Sometimes I hesitate to write certain stories from my life that were “red flags” about John’s secret life as a practicing pedophile because quite honestly it’s hard to write about these things and it’s shamefully embarrassing to me that I didn’t at least tell someone — anyone– what was going on. I think that’s the cry of every person who has been emotionally abused — fear of nobody believing you and also fear of being called stupid for putting up with so much wrong. I lived with both fears.
This story is graphic and if you are weak in the stomach, please do not read this one.It’s very difficult for me to think about, and I’ve tried and tried to shove it out of my mind, but the images are burned there forever. I will share only because I believe this information is important for you to know — this is information that clearly shows something was wrong with John. He was a gentle, kind person, and he was also one of the most cruel men I’ve ever known.
If you are new to this blog, I’d suggest you begin reading here. It will help you to get a bit of a background of the unfolding of how this mystery came to be solved.
By now, our kids were older and we had allowed them to have pets. Our oldest daughter chose a doggie, and he was adorable. He slept with her and he was truly our spoiled family pet. We had the usual parakeets, turtles, and fish, but this particular year one of the kid’s friends from school had some bunnies to give away so of course all we heard from morning ’til night was, “Please….please can we have a pet bunny? I promise to take good care of him. I’ll play with him and teach him tricks. I’ll feed and water him every day.” And, on and on it went. Well, as it turned out, we visited the farm, the kids chose their bunnies, and we came home with three of them. They were adorable!
The kids wrapped them in little blankets while John put the finishing touches on their bunny cages. They would stay in the side yard during the warm months, and during the winter months they would be brought into our garage for protection from the cold. The kids had used their allowance for the feeders, the straw, and the bunny pellets which they ate. And, so we became a family with a pet dog, several kittens, and now playful bunnies. Every day after school the kids would play with their pet bunnies in the yard. That is until they began growing larger and got a bit too frisky for them. Rabbits have sharp claws and they can give a pretty good bite, too!
It wasn’t but a couple of months into the pet bunny ordeal that the kids came to me and said, “Do you think we can give the bunnies back? They’re mean and they aren’t fun to play with anymore.” That was fine by me because quite truthfully I felt sorry for those rabbits always cooped up in their cages. What kind of life is that?
I talked to John about calling the farm to see if they wanted the rabbits back, but he stopped me on that idea. “No way! I have a better idea. We don’t have to call the farm. I’ll find a home for those little rascals on Saturday.”
Hmmm….I had no idea who John was giving the rabbits to, but I wasn’t at all worried about it. I was just glad that those poor things would find a good home. Our kids were afraid of them, and they just weren’t getting the attention they needed.
Saturday rolled around and I asked John if he was still taking care of the rabbits. “Yep. It’s a done deal. I’m going to wait ’til the kids are down for a nap.”
Nap time came and John went outside. He said, “I’m going to take care of those rabbits now.”
“Okay. Thank you!”
This is the part that is very hard for me to share. It’s grotesque and barbaric. It was so out of character with the man I thought I knew.
After about thirty minutes, John walked into the kitchen and said, “Hand me a baking pan. I’m cooking rabbit for supper.”
I froze in my spot in the kitchen. No. He wouldn’t do that to the kids pet rabbits. No way would he do that. John loved to hunt, but my goodness — these were family pets!
I could feel myself starting to cry. “What did you do? Please tell me! What did you do?”
John looked at me with a half grin, half smirk on his face as he calmly said, “We’re having rabbit for supper. Those things were hard to kill. They kept running around in their cages. I had to hold them down while I got them.”
My body is shaking as I’m telling this story because I truly became afraid of John that afternoon. For the very first time I knew with full assurance that he was capable of doing atrocious things. He said he took a hammer from the garage and hit each one on the head several times to kill them. He literally smashed in their skulls, skinned them, gutted them, and then wanted to prepare a feast with the pets he had just murdered.
I dropped to my knees screaming and I thought I was going to vomit. John had the most odd look on his face as if to say, “What is wrong with you? I’ve just brought home supper and this is how you act?”
He took the baking pan and brought in the rabbit meat as I sobbed and wondered how to tell the kids what had just happened. Do you know what? I don’t even remember what they were told. I’m drawing a blank. I want so badly to completely forget that scene, but it’s one that will never be forgotten. I saw a side of John — an evil, malicious side — that I never knew existed.
He breaded the rabbit meat and cooked it as he hummed a song in the kitchen. No, I did NOT eat any of the meat. I couldn’t bear to look at it. I just kept replaying over and over in my mind what it must have been like as he threw blow after blow onto the heads of those rabbits until they died.
I looked at John from a distance as he sat eating his rabbit meat, and I saw evil. I felt the evil. I knew at that point that something was terribly wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. He had crossed a line and had gone into territory that was reserved for those who were mentally ill, only he didn’t see it that way. He never thought there was a thing wrong with what he did! In fact, he said that was the best rabbit meat he had ever eaten!
The red flags were there! Something was very wrong with this man who could intentionally plan on killing his children’s pet rabbits in such an inhumane way and then sitting down at the dinner table and eating them. That look on John’s face — that sneer — was frightening. He looked like a different person. I knew from that moment forward that he was capable of inflicting pain on the innocent without feeling any remorse. I had seen it with my own eyes, but I didn’t know what to do.
Do you see what was going on here? John had crossed safe boundaries — he had exposed part of his dark side to me and I reacted just as he knew I would. I was shocked. I was repulsed. I was frightened. But I didn’t tell a soul. Ever. That was a well-kept secret without him ever threatening me not to tell.
Molesters do evil things to children. They hurt them on purpose. They do not feel remorse. They get a rush from doing it. They love the feeling of being in control — being the one with the hammer — and pounding down until there is no more breath left. In a most unusual way, John was exposing to me who he was, but I didn’t get it. I knew something was wrong, but……I slid deeper down into the hole of secrecy and despondency and never told anyone. However, from that day forward, a side of me always knew that he was not to be trusted. Ever.
What can you glean from this story? Two things are most important to remember. A child molester is charming and kind and sweet to others. I don’t think anyone would ever have believed this story had I told them. They would have looked at me in dismay and thought I was the biggest story-teller around. Never in one million years would kind Mr. John do anything harmful — not even to a flea! Wasn’t he the one that spent hours buidling the rabbit pens? Wasn’t he the one that went and got fresh straw for them every week?
Besides that, he loved and adored his children and he’d never, ever do anything to intentionally hurt them. My goodness! He was the most loving father ever! He never raised his voice. He never said a swear word. He was always funny and even-tempered with the kids. This is not something their dad would do!
A child molester always has an air-tight story. The kids always surrounded him with love and their complete allegiance. In their eyes, their dad could do no wrong!
Beware. I’ll say it again and again and again. Chances are very big that you know a child molester. Chances are that you trust a child molester. Chances are that you’ve had red flags waving in your face, but you keep saying, “No. Not this person. He is too kind. Too giving. Too loving. He has done so much good in our church and community.”
Familiarize yourself with some of the characteristics of a pedophile. If you think something is “off” — something is “wrong”, then report it. It’s better to err on the side of protecting our children than letting this behavior go on!
When I put together the Christmas gift, the skull for Mother’s Day, and the abominable eating of the pet rabbits, you can clearly see that there were dangerous red flags. Why didn’t I do anything? Think of the complexity of it all. John was a beloved preached. An adored father. Women swooned over him because of the way they thought he treated me. And, in public I was the adoring wife.
I felt like I was crazy. I was not crazy. I was living with a practicing pedophile — a man who continued to molest children up until the age of 63 when he was arrested.
Please don’t allow this same thing to happen again! Pay attention and take action! Pay attention in your churches, in your schools, in your daycares, in the homes of your children’s friends, with your babysitters….just pay attention!!!!
For the sake of all of the children, please be a voice!
Love,
Clara
John sounds like he is a classic Sociopath/Psychopath. I know this personality type very well, as my father is one. There is also Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I know that personality type well, as my step-father is one, as well as my former pastor being one. In John’s case, his disease also includes Pedophilia. I’ve read your blog from the beginning and I have to say that he had/has much going wrong in his head. The cruelty, the unfeeling eyes, the uncaring spirit, the using of people, the masks her wore in public, the charmer; all of these traits are sociopathic/narcissistic. You might, if you haven’t already, study up on these disorders. Blessings to you as you heal. I just hurt inside for you and your family.
I was a child being victimized by my step father along with my sister and his own son. I believe there were others. I was questioned at the police station once, but all I would say was no. I might have been 7. I was so afraid to tell the truth. I wanted to, but I was embarrassed and just knew I had done something to deserve it. Later on I thought everyone’s family was like mine. When I was 10 we had a small dog that was having trouble with diahrea. He put the dog in a towel and was going to smash her against a tree until my mother got the dog from him. Molesters are not always nice people. They are cold hearted and cruel and always show that side of themselves.
Brenda, I’m so sorry to read of the terrible things you’ve been through. And, I understand so much about being afraid to talk when you were a little girl. It’s so hard, isn’t it? The molesters have such a way of taking and twisting things and making it seem like others are the ones doing the wrong — they’re smart when it comes to thinks like that. I get it about your dog, too. Molesters are not nice people. They show a very nice side to thers, but there is a cold side that is frightening because there is so much evil. Thank you so much for your comment. I know that took a lot of courage!
Clara, I am moving on to reading some of your other accountings little by little. It helps me to know how much work still needs to be done. From a pedophile stepdad, whom I unfondly refer to as Satan Stepdad. I went on to marrying a sexually and physically abusive adulterer, an abuser who landed me and my children in the Underground Railroad for 2 months who is now deceased and finally a narcissistic verbal abuser who just loved to throw things close enough to me that I could feel the impact of the blow just as if it had actually hit. Children grow up feeling they deserve this type of behavior and that it is normal. If the Lord is willing that he can use me to change just one child from feeling that way, or helping one woman see that she does not have to stay with an abusive husband, I feel all that has happened in my life would have been worthwhile. Thank you for telling your story and I am so sorry for your Mother’s Day gift. You should have gotten the rocker.
Brenda, There’s a LOT of work that needs to be done in educating people about these molesters and abusers. I hope that you will do some writing/blogging, too, or find your special platform and help teach others why ones who have been abused often go on to get into relationships such as you did. That is such a misunderstood thing! You’re so right — the abusers have a way of masterfully making the child feel like this is something he/she deserved — which is so very far from the truth!!!!! God will use you, and you WILL be a voice that helps save others from horrible abuse!
And, thank you so much for your comment about the rocker. That meant a lot!
No words.
Please for those reading this blog. . Clara has said over and over ” I am not talking about my children”. Can you all just leave her kids out of it? She has bared her soul more than most people. Put it this way -would YOUR children approve if you blogged about THEIR personal sex lives for all the world to see ? Her children are REAL children with jobs and families and relationships. Do you really want them to lose whatever self respect they have ? She is respecting them in ways their father never did.
“Clara if you dont want to post this thats ok. Its just really been getting to me how people can be so insensitive after you have repeatedly said you are not talking about your children,”
Thanks so much for this comment. I appreciate your sensitivity to this topic. I always worry every time I post because John is the father of my children, and they loved their father with all of their hearts. I don’t ever want to hurt them any more than they’ve already been hurt. Also, as far as those victimized, we need to be so very respectful of anyone who has ever been victimized. I cannot begin to imagine what that would be like and we need to handle that with the utmost integrity and respect. Thank you so much for saying what needed to be said to those reading this blog.
Agree. Info on specific victims is not needed to understand the importance of learning behaviors of a pedophile so we can change the culture and protect future victims. Satisfying one’s morbid curiosity is not a valid reason to inflict exposure on any victim. Sadly, only the parents of a victim, or a victim himself, will understand this and people will likely continue to re-victimize due to ingnorance.
I have wondered … Did he touch your kids? I know that some peds, molest their own. In your writings if wondered, because you say your kids thought he was great.
Barbara, My children are suffering terribly because they adored their father and this is terribly hard for them to believe. That being said, I would never cross the line of confidentiality about any child being victimized. That’s something that is so traumatic and not to be taken lightly. I know of very few of John’s victims, but I would never reveal any. Those sweet children deserve their privacy and time to heal in their own way. I just pray to God that healing comes to them.
Been thinking about this topic – I am wondering if the question isnt so much about YOUR children in particular but if pedophiles only do OTHER people’s kids. That somehow a mother can feel safe if her husband has “strange” behaviours because “at least he won’t touch OUR children”. But then again I am guessing there is no way to know because the same strategies he would use on other children he would use far worse on his own. Dont know if this is the reason people are asking or if its just plain nosiness !
I think some people are nosy, but I believe most people are afraid. God forbid. What if? How could it happen in my home? Those are the questions parents are asking, and rightly so. Because as we know, 55% of all child molesters choose victims they know, and those are percentages based on just the crimes reported — not the ones that are kept secret forever and ever. “Trust no one” is my new motto. No one. Keep your eyes and ears and mind alert at all times!