Sometimes you just know…..you know something is wrong, but you don’t know what it is! That’s how I felt for most of my married life. I knew there was something really big that was wrong, but I could never put my finger on it. I just couldn’t figure it out. And, at times that about drove me crazy!
If you’re new to this blog, please start here so that you get the complete details of my story. I was married to one man for almost forty years. He was the love of my life — the one I prayed for God to send me. And, when we exchanged our vows, I intended for that to be forever.
Sadly, life doesn’t always turn out how we’d like. What I didn’t know finally came to light in a most horrible way almost forty years into our marriage. I was married to a man I didn’t know. My husband, the father of our eleven children, was a practicing pedophile since the age of fourteen. He is now serving a sentence of 30 – 60 years in prison for crimes of child molestation he committed.
To pick up where we left off in my story…….About nine years into our marriage, John decided to take a course in public speaking. He chose the Dale Carnegie course that was being offered in a city about an hour’s drive away from the church parsonage where we lived. That was a good thing, I thought. John was not a good communicator with adults. He had no problems whatsoever getting along with children or teens. In fact, as I’ve mentioned time and time again, kids loved him. He was the jolly-ho-ho-ho man that kids always wanted to be around. He was fun! He was a tease! He always had some kind of new trick up his sleeve! He knew how to keep kids laughing!
But, put him in a room with adults, and he’d clam up. Worse yet, put him in a room alone with me, and he didn’t know how to act or what to say. It wasn’t unusual for him to sit in total silence and just stare off in the wild blue yonder after not seeing me for an entire week. If I’d ask how his day or week was, he’d mumble, “Okay.” And, that was it. He was a terrible adult communicator, so naturally I was more than pleased when he told me he was taking this course in communications.
It was so weird to me, though, that he never got home until very, very late at night. And, when he did come home, he would say the same thing. “I’m beat. I’m ready for bed.”
Much to my disappointment, he was not gaining skills in communicating any better — at least not with me! Instead, it was like he was cowering, hiding something — just acting so strange. He couldn’t look me in the eyes. He’d just go upstairs and climb into bed in total silence following these classes.
My sister was living with us at the time, and her bedroom was down the hallway from ours. She still talks to me about the hours on end she’d hear me crying (sobbing) myself to sleep. John would come home from class (I guess that’s where he was, but I have no proof), and it was if he tried hard to run from me so he wouldn’t have to talk!
Something was very, very wrong, but I couldn’t figure it out!
Things quickly changed with his preaching, though. He was now a dramatist! It was downright embarrassing! He’d read self-help books (I suppose recommended in the course he was taking) and rip pages out of these books, highlight them in bright yellow and neon pink, place the pages from these books in his Bible, and read straight from those pages for his Sunday morning sermons! These were not Bible lessons or lessons from the word of God. These were lessons on how to read body language, how to persuade people to do what you wanted, how to use imagery in order to convince people to make purchases.
It was freaky! It was wrong! It was strange! And, most of all, it was working! There were a few people who commented negatively on the lessons he was giving jumping up and down on the stage like a wild actor, but NOBODY questioned him enough to call him out on it! NOBODY! He was supposed to be the spiritual leader of this congregation!
Instead, John was practicing how to manipulate children and adults right there in church and nobody — not one of us — questioned what he was doing! We were being used as his puppets!
Are you digesting what I’m saying? Here was a man who had been sought to feed a group of people spiritual food from God’s word. Instead, he was using everyone in the congregation as his guinea pigs to practice manipulation techniques which would ultimately be used for molesting children!
You might wonder if I ever talked to John about these crazy “sermons” of his, and I did time and time again. I told him it was shameful. He wasn’t studying the Bible. He was tearing pages out of books and hiding them IN his Bible. These weren’t sermons. These “lessons” were used “on us” — not “for our edification spiritually” and he didn’t care. Honestly, he laughed it off. He said, “This stuff will help me in my insurance sales. I need to know how to read people in order to close sales.” And, close the sales, he did! He was the top salesman in insurance to elderly people for several years in a row!
As I’m writing this, I’m so ashamed of who he was as a minister. I really and truly am. He wasn’t an honest man! Nobody knew the real John, including me! He most definitely should not have been in the position as a minister — a man of God leading a congregation who was seeking to have a relationship with God. This will always pain me. And, in all truthfulness, this has made it very, very difficult for me to trust ministers in general (except for my son Jimmy — I know his heart and he is truly a man of God!).
So, what were the red flags in this brief chapter from my life? Honestly, nothing would have been a tip-off and that’s what’s so disturbing about trying to identify a pedophile. Knowing what I now know….there are several red flags, though!
1. The course John took was not being used to better his communication with adults. He used this course to learn how to better manipulate and use people. He used this course to learn how to get money out of people. He used this course to learn how to read body language! He used this course to learn how to get what he wanted!
2. John’s wrongful behavior was tolerated by an entire congregation. The people knew he wasn’t using the Bible for preaching and teaching, yet this was tolerated. Why? Because he had people mentally trapped! He was sly as a fox when it came to getting people to like him. He knew how to turn on the charm and it worked! He got paid to practice manipulation techniques — right in church! Pretty sick, isn’t it? I don’t know about you, but I feel really used! It’s no wonder that church didn’t grow during the years John served as the minister!
3. John was a master liar as are all pedophiles! I will always have my suspicions where he went after class. Always! I do know one thing — he sure didn’t want to be around me! I waited up for him time and time again, only to be given the cold shoulder in bed. We didn’t have a marriage that was normal! He didn’t talk to me. He didn’t share things with me. He didn’t laugh with me. He didn’t eat with me. He didn’t want to be intimate with me. Something was wrong! I know one thing now — he was being satisfied elsewhere and that’s a fact!
4. John had no remorse, guilt, or conscience about lying and cheating. When I tried talking to him about his spiritual responsibilities, it went in one ear and out the other. He was not a spiritual minded man! Oh, he had his moments later on in his preaching career (and we’ll talk about that later on as this blog continues), but I will always, always doubt his sincerity. Pedophiles are liars and they pre-plan their actions with one thing in mind — molesting children. Believe it or not, that’s what their focus in life is — to gain control and to molest!
Listen to these words taken from the book, “Conversations With a Pedophile.” These words are from the mouth of a pedophile who is also serving a life sentence for his crimes.
“My high was not just getting the final sexual gratification but getting it according to an increasingly precise plan. In these early years, I was already discovering that while I loved the ultimate sexual act, the real thrill lay in the planning — a thrill that equaled that of the final sexual release.”
This is real. This is the world and the mind of a pedophile. I lived with a practicing pedophile for forty years. He was masterful at hiding his “other life” from me and thousands of other people. To this day I still have people tell me, “I can’t believe this. Not John. Not the John I loved so much.”
Yes. This is John. Yes, this is the mind of a pedophile. These molesters are alive. They are living among us. They are harming our children. They have harmed many of you who are my readers. And, it’s time to stop them! It’s time to step out, be smarter than they are, call them out on their actions, back them into a corner and make it impossible for them to get to our children!
I have a wonderful opportunity to share with you. My son Jimmy is holding a workshop on February 22, 2014 about Child Sex Abuse: Detection and Prevention. With a lot of hard work and planning, Jimmy is able to offer this workshop (for free) live via a webinar to those who cannot make it in person. Spaces are limited, so I urge you to register now. Please don’t miss this workshop as it’s going to be invaluable!
Jimmy is also bringing in Les Ferguson, Jr. whose son was molested then murdered by a pedophile. Tragically, his wife was also murdered by the molester. This is the real world in which we live! We must do something to stop things like this from continuing to happen!
Please register for this workshop and get more educated! For the sake and safety of our children, let’s do all we can to keep our children safe!
If you have questions, please post them on this blog or email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com . And be sure to share this blog with as many people as you know who will benefit from this!
My love to all,
Clara
PS The next time we meet at this blog, I will be talking about our move to the country and the doors that opened for John’s pedophilia. You won’t want to miss this post!
Clara, I do thank God (Papa) for you. We are united in this cause to protect the sanctity of a Safe Childhood for all. I will be brutally honesty here, I wondered “How could she not know!!?” ‘Til I tried on a pair of your shoes. Ouch…They, the pedophiles, are good aren’t they…wow so good, so smooth, you honestly don’t know what is black or white when around them. They are that convincing…cunning…mind altering… please know I wish you that 60 seconds of freedom every now & then if just to breathe in “fresh” air and outta this web of deceit.
Yes, we sure are united in this cause of protecting out children!!!! And, what a job this is! There is no discerning black and white with a pedophile. They know how to muddy the waters so much that they often leave us feeling crazy, and that’s just what they want. They are the sneakiest liars ever……..deceiving the very ones who love them with all of their hearts and put their trust in them.
And, so our cause continues. We WILL be a loud and strong and mighty voice — for the children! After all, if we don’t help them, who will?
Clara,
Every time I read.your blog II Peter 2 and Jude 1 come to mind about men like this.
I quote Peter:
” Their destruction is their reward for the harm they have done. They love to indulge in evil pleasures in broad daylight. They are a disgrace and a stain among you. They delight in deception even as they eat with you in your fellowship meals. They commit adultery with their eyes, and their desire for sin is never satisfied. They lure unstable people into sin, and they are well trained in greed. They live under God’s curse.”
I am so glad you are sharing this–your son Jimmy is a great minister. I hate the things that led me to the two of you, but I am glad to know you!
Les, Sometimes the pain is over the edge. And, then I think of how God is using our pain to help in this horrible arena of child abuse and it helps some — not a lot just yet, but some. It makes me feel energized when I know that by sharing, we are helping others!
My prayers are with you and your family ever day!
Just said a prayer for both of you. I hope Valentines was reederming in some way and that you felt the love of the Lord strongly today. Appreciate you both.
Les thank you for laying your soul bare…once again…letting this rip it open, but hopefully pain rushes out of it and healing anew…. you have helped me and maybe 2 more children…. hope that is some balm for the wound. God has blessed me with you.
Clara, thank you again for being willing to be transparent situations even though I know it is incredibly difficult for you. In one paragraph, you said that you were ashamed of who your husband was as a pastor…..I understand the humiliation that must have brought to you. As a victim and survivor, I know the awful pain of shame, but I want to encourage you in saying that that shame is not yours to bear. You did nothing wrong…..ask the Lord to sweep over you with the peace and freedom that only He can bring. I am praying that for you.
Jane, Thanks so much for your understanding and compassion. I’m working on separating myself from the situation, but let’s just say…..it isn’t easy! I’m longing for that day when I can honestly say, “I feel freedom from this — finally!”
Again, thank you for the strength you bring to this blog!
I agree, Clara, I know that your head tells you it isn’t your fault, but your heart is blaming you. I also know that others say, ” how could she not know?”
At some point, you will have to trust God, for your sanity and leave your shame at His feet. That battle is hard to over come within our selves.
Glennbrownministries.com ( not the guy in Bakersfield, ca) has a series of lectures called pathway to freedom. It has helped me so much, get perspective on unfounded guilt … Hope this helps.
Barbara, thank you! I will check out that series. I’m finding it’s a daily battle/process of letting go of the guilt. As I write about these red flags, it’s helping me. Even those these are blaring signals that something was terribly wrong, I still wouldn’t have been able to piece everything together — not with the limited knowledge I had at the time. Plus, sadly, there wouldn’t have been enough “evidence” to convict him at that time. How horrible that so many children’s lives had to be victimized before John was caught! That’s the part that really messes with my mind and my heart.
I truly feel your pain. I recently found out that my husband of 45 years raped my younger sisters, preteen,, shortly after our marriage. He tried with other children also. I have no idea if he succeeded with others that I don’t know about. I was also aware that something was wrong in our marriage. I could not quite figure it out. He was very moody at times and would not talk to me. He made me feel guilty for things that would go wrong. Things were always my fault. We began having some real issues with our relationship and he told me what he did. He blames me for not being there for him. He is not taking responsibility for his actions, although he admits to the acts. He moved out a few months ago. I am devastated. where do I go from here. I am in counseling but still have no idea what to do. I am at a total loss. Please help me to understand.
Maryann, I’m so, so sorry. Finding out something like this is devastating! Placing the blame on you “for not being there” is a technique used to make you feel guilty for the heinous actions that your husband did (crimes he committed, actually!).
I can’t talk for everyone, but I know that once I found out what John had been doing I was so repulsed when I looked at him that I’d never want to be in a room alone with him again — ever! (We were already separated at the time which made it a bit easier for me than what you’re going through.) Plus, when my mind goes to that place where I understand what he did to children, I would NEVER want to be with him again, ever. My concerns are with the children.
I’m so glad you’re in counseling, Maryann. I know that it will help. I’m not sure we can ever fully understand the mind of a molester. I would suggest you get a copy of the recommended book on this site. It will help you get inside of the mind of a molester a bit better. I doubt your husband even comes close to realizing the depth of pain he has caused for so many.
And, you will make it! You’re much stronger than you think! Much, much stronger!
I pray your sisters have found their place of healing.
Thank you so much for your comment. I know that took a great amount of courage. Please continue to read the blog, and there may be some things that enlighten you more and will help you to find a place of peace in life once again.