *NOTE: I know that he doesn’t have a clue as to the depth of pain he has caused by statements he has made since his incarceration. In his mind, what he did “wasn’t all that bad.”
He was a preacher, Christian college graduate, and certainly knew a lot of people who would have kept his “secret” in confidence and would have helped him get help. BUT, he chose to take action on his thoughts.
I’m sure the response would be, “But he was so afraid to seek help.” Well, toss aside HIS fear and think of the hellish fear instilled in every one of those children he molested. He planned. He lied. He manipulated. He set things up. He lied some more. He went out of his way to make certain he molested. His actions were very well thought out.
If you’d like to continue this conversation, you can privately email me at: chinton49@gmail.com .
Do pedophiles abuse their own children?
Pedophiles will abuse any child that they can access, manipulate, control, and that can fill their seflish, perverted desires. It is documented that pedophiles know 60% of their victims (this fact is documented in several sources). This does include step children, neices and nephews, cousins, etc. So, sadly, yes, the children of pedophiles can be among those who are victims of abuse. Keep in mind, they are banking on total secrecy, so that is often more difficult with their own children, but does become much easier when the child is a step-child, or a more distant relative. And, then their circle spreads from there. One pedophile will molest on averal a total of 250 children in his/her lifetime (Anna Salter’s books give the strongest data on this). Their net spreads far and wide. And, this is frightening to really stop and think about.
And your own children, Clara? I’ve been wondering through all your posts but afraid to ask…
Carly, This is a valid question and one many have asked. I’ll talk more about my children and their role in this manipulative web of darkness as the blog progresses, but one thing I promised myself when I began writing is not to disclose the names and locations of victims of John. John used my children much in the same way as he used me — except he chose to make them his greatest cheerleaders. He did no wrong in their eyes. He often mocked me behind my back to the kids when I tried to discipline them. They were his airtight alibi in this web of lies. In fact, most of the children are still having a difficult time accepting that their father — the man who sat on the pinnacle of their hearts — is in prison serving 30 years in prison for molesting children. He made certain he was the perfect, fun loving, understanding father who was always there for them. With his kids on his side, it opened wide the doors to his deception and molesting.
Thank you, Clara… my step grandfather who is now 94 has abused so so many children and I have been trying to understand and support my mother (one of his victims). Your blog is helping me, even though I have tears streaming down my face after every entry. Thank you for sharing.
Carly, I’m so very sorry to hear this. This morning when I awoke, I was feeling lonely and maybe had a bit of self-pity (something that I hate to admit). Then, it suddenly hit me how I haven’t said “thank you” in several weeks now for the arrest and imprisonment of John. I am so thankful that he is behind bars because that is the only way this molesting children would have stopped. When I hear things such as you’ve just said about your step grandfather it brings to light once more the importance of continuing this writing. People need to be aware of just how sneaky and conniving pedophiles are. And, when they molest, they are counting on their victims not ever speaking out against them — or if they do — of never being believed. I hope and pray you can be a big support to your mom. The wreckage that a pedophile leaves behind is often a lifetime of pain, self-degrading and mistrust. Your mom needs lots of love and support!
I convinced her 2 years ago to go to the police… to help her get resolution in some way but he has conveniently claimed senility which means he can’t go to trial. He’s not senile… he’s been driving and interacting in society until now. Now he is still walking free and my mum has anxiety attacks when she sees him (they live in the same suburb)… it’s hard 🙁
I’m so sorry to hear this. But, it doesn’t at all surprise me. Pedophiles are smart. I hope that your mom can wipe this man out of her life completely — there may be other strategies she can use such as writing him a letter and sending it to him bringing her some kind of closure. She can also make certain the police keep a close watch on this man to make sure he is “senile”. Is he in his own home/apartment? Do everything you can to make sure he is monitored in some way. Inflict restrictions on him any way that you can. Pedophiles count on us going away. Be the voice that haunts him day and night — just as his actions haunted your mom (and countless others) day and night for years and years. It’s very hard — extremely hard seeing the man that molested her. It’s wrong, it’s unfair, and it almost seems like he comes out the winner. BUT, we’re wll on our way to making it so hard for pedophiles to access children that there will be a day when situations like this no longer exist. Press on, support your mom, and keep your eyes and ears open. This man may slip up with his “senility” yet. PS Does he have a doctor stating that he is indeed senile? If so, keep pushing the law to take away as many privileges as they can. Do all you can to show him that you’re not going away. I’m proud of you and your mom for taking some kind of action. There’s empowerment in that! Great, great empowerment! Your mom is a “survivor” — not a victim! 🙂
I’m going to send your comments to her to read.. thank you, Clara. He still lives in his home, with his wife (my mum’s mother, who never believed her or any of the other victims). I try to let my mum know she is a survivor, brave and lucky to have such a beautiful life… but she has very low self confidence… all we can do is love 🙂 Thank you again xxx
Carly, Please do let your mom know she is a true survivor! She will rise above this! In fact, she’s already doing it. She can’t undo what was already done, but she can move forward and hold her head high knowing that she is a survivor. PS Rarely, if ever, do pedophiles ever acknowledge their actions. They place blame on the child or they totally deny anything has happened. That’s another reason I want to keep this blog alive and spreading. Those who have been molested need to know that they can rise above the pedophile — and by doing so, they have broken free of the power once held over them! And, that is a feeling of absolute freedom!!!!!
That was extremely enlightening. Very sad and really creepy, but extremely enlightening and very, very helpful. Thank you so much for sharing, Clara.
Carla, It is creepy. And when I write about it, I usually am done in for several days afterward. It took me almost two years to understand that I didn’t need “permission” to go to the bathroom when I wanted. I don’t think we’re capable of understanding the amount of hurt and pain and control that is being put on us daily while it’s happening. Once we break free, the freedom is almost “too much” to handle all at once. I’m still adjusting. And, I worry constantly about those who were molested. That’s a whole different level of abuse, and I don’t know how they ever recover. I really don’t. My heart hurts from all of this. I just hope and pray people are paying attention and understand the depth of all of this. Thanks so much for your comment.
Oh how that first sentence made me laugh!!! Because I was also told on a couple of occasions that I was lucky to have my husband. I always felt sick inside when anyone said that because his “showmanship” had those people fooled. I just wanted to say “oh really!! you don’t know the half of it” But I knew that if I did, they probably wouldn’t believe that this wonderful guy could also have a mean, horrible side to him. I still find this really difficult to deal with.
It is so easy now to see how my family was groomed. Maybe they should be called Snake Charmers–but they are the snakes in the grass!