Thanks so much for continuing to read this unfolding story of what it was like to unknowingly be married to a pedophile for almost forty years.  As I’m digging back through the journals of my mind, I can’t help but think about all of the red flags, the questions, and the strange things that went on in our marriage.  But, still — I remind myself that at the time those things meant nothing because I wasn’t equipped with the knowledge to know how to pick up on any of the waving flags in front of me.

And, that’s why we have this blog — to make sure that you are educated so that you can be aware of the way pedophiles work and ultimately so that you can protect the children — all children!  Every child deserves to grow up in a world without fear of molestation!

If you are new to this blog, I’d suggest you begin at the very beginning.  This is quick reading and it won’t take you long to catch up.

Last week we left off with New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.  Moving forward, our baby’s due date was January 23.  As things happened, I had a clinic appointment on Friday, January 22 at 11:00 in the morning.  The physician that saw me said I wasn’t ready to deliver this baby and he estimated another two weeks, so John and I went back to our apartment on that sunny, brisk day in Oklahoma City and he announced that he was going to drive to the college (Oklahoma Christian College) to stop by and see some friends and to wash the car.

I’m not a whiny type of person, but being as pregnant as one can get and a bit afraid I begged him to stay home or let me go with him to wash the car.  The college was twenty miles away, and that was back in the day before cell phones.  Once a person was on the highway, that was it.  No way of tracking them down.

“You’ll be just fine.  You don’t need me here with you.  I’m going to run out to the college, wash the car, and I’ll be back before you know it.  Why don’t you take a nap?”

A nap sounded like a good idea to me.  I really wasn’t feeling well at all.  In fact, I didn’t eat a bite for lunch.  I told John my back hurt so bad it felt like it was killing me.  Back in the day, doctors didn’t talk openly about childbirth, and there was no internet access to search for information, so you were left sitting in the dark about a lot of things.  And, I’ll be quite honest, I wasn’t really sure what was happening to my body.  I had heard some pretty scary stories of women screaming in pain while having a baby, but other than that, I knew nothing.  Isn’t that sad?  I’m so glad we live in an age where information is available to us!

As John walked towards the steps to leave, I begged him to stay with me.  I kept telling him I didn’t feel well, but he kept telling me he’d be back before I knew it.  And, off he went.  I watched from the kitchen window as he pulled out of the driveway of the apartment, and then I laid down to try to rest.

Note:  Do you remember in a previous post where John said I looked ugly when I was pregnant?  That thought kept coming back to me.  “I’m fat.  I’m ugly.  I’m not even me any more.”  And, the tears started.  I’m sure they were pregnancy-related tears, but none-the-less, I felt alone and miserable.  I felt like an old house that had fallen apart and been wrecked and left desolate.  It was a miserable feeling laying on that lumpy cot of a thing called a bed!

Then something happened…………something horrible.  I felt the most uncomfortable squeezing pain I had ever felt in my life!  I tried every which way to feel better, but nothing worked!  “Oh, gosh!  I wish John was here!  Why did he have to go twenty miles away to wash the car today? Why did the car even need to be washed?”

I tried walking and couldn’t.  The pain was horrible.  I know you’re going to think this is crazy, but I got on all fours to try to relieve some of the pressure off of my back.  It hurt so bad I can’t even tell you.  I crawled to the phone, and called the college.  I thought maybe someone could track down John for me, but that was a joke.  No such thing was going to happen.

One hour….two hours….three hours…..by now I was hysterical with fear.  Where was John?  He knew I wasn’t feeling well when he left!  Oh, here we go again!  Alone!!!

It wasn’t until 5:30 that evening that John finally came strolling upstairs to find me crying and so afraid that this baby was ready to be born!  My brain was in such a fog that I couldn’t think straight.  All I knew was I was in major, continuous pain and I was never so glad to see John than I was at that moment!

“Where were you? What took almost five hours to stop in at the school and wash the car?”  He looked at me with the most puzzled look — like I was crazy.  It was a look as if to say, “Why would you ever question ME? What’s wrong with YOU?  I don’t really owe you any explanation.” Throughout the years I learned to know that look quite well.

And, then John did something that still blows me away! He said he was hungry and was going to fix himself some supper.  He was hungry?!?  We were about to have a miracle — a baby — and he had been gone for close to five hours leaving me alone in labor and he was hungry?

John very slowly, carefully, and happily fixed himself one of the largest hamburgers I’ve ever seen in my life.  I can still see him sitting at our old table in the kitchen shoving in that burger — barbecue sauce dripping down his face as he ate in silence.  I was retching in pain by now, and he seemed oblivious to it all.

Alert:  Pedophiles think about themselves first — always themselves first!  Please remember that.  You will not change their thinking! 

I was in so much pain at this point that I felt faint.  I kept asking him to get me to the hospital, and he said he would as soon as he was finished eating.  Talk about control! Talk about selfishness!

Finally, at 8:00 p.m. we headed out to Oklahoma University Hospital.  I was in so much pain that I thought I’d die along the way.  John never seemed to bat an eye.  His mind was elsewhere.

I won’t go into the details here, but after a long, hard, difficult night of labor, a doctor finally told me that they were going to give me a spinal and the baby would be a forceps delivery.  This meant nothing to me — I had never heard the word “forceps” before.  But, I knew one thing — if it meant ending the horrible, crushing back pain, I was all for it!

At 4:30 a.m., on Saturday, January 23 (right on the due date), our perfect little daughter entered this world!  I cannot even begin to put into words what I felt!  Honestly, I know that this little girl was a miracle!  She was gorgeous — all 8 lbs. 7 oz. of her!  I counted her little fingers and toes over and over again in complete awe!

John was never a man of many words and the same was true now at our baby’s birth.  He didn’t kiss me.  He didn’t say, “I love you.”  Not once. He was happy, though.  I could tell.  For the first time in a long time, I could see that he was genuinely happy and proud to have this baby come join our lives.  I felt like this was a new beginning for us — a wonderful addition to “us” that would maybe change things for the better.

Note:  Don’t ever think that adding a baby to your family will make things better.  If your relationship isn’t good prior to a baby, it will not be better after a baby.  Babies require our time, our devotion, and our attention.  They require our energy, our money, and our every resource.

I’ll be honest with you.  I was so happy holding this baby that at times I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  She was gorgeous.  And, she needed me.  Finally, somebody needed me and wanted to be with me.  She didn’t judge me.  She didn’t reject me.  She loved me unconditionally.  She was mine and I was hers, and I was happy!

So, what are the “red flags” here, you might be asking.  It’s all about control.  Living as a pedophile and a practicing child molester is all about control! 

From the words of a pedophile in the book, “Conversations With a Pedophile”, Alan explains, “Manipulating was a way of life for me.  It’s not the physical but the mental and emotional devastation that ultimately causes the greatest thrill for me. Normally it wasn’t too long before my current victim was ‘begging’ me.  I enjoyed the begging…enjoyed what I was doing.”

Please read those words over and over again until they really sink in!  I believe John left me alone while in labor because he enjoyed seeing me beg him to stay.  I believe he enjoyed seeing me crawling in pain begging him to get me relief by taking  me to the hospital.  He was in charge!  I believe he enjoyed taking his time eating while I was in labor begging him to get me help.  He was the one calling the shots, and he enjoyed it!

Next week, we will uncover more of what goes on inside of a pedophile’s mind.  Remember the pedophile is your neighbor.  He’s your minister.  He’s your teacher.  He’s your policeman.  He’s your gardener.  He’s your friend.  Yes, he could even be your husband! Pay attention to those inner nudgings — those red flags that something isn’t quite right!  Those feelings usually hold true!  If it doesn’t seem right, it usually isn’t!

Thanks for hanging in here with me as we learn more about the inner makings of a pedophile.  For the protection of our children, we must be armed with good, solid information that will help us identify these predators and stop them in their tracks!

Thanks so much for your comments, your input, and the connection we are making.  Together I believe we can make a difference.  Together — for the sake of the children we must make a difference!

Love,

Clara