Do you want to know how a wife of a pedophile feels? Some days sad. Some days very confused. Some days weak in faith. Some days in constant torment and pain. Some days full of questions that are begging for answers. And, some days………. mad as hell! The mad as hell feeling doesn’t come often, but when it does I really feel it to the inner core of my being. The story I’m going to share with you today is one that really gets my dander up. Why? Because I fell for one of the biggest lies ever from John and it angers me when I think of how much he must have laughed over it!
If you are new to this blog, in order to get the full story of what it was like being married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years without knowing it, you should start reading here. The blogs are short, but each one is a stepping stone that shows just how manipulative these molesters are!
I remember this particular event so well. In fact, I saved the emails that were passed around the family during this traumatic time, and I just came across them the other day. Reading them took me to my knees. It’s so hard to read about this stuff now that I can fit the pieces of this pedophilic puzzle together!
I had gone grocery shopping on Saturday and John was watching the kids. When I came home, the house was eerily quiet. I knew something wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t know what had happened. I asked John and the kids what was going on, and they said everything was fine.
It wasn’t fine. Not at all, but I wouldn’t find out for another few days what had happened.
About Wednesday of the following week, I received an email from one of my sons who was in college. “Dear Mom, I’m not sure how to word this, but I know you’ll figure out how to talk to dad about this. I’m sure it’s nothing, but just in case there’s more to it, I thought you should know.”
The email went on to explain what had happened that Saturday when I was grocery shopping. One of my daughters had gone bouncing into my office upstairs (which was always open to everyone) thinking she could get onto my computer to do some homework. Instead, she stood frozen by what she saw!
Sitting at my computer was John. That in and of itself was a shock as he was always downstairs in his locked office where he kept his computer. She was startled at finding him there. What startled her more was what she saw!!!!
On the computer screen was some of the worst adult porn (as described to me in the email) that could be viewed. Raw, obscene, disgusting, horrific scenes and my fifteen year old daughter walked in on her dad, the preacher, viewing this.
He began fumbling to try to X out of it, but the screen was frozen, so what did he do? He turned to her and calmly asked her to delete the porn for him. He said he was working on his Sunday sermon and the porn just popped up on the computer screen and he didn’t know what to do! He was caught! Red-handed! He was caught in a horrible lie!
Needless to say, a young girl would be shocked to see her dad viewing such stuff and it worried her so much that she emailed her older brother. He took several days to think about it then emailed me.
He said, “Talk to dad about it. Mom, don’t get upset. Most men look at stuff like this sometime in their life, so maybe dad just got curious. I’m sure he has an explanation.”
I read the email probably fifty times not knowing what to do. First, I thought I’d better talk to my daughter. When I asked her what happened, she burst into tears. She said, “Mom, it was horrible. The pictures I saw where awful. Everybody was naked. There was blood. There were things I didn’t know about. And, dad just sat there and asked me to get it off of the computer because the computer was frozen. It was sickening, Mom!”
She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed!
As I held her I kept thinking of John telling me that he used to spend his summers looking at porn when he was young. So, I knew he had already been exposed to this. But now? Not now. He wouldn’t do that! But, my mind kept wondering. He was really strange in bed with me. He never, ever used foul language — not even in a teasing way. But, it seemed as though he had lost interest in intimacy. In fact, more often than not, he would turn his back on me and just say, “I’m tired. Let’s just go to sleep.” And, he had no problem going for weeks like that. And, when he did demand intimacy, he did some really strange things. Things that made me feel less than like a lady — less than like a woman sharing a close, warm moment with the man she loved.
I was worried. Maybe there was another woman. Maybe he had lost interest in me as his wife. Maybe…..a million different thoughts raced through my mind.
That night, I mustered up the courage to bring up the topic. I was breathing erratically — so nervous. How do you approach this subject? It was awkward and embarrassing, to say the least.
“John, can I talk to you? Do you remember last Saturday when I was shopping? Did anything out of the ordinary happen while I was gone?”
He was watching TV and never even turned his head to look at me. I hated that! He never looked me straight in the eye! “Oh, you mean the mix-up on my computer? Did she tell you about that? I guess I should have mentioned it. I’m studying for a series I’m going to preach on porn addiction, so I thought what better way to find out what’s out there than to get on the computer and see for myself. So, I typed in a few words and there it was!”
“What do you mean you were studying for a sermon? You need to look at hard-core porn to study for a sermon?”
“Sure. Haven’t you read what Dr. Dobson has to say on the subject? That’s where I got the idea from. He said if you haven’t seen it, you can’t preach about it. You have to view the porn to get into the mind of the guys who get hooked on it. So, I have to look at some of this stuff if I want my sermon series to be effective.”
Do you want to know what’s weird? I believed this lie one hundred per cent! In fact, I apologized for ever questioning John. I said I’d talk to our daughter and reassure her that he was just prepping for a sermon. And, I never brought up the subject again!
How many red flags and lies can you see in this one story? I’ve thought a million times over why John used MY computer upstairs to do his dirty work. He never used my computer — he had his own private, locked office with his own computer. I think this was another one of his tests. How much would I believe? How dedicated to him were his children. Who would we tell about this? Would we make a big deal? Or would we believe his lies once again?
Shock. Lies. Denial. More lies. Control. Making a person question themselves. Making a person feel bad for ever questioning his motives.
I actually ended up apologizing to John over and over for being so stupid as to question him about this. I said, “I should have known better. I know you had a good reason for looking at that stuff. I don’t know why I ever questioned you.”
He smiled. Pure satisfaction.
So, I did what any brainwashed, dedicated wife would do. I sent out a family email to the older kids telling them that I talked to dad and everything was fine. I explained that he was researching for a sermon series and that it was unfortunate their sister had walked into my office at that moment. But, all was well and there was no need to worry.
I never brought the subject up again. Not ever. And, neither did the kids.
However, I find it interesting that I saved those emails from over fifteen years ago! In fact, I printed them off and kept them in my personal files. Deep inside of me I knew something was very wrong. I felt it. I had caught John in other lies but never made a big deal about it. My gut was telling me something was very wrong, but I just couldn’t put the pieces together!
Why didn’t I search on his computer? Keep in mind I never had access to his computer. His office was locked at all times and he held the only key to it. I also found out much later that he was very computer savvy. He knew how to hack into emails. He knew his way around a computer very effectively. He was no dummy! Still, I never questioned him. I was so intent on being a “good Christian wife” that I thought it would be wrong of me to do anything except completely believe him. He was a godly man, a godly father, and it was my duty to respect him at all times. And, I did!
Beware! Pedophiles are liars! Pedophiles are very involved in porn! Pedophiles test people. Pedophiles make sure they have won your complete trust. Pedophiles practice molesting over and over in their minds before they actually touch a child. They plan every detail. They make lists. They think of every possible scenario before making their move. They target who they will molest. They work methodically and precisely! Please get a copy of Conversations With a Pedophile. This book is a hard read, but it’s incredibly helpful! Learn about how a pedophile works from the very mouth of a man who was a practicing pedophile for years and is serving a life sentence in prison just like John!
I was trying so hard to be the Christian wife and mother — so worried about being completely trusting and all-forgiving, that I gave John the benefit of the doubt in all areas of life. And, I was teaching our kids to do the same. “Never question dad.” I was truly the perfect mate for a practicing pedophile. He pushed me aside time and time again while he was carrying out his manipulative, controlling plans in order to fulfill his evil, selfish lustful desire of children. How do I know? Because when he was arrested, the evidence was all there. And, by his own admission in court, this was his life for fifty years. Lies. Porn. Control. Child molestation.
Who is the child molester? The child molester can be anyone!
Who will be the next victim? Please don’t let it be your child! Keep your guard up at all times. Be careful who you trust! Look for the signs. Listen to the lies. “A minister has to view hard-core porn in order to teach about it.” Really? I wasn’t thinking! Does this mean that a minister has to molest children in order to teach about it? I was so incapable of thinking for myself that I tremble when I think I might have fallen for that lie, too! This is how victims are — incapable of thinking for themselves. They fall into the trap of believing the lies!
Learn from my life! Listen to me clearly! Watch for a person who is constantly studying people. Beware of the person who is “too good to be true” — always has his life in order, always in control, always helpful way beyond the call of duty, always offering to help babysit and take your children to the park to give you a break. You know what I’m talking about! And, remember — if your instinct tells you something is wrong, it probably is!
Work with me to keep our children safe! Together we can be a voice that is heard! Let’s make it so hard for these manipulative liars to get to our children that they finally walk away and give up!
Love,
Clara
If you are interested in having me speak to your mom’s group about putting plans in place to keep your children safe, please email me at clarahintonspeaker@gmail.com . I want to help!
I hate the way that child molesters have changed the world and made us have to be suspicious of anyone and everyone. The way it makes us scrutinize the grandfather holding his tiny granddaughter or makes us VERY reluctant to hire a guy to work in a daycare for fear his reasons for wanting to work with kids is to get sexual access to them. We have to do it because its necessary but oh, what an awful mess its made. And sadly, it cuts children off from loving adults whose care they really need. My sisters and I are children of divorce, separated from our mother when we went to live with our out of control, alcoholic father. My sister once spontaneously hugged her teacher, feeling drawn to her out of a need for maternal love. The teacher recoiled in horror and fear, saying ” That is not appropriate! You must never do that again”! rebuking her sharply. My little sister was crushed, rejected and humiliated and felt as if the teacher had accused her of doing something DIRTY. In actual fact it was the teacher who was afraid of doing something dirty or rather being perceived as having crossed the boundary of appropriateness. I don’t think a caring teacher, knowing a little girl is desperate for love and has no mother in the home, would have been doing something wrong had she hugged my sister and affirmed her but because of weirdos she couldn’t give much needed care and my sister was deprived of it. How unjust a situation pedophiles have foisted upon us! You’re right, its hard to tell who is one and who isn’t. Some really odd and slightly weird seeming people have pure hearts and would never harm a child and some fine upstanding and seemingly healthy and clean living people are the very devil himself behind closed doors. I realize this is how it is but I wish strongly that it was not so.
It’s worth noting in all this that scientists say that child sex abuse has dropped by about half in the last 30 years (that’s from Finkelhor). That’s still way too much abuse, but the idea that this is an increasing problem just isn’t right. We are just more aware of it. It’s relevant when you’re trying to trade off keeping men away from children completely.
“it was the teacher who was afraid of doing something dirty or rather being perceived as having crossed the boundary of appropriateness.” Those are very, very different. The chances are 99% that the teacher had no fear of doing anything dirty but was very worried about other people’s perceptions.
The teacher could have reacted far better while still making sure not to have touching again, by telling the truth, smiling and in a friendly, compassionate way. But society’s panic on the subject does understandably bring forth a quick reaction.
On the whole I think society would be pretty safe with allowing touching that is done in plain view of other adults. But the rules don’t seem to allow even that.
As far as everything that is in front of our eyes, I am with you all the way. Your husband did terrible things, piled high one on top of the other. The same is true of all the other commenters. And the need to be vigilant is clear.
However, there is a line between vigilance and assuming guilt. A lot of men would like to be a positive part of children’s lives and they are scared. Just by working with kids, a man knows that he is under suspicion of being a molester. But then, suppose a kid likes him and gives him a hug? What if he smiles at a kid in a way that an onlooker doesn’t like? The vigilant are watching, ready to pounce. And in their hearts, much more ready to find him guilty than to appreciate his good work with kids. We’re moving towards a society where men absent themselves from relating innocently and positively to children more and more, and I fear there is a long-term cost. Fathers are wary of being seen to be affectionate with their own children.
Can you actually approach vigilance with an open heart, assuming good intentions until the evidence has really mounted? Assuming a man means well?
Ethan, I see where you’re coming from and I “get it”, but I don’t have a good answer because it’s so darned difficult to tell who has good, pure intentions and who doesn’t. I look at my sons interacting with their children and I know their hugs and interations are that of a father and child — pure, as they should be. When I think of John, his interactions with children looked pure and kind and good, too. He was loved by so many children — kind and compassionate, gentle and caring. A “red flag” with John, though, was his love of “other children” — wanting to diaper them and take them on walks, hikes in the woods, etc. That being said, the way he got around that was, “Who better to watch your kids than me? I’ve tons of practice being a dad of eleven children.” And, he looked completely innocent and trustworthy, but we know he was not!
You tell me how to “assume good intentions until the evidence has mounted up” because I really don’t know how. There is no such thing a a way to profile a pedophile who molests children. Why? Because they are so good a disguising what they’re doing.
I simply don’t have an answer except to be totally on guard at all times — and I do mean all times.
Can I respond with a thought here? How about if a man wants to work with children then we allow it within the boundaries we set forth for all our children’s caretakers? Yes, a pedophile is more likely to be a man, but that doesn’t mean that I’m giving permission to the paid female nursery worker to take my child to the bathroom alone. Why can’t men work with children the same as women knowing to NEVER be alone with them? At my former church we actually had a rule that forbid kids sitting on laps, tickling and pretty much any other affectionate touch with the little ones. My husband and I try our best to never be alone with other children, simply as a matter of protection for ourselves as well against false accusations. This is just a thought. I just wanted to put my two cents out there.
I appreciate your thoughts, and of course, the same rules of safety apply for women. We have far less known female molesters than men, but……even one woman molester is one too many. Thanks so much for your input!
Ethan Edwards’ website is disturbing. Virtuous Pedophiles???? As a person that has had her own sinful past, I NEVER felt like I needed people to TRUST me or ACCEPT me. All this lingo for trust and acceptance is another way of saying, “Give me room to mess up with no circumstances or vigilance in keeping your eyes on me.”
Jesus said that if a man looks at a woman and lusts he has already committed adultery in his heart. I think it can easily be said that if a man or woman looks at a child and lusts has committed sin in his/her heart.
I have no compassion for myself or any other human being who wants to have wicked thoughts and desires and wish for people to whole heartily embrace it all.
Someone molested me as a child. It began with a thought and the lack of suspicion in my parents.
Parents…..DON’T TRUST.
Mat 10:16 Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
I respect your view about how looking at people with lust in your heart is a sin, but it isn’t my view — as a matter of religion there’s not much point discussing it.
I understand your skepticism — it’s definitely a new concept to have any sort of tolerant or sympathetic thought towards a pedophile even if celibate. But in the world as it is, all the pedophiles who can stay hidden, and the only ones you hear of are the criminals who get caught. If well-meaning pedophiles could get help without being hated or reported to police, it could help some stay celibate.
I did not know something so disturbing could exist.
I just went back and clicked on Ethan’s name from his first post. It was in blue and it was a link to his website. I think you should remove the link. It’s not a good site for most to be invollved in.
When I attended the University of Idaho, NAMBLA used to put up posters. My hobby was to tear the posters down. Let’em sue me.