Two years. It’s been two years now since the father of my children was sentenced to prison for the rest of his earthly life. He was sentenced just a couple of days before Father’s Day. And I’m left without words. What does a mother say to her children under circumstances like this? “Soon you’ll all feel better.” “Life will be back to normal before you know it.” “Just pretend everything’s okay.” Those words don’t fit — not at all!
What should I say? How do I help ease the pain that is stirring within the hearts of my children right now? They loved their dad so much! I’m sure beneath the surface of crushing pain, there is still love. He’s their father, but for now he’s their father who has been convicted of some of the worst offenses known to mankind. How do any of us balance loving a person with all of your heart when knowing that this person has committed actions that have caused terror, pain, fear, and mental anguish to so many? How do you love and respect a father who has harmed so many children?
Everywhere one turns there are reminders that Father’s Day is approaching. The stores are full of loving cards for fathers. Sermons will be preached on the blessing of godly fathers. Facebook will be full of letters and special quotes and sayings to fathers who are sorely missed and loved. Pictures will be posted of fathers. Family pictures will be taken with fathers. There will be weekend fishing trips with dads. Gifts bought. Restaurants will be filled to capacity with children and their fathers.
What do I suggest to my children to do on this Father’s Day? What do others in similar situations do? I have yet to find any kind of guide book. I can’t find any books or articles called “Ways for Children to Survive Father’s Day When Dad is a Child Molester.” I’ve looked on prison websites. I’ve searched high and low for help. If there’s something out there, I’d like to know so that I can help my children and others who are living this daily nightmare to know how to get through Father’s Day.
I haven’t slept well for several nights knowing Father’s Day is approaching. We always made a big celebration out of this special day. When the kids were young, I baked John a cake, cooked a special meal for him, and the kids showered him with hugs, cheers, and handmade cards and gifts.
When they got older, they took him out every Father’s Day morning to breakfast and enjoyed their special time with him. Such pride! Always, pride and respect for their father.
He was a great dad. He was also a child molester. How do you balance the two?
The answer is — I don’t know. I really don’t know. I wish I was wiser. I wish I would get hit with some lightening bolt of inspiration. I wish I could say, “This is how to do it. This is what you should do.” But, the truth is — I don’t know what to do that could possibly help my children.
And, so we will face this day with courage together. I will never be their father. I can’t be. But, I can be there for them on this Father’s Day — to talk to them if they feel like it. Or to listen to their silence if that’s what they prefer. But, I will be there. Standing off to the side, my heart aching, my lips praying, tears falling.
When someone tries to justify or feel pity in any way for what pedophiles do, I want you to remember the impact their actions have on so many people. Pedophiles bring pain into the lives of the children they have molested. They bring pain into the lives of their families who have innocently been pulled into this nightmare. They have brought pain into the lives of their community, their churches, and to all who knew and trusted them.
Please read this — a hundred times over if you have to. Pedophiles harm children. Pedophiles harm adults. Pedophiles bring pain and suffering into the lives of all they know. And, the pain often lasts a lifetime!
It’s time — it is time to do everything we can to put an end to this type of ongoing tragedy. It’s time we find ways to give help and encouragement to those who have fallen into the entrapment of pedophiles. It’s time to speak up and speak out!
God bless all children who have been impacted in some way by the actions of a pedophile this Father’s Day. Many hearts reach out to you in love.
One day it will get better. It has to!
Love,
Clara
Two years ago my mother “disinvited” me to the Mother’s Day brunch I had prepared, and was planning to bring to their house. I still can’t figure out why. She did it by email. I have pictures of the gorgeous arrangement featuring pink and white peonies, set off by ferns and other flowers, that I had made for her. I kept it for myself. After all, I’m a mother. Since then, I’ve scarcely given her anything, maybe an e-card, and spent the day celebrating the mother I would have had, if I had had my say in matters! But I didn’t, so after 58 years I finally figured out that rather than spend the day in fake adulation of someone whom I neither love nor trust, I would give a nod to her for giving me life (even though she abused me in the womb by taking drugs and smoking 3 packs a day so as not to gain weight and ruin her figure. I ended up being born early, and spending a month in an incubator), and then go off to spend time with my “Real Mother.” I am not a Christian, but if I was, I would get to know the two Marys. Actually, I do relate to them very much, and meditate on their kindness and bravery. So after a bit of a ramble here, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I wonder if your kids would be receptive to having a “what-if” session, and imagine what traits they would want to have in a father, and then have a celebration for the father they REALLY wanted? Just a thought.
Laura, Thank you for your beautiful thoughts. I really appreciate all of the insights in your comments. You sound like a very special person.
You said, “How do any of us balance loving a person with all of your heart when knowing that this person has committed actions that have caused terror, pain, fear, and mental anguish to so many? How do you love and respect a father who has harmed so many children?”
The only answer is knowing that God knows. How could He love the children who were torturing His Son? He has the answers for you and your family! Trust Him!
Please read this — a hundred times over if you have to. Pedophiles harm children. Pedophiles harm adults. Pedophiles bring pain and suffering into the lives of all they know. And, the pain often lasts a lifetime!
You can’t take away your children’s pain. There is nothing you can say that will take away the hurt. All you can do is love them.
While growing up under the roof of a pedophile, I hated father’s day. I detested my stepfather and my father for having left us. If he hadn’t left, things would have been different. Or, that was my thought. I know now that he was a drinker and womanizer, but how could that have possibly been worse than the abuse and torment that was our fate from his leaving?
The only way that I get through father’s day is to remember my Heavenly Father and realize that he would not ever have left me or done any of the other things that were done to me.
Pedophiles leave a long lasting legacy that keeps abusing over and over again.
Brenda, That’s the part that a lot of people don’t get — the abusing that continues going on. There are so many ways that victims get re-victimized by the predator. And, the sad part is that often the one being abused is made to feel guilty over and over again.
I love God with all of my heart, but sometimes it’s good to have earthly people who come into your life to display our Heavenly Father’s love. That’s what I’m praying for my children this Father’s Day.
I will pray for that along with you, Clara. A hug can go a long way.
Brenda, Thank you so very, very much!!!
You tell them that their Heavenly Father does love them, no matter their biological father has done. You honor the office of father whether the man is worthy or not. There are millions of Americans who hate Father’s Day
My father is a drunk.
My father hits my mother.
My father is a deadbeat.
My father is a thief.
My father is a drug addict.
My father killed someone.
My father walked out when I was a baby.
My father hits me and it is no spanking.
My father my father my father. You know that every one of these are true for a lot of hurting people. It is not trite. It is the only way to get rid of the pain. I am a new Christian. I used to HATE God. Why did he give me cerebral palsy
. Why did he let me be molested? The other side of it is why did He save me? I was an angry, bitter, frustrated complaining man. He saved me so I would have a heart to do the things he gave me to do. I’m no prophet, but I think this letter is something I am supposed to write, for your benefit and healing. I live in Idaho. I have no reason to lie to you. I know it sounds trite, but your Heavenly Father is the only place you will find peace. You wanted a book suggestion. Surprised by Suffering by R.C. Sproul.
Blessings
Robert Seward
Moscow, ID
Robert, Thank you so much for the book suggestion. I will make certain I read it!!! I’m including the link in case others are interested. http://www.amazon.com/Surprised-Suffering-Role-Death-Christian/dp/1567691846/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1402605588&sr=1-1&keywords=surprised+by+suffering+rc+sproul
Dear God, Claire… there’s nothing to add. Thank you for doing all this. Thank you so much.
My own (biological, I even call him sperm-donor) father was a child molester of two of my daughters. The church he was in hated me over a decade ago when I turned him in. Hang on and know that God, himself, is with you. Really with you, like step-by-step. Other Christians when they support you are a godsend. Other Christians when they hate you show just how much God has changed His real followers compared to the tares.
Thank you so very much for your comment. I cannot tell you how much this means, and I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. And, for the pain your daughters endured — I have no words except I pray to God that they will receive wholeness and healing!