Married to a Pedophile: “A Note from my Heart of the Eve of my Anniversary”

This blog is used to educate others on how to profile a pedophile.  This blog is used to help others understand how cunning pedophiles are.  This blog is used to teach prevention of child sexual abuse.

This blog is written by me — a woman who prayed very sincere prayers asking God to lead me to a Christian husband.

I am here to tell you that God did not answer my prayers — not as I asked.  Instead of leading me to a godly man of faith and strength, I was led to a man who posed as a Christian.

The man I married, unknown to me, was a practicing pedophile from the age of 14, and he, by his own admission and evidence presented in a court of law, molested children until the time of his arrest at the age of 62.  We were married almost 40 years.  Tomorrow, April 18, would have been my 45th wedding anniversary.  John and I had often talked about how life would be when the kids were grown.  We were going to build a smaller home at the top of our field overlooking the homestead.  We would spend our winters away at the beach, and the rest of the time we’d spend traveling visiting grandchildren and enjoying the many wonders of the world.

We spent many, many hours together talking about what life would be like during this season of our lives.

Life doesn’t always turn out as planned, though.  Sadly, our marriage crumbled, we separated and finally divorced after almost forty years together.

And, then the unthinkable happened!

As John wrote to me in a letter from prison, “I never wanted my darker side to be exposed to you.”  He was referencing his secret life as a child molester.

I’m here to tell you on the eve of what would have been my 45th wedding anniversary that even though my prayers were not answered as I wanted them to be, I still honor God.  I’ve had my fair share of screaming at God and asking him “why”, but at the end of the day I know that this is the life I have and it’s up to me to make the most of it.

Last week, a child sex abuse workshop was held and it was powerful.  I was honored to be a very small part of that workshop that my son Jimmy and some of his co-workers planned.  It was powerful.  People were educated about how pedophiles are able to work their way into our lives.  We heard from law enforcement.  We heard from teachers of God’s word.  We heard from Jimmy, the son of a pedophile.  We heard from the father of children who were molested by John.  We heard from those who work within our prison system with sex offenders.

And, we heard just a small part of my story.

Parents are being educated!  Children who have been sexually abused are being empowered!  We’re teaching others how to prevent child sexual abuse from happening!  We’re learning how to keep our children safe!

This is happening because God chose me to marry a pedophile.

No, my prayers for a wonderful, loving Christian husband did not get answered.  My children do not have the father I prayed they would have. And, there are moments — many moments — when my heart feels broken over this.

But, because of my marriage 45 years ago tomorrow, many children are being kept safe tonight when they lay their heads down to sleep.

And, I can finally say, “Thank you, God” with sincerity and without clenched fists.

Clara Rose

If you are suffering from abuse right now — whether it is from mental abuse, child sexual abuse, or the aftermath of physical, mental, or sexual abuse, I would ask you to read this blog from the beginning. Allow the words to penetrate your heart.

Allow yourself to become empowered one word at a time!

You are a gift. Your life is precious and has meaning and value. Whatever pain and hell you are suffering through right now will not last forever. Please, I ask you, to hold onto hope!

Next week, we will pick up with our regular format, and I will continue telling my story.

For today, I thank all who have sent me words of encouragement on what would have been my 45th wedding anniversary. I’m here to tell you, “It’s okay. It really is okay. I’m okay. In fact, I’m more than okay. I’m finally beginning to see purpose in my life again, and you will, too!”

PS If you sent me an email requesting a DVD of the last week’s workshop, you will be notified soon. Work is being done on editing. If you want to contact me, you can email me at:

21 thoughts on “Married to a Pedophile: “A Note from my Heart of the Eve of my Anniversary”

  1. Hi Clara,
    I was brought to your blog by somebody (Brenda) who mentioned it over at the Spiritual Sounding Board blog. As the epidemic of child sexual abuse sweeps the conservative evangelical church, we are all being confronted with this. And most churches mishandle it, heaping further abuse on victims and their families.

    I am grateful for your family’s honesty and candor in dealing with a pedophile in your own family. That took guts. I am grateful that you didn’t defend him the way so many people do, adding on sickening levels of denials and stories.

    I was ordered by my pastors/elders to be excommunicated and shunned from my (authoritarian) NeoCal church in California last year. I had discovered, by accident while doing a research project, that a new church member was a Megan’s List sex offender. The pastors/elders gave him church membership, a position of leadership and trust, let him have access to all church activities (including those with children) and invited him to volunteer at the 5-day children’s sports camp. They said he was *harmless*. They said he was an old friend. That he had *repented* and was *all better*. I watched him manipulate my entire Bible study when no one else knew his criminal history there but me. The pastors/elders said it was my *job* to confront him.

    It was their job to protect all of us. When I stood my ground, they tossed me out. They even read me a Scripture at the end of our meeting about how I was destined for Hell. And this was a meeting about protecting our children!

    No wonder there is an epidemic.

    Bless you all. You are a balm to my soul.

    • Velour,
      Reading this makes me so upset because I know just how smart these pedophiles are. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, churches are a pedophile’s playground. They can play the repent role so good, they are believable, they are trusted, and we are the ones so often condemned for not “forgiving and accepting” when we can see full well what is happening. So many people have blinders on and *refuse* to see the truth.

      I’m so very glad you’ve been directed to this blog. It is my hope and my prayer that the words written here will help you. I’m so very sorry for the way you’ve been mistreated by the church. 🙁

  2. Dear Clara,

    I too prayed for and always wanted a Christian husband. The man I choose
    appeared to be one. He lead bible studies and people loved him.
    He was not what he appeared to be.

    I struggled with God over this. Did He ignore my prayers? Did He
    think I was strong enough to handle a man with a secret life?
    Did God really love me? Were my prayers a joke? Here is what
    I now know. God did show you and I all the warning signs that our men were not who they appeared to be. We choose to stay on the hook anyway.

    When I read your ” start here” page, you say right in there that you ignored
    the warning signs. So, did I. We serve a God that does answer our prayers, and He will turn what was meant for evil, to good. Our choice, was not meant as an answer to prayer, but His mercy will turn and use our mistakes for good.

    What can God do with our choices? He can lead us to the promised land, yet he can not make us walk in it.

    In my situation, I can clearly see how God, answered my prayers within the evil of the situation that I kept a blind eye too. He continually brought me to
    a place of clarity, yet, after that moment, I would not .. Step out in faith and leave, or stand up, or trust Him. My fear of being … alone, a failure, not good enough, couldn’t support my kids, what would the church think, what would my family think, .. (the list goes on and on about the excuses I made not to act, when God brought me to a place to put my faith in Him and no one else,) kept me in that marriage and kept the abuse going on.

    I want women to know, that God does answer our prayers. But, often … Often what happens is we don’t walk away, or turn from what is in front of us … when God reveals the warning signs. We ignore, we ignore, we ignore His still quite voice….. We do not exercise our faith and trust in Him. We mistake what is before us, as from God, because we can’t seem to say one word …. No!

    No … No more, … no, this is not good for me, …… No, I don’t care what others think cause this is wrong …… No, this makes no sense …… No more, how will I support my kids? …… No more, what will the church say ….. No more, will anyone ever love me if I let go of this situation in front of me? etc etc etc….

    The day we listen … Is the day we step out in trust and faith in God, not our own understanding or our own self peservation …. But in God to carry us and heal us, and bring us our hearts pure desires….. It is the day that we truly know we are in His hands … When we let go of our own logic and desires and choose to see what He is revealing to us .

    • Barbara, Thank you so much for this explanation as to what often happens to us when we think God has not answered our prayers. I’m finding out more and more that God truly does have a plan for each of our lives, He does answer prayers, and……He will help us turn our not-so-good decisions into something powerful and beautiful WHEN we listen to His calling for our lives.

  3. Clara, I also remember your wedding day. You have been a strong and loving woman. You have been truly bless with wonderful children and Grandchildren. God will continue to love you and keep you strong!

    • Hi, Sandy! How wonderful to hear from you!!! I most definitely remember you being at my wedding! Thank you so much for your continued love and friendship.

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