It has now been a decade since the sentencing of my former husband. A lifetime in prison. I think about that most every day — not because I’m sad that he’s there, but because I still don’t understand child abuse. I’ll never understand child abuse. I’m sure of that!
Life has gone on, and I’m so thankful for that. Those initial days, weeks, and months of grieving what was lost, of blaming myself for not seeing the signs, and of seeing the pain in my children’s eyes has been nothing short of horrific. I can’t really put the right words into place on paper to describe the pain of those beginning years of the aftermath. There were times when I honestly didn’t believe life could continue on. Everything felt too painful and way too hard for us. Our family would never be whole again — not the way we wanted it to be. Not the way we longed for it to be. We would have to begin carving out a “new normal” as they say in the world of grief.
How do you begin? How do you begin life over after a tsunami has come through and shattered the very foundation on which you lived? What’s the first step? Who do you talk to to get help? What kind of help is needed first? Who will understand? Who will have the time and patience to care? Where will you get the strength to keep fighting to live?
In the next several posts I’ll be talking about these first steps. I’ll go into detail about what it means to be a “survivor” of abuse. I’ll be using excerpts from the journals I kept during this dark, hard, lonely times of trying to clear a path to some kind of normalcy. When I tell you it was hard, I’m not exaggerating. When you’ve had your world turned inside out and upside down it’s not easy to find “upright” again. When everything you believed was good and true and you find out that the very truth that you built your life with was a lie, it takes time to sift through the emotional pain and exhaustion and the thousands upon thousands of questions to find one single fragment left behind that makes sense and can be believed.
For the first several years following the sentencing and conviction, I felt relief, but it wasn’t comforting. Far from it. It was frightening. In many ways it still is. It frightens me to think that I shared every intimate thought and action with someone who was evil — someone who was a liar — someone who was willingly and skillfully hurting children, including mine. I think of times when I bared my soul with the man I thought was my soulmate and I feel only embarrassing shame. How could I be so stupid? I suppose I will struggle with that thought all of the remainder of my days on this earth. I loved him so much, and he betrayed me in the most vile of ways. He not only betrayed me, but he was a liar who used me. He used the innocence of so many people while adorning himself with the name of God.
And, I believed him. I trusted him. And, I will forever be sad and ashamed of that fact. I believed him — the liar of all liars. He wasn’t who he said he was, and I believed him.
My writings will be raw and straight from the heart. I want you to know what abuse does. I can’t speak for the children who were fondled and raped by him, but I can tell you about the mental torture that was used on me. I can tell you of the pain that I carry every day knowing children’s lives were impacted heavily by his evil. I can tell you that I go to bed every day asking God to help those who were harmed by him because I know that they struggle every day with pain and sorrow because their lives were redirected and greatly changed by his harmful actions. They didn’t ask for his evil. They trusted him, too. They believed him. Betrayer. Yes, ultimate liar, deceiver, and betrayer. That’s what he was. That’s what he is, and it’s hard to tuck this pain into a closet that holds the past. In fact, it’s impossible to do.
And, so I will share with you this journey to find life again. I will share with you what it has been like to try to find a healing place amid these ashes of brokenness. I will share my innermost thoughts. I will share the struggles along the way. And, I will share with you the hope that is finally being found.
Thank you for taking this journey with me. We will continue to learn and grow and be blessed together. I’m sure of it.
Until next time……
With love,
Clara
Thank you💜💜💜
Love you so much!!
Hi Clara, I just wanted to say I’ve really appreciated your blog and podcast, a friend directed me to them last year. I’m, well not excited, but curious about your upcoming blog posts. My husband and I are in the process of picking up the pieces of a similar situation. We’ve been best friends since we were 4, we spent pretty much every day together until we were 12 and his family moved away when went into full time mission work. We remained close through high school and ended up at the same place and time in college. We got married and started a family. I don’t know where to start or what to share so I will just say there have been red flags and disconnects all along, we’ve always struggled with his parents. We’ve always been the problem ( we had strict boundaries surrounding access to our children, 100% gut thing that caused a lot of drama) and it’s been bewildering and heartbreaking at points. The biggest thing being this driving hyper vigilance to keep our kids safe and a seething anger I couldn’t explain that was directed at his Dad. I felt terrible for it. Long story short a younger sibling informed us last fall that father-in-law molested them for years. I won’t go into the lies we were told to keep us in the dark, the trauma of how other siblings reacted, the fact that this news gave us context for our own memories of manipulation and abuse (hence my seething anger I couldn’t shake 🤦♀️). 🤢 And that’s not even touching on the manipulation, gaslighting and abuse my husband endured in his professional relationship with his Dad (they worked together) a whole lot makes sense now. We filed a report with the ministry (past statute of limitations for law enforcement, though the mission’s lawyers did file police reports in 3 states) the parents were removed (MIL covered for FIL for years). We pushed for all financial supporters to be informed of what happened and a public statement to be made so that more victims can come forward and access help. We have little doubt there were more victims. 💔 We were unprepared for the siblings to be so angry at us and to side with the parents so vehemently. They are horrified we made this public knowledge. Having learned more about trauma and abusive dynamics we can on a logical level understand why they are doing what they are doing but it’s been horrifying and heartbreaking and we feel we’ve lost our entire family (my family basically imploded after the death of my dad 16 years ago). The siblings insist that FIL is *so* sorry and that he needs to be around their children to help his recovery. 🤯 The kicker is we moved 1000 miles from our support system almost two years ago and my husband’s family had been the only people in this area we knew. We are all alone, parenting 5 kids without a support system or friends and feeling incredibly betrayed and shattered. We have no contact with the parents and limited contact with siblings. We are in therapy and trying to figure out how to take positive steps forward and our therapist recommended seeking out ministries that are passionate about keeping kids safe. Do you have any podcasts or posts about how to find support? Are there support groups for this? We are feeling incredibly isolated and alone right now. Even attending church feels impossible and scary to actually get to know people.
Hi Clara, I just wanted you to know how much I admire your courage to put yourself out there. I am 62 years old. My father began molesting me at the age of 4. He was and still is a pastor and, now a retired elementary school teacher. He violently sodomized me and my older brother. He abused hundreds, perhaps thousands of children over the course of his ‘ministry’. My mother has known and still stands by him, as does his church. I started over 40 years trying to stop him.
You, probably, know this already, but what you did in standing WITH your children and being part of reporting him to the authorities was so great, although I know it must have caused you terrible pain. I so wish my mother would have done what you did. I will look forward to reading more from you.
You and your family are so brave Clara and you have a God given gift of putting words to paper and it comes to life for the reader. In this case, it’s teaching and sharing in order to help an untold number of people who need you in this moment. Sometimes God uses us in ways we will never understand but I’m here to tell you that I will be praying for peace in your heart as you set out to heal others. God bless! Mary