Two years. It’s been two years now since the father of my children was sentenced to prison for the rest of his earthly life. He was sentenced just a couple of days before Father’s Day. And I’m left without words. What does a mother say to her children under circumstances like this? “Soon you’ll all feel better.” “Life will be back to normal before you know it.” “Just pretend everything’s okay.” Those words don’t fit — not at all!
What should I say? How do I help ease the pain that is stirring within the hearts of my children right now? They loved their dad so much! I’m sure beneath the surface of crushing pain, there is still love. He’s their father, but for now he’s their father who has been convicted of some of the worst offenses known to mankind. How do any of us balance loving a person with all of your heart when knowing that this person has committed actions that have caused terror, pain, fear, and mental anguish to so many? How do you love and respect a father who has harmed so many children?
Everywhere one turns there are reminders that Father’s Day is approaching. The stores are full of loving cards for fathers. Sermons will be preached on the blessing of godly fathers. Facebook will be full of letters and special quotes and sayings to fathers who are sorely missed and loved. Pictures will be posted of fathers. Family pictures will be taken with fathers. There will be weekend fishing trips with dads. Gifts bought. Restaurants will be filled to capacity with children and their fathers.
What do I suggest to my children to do on this Father’s Day? What do others in similar situations do? I have yet to find any kind of guide book. I can’t find any books or articles called “Ways for Children to Survive Father’s Day When Dad is a Child Molester.” I’ve looked on prison websites. I’ve searched high and low for help. If there’s something out there, I’d like to know so that I can help my children and others who are living this daily nightmare to know how to get through Father’s Day.
I haven’t slept well for several nights knowing Father’s Day is approaching. We always made a big celebration out of this special day. When the kids were young, I baked John a cake, cooked a special meal for him, and the kids showered him with hugs, cheers, and handmade cards and gifts.
When they got older, they took him out every Father’s Day morning to breakfast and enjoyed their special time with him. Such pride! Always, pride and respect for their father.
He was a great dad. He was also a child molester. How do you balance the two?
The answer is — I don’t know. I really don’t know. I wish I was wiser. I wish I would get hit with some lightening bolt of inspiration. I wish I could say, “This is how to do it. This is what you should do.” But, the truth is — I don’t know what to do that could possibly help my children.
And, so we will face this day with courage together. I will never be their father. I can’t be. But, I can be there for them on this Father’s Day — to talk to them if they feel like it. Or to listen to their silence if that’s what they prefer. But, I will be there. Standing off to the side, my heart aching, my lips praying, tears falling.
When someone tries to justify or feel pity in any way for what pedophiles do, I want you to remember the impact their actions have on so many people. Pedophiles bring pain into the lives of the children they have molested. They bring pain into the lives of their families who have innocently been pulled into this nightmare. They have brought pain into the lives of their community, their churches, and to all who knew and trusted them.
Please read this — a hundred times over if you have to. Pedophiles harm children. Pedophiles harm adults. Pedophiles bring pain and suffering into the lives of all they know. And, the pain often lasts a lifetime!
It’s time — it is time to do everything we can to put an end to this type of ongoing tragedy. It’s time we find ways to give help and encouragement to those who have fallen into the entrapment of pedophiles. It’s time to speak up and speak out!
God bless all children who have been impacted in some way by the actions of a pedophile this Father’s Day. Many hearts reach out to you in love.
One day it will get better. It has to!
Love,
Clara
I know this is after the fact, but you get by on those hard days, like Father’s Day, by the grace of God. You get by on the strength He gives when you know you have none of your own. You keep going by praying for God’s wisdom and strength. That is how your kids get through too. You celebrate the good “fathers” in your lives like grandfathers that love and encourage. You celebrate God, the Father of the Fatherless. How do I know? Because I have lived through 10 Fathers days with my four children. The first year the youngest was 6 and the oldest was 16. I have experienced God’s all sufficient grace to see me through the past ten years. There have been many struggles and much heartache but there has also been many things that I have learned about God that I would have never known without this trial in my life. Before, I knew God was my strength, my hope, my guide, my provider, my good shepherd, my rock, my hiding place, my strong tower, my very present help in trouble and the many other things He is. The difference is that now I KNOW those things about my God because I have experienced them. I am so thankful that He never leaves us nor forsakes us even when we feel we are all alone or feel that no one understands us. He is good. He is faithful. Two verses that have been so dear to me are Is 40:29 “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.” And Ps 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”
I truly mean this in the best possible way. However, I have read this phrase, ” he was a great father” in many different ways from several different posts written…
Here is my take …. I don’t think that he was a great father to your kids, even though he was a fun father to them. I’m not judging here as I didn’t live with you … But when reading all your posts, I’m seeing a man who showed contempt to his wife in front of the kids. He openly put you down and did not build you up … Therefore he was not a great father. A great father leaves a legacy of examples of loving actions toward his wife and the love of his life …. These actions teach the children of a family how to love their own wives and husbands … A great father leaves a legacy of Godly behavior, and Christian love for his kids to follow.
John did not teach that to his kids …. He doesn’t need to be honored as a great man and father.
The core of father hood is leadership to pass on the skills necessary to have loving honest relationships with the next generation. He didn’t do that.
I have found myself saying that my husband was a great father because he was fun, did fun things … He was exciting to my kids because he made their parties extra fun …. Nothing I planned was good enough … He had to make extra happen. He was fun with movie night and on and on … You get the point.
But, in the grand scope of things, ….. He taught my boys how to not respect a woman, he taught my boys how not to work, and he taught them how to manipulate …..
.my boys don’t completely understand all the covert things that they struggle with because of the manipulation and dishonesty of their fathers life …. Even though my husband was a master at keeping his second life a secret from me …. The truth is, his deceptions and heart core was there…. And kids, above all, pick up on the slightest behaviors …..they are sponges, and they see all things, and they follow all those things ….
You have a great heart, and I understand your position as you stand with your children now alone. I read your kindness toward John and your efforts to ease your children’s pain but being diplomatic.
You, Clara, are the great parent, you are the one to be honored ….you are the one standing with your kids, you didn’t abandon them, nor teach them to live secret lives ……. And you are the one helping them pick up and keep going….. You are the last parent standing, and God is with you ….
John was not great ……. You are ….
Barbara, Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I had to take several deep breaths while reading your comments — I’ve been so conditioned to hearing what a great father John was, what a great preacher he was, what a great example in the community he was. It’s difficult for me to wrap my mind around the “un-greatness” of him yet. This discovery of who he really was/is has been traumatic, and that’s putting it mildly. When you *think* you know a person and then find out that person is another person altogether with an evil heart, it’s very difficult to believe. I know the facts. I’ve talked to some of the victims of his horrendous abuse. And, I still find my mind wrestling with all kinds of conflicting thoughts. That’s just how cunning, how mentally abusive and controlling he was. I needed to hear that I am/was a good parent. Sometimes even our children forget to say that. Again, thank you so much! You are a blessing to me.
Barbara is spot on.
This leads me to wonder–did your children have grandfathers while they were growing up? You mentioned on an earlier message that your Ex is still controlling and manipulating his family. Just wondering if your father or father-in-law ever noticed red-flags.
And remember, we all would have reacted similarly in your situation.
Linda, What a powerful, insightful question.
My father was NOT a part of my children’s lives and that breaks my heart. He died in 2010, and by HIS CHOICE he did not have anything to do with me or my children for years and years. He grew up in a very complex mix of family messes, and then went through a very horrible divorce with my mother after my 13-year-old sister tragically died. (He blamed himself for her death — another long, complicated story.) After that, he lived pretty much as a recluse.
John’s father was never close to our children. In fact, he also died in 2010 and he never did get the names of our children correct. We lived away and visited very seldom.
My kids grew up without the strong, stable influence of grandparents from either side. That, to me, is heartbreaking.
Realizing forgiveness does NOT mean erasing boundaries or limits. I think too many times people think to forgive means to let the person do whatever they want even when it hurts people (especially children) with no accountability or consequences. Forgiveness is an attitude that says ” I am not going to exact revenge on you -I will let God deal with you” but it also says “that does not mean I will allow you to deliberately destroy my body-my family or those I love -if you persist I will erect barriers to protect them until you have shown evidence of repentance and a changed life.
I think too often parents who have been abused (especially in family situations) gloss over it by saying ” I have forgiven” when really they mean ” I dont want to deal with rupturing the family -making people mad at me -exposing the person who did it ” and as a result her children then grow up not having the tools to protect themselves -not knowing who they can trust (as in always wondering who the person was ) and end up many times being the victim of the same perp who hurt their parent.
We searched three or four variations of “children of pedophiles” and did not see one helpful book…there is definitely a need.
Thank you for using your time to invest in helping the next generation.
Hello Claire,
My heart goes out to you and your family again. My own family has to feel this same sorrow in a world where it seems that everyone else is enjoying Father’s Day except us. But we know that this is NOT true. Our “Father” or my soon to be ex is out of prison but is still in his own prison of his sin, denial, manipulation and deception as a Pedofile. My children loved their Father but they only knew the man that he was pretending to be. A man who stated that he was a believer but has not truely repented of his sins. I loved a man who I thought was a believer, a man who copied and mimicked my walk with the Lord. A hypocrite. One who was living two lives. Even though he is my children’s biological Father he has not lost the title of their dad. They no longer respect or even want to see him any more. We as a family have moved on because that is what our heavenly Father wants us to do. I believe that my Father has allowed this trial in our lives to cause us to draw closer to Him and see Him as our heavenly Father. He could at any time stopped what has happened but he allowed it for his ultimate glory. He could have allowed my ex to be arrested earlier but He did not. He allowed it in His perfect timing and not mine. My desire is to be in submission to His will in my life and not in opposition to it. My desire is to rest in His will, be quiet before Him and conform my will to His will.
I have struggled with all my loss but then I had to stop. Who am I? Who are we? We are children of God. We are children of the King of King and Lord of Lords!!! My family loves Christian music and there is song by a group called “Casting Crowns” called “Thrive”. The chorus goes “Just to know you and to make You known, we lift You name on high, Shine like the sun, make darkness run and hide. We know that we were made for so much more than ordinary lives, its time for us to more than just survive, we were made to thrive”
Clara, you are your family and our family continually need to take our focus off ourselves and put it on the Lord. We are on this world to glorify Him and make his name known. What Satan wants is for us to focus on ourselves and the ugly sin and trials and pain that was brought in our lives BUT we have to stop that.
I feel better, my children feel better, you and your family will feel better if you daily search for ways to love and help others. But we cannot do that if we are focused on ourselves and not the Lord. I have begun a study on the book of John and it is so beautiful to focus on our Savior and all that he has done for us and to remember all the “I am’s” that our Savior is. Like, I am the Light of the World or I am the Good Shepherd. He is sufficient for our lives right now.
My humble suggestion is for you and your family to find another family that is in need and love and minister to them on Father’s Day. Find a family that has lost their father to cancer or another single parent family. Use a day that would be filled with pain and replace it with a servants loving heart like our Savior continually did. I do not know if this will help but it is worth a try. Also, may I suggest you listen to an excellent sermon by a Pastor named Don Green called “In the Midst of the Storm”. see link below. I have listened to this many times and his words have been an encouragement to me.
Praying for you,
Carol
http://www.truthcommunitychurch.org/site/file.asp?sec_id=180010876&file_id=180121145&table=file_downloads
Thank you, Carol. And, every one of my children do more than their fair share of focusing and helping others. That does not erase their own pain, however. In time, I’m certain their pain will grow less. Right now everything is still very raw.
Again, thank you for your comment. And, I will listen to the sermon. I know it will help.
Hello Clara,
Thanks for replying to me comment. I hope that you did not think that I thought your family does not help or focus on others….I was more saying to continually do this to help you and your family keep a proper perspective on your trial. Me and my 3 children also have many raw emotions and pain since our incident also happened 2 years ago. Unfortunately our “Father” is out of jail and can send cards, emails, texts and gifts to try to manipulate our emotions as we go through Divorce and Child custody/support issues. That is all it takes….just one letter and the pain and wounds are open again. But because we are believers in the Lord only He as the Healer can heal our broken hearts and pain. And what Barbara said was totally true….John was not a good Father and never was a good Father. Just one that lived two lives. A Hypocrite!!! You are the one who raised and molded your children to be who they are today not him. And the same goes with me. I hope that will continually be an encouragement to you as you continually and daily heal from what happened to your family. Thanks again, Carol