It’s been a while since I’ve written and I apologize for that.  I’ve been super busy and to tell you the truth writing the last post threw me into a mental fog for a good two weeks.  I suffered with nightmares, cold sweats, and went through several nights of not being able to sleep.  Remembering is not easy — not when you’re remembering painful events in your life.

If you’re new to this blog, please begin reading from the very beginning.  It’s so important for you to grasp just how devious and calculating the actions of pedophiles are.  As I recall more events in my life while married to a pedophile, I shake and tremble because I didn’t see life clearly.  Pain has a way of masking the truth  and that is why so many victims of sexual abuse don’t speak out.  Their pain is hidden away in a distant corner of their minds and serves a temporary purpose of hiding the reality of the truth.

I’m going to pick up where I left off with John telling me I was disgusting.  Those words still haunt me, and I imagine it will take a very long time before I can learn to erase those words from my heart and mind.  But, as things go with the life and actions of practicing pedophiles, John played with not just my mind, but with the minds of our  children and our friends at church.  He was brilliant in lining up his army of support while watching me falter and stumble like a weak, broken piece of nothingness.  What John portrayed to others was FAR from what he was like to me!

Let me explain.

I was now in counseling and I was embarrassed — actually “ashamed” to admit that I was seeing a counselor.  I didn’t share that fact with anyone except some of the kids.  Why?  Because I had been primed to believe that no Christian should ever need a counselor.  I heard sermon after sermon after sermon — from John — about God being our Counselor and our mighty Healer.  He went to great lengths to preach sermons about people that needed “nerve pills” or “anxiety pills” were weak in faith and were nothing more than “pill poppers.”  His constant preaching on this subject took its toll on me.  I felt not only weak physically and mentally, but I felt like my faith was weak and useless.

I felt like I had totally and completely failed God!   

John, on the other hand, was shining brighter than ever during this period of time.  He told the kids how worried he was about me.  He told people from church he was so worried that he couldn’t sleep.  (What a lie that was!)  And, being the caring man that he said he was, he told everyone he thought that counseling was a good thing for me.  Again, what a lie!  To my face when we were alone he made certain to tell me things such as, “I hope you’re not going crazy.”  “You better watch out.  You know those counselors are all quacks.”  “I don’t know where you’re going to get the money for counseling.  I sure don’t have the money for you to go.”  “Do you think  you had a nervous breakdown?  You’re not like yourself at all.”

Do you see what he was doing to me?  He was working hard planting seeds of doubt in my mind.  He made me feel like a burden, a fool, and a person of such weak faith for seeking counseling.

I often laid on the couch at night and prayed I would die.

By this time, I had almost totally shut down talking to John.  I went to work, came home, and went to bed.  I also noticed a shift in the kids actions towards me. They grew silent and distant with me. Most of them were living away and John began calling them.  That is something he NEVER had done before.  NEVER EVER!!!!  All through their years of college, I wrote each one separately every week sending a personal letter of encouragement.  It would take me hours to do this every week, but I knew how important it was to hear from home.  *Note:  That was back in the day before text messaging.  Can you imagine how long it took to write each one a long, newsy weekly letter?

Well, now that I was barely functioning, John gladly stepped up to the plate and took over.  He began calling the kids.  And, he called them often!  He would talk to them for hours at a time — something he had never before done in his life!  I could hear him on the phone laughing and talking and I couldn’t believe this was the same man who couldn’t carry on a five minute conversation with me.

He also called people from church — just checking up on them.  He was their “listening ear”, so-to-speak.  And, of course, that made him more of a hero to others than he had ever been before!

I continued in counseling — and John continued to remind me how weak I was.  I can remember one day looking at him as he was leaving for work (or whatever he was doing while he was away) and I begged him to stay with me for an hour “just to talk.”  I missed him.  I was afraid of our crumbling marriage.  Interestingly, I was still willing to try to make things work.  I felt like I was to blame for everything that had gone wrong in our marriage — a typical response of anyone in an abusive relationship.

I can still see his face as he stood at the kitchen door looking at me.  “What’s wrong with you? You know I have appointments to get to.  You wanted this life, now you live with it.  And, I promise you one thing.  If you try to divorce me, I will NEVER give you one cent of child support, and I will NEVER help you with anything.  I don’t care if you have to live in a tent for the rest of your life and eat crumbs off of the street.”

And, with that, he walked out of the door.

I was numb.  I was struggling in my counseling sessions to figure out how to stay in this marriage — how to keep our family from falling apart — and I just had heard words that totally ripped apart my already broken heart.

I fell to my knees and cried so hard that morning that when I went to work later on I couldn’t look anyone in the face.  My eyes were red and swollen almost completely shut.  I knew I couldn’t call the kids.  They wouldn’t believe their dad had said anything like that to me.  I couldn’t call church friends.  They sure wouldn’t listen.  He was their Knight in shining armor.  I had no mother or father to call.  And, as for God — I felt separated from God.  John made a believer of me.  If I needed counseling, that meant my faith was weak and useless.

Life wasn’t worth living — except I still had two daughters living at home and I felt like I couldn’t fail them, although our relationships were far from good at that time.  John was on a roll with the kids.  He planned fun outings with them.  “Let’s go out to the drive-in.  Get as many kids as you can and we’ll sit our lawn chairs out and have a fun night.”  And, off they went.  All summer long that became the fun thing for them to do — go to the drive in with a bunch of teens and John!  John was the father all kids wished they had!

“Let’s go camping.  I have a campsite rented, and I bought thick, juicy steaks.  Invite some friends and we’ll build a campfire, eat steaks, and then go hiking on this neat trail I discovered the other day.”  And, so they went.

There was a two-year period of hell that I entered.  My kids pulled away from me.  I was no longer fun to be around and they let me know it.  I was pretty much nothing.  John was fun!  He was cool!  He was full of life!  He was the jokester!  He was the party planner.  He was awesome in their eyes!

Do you see it?  Do you get it?  Do you see the plan?  He knew — he was smart and he knew that I was getting ready to pull out of the marriage and he was going to be the one in full control!  In fact, he made sure that the kids saw the most wonderful father in the world in him.  He stepped up to the plate and became both mom and dad to them — all according to his plans.  And, the kids fell for it hook, line, and sinker.  He had his cheering squad — both within the family and within the church.

I’m going to stop here, and I’ll resume next time by sharing with you what he was telling others about me.  He was very meticulously planning for our separation and eventual divorce, but he did it by making it look like it was all coming from me.  I was the villain.  I was the heartbreaker.  I was the crazy person.  I was the non-Christian.  I was the wife who deserted her husband.  That’s the story others were getting.

Control.  It was all about control, and he was going to stay in control no matter what.  In the meantime, his boldness with seeking “manny” jobs continued.  He also was a fill-in preacher for several churches during this time and gained the love and adoration of many — including becoming a surrogate father to several young children.

I don’t know of facts to back up my theory, but I believe that when John realized his perfect plan of keeping me as his wife — his alibi for pedophilia — was crumbling, his molesting escalated.  It was during this time that he was under investigation for child molestation in another county.  That did not come out until a year later when he told one of my daughters.  Yes, you heard right.  He shared that horror with one of my daughters.  Why?  Because he was making certain she was in his corner.  He made certain she would defend him no matter what!  She never said one word until months after his arrest about this.  That’s how much control he had over his own children!

Listen to me, please.  This is not a joke!  Pedophiles like John are all around us.  Every day on the news we hear of yet another person who has molested countless children.  And, often the children tried to tell, but NOBODY BELIEVED THEM!!!!

Please, if a child comes to you and tells you he/she has been fondled, touched inappropriately, made to pose naked for pictures, conned into playing adult sex games, was made to watch a man self-gratify himself, was shown pornography — PLEASE listen to that child and BELIEVE that child!  Kids don’t make up these things!!!  The scars from sexual molestation are horrendous.  The nightmares I had are nothing compared to the night terrors experienced by children who have been molested by an adult they loved and trusted!

It’s time to stop pretending this stuff doesn’t happen.  It’s time to start asking questions — hard questions of adults.  If you see something that doesn’t look right, question it.  If something doesn’t seem right — it probably isn’t!  Stop allowing the John Hintons of this world harm our children!!!

What can  you do?  Report your concerns to the proper authorities.  If you’re wrong, so be it.  But, if you’re right, you’ve saved many children from a lifetime of pain.  Please help me by sharing this blog.  We need to educate people so that they know that there is real evil in this world — and often from the people you very least expect!

Next week I will share with you what happened on one April night when I was all alone with John.  I still have nightmares. This one night allowed me to know “for certain” that I was living with a very evil man.

Thank you for listening.  Thank you for caring.  Thank you for sharing.  If you have questions, ask me.  If you’ve had similar experiences, please feel free to share in the comment section of this blog.  As you speak out, you, too, will become empowered!

No more abuse!  It’s time to put an end to it!  We must and we will be heard!

My love to you,
Clara