The last two posts written have caused quite a stir among our regular readers as well as many new readers.  Most of the private emails I receive are asking, “Why did you stay in this marriage if it was so terrible?  Even if you didn’t know you were married to an active pedophile, why did you stay?”

I’ll repeat this again and again.  When abuse takes place a person doesn’t feel worthy of anything different than abuse.  There is a brainwashing, so-to-speak, that teaches the abused person to accept mistreatment because that is what is deserved.  There is also great fear of leaving.  In my case, how in the world would I support my family if I left?  What would happen to the children that I loved with all of my heart and soul?  Where would we live?  There is also the self-imposed prison that holds the abused person captive.  Years of abuse wears away any self-esteem and there is a powerlessness — a feeling of being too weak to escape.  And, many times there is little to no support to help the abused person get away.  And, so we stay….we stay until…….   The abused person stays until something inside clicks and says, “I cannot and I will not take this any more.  I will get away even if I die trying!”  In my case, I did not suffer physical abuse, but the emotional abuse was horrid.  It was discreet.  It was insidious.  It was done in the name of God.  It was done with lies.  And, it was done in such a way as to make me feel like I was a horrible person who had gone near crazy.

After John’s long, frightening entanglement with the Federal government and all of the things that happened in that six-year period, our family was shattered.  Outside we looked okay to most people.  The abused and wounded learn quickly not to share too much with others. Wearing a mask is a coping mechanism, and without having to be taught, the kids and I put on our masks and made it look like we had come through this storm as a united family — strong and secure and sure in our faith.  That’s how the outside world saw us.

It was a far, far different picture inside the walls of our home, though.  Two of the girls were being treated for severe depression.  One of the boys was on the verge of a breakdown and almost dropped out of college.  There were questions of faith and God, eating disorders, and panic attacks in the middle of the night.  We were a mess!  For the very first time we were all seeing John as a different person.  He had made choices that impacted us as a family in hard, painful ways.  But, the amazing thing is that he never saw it that way!  He still thought he was an amazing husband and dad! 

He grew very angry with me, though.  Quietly and privately angry with me.  At night he would tell me I was the cause of all of this grief.  “You’re crazy.  You should have left me alone in this legal case.  Everything would have been fine if you had kept out of it.”  I was confused.  I would often look at him and think, “I don’t have a clue who this man is.”  I would hear him laughing on the phone with strangers, then he would clam up with me and not say a word.  Or, he would look at me with that evil sneer that penetrated my heart.

I’d try to talk to him about all of my concerns with the kids and his answer was always the same.  “You worry too much over nothing.  They’re fine.  Back off and leave them alone.”  He did not favor either counseling or medication to help the depression for the girls.  I took them to the doctor and counselor anyway.  This was a horrible time in life because I felt like I had to keep a fake smile always going when inside I was screaming, “I want to run so far away that he’ll never catch up to me.  I don’t want to ever look at this man again — ever!” 

My love for John didn’t exist any more.  I no longer respected him as a husband or father.  I didn’t respect him as a businessman.  And, I certainly didn’t respect him for his neglect as a father to our children!  And, for certain I didn’t respect him as a minister of God.

No money.  No job.  Searching for a “manny” position.  And, yet, still preaching.  This was a wild web of intricate details that made no sense at all to me.  Was I really crazy?  Was I the only one who saw John in this light of lies and boastful arrogance?  Honestly, every one else seemed to continue to love and adore him! 

“You’re going to have to get a job fast because I can’t find one.”  If I heard that once, I heard it a thousand times after his federal charges and being stripped of his insurance license.  Believe me, I wanted to work, but at this point in my life I was in a pit of depression and full of so much fear.  Our lives felt like they were literally falling apart and nobody seemed to see it but me.

I don’t know yet how it happened, but I did manage to find a job — a wonderful job — with absolutely wonderful people.  Inside of me I had a knot of fear that nearly choked me every day, but I went to work.  I had kids to feed.  And, it felt good to get out of the house because what was happening inside of the house with John was almost unbelievable!

John did not lose his ability to use his power of persuasive talk.  He managed to get a job from a church member.  This was a created sales position just for him.  He got a company car, a laptop computer, a new iPhone, a top-notch video camera, a digital camera, a salary, and an expense account that paid for his internet.

Believe me when I say this — there is no way we could have lived on my income.  No way!  I had been a stay-at-home mom since our first year of marriage when our first child arrived, and my working knowledge was next to nil.  Had it not been for this man who gave John this job, we would have been out on the street, and I will be eternally grateful to this gentleman for his help!

What angers me, though, is what happened with John!  He abused this job in every way you can imagine.  He’d prop himself up in the dining room with his laptop, hook up internet that was “his” (I’m still not sure how he did that!).  And, he’d come slithering out of the bedroom in his sweat pants and fix himself some hot tea and a big meal and he’d be set for the day.  Most days when I left for work he was sitting at the computer and when I returned from work he was still sitting at the computer.  I sincerely doubt he was looking at trucks (he was in truck sales) all day long!

On the days that he went out to see possible clients, he took his stash of equipment — iPhone, camera, video camera, and laptop.  The only problem was, and I find this to be a HUGE red flag, he “lost” everything not once, but twice, and had the company replace all of the equipment with brand new!!!

Think about this for a minute!  How do you “lose” a video camera — have it replaced, and then “lose” it again?  How do you “lose” a digital camera — have it replaced, then “lose” it again? 

Why do you need a video camera for taking photos of trucks?  I never could figure that out!  Never!  But……..he fussed and fumed with the company until he had everything replaced two times over — top quality, every bell and whistle of the finest technology equipment.

At this same time, I didn’t even have a cell phone, nor did I know how to use one.  I had no knowledge of how to use a laptop, let alone the iPhone (he had one of the first that ever came out!).

Do you see what was happening? At the time I didn’t have a clue.  I was embarrassed that he kept asking for things like new cameras, new phones, new laptops, new video cameras, and free unlimited internet.  Not John!  He demanded that he got those things — and he did!  Do you see how much he manipulated people?

Oh, let me not forget the car that he was forever putting in the shop for repairs.  I can only imagine where he was driving to get the car so out of alignment, in need of new tires so often, and in need of so many tune-ups!

Once again, John Hinton had free rein.  He had time and privacy and now he had every new fangled piece of top-notch technology at his fingertips — all for his very own! Little did I know what he was doing with these things.  Little did he know that in the end these very things would be what helped get him arrested!

As I would look at him I grew angry inside.  I was angry for the pain he had caused the kids.  I was angry for the pain he had caused me.  I was angry for the embarrassment he caused all of us.  I was angry about his cocky attitude — an attitude that said, “People owe me these things!”  I was just plain angry and I knew — I finally knew for sure — that I wanted to get out of this marriage!

Let’s sum up what was going on at this stage in our marriage.  I’m now out of the home working.  John has the home all to himself — we have a reversal of our roles.  However, he has toys to play with — fancy toys that made no sense for him to have.  He demanded that he have them for a job that was created just for him.  He wasn’t making sales or visiting clients.  Why?  Because I now know that he was very, very involved in porn at this time.  Now it makes sense. 

And as far as losing his video camera, digital camera, and phone?  I have a strong feeling (although I can’t prove it) that he dumped them in a river somewhere because someone probably turned him in.  Keep in mind, on his arrest three years ago, he had hundreds of photos of nude children on his computer, camera, and phone.  And, he was attempting to made kiddie porn videos.

The red flags were waving but I sure didn’t catch on!  NOBODY caught on!  Why?  Because John was a smooth talker.  He was a masterful liar.  He was a manipulator.  He was orchestrating the very details he needed so that he could accomplish one thing — the molestation of children! 

I’m sick as I think back to this time in life.  Very rarely will I allow myself to think about these three years prior to his getting his first job as a manny.  I believe with all of my heart that when John was faking it as a salesman he was digging himself in deeper and deeper into his pedophilia.  He now had complete freedom — he knew he’d get a paycheck each week, and I was now out of the house every day.  The kids were in school.  He had time to do what he wanted — exploit young children!

Please, please listen to me!  If you are currently in a situation like I’ve described, please don’t wait years to leave.  Do it now!  Get your children and get away!  Abuse is not to be tolerated — ever!  If you have any reason at all to suspect there is any kind of looking at child pornography in your home, report it at once!  You just might save some children from suffering mental anguish, panic, and trauma related to child abuse.

I’m explaining in detail the red flags so that you can be a hundred times smarter than me!  I didn’t know what to look for!  I wish I had taken his camera and looked at the photos on it.  Instead, I was the obedient wife and never touched his things.  NEVER!  I never even lifted the lid to his laptop.  Why?  He trained me well in our first years of marriage when he locked himself up on his secret chamber.  Now?  I’m certain he was viewing child pornography with me right in the room with him.  He knew I’d never cross the line and touch anything that was his!  He was “coming out” right before my very eyes and I was too uneducated to figure it out! 

Please share this information with others.  This is how pedophiles work.  They lie.  They manipulate.  They emotionally abuse.  And, they get away with it by making you feel like there is something wrong with you!  They’re banking on you being a victim all of your life, but I’m telling you that you have the inner strength to break free!  Do it!  Let’s not allow these horrible crimes against children to continue!  Please speak up.  Speak out!  Speak loud!  Speak often!  You can do it!  Together we’re forming a voice and we are beginning to make a difference.  People are listening.  People are reporting.  Pedophiles are being caught.  And, we’re making it more and more difficult for child molestation to take place!

Thank you for reading.  Thank you for sharing and caring.  Thank you for taking a stand against child abuse!

Love,

Clara