Every now and then I remember an event in my life that literally sends shivers up my spine and I’m going to share one of those times with you today. This isn’t easy to read, but it’s important to read! For almost forty years I was the wife of a practicing pedophile and didn’t know it. I saw odd behavior but passed it off as just that — odd. There were times when I was treated genuinely well in my marriage — like I was loved and adored. And, there were times when I was neglected and ignored to the point of making me withdraw into a shell of silence and depression. There was next to zero self-esteem in my life, and all I wanted to do was “be good enough” to be loved by my husband and the father of my children. There were times when I literally begged for love, and this segment of my life that I’m about to share will give you an even closer inside glimpse into the mind of a man who spent long, hard hours planning his every move that dug him deeper into the dark world of pedophilia.
If you’re new to this blog, I suggest you begin here and continue reading each post so that you can watch how the events in my life unfolded while being married for forty years to a practicing pedophile. I didn’t know what signs to look for and I’m sharing my story so that you can learn from me just how easily we can be fooled into completely trusting our children with molesters!
John loved church camp! It was part of his life growing up as a kid. In fact, I can say that church camp was one of the biggest highlights of his life. He wasn’t a big talker with me, but when it came to church camp, he got downright giddy. He would mark the date of church camp on his calendar a year in advance and make certain that he was a volunteer there every year. Honestly, I think we could have experienced a death in the family and he would have put church camp above attending the funeral.
In 1975, John had made his usual plans to volunteer his week at church camp. I’ll be honest with you. By this time in our married lives, I was so used to staying at home, that the thought never crossed my mind to go with him. Besides, on this particular year I was sixteen weeks pregnant with our fourth child and I wasn’t having a good pregnancy. I was experiencing bleeding and the doctor warned me that I should have complete bed rest until the bleeding stopped.
As you can guess, a troubled pregnancy was certainly no reason for John to miss the highlight of his year. He worked hard for weeks planning games for the talent show at camp. He was known as the “camp jokester” — the one who kept things lively and hopping at camp. He was a prankster doing things like hiding in the woods at night and hiding food from the cooks in the mess hall. He had his reputation as “camp comedian” to live up to, and nothing would stop John from going!
He also loved to hide out in the woods and set traps that would make the kids trip and fall and then he’d spook them by grabbing them and making them think that they tripped over a snake. I can’t tell you how animated he got over his week at camp!
He especially loved raiding the girl’s cabins at night, and would tell story after story of peeking inside the cabin windows late at night to scare the girls half to death.
This particular year I really didn’t want John to leave me. I had three young children, a fourth on the way, and it was a difficult pregnancy. I literally begged him to stay home from camp that year. “Please, can’t you stay with me? I’m so afraid that something will happen to this baby while you’re gone.”
John had a way of looking at me that was a mixture of pity, disgust, and questioning. He just stared as if to say, “I don’t get it. Why would I stay home? Camp is where I need to be.”
And, that’s just where he went. I remember the morning he packed up the car for camp this particular year. I sobbed because the bleeding had gotten worse, and I knew once John was at camp I wasn’t allowed to call him. He said it was a “camp rule.” In later years I found out there was no such rule. He could have picked up the camp phone in the kitchen and called me any time he wanted.
I watched the car pull out of the driveway of the church parsonage and then the tears really began to fall. I had already miscarried once and I knew how horrifying an experience that was and I was petrified that I would have to go through another loss again. I wanted my husband home with me!
Logic would tell you that I should have said, “You’re not going. This is your baby, and I am your wife. You’re staying with me! This is where you belong.” But, when you are already beaten down emotionally, there’s not a lot of fight in you. And, it is humiliating and demoralizing to have to beg for someone to love you. And, that’s just how it was with me. Besides, I felt once again that it was my Christian duty to share John with others — that he was a real asset to the campers. This was supposed to be a fun week for the camp kids, and a part of me felt so ashamed for wanting to keep him home from having this time away that he loved so much.
I’d like to say this was a good week, and all was well, but it was not. The pregnancy continued to give me problems. I was scared out of my mind as the bleeding gained momentum. And, I was also too afraid to try to call John to ask him to come home with me. In looking back now, I can’t believe how afraid of him I was. I have grown to say that he had a “quiet, complete, empowering control over me” — so hidden from everyone else. To the public, he was a fun, sweet, kind, man who loved his wife and children with all of his heart. He was also this man who everyone wanted to be around — he could make you laugh, he was even-tempered and so patient about everything, and he always flavored life with Christ-like love. At least that how it seemed to others.
John never called home once that week to ask how I was doing or to ask how the kids were doing. Not one call! Nothing! Not one word all week long!
When he came back on Saturday, I was not feeling well at all. In fact, I was now bleeding regularly. But, I didn’t tell John. Instead, I listened to him tell his stories of the crazy antics he played at camp. He told me about one particular preacher that he “razzed” (a word he loved to use) until this preacher actually cried. John pulled so many pranks that week that he was not invited back! He laughed himself silly over that! In his words, “They love me! I’ll go back next year. You just wait and see. That camp can’t survive without me!”
I shudder to think of what he really did while peeking inside of the girl’s cabins at night while they were undressing to get into their pj’s. I cringe when I think of him hiding out tripping the girls on their way back to the cabins and hearing them shriek in the woods as they thought a snake was wrapping around them! I’ve cried many tears over stories that were later told to me about him volunteering to walk the young girls to their cabins after the nightly devotionals so that they wouldn’t get afraid of the dark.
John loved church camp because it gave him a world of opportunities to have free access to children! He was trusted and loved! While other adults were sitting around the campfire talking together, he was out playing “pranks” on the kids.
Please pay attention! This is not a joke! Read this over and over again until it all sinks in! John is sitting in prison serving a thirty year sentence for molesting children. He has admitted to molesting children since the age of fourteen. He studied children, and knew games that they loved to play such as tag and hide-and-seek. He loved hanging out with kids far more than the adults. He got so excited about this, that he could barely tell the stories because he was so giddy about his time with the kids at camp. That’s not normal behavior for an adult! That’s really not normal behavior for an adult preacher — a man of God! That’s not normal behavior for a husband and father!
There were red flags waving everywhere, but nobody caught on!
Four days after John got home from camp, I lost the baby. I began hemorrhaging and for a period of twenty-four hours my life was at risk because the bleeding was so bad. I had emergency surgery.
John did not stay with me at the hospital. He left while I was still in recovery. He said hospitals bothered him and he didn’t like hearing about blood.
My mind was left in a state of flux. There were so many things I didn’t understand about the man who was my husband. He said he loved me, but he was so distant. Around me he was not affectionate, but around children he was absolutely amazing — hugging, holding, snuggling, and cuddling.
I thought there was something so very wrong with me. It took me forty years to find out it wasn’t me. It never was about me. It was all about the children.
Please, please share this blog with others. Take these words to heart. Do you know someone who displays this type of behavior? If so, have you confronted this person? Are you living in a situation similar to this? Do you see “odd” behavior? Does your gut feeling tell you something is wrong? Are you being emotionally abused? Do you know a child who is being abused? Has your child given you hints that he or she has been abused by someone? Are you listening to the voices of the children?
Please talk to someone! Keep this person from your children! Pedophiles are walking among us. They are your neighbor, your preacher, your teacher, your mailman, your best friend — maybe even your husband!
For the sake of the children, please let’s be on the alert at all times. Let’s make it impossible for these predators to gain access to our children! It’s our responsibility to do all we can to keep our children safe — beginning right now!!!
Love,
Clara
I know how you feel as we felt the same way.
We’re not stupid or blind, the Molesters are smart and devious and know how to cover their tracks.
It’s only after a Child tells and talks that the pieces of the puzzle fit together and the picture is clear to see.
A Mother/Wife trusts her Partner with her/other Children as Molesting is the most further thing from her mind.
If there has been no Molesting in the Family or she has not been Molested, she does not expect it at all.
My experience where my Grand-daughter told and talked about what happened with her was something that has scared me for life. My heart and Soul broke into a million pieces for her.
My Grand-daughter was called a Liar by the Molester and he blamed my Daughter and a string of other people for the Abuse.
This I have learned is normal for a Molester to do to try and shift the blame to someone else.
I am so proud of my Daughter who believed her Child, stood up for her and protected her against everything to this day.
Two Psychologists, one being a Forensic Psychologist confirmed the Sexual Abuse of the little Girl.
Needless to say, the Molester is still fighting for his Rights to have the little Girl and her small Sister in his life as Custodian of them.
When will strict Laws protect the Abused Children from these Criminals and put them behind Bars where they deserve to be.
Little Girls and Boys have Rights too…
That was a two hankie post for me, Clara. Even though the setting and circumstances are different, you describe so well how I felt at certain times in my former marriage. I have a mixture of shame and pride as I think about it now. Shame for being weak enough to be a desirable wife for a pedophile, pride that I eventually gained enough strength and courage to see reality and successfully stop him. Reading your posts helps me work these conflicting feelings. Thanks! Posting your story I’m sure helps many of us in many ways. 🙂
I appreciate so much what you’ve just said. For me, this has been a terrible thing to know that I was not the truly “desired one” in our marriage — like finding out there’s been a life-long affair going on. It’s embarrassing, to say the least, that I wasn’t smart enough to pick up on more than “this is odd.” And, I, too have a great sense of inner peace when I think, “Wow! He didn’t ruin me. I’m a survivor!” And, that gives me hope to think that all of those children who were abused can be survivers and thrivers, too! I pray for that every day — that they will be among those reading this blog and will become empowered — knowing that they, too, can be strong survivors!
Oh Clara, It breaks my heart a little each time you say you were so stupid or naïve, you weren’t smart enough. Those things are NOT true! You were trusting your husband, and doing your best to love him (WHILE raising 11 kids, no less). A wife SHOULD be able to trust and encourage her husband! I’m so glad to see knowledge of abuse increasing because sometimes the line between abuse and what is simply odd or humanly selfish behavior is pretty thin. Keep doing what you’re doing! I can see from the comments on your page and Jimmy’s page that you ARE making a difference! You are stronger than you know! 2 Corinthians 12:9, Philippians 4:13
Zipporah, Thank you so much for the reminders. I go through at least one session every day of “Why didn’t I see this?”. Hindsight is always so much clearer, isn’t it? I was too trusting, and now I’m having problems with the opposite — not sure when I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again. I’m working hard to find that balance needed for living a happy, wholesome life. Thanks so much for your encouragement!
There is a man at our church……. a very funny man in his sixties, a real jokester. He acts more like a child than a grown man. He adores young children, and they him.
He has always been the only man volunteering for the nursery. And I’ve always had a bad feeling about it. Fortunately, he is never the sole caregiver in the nursery, there always have to be two adults, and at least one of them has to be female.
He isn’t allowed to take children to the bathroom, and nobody can change babies diapers, they have to get a parent to do it.
Still, he’ll tickle kids, hug them, chase them and makes them laugh, right in front of his wife and the kid’s parents.
I’ve always tried to think that he just loves kids, that it’s no problem….. but have always felt uneasy nevertheless….. especially when he gets too close to my five grandchildren (my son is the youth pastor).
But with you describing about your husband, this man sounds too much like him! It gives me the creeps!
Do you think I could be totally wrong about this guy?
I want you to stop and think —— why is a man in his sixties acting more like a child than a grown up? Why is he tickling and chasing kids around? Why does he volunteer in the “nursery” and not volunteer with adults such as in a hospital or nursing home? There are red flags all over the place with this one! Keep him away from your grandchildren. And, have someone talk to him and say in plain language — hands off of my kids! Set boudanries and don’t be afraid to say it — no more tickling, touching, etc. You could be wrong about this guy, BUT you also could be so right!!!!! Pedophiles are smart, they are liars, and they are often the ones you least suspect. His actions are not normal! Not at all! I love children, too, but that’s not how I show my love to them. And, truthfully, it’s just plain “odd” for a man to want to volunteer in a nursery — no matter how much he loves kids!
Yes, you’re right. I also commented in your son’s blog, and he is pretty much saying the same thing.
I’ll talk to my son to see what he thinks. It could be that (as your son says) many people think something is off, but everybody thinks they’re the only one, and being afraid to say something. Especially because this man’s wife is dying of cancer right now, and he definitely really loves her.
I love children, too. But I never tickle children other than my own grandchildren……. I might hold a new baby, of course, but that’s different. Other than that, I don’t hug other people’s kids, either.
Our new pastor’s wife is way too trusting, too. Because both their families are very far away, I am trying to be like a grandmother to them. When I made the younger one a birthday present, his mother told him to hug and kiss me……… I didn’t like that! She shouldn’t tell him to hug and kiss people he barely knows. She is asking for trouble doing that….. her kids are four and seven.
I mean, it’s not that I disliked hugging this boy…. I like him, he’s sweet. I also babysit them sometimes. BUT I am almost still a stranger…… she is too trusting.
Wow, I’ll second what Clara said. You could be wrong about this guy, BUT you could also be right!!! Better safe than sorry. You might consider sharing this blog with the pastor’s wife. It sounds like she really needs to hear some of this!
About this man you speak of, his behavior does NOT sound normal to me! Being a goofball, loving kids, those could be normal…. but a huge flag went up when you said he always volunteers for nursery duty! I love, love, LOVE my children, I love being around them, I love playing with them, I teach Sunday school, but even *I* don’t want to do nursery duty all the time. I’m a grown-up and I want to talk with other grown ups! I would definitely share this blog with the pastor’s wife. It’s very important information!!!
The biggest flag is the nursery thin. MEN DONT LIKE TO CHANGE DIAPERS! I did some babysitting when I was in high school. I hated that part of the job. Any man who says he doesn’t mind it, I question his honesty.
Robert, Thank you for saying that. I don’t think it’s “normal” at all for a man to “like changing diapers” — and to like it so much the he is obsessed with talking about it. There’s something very wrong with that picture!!!
Hi Clara,
I have been following your blog. You pose the question has your child given you hints that they have been abused by someone? Can you give some examples of those hints?
Hope you have had a good day.
Pam, Sometimes children will give us “hints” such as telling us somebody shared a special secret with them, but they can’t tell. Other things such as sexual words and acting act sexual things at a very young age. Drawings that often will be telling of molesting. Reverting back to bedwetting. An unnatural fixation on sexual things at a young age. Depression for no apparent reason. Nightmares. Children saying they have something to tell you, but they think you’ll get mad if they tell. Acting out with doll or toys (sexual things). These are only a few. I’ll do an entire post on what to look for in the near future.
Thank you, I would love to see that post also! I’ve wondered that same thing.
Another hard but important read. So thankful you are sharing this story!
Les, You’ve been doing an equally important job of educating others by sharing your heart so openly. It’s sure not easy, is it? But, if we can save children and families from this horror, then I pray God will continue to give us the strength to share. My prayers and thoughts are always with you and your family.