Every woman wants to be loved. That is a fact. I’m not talking about just the physical act of love, but women want “relationships.” Women want to know that they are loved by one man and that he is hers exclusively. Women respond to the word love — even when it’s not spoken. Sometimes just holding a woman’s hand is enough to make her feel genuinely loved. Women are emotionally wired to crave love!
And, when we crave a love relationship, we are blinded to the truth.
And, as I look back over my married life, I was no different. I craved love, too.
The truth is I wanted so badly to get married and begin a beautiful life together with someone that I put on blinders so that I couldn’t see the truth. I knew when we were dating that John didn’t treat me with respect. I knew that in the early years of our marriage that John hurt me intentionally at times. I knew that as the years pressed on that I had a growing fear of being alone. We had children to take care of and that took money. I couldn’t leave him — not now. How would I be able to survive on my own?
And, so the abuse continued. I forgave him for the gift of the skull for Mother’s Day. I forgave the fact that our first New Year’s Eve was spent apart by John’s own planning. I cried when he pushed me away at night, hoping and praying that whatever was wrong with me I could change. I overlooked. I forgave. Again and again, I kept trying to work on changing “me” so that I could make him happy. I tried to look prettier, get thinner, fix my hair nicer, dress more becoming.
I tried everything I knew to fix “me” so that he would love me.
Why? Why do women do this? Why do we stay in horrible relationships? Why do children live through years and years of abuse and never tell? Why are we so afraid to call out a molester or a person who could be a molester? Why are we so afraid of hurting the abuser’s feelings? I can’t speak for everyone, but I can speak for me.
Two reasons are at the top of my list.
Number one is because I didn’t want to be alone. That was a frightening, lonely thought. Ever since I was a young child I dreamed of one thing — getting married to a Christian man, having children, and living happily ever after! That’s it. Plain and simple. That’s all I ever needed and wanted.
Number two is because when John would treat me horribly, he’d almost always apologize and tell me he was sorry. I have his lines memorized. “I’m so sorry I hurt you again. I promise I’ll try to do better. I really will. You are the rock of this family. You’re the strong one, the glue that holds the family together. You shine like a diamond. I love you with all of my heart, and I’m so sorry I hurt you. This time I’ll do better.”
Time and time again, this is what he would say. And, time and time again, I’d be more than willing to kiss and make up. Why? Because I loved him. Because I wanted to be married. Because I was afraid to be alone. Because the pain was easier to live with than separation (so I thought). Because I hated the word divorce. Because I was taught to always forgive and forget. Because he was always gentle when he said those words. Because I believed him. I really and truly believed him. Because I didn’t want my children to suffer the pain of seeing us separate because “I” was the one who needed fixing.
So many of you have written me saying I should have left him early on. Others cannot understand why I stayed and continued to be his greatest supporter. Others don’t understand how children get swept up into the tight net of emotional and sexual abuse. Many of you don’t understand why I didn’t go to someone and talk about what was going on. Others want to know why young children don’t speak up when someone molests them.
Why? Because when you have two conflicting emotions love always wins out. We want to believe we are loved! We need to believe we are loved! We long to hear the words “I love you” spoken to us. And, pedophiles know this!
The conflict is between abuse and love. You can beat a child and that child will still come back to you if you smile and say I love you. They will be full of fear. They will hurt. They will become anxious. But, always that child will come back. Why? Because children want so badly to be loved! And, pedophiles are well aware of this! They’re counting on a child allowing abuse to continue just so they can hear how special they are, how much they are loved, and how they are the only one. Yes, pedophiles know all of the right words to use when molesting!
Do you see how easily the pedophile/abuser can create such confusion for the ones being used and manipulated that they don’t see the truth? They don’t want to believe the truth. They don’t want to admit that something is terribly wrong. Why? Because to do that would mean that they are not loved — not in the true sense.
To “tell” would mean, “I believed lie after lie. I trusted him. I was a fool.”
Besides that, we want to forgive. We’re taught that from little up. “If you want peace in your life, you must forgive.” “If you’re a Christian, you must turn the other cheek and forgive.” “In order to be forgiven, you must first forgive.” “Forgiveness is the key to changing a sinner’s heart.” “Jesus died for sinners. You are to forgive like the son of God.”
And, on and on and on and on it goes. We are brainwashed to forgive, but we’re not brainwashed to stop those who are doing wrong!! What a conflicting message we’re being taught!
Listen to me please. Just because a person says I’m sorry doesn’t mean that person is going to change!!
Listen to me again. “Just because a person says I’m sorry does not mean that person is going to change!” That’s a hard pill to swallow especially when we are craving love.
Somehow in our mixed up way of thinking, we’ve actually given the pedophile our blessing to continue on without even knowing it. And, we’re teaching our children to do the same.
We can forgive without tolerating wrongful behavior and that’s the part we often fail to practice. Forgiveness is not tolerating wrong. Forgiveness is being strong enough to say no. Forgiveness is saying I can love your soul but I cannot live with your harmful actions. Forgiveness is seeing the truth and no longer believing the lies. Forgiveness is no longer being hiding, but dealing with the problem. Forgiveness is saying you will be responsible for your own actions. Forgiveness is no longer covering up for a person.
Forgiveness is complex, yet so clear. Forgiveness is knowing when to say “no” and loving yourself enough to walk away.
Remind yourself often that love — real love — does not hurt. Love does not hurt children. Love does all it can to keep our children safe. Love does not lie. Love does not plan harm for another. Love does not hurt, then carelessly say, “I’m sorry.”
Please listen to your children. Talk to them about the difficult things in life. Teach them that you will love them no matter what.
And, listen. Always listen. In the words of Alan, the pedophile who was sentenced to several life sentences for molesting children, “Provide an open dialogue between you and your children to the point that they feel they can come in, discuss anything with no taboos. Let them know they’ll get legitimate answers for their questions. The number one major item is talk to them!”
For the safety of our children, please talk to your children! Let them know you’re there!
Thank YOU for listening! If you know of a child who is showing possible signs of abuse, please be that person who is there to listen! Thank you so much for reading this blog, for sharing it with others, and thank you for your many comments.
Please don’t ever place blame on the victims of abuse. Remember that victims need our love and our support. The right kind of love — not lies that shatter and break a soul! Pedophiles prey on the innocence of children by saying, “I’m sorry.” They act kind and gentle under the guise of deceitful lies! Horrible lies! It’s time to stop allowing them to get away with this! It’s time to create a safe place for our children! All children should be able to feel safe and loved in the truest sense.
Begin listening to your children today! Begin talking to your children right now! It’s time to stop pedophiles in their tracks and one of the best ways we can do that is by talking and listening to our children!
Love,
Clara
This sounds like my relationship with my mother, Clara. However, my mother never apologized for anything. She is a master at manipulation and my brother and my father’s sons are still under her control today. I think that is why she protects them. She has beaten them down, brainwashed them so much that they need her in life, unlike me.
From the time I was born, she always belittled me and told me that I was no good and wouldn’t amount to anthing, even though I was the only child that never got in trouble. I blamed myself and felt horrible about the person I was even though I was the one being raped and mistreated in my own home, under my mother’s very nose.
For as long as I can remember, I had a rebellious side but I rebelled in the sense that I was determined to be better than those that I was around. I blamed myself for a long time for all of the abuse (verbal, physical and sexual) but I was strong willed to learn a better way and surrounded myself with those that had that life that I wanted to learn from them. I saw it as my only way out, the only way I was ever going to get any freedom and I know today that this could have only come from God.
At the same time I gave my mother many, many chances before I finally wrote her (and all of the boys) out of my life, moving away and not having any contact with them and I must say that the last 15 years have been pure bliss.
Like you said in this article, “Love always wins out”. It is when I chose to love myself more, honoring God and all His words had to say about me that I excelled personally and spiritually and today, I honestly believe that if my mother died, I would not attend her funeral. I truly said my good-bye to them a long time ago.
My mother is an abuser much like a pedophile. She didn’t commit the sexual acts but she allowed them to go on and manipulated those around her, including myself to cover them up and I believe seeing that, God bestowed a strength in me, untying the family string, much like I believe He does for a lot people where you have one heart so joyously celebrating and living for Him and another celebrating and living for Satan. God sets us free with a handful of blessing to spread around and share with others.
Hugs to you my friend!
Kerri, You are a precious young lady, and I’m looking forward to meeting you some day soon. I “get it” about the possibility of you not attending your mother’s funeral when that day comes. When abuse takes place such as you’ve described, we have to “let go” — release it — or we cannot heal. You’ve obviously given opportunity after opportunity for your mother and the rest of your family (who abused you) to ask for forgiveness and to make amends. When that doesn’t happen, we need to move on. I’m so glad that God has given you the courage and the strength to move on!
You are one very amazing young lady!! And, your smile is infectious! Beautiful!!!
Kerri,
I am so sorry for what you went through. What a horror! But I relate so well to what you have done. Going “No Contact” is sometimes the only thing you can do to protect yourself. And it takes a very, very strong person to carry this out and stick to it. I have done the same with my father and it has not always been easy for me to stick to. He groomed me well to be a compliant person, never to hurt anyone’s feelings, and be obedient, especially towards him. He even expects that of me as an adult. But I respect you so much for digging deep and finding the strength to break the ties you needed to break. I hope nothing but the best for you. And like you, I am not sure I will attend my father’s funeral when that day comes. My brother and I are both feel that way and we both have a “No Contact” policy with him. I could write volumes about our experience, but I won’t. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I respect what you did so much. Much blessings to you!
Clara, I wanted to ask, and maybe make folks aware, have you or Jimmy found in your research that women, Mothers, Grandmothers, step mothers, sisters etc are abusers? Imagine a child having to tell on your own Mother/ Grandmother’s! Who would, who could believe me? Even their involvement or knowingly hiding of it? Just wanted to bring this point out in the light. Would love to hear your thoughts on this. You give me strength. Walking in your shoes…
That’s a great question, and the truth is “yes” — there are mothers, grandmothers, step-mothers, sisters, etc., who are abusers. Females are not as common (maybe because the truth comes out less frequently). But, there sure are female abusers. A woman was just arrested here locally today in our neighboring town. I cannot imagine a child having to tell on his/her own Mother. And, I cannot imagine the damage done to a child. So very heartbreaking!
I know I have probably said this before, but my longing for love carried on from sexual abuse as a child through abusive husband as an adult life. I will be 57 soon and over the last few months have found freedom. I have had no contact with X husband for over 2 weeks. I keep myself in my Bible more than ever. It is frightening at first being alone, but I found that God is my father, husband and friend. I don’t have to cook better, dress better, color my hair just like he wants. He loves me as I am. He is not abusive. He loves His daughters.
I am so glad that you are free Clara. I am finding ways to mention your work and hope that the Lord will use that to not only get the message out to protect our kids, but for God’s glory. I don’t believe he is any too happy with any form of abuse especially when the abuser claims to be one of His own. That claim could very well come back to haunt them in the day of judgment.
We are told to forgive until it becomes an excuse for abusers to continue on their wicked ways. They will forgive, they have to. I can let go of what happened to me, but then I have turned them over to God. I am not likely to have my abusers sitting at my table as I serve them dinner. There are consequences for repeatedly treating someone unkindly. That is a very delicate word for the kinds of abuse and torment these people bring to the young, but at some point if you don’t let it go it becomes cancer. Their unrepentant sin will be cancer to them. I do not that cancer and self loathing to eat away at me any longer. There is a child out there that is waiting for a no strings attached hug or someone that hears their cry and believes what they have experienced as truth. I pray the Lord allows us to find each other.
Brenda, Thank you so much for your comments! Every time you write, I can feel a bit more of your empowerment!!! You are loved by God for who you are — just as you are, and that is such a blessing, isn’t it? No more working so hard to try to please another for crumbs of affection that turn abusive!
“Letting go” is absolutely necessary for complete freedom and I believe it comes in time and is the final step to complete healing from abuse.
You are so right — there are children out there (probably right under our noses) that are looking for someone to hear their cry, to believe in them, and to offer them a safe place to fall. Hopefully and prayerfully, each of us who visits this site and becomes more and more educated about the trickery of pedophiles who molest, we will become that safe harbor!
I’m so happy that you’ve found your freedom! There is nothing quite like it!
Clara, I understand why you stayed. I stayed for 24 years and did it again for 5 more years. As a child, my father told me how funny looking I was with his jokes, so I “married a man like dear old Dad”. All I wanted was love. I thought it was me and didn’t want to give up. You have so many fears of being alone, but you aren’t really alone, God is always with you!! You are stronger than you think. Thanks for your blog.
Wanda, Thank you so much for your comments! When we look deep into our lives, it’s easy to see so many of the poor choices in life we’ve made just because we want/need to be loved. That longing is so strong that many times we do most anything just to be called “special” or to think that we are loved by someone.
I’m working on the fear of being alone. I don’t so much fear it at this point in my life as I just don’t like the idea of being alone. To know that you are not “the one and only” to anyone is sad — but it’s more sad to be the “one and only who is used and abused by someone in the name of love.”
Every day I’m feeling stronger. Thank YOU for your input! It is my most sincere prayer that this blog will be used to empower victims to become survivors!!!
Clara, this is an extraordinarily open post. I have two observations:
1. Any type of abuser (sexual, emotional, verbal, physical) counts on the reluctance of his victim to say “no more.” I’ve worked with women in domestic violence and there is always a longing to see him as they want him to be, not as his behavior indicates. Sometimes it takes years for a woman to be strong and defy her own, her family and her community expectations and say “this is over.” Many women never find that strength. They lead half-lives, always hoping things will get better.
2. I am a Christian. However, I find it a glaring fault in the Christian community when divorced people are considered inferior, or someone to be pitied, or a “loser” (even if it’s not expressed that honestly.) If we would show love to those who end their marriage, instead of treating them like outcasts or objects of pity, we would enable women to be strong and leave when abused. I guess our churches have to stop being afraid of strong women, but that’s a whole different blog topic.
Thank you again for your honesty in publishing your story and allowing comments.
Kathy, You’ve brought about so many great points!!! Thank you so much!!
Do you want to know what my greatest fear was in leaving John (before I knew he was molesting children)? My fears were two things: not being accepted by the church, and not being accepted by my own children. And, I can tell you from experience that it takes a very strong person to withstand the judgment placed on them by both church and family. Others tend to think that the abuse “wasn’t so bad” or that “if you just forgive and learn how to live with this” your marriage could be saved. That’s not how it works in a truly abusive situation! If only it was that simple!
In my case, when the truth became known about John, my family became my greatest support. Had that not been the case, the outcome would have been far different.
Interestingly, I have had several speaking engagements cancelled as soon as I give my marital status as “divorced.” I’ve been very discouraged by this and it’s not just one church, but Christians as a whole.
About six weeks ago, I had a finger pointed in my face by someone reminding me of what a sin it was for me to divorce. I’m learning to rise above this, but it’s still painful. As you said, this is another entirely different topic — maybe to be discussed at a later date.
For now….we have children to take care of! 🙂 Thank you so very much for your comments and insight!
Clara, That is so sad. The word divorced should not have the stigma associated with it that it does in the church. Now child molester should be recognized as the sin it is, but divorcing a child molester is not a sin. It is biblical and should be accepted as such. People have everything turned upside down. The importance of their children’s safety is at stake.
Brenda, I agree. It most certainly is very sad. But, it is what it is. Some people will never listen to the sound of reason and will choose to debate and issue until the day they die.
At this point in my life, I feel I’m the one who must face my Maker. In the meantime, there are sweet, sweet children who need our protection. Thanks so much for your input, caring, and love!
Clara, you have biblical reason for divorce. You have societal reason for divorce. You are following the Lord with the decisions you’ve made and the path you are following. Stay strong and know you are lifted in prayer.
Kathy, Thank you. Thank you so much!
For the record, it wasn’t a sin to leave him.