Before I even begin to write to you today, I want to say thank you from the depths of my heart for all of the prayers, kind thoughts, and condolences sent to me following the sudden, unexpected death of my son. You have no idea what your expressions of love have meant to me.

Finding out my husband of almost forty years was a practicing pedophile caused literal pain to my heart — the kind of pain that hurts with every breath you take.  But, that pain has been nothing when compared to the pain of losing a child.  I can’t explain it — I can only say that all other pain I’ve had in my life so far pales in comparison to the dailypain I am living with now.

Although nobody came straight out an asked me, many of you hinted that you were wondering what happened to John — the father in prison — when Mike died.  Did John get to come to the funeral?  Who told him that his son had died?  What impact did his son’s death have on him?

To be honest with you, I thought that this heartbreak would be the end of John.  I really and truly did.  I imagined him lying in his prison cell in a fetal position following the chaplain coming to tell him of his son’s death and being unable to eat, sit up, walk, or participate in any kind of life.

I thought this news would be the death of John.

John was not permitted to leave the prison to go to his son’s funeral.  There are prison rules set into place for very good reasons.  And, in all honesty, none of the family wanted him to be around.  That might sound harsh, but it is not.  And, I will explain in a few brief, very blunt words why John must remain in prison in a coming blog.

First, let me say that John is not curled up in a fetal position dying.  He is still very much himself — feeling very sorry for himself that he got such a raw deal in life according to his thinking.  He continues to write letters to others in an attempt to muster up some pity for himself.  He can’t believe that other pedophiles are loose and he’s the one that got caught.

I have chosen not to correspond with John in any way.  Once I heard him in the courtroom on the day of his sentencing, I knew that would be my last time seeing John or conversing with him ever again.  I will share that day with you in a separate blog post.  I believe it was that courtroom scene that truly opened my eyes as to how different a pedophile’s thinking is from a rational human being’s thinking.

Now, I know that my choice of words may cause a stir, and I certainly know that I will get emails from Pastors and church leaders reprimanding me for taking such a harsh stand, but I will continue to choose not to have any kind of correspondence on my part with John.

Why?  Because I have chosen not to allow him to manipulate my mind and my emotions ever again!

A week following the death of my son I received a card from John.  With trembling hands and a racing heart I opened the card.  Before I read it, I said a prayer asking God to give me the strength to get through.  My emotions were raw.  My heart was broken.  I felt I didn’t have the strength to get through the next hour because of bearing such a loss.

How would I also deal with hearing the agony of a father — my son’s father — grief-stricken over the loss of his first-born son?

I opened the card slowly with tears streaming down my face blurring my vision.  What I saw not only broke my already broken heart a bit more, but it also enlightened me.  It angered me.  It violated me in ways I can’t even find the words to explain.  It dishonored my son and his life and left me feeling as though Satan had thrown another arrow straight to the heart and into the heart of my son who had died.

The very brief note was cool and detached.  Very little emotion at all.  It was as though I was reading a little hand-scratched note about the death of a pet fish.  I still get sick thinking about it.

“I was sorry to hear about Mike.  I’m sure this is very hard on you.  I will continue to pray for you every day as I always do.  Regards, John”

My soul wept. 

Our son — our child — our flesh and blood — had died and there was such a cold detachment that I almost could not believe it.

After crying for hours, I put the card away and did some deep soul-searching.  Why?  Why was John so unemotional?  Why did the death of his son not profoundly and acutely impact him?  Why did he not say something like, “I’m dying inside.  I have been crying day and night begging forgiveness for the sins I’ve committed that placed me in prison.  I should have been home with you and the rest of the family helping you, giving you a strong shoulder to lean on, and encouraging the other children.  I should have been there with all of you.  Oh, how much my heart breaks that I didn’t get to say good-bye to Mike.  I will carry this sorrow deep within my heart for all the remaining days of my life.”

Instead, he wrote a letter to one of his sons saying he couldn’t believe that he didn’t get more support from the rest of the family.  Yes, that’s right.  It’s always been right.  The acts of a pedophile are, as the judge said to John on the day of sentencing, “it’s all about me, me, me.  You have no thought at all for others.”

And, I believe my eyes have finally been fully opened. 

Pedophiles can commit heinous acts on children and not feel deep remorse and ongoing sorrow because they do not have the ability to see or feel selfless love for others.  All that matters is themselves. 

Ana Salter talks about that in her book. And, it makes so much sense now — more sense than ever!  Pedophiles can molest children and not have feelings of guilt or remorse.  In their eyes, they have done nothing wrong.

It makes total sense…….it really does. It makes total horrible sense.

A pedophile’s heart is cold and calculating thinking of only one thing — self-gratification.

Many of you have written me telling me of your circumstances with pedophiles.  So many times you’ve been hesitant to report a pedophile’s crimes because the pedophile comes off as such a good, kind, person.

Remember this:  There is nothing good or kind about the actions of a pedophile.  There is nothing good or kind about molesting a child.  There is nothing that happened by mistake.  Every action was well thought out, well planned, and was done on purpose.

Our job is to protect all children — ALL CHILDREN — and to provide a safe place of trust for them.  Please check out ChurchProtect to find out more!  And, while you’re at it, why not order a t-shirt?  All proceeds will go towards helping to keep our children safe!

Until we meet again, I continue to ask for your continued thoughts and prayers as this mama’s heart continues to grieve the loss of my son.  He was a fine man, and we miss him so!

Love,

Clara

PS  Mike is the one standing on the far left in this picture.