You’ve been hearing from me, the former wife of a pedophile, for several months now. I’ve been telling my story about what it was like being married to a practicing pedophile and not finding out about this “dark side” until after almost forty years of marriage.
I will continue to tell my story and expose more and more of the “red flags” that were present in our marriage from the very day we were married. This is a difficult thing to talk about — certainly not a pleasurable topic — but the message must get out if we are going to halt these molesters and do all that we can to keep our children safe.
But, what about my children? They’ve suffered untold grief since finding this out about their dad. They respected him above anyone else on earth. He was the father that they were so very proud of — the one that other kids envied. And, now….he sits in prison for the remainder of his days as a punishment for crimes he committed against many, many children.
My son Jimmy has the very unique position in our family of being the sixth child — making him a middle child. He also is a minister, but not just any minister. He is serving at the very same church where his dad served for over thirty years. On top of that, Jimmy is the one I went to first when one of John’s victims came to me. I didn’t know who to turn to when this horror was revealed to me. I have questioned myself a million times over wondering how a mother could have placed so much pain on the heart of her son. Jimmy knows how much I will always struggle with this.
When John found out that he was under investigation, a strange turn of events came about within minutes of the police visiting him. John called Jimmy and said, “We have to talk.” It was during this father and son talk that John revealed who he was to Jimmy.
How much pain could a son’s heart be expected to handle? I will grieve the fact that Jimmy had to hear words from his father that no child should ever have to hear! I will grieve this until the day I go to my grave. Jimmy has had layer upon layer of pain placed on his heart — and yet — he is standing tall and he continues to honor God in all that he says and does.
Jimmy has held workshops on pedophilia and how to keep our children safe ever since his dad went to prison. His heart has been filled with a passion to help educate those who are in positions where they come in contact with children on a daily basis. He has put in hundreds of hours reading and studying so that he can present true, factual information.
Below you will find a video in its completion of the second annual workshop of child abuse that Jimmy has conducted. Part I is Jimmy speaking, and Part II Jimmy brings in a guest, Les Ferguson, who also has a powerful story to share about child abuse.
The video is long, but you can watch it in segments. Believe me, it’s worth every minute of your time! And, I can assure you that you will learn more than you ever dreamed possible! Please watch the video and share it with your church leaders, daycares, schools, and parent organizations. Share it with anyone you know who has an interest in keeping our children safe!
Thank you so much for watching. Thank you so much for caring. Thank you so much for sharing.
Most of all, thank you so much for doing all you can to keep our children safe!
Love,
Clara
PS This video can also be found on Jimmy’s blog, as well as on the resources page of this site.
I haven’t watched the video yet. I will. But I was intrigued–and not a bit unsettled–by the list of steps an abuser takes that shows up before you stat the video. Because I believe that one man took the first three steps with me. He never bit to the “isolate” step with me, but he did with one of my friends. What makes it all the more awkward is that he was not a child, and I wasn’t really either. Well, maybe I was in the early states, but there was ever any opportunity, since we only saw each other once a year in a public place.
You see, he is a speaker. He spoke at camp meetings. I looked up to him, and being a teenage girl whose father had died, I thought I was being smart in looking for a father figure in a man who was actually a father, not just in a boyfriend, as I had heard many fatherless girls did. But what I didn’t know is what came out a few years ago. One of my friends went to work for him. A young, single woman. She was from a disfunctinal home, and she also looked up to him like I did. He became a father to her, called her his adopted daughter (he had had only sons), but eventually moved into a sexual relationship. The deals came out in the court findings when she sued him. Unfortunately, after confessing to this “affair” and taking 6 months off to “get right with God”, he is back in ministry. His family think they can keep him on the straight and narrow by keeping an eye on him, but he seduced this girl and carried on a relationship of inappropriate touching and viewing for years without his family’s knowledge–all while being in ministry. I have no doubt that he was grooming me, but there was never any opportunity. We lived too far away. I still love the man, but he has lost all my respect. And by love, I mean as a Christian would love a friend. Now that I am happily married, I can see the danger I was in when I called him asking for advice, as though he were my father, but I was naive and clueless. I didn’t know what a pedophile was, and I certainly did not know anything about how an abuser works. Knowing what I know about their need to be in control (which I learned on this blog–thank you, Clara!–things I had heard about him a few years ago make a lot of sense. I also understand how a godly young woman can be trapped into a relationship lie they had. It’s a control issue. Sure, she probably knew it was wrong, bu as Paul said, “Adam was not deceived, but the woman [was] deceived”. I think that men who target young adult women are even more dangerous because it’s almost impossible to charge them. They manipulate the victim to where it seems consensual, so they can’t cry rape, and since it’s not a child, we can’t throw the book at them.
Parents need to be aware that just because their teenager seems okay, they (the teens) need to understandable danger of putting trust in a man if his wife is not involved. I didn’t know I was in danger. I knew a boy might take advantage of my vulnerability, but I never thought a father of one if my friends could.
I was fortunate. I was never abused. I was never a victim. And eventually I met a couple that fille the need for a father in my life. I say a couple, because the man (who was my boss for about 6 months) had a policy that he would never be alone with a woman not his wife. She was his secretary, and when he needed to talk to me privately, she sat in on the conversation. If he gave me a hug, she was right beside him, giving me one too. They helped me mature past the “need” for a father that I had had all my teenage years.
I just wish I had known what I know now. And I wish my mom had not been so controlling that I felt I had to talk to others behind her bac. I just didn’t get along with her. And that left me very vulnerable. Parents take note!!
Lisa,
What you’ve just talked about is so common. You mentioned several times over about trying to find a father figure. This man was a speaker and very charismatic, I’m sure. He knew what you wanted to hear, and he told you just that. As for your friend — she was the perfect target — someone to easily prey on. She was someone so very vulnerable. We can be sucked into the snares of being controlled and molested so easily. NEVER should we let our guard down, but that’s so much easier said than done.
I’m convinced that pedophiles know who is broken and who is looking for affection and acceptance. Those who are lonely and broken are easy to “take in” and so easy for the pedophile to use for his own selfish wants and desires.
I’m so sorry for what you and your friends have gone through. I’m so glad that you’ve found a way out — a way to have the void of a father filled in a right way.
You are so right that parents should pay attention! Too many times parents just give up on their kids when they shut down. They don’t try to find out what is bothering them. I wonder how many young people (teens included) would open up and talk if parents created an atmosphere of trust and belief in their child. We need to be aware at all times. Pedophiles are lurking everywhere — and that is a fact!